Continuing the Theme...

Having a particularly difficult day, mainly due to hormones.  OK, hormones and a realization: That despite my recent exciting advances in shedding my old thought patterns and habits (or, actually, BECAUSE of them), I discovered today just how deeply my self-loathing goes.  I've written about it, talked it over, thought about it endlessly, but today it hit me on a visceral level.  I saw it very clearly.  And it's making me so, so sad.
Because there really is no logical reason.  I'm a good person. I think my life experiences have made me more empathetic,  more patient, and kinder.  But I learned, from a young age, that I was less than.  And that I would NEVER measure up.
I know I'm repeating myself here.  But it keeps coming up.  I get SO angry about it, but I also know that the people who taught this to me felt the same way about themselves, and they truly did the best they could. It's NO ONE'S FAULT!

But MAN, it sucks!

And I'm tired.  I feel like I've been fighting almost my entire life.  Fighting to get out of bed every morning and get through the day, fighting to change myself, fighting to hold onto friendships and relationships that, at the time, maybe I should have let go of.  Fighting for my kids. And now fighting to end this hatred.
Sometimes I look at people who seem (operative word, that) to have it easy, and I get so jealous.  It feels like they're handed everything they want while I've fought tooth and nail for every crumb.  Again, "seem" is the key.

I wish I were braver,  I wish I'd misbehaved more when I was younger, acted out more, lashed our more often, and hadn't been such a "good girl."  I wish I'd explored more. Tried on different personas.  Attempted more, and fallen on my face before soaring. To prove to myself that failure IS ALWAYS AN OPTION!!!!!!!  I wish I'd trusted myself and listened to my instincts.  I wish I'd known how smart, funny, capable and beautiful I was.
And I don't want to go the rest of my life without ALL of that.

So, I won't.
Just gotta figure out the logistics.

You Cannot Hate Yourself Into Becoming What You Want to Be.

THIS is probably the biggest lesson I've learned...oh, ever.  It sounds New Age-y, but whatever we want to be is already inside of us.  No one can get it for us.  Sure, others can help: A therapist, a best friend, a life coach, a mentor, etc. But they can only guide us, not do the actual work for us. A Sherpa isn't going to drag you up to the top of Mt. Everest, you have to get there under your own power or not at all.  I think of it like a sculpture:  The artist sees the form within the rock, then chips away until that form appears.  Richard Feynman used to talk about how only scientists could truly appreciate the beauty of a flower, because only they can see the intricate patterns that make it up.

Science and art are very closely related, IMHO.

Calling yourself stupid won't make you smart.  Calling yourself useless won't make you of use. Calling yourself ugly won't make you beautiful.  And yet we spend so many YEARS doing just that: Berating ourselves in the hope that doing so will make us "better."

Sometimes, in my more optimistic moods, I sense a sea-change coming: A time when we will learn to lead with our hearts, to let go of greed, to get rid of one-upmanship. When we realize, if I can quote that great philosopher "High School Musical,"  that "we're all in this together."  That, as others have said, no one gets out of this life alive, so we may as well make the best of it.

I believe, now, that we are all destined for greatness. That is our purpose.  But greatness is different for everyone.  For some it's discovering cold fusion or curing disease, while for others it may be to raise kids that become good, kind people, or to rescue animals, or to simply be as good at their job as possible.
I guess we all decide for ourselves what our greatness is.

I'm seeing a time, again, during those optimistic periods, when we see beauty all around us, when we stop worshipping the surface and look more deeply.
Of course, in my less-tan-optimistic moments, I see everything going to Hades.  :)

So, I have decided to take a look around and focus on the good stuff.   Because there is a whole lot of it, even if we can't always see it.

Tonight I begin a new 8-week writing class.  It uses the acting techniques of Michael Chekhov to influence our writing, so it'll involve some movement.  Since I've never studied Chekhov's technique in-depth, I'm very excited, but also nervous.  I'm trying to remind myself that I don't have to prove anything.  The reason I am taking this class is to learn something new, not to show show off what I already know.  Because, really, that would be a massive waste of my money and everyone's time.  To NOT be the Good Student, trying to do everything "right" and please the instructor, and just take in as much as I possibly can.  She, the teacher, is there to pass on her knowledge, not sit in judgement.

OK.  On a COMPLETELY different subject, did you see Benedict Cumberbatch on "Sesame Street"?!?!?!?!  I'm still trying to learn how to embed videos here. You can see it on YouTube.
Also, "His Last Vow":  AMAZING!
And online footage of Peter Capaldi signing autographs for & taking photos with fans & generally being completely lovely in Cardiff between takes on the set of "Doctor Who" just makes me admire him all the more.

Anyway, that's all for now.  I'm off to find some images to kickstart my imagination for tonight.  Wish me luck!

;)

I'm Geeky and I Know It

Sorry for the blog silence.  For the past week + I've been taking care of sick kids.  First LG, then WG.  I think WG should be ready to head back to school tomorrow.  I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but seeing your child lying in bed, listless, and eyes glassy with fever just sucks!
But then, coming downstairs and seeing them practically inside the 'fridge, 'cause their appetite is back and they want food NOW, is very reassuring!  :)

I spent some time yesterday with my friend, a fellow teacher/actor/parent of an autistic child.  It was such a relief to just talk to someone who gets it!  She was telling me about an audition she'd had recently, her first one in a long time, and how utterly different a world it is once you have kids.  (And how she wanted to kill a couple of the other actresses there, for complaining about the garbage truck waking them up at 6:30 AM.  "How am I supposed to audition when I had to wake up at 6:30?!?!?!?!"  Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!)

On Saturday, before WG got sick, we took the kids to a special event at the Children's Discovery Museum in San Jose.  3 times a year they and open the museum on Saturday night specifically for kids with special needs and their families.  The exhibits (some of them) are geared toward the population, the staff is trained, and there is even a band made up of other autistic kids!  Both of mine were dancing their little hearts out: It was AMAZING!  Hubby and I both got a bit weepy.  :)

I'm starting a new writing class next week.  And a friend suggested that, instead of always sitting down to write, I simply record my ideas while I'm up & around (pacing, riding the Spin bike, whatever).  I think it's a fantastic idea!  Because sometimes I'm just too scattered to sit & write & actually complete something, and I tend to think better on my feet.
So everyone will just have to get used to my talking to myself, lol!

Finally, if I may geek out a bit here, I've, of course, been watching "Sherlock" on PBS (after having seen it online).  I'm trying to find a link for "The Musketeers," currently airing in the UK (but not here until Spring).  Aaaaaaand, Peter Capaldi's Doctor costume has been revealed, and it is FANTASTIC, IMHO.  I'm crap at linking things, so if you're curious, just google it.  Or head over to tumblr, where there are about 4,000 photos of it.  I've said it before, I'll say it again: I've been watching the show since I was 12, and I have NEVER been this excited for a new Doctor!  I do feel 12 years old again.  :)
Without all the pre-adolescent angst, thankfully.

Alright.  Gotta go entertain WG.
Have a good one!

Holy Cow!

Something pretty amazing happened yesterday.  Which I'll get to in a bit.
But first...
F-I-L is home from the hospital.  :)  He'd gone into renal failure last Thursday.  The doctors weren't sure why, at first.  Turns out it may have been they dye they'd injected into his veins to track his blood flow.  He's diabetic,  so sometimes his body will reject that sort of thing.  Luckily, by Friday he was better, and by Monday he was home.  Yesterday he even climbed the stairs to use his old computer.
Which is great, but I still think we should move that computer downstairs.   That's a lot of stairs.

I watched the third episode of "Sherlock" last night, and wow! It's great!  And the ending is FANTASTIC!  I was worried about some of the characters but, well, spoilers.

I also did another yoga workshop on Sunday.  It was core-based, but worked everything.  I felt terrific afterward, but I was exhausted all day Monday, lol!
AND, I'm signing up for another writing class.  It's taught by a woman who also used to be an actor, so she teaches from that perspective.
Which should be helpful.
I've made inquiries with an improv group in town, but haven't heard back from them yet.   Hopefully soon...

OK.  So, yesterday I was on my EFT conference call. I was feeling very pissy and PMS-y, and didn't want to do the tapping.  And then I started feeling bitter: Why have I been trying to FIX myself for 40 years?  I look around and I see, quite frankly, some of the meanest, nastiest, most ignorant people shooting their mouths off with (seemingly) no consequences whatsoever, going through life like they are the sh*t and the rest of us should just get out of their way. If people like THAT don't feel the need for self-help, why do I spend so much time "working on myself"?!?!?!?!
I'm not perfect. No one is. But I'm basically a good, decent human.  I don't go around hurling insults, or trolling people online.  If someone has an issue with me, well, at this point it's THEIR issue.  It's time for me to not only love myself, but to LIKE myself.  After all, I'm a pretty cool chick!  I think I'd want me for a friend.
So it finally clicked.  For real.  Not just the intellectual understanding, but the deep down, gut-level understanding.
There are times I will screw up. And that's being human.  I'll apologize, learn from it, and move on.  But I'm through berating myself.  I'm done regretting the past.  There's nothing there that can be changed, and it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I sometimes make it out to be!

I grew up believing that I was inherently BAD.  That I needed to be FIXED.  That there was something wrong with me, deep down inside.  And I think my dad believed that about himself, as well.  Who knows how far back it goes.  But, again, it ends with me.

One of the things I'm most proud of is that my kids are secure in the knowledge that they are loved.  Loved deeply and fully, and that nothing will ever change that. I didn't have that when I was growing up.  When you are a kid and you believe that love is conditional, well, it creates a lot of issues, lol! For me, I would have sworn that being loved depended on a laundry list of accomplishments: Being thin "enough," getting good grades, keeping my room clean, never making anyone angry,  being "good," etc. It was a long and fluid list, and I ALWAYS came up short.
Some people thought it was odd that I chose acting as my profession; after all, you're constantly criticized,  and often found lacking.  But, for me, it was familiar and comfortable territory.  It was all I knew.  And it wasn't until I was a young professional, having finally built up my confidence, that I realized it could be different. That it SHOULD be different.

And, at long last, I'm realizing that that holds true for ALL aspects of life.

So, here's to better days!  For all of us!

Better!

F-I-L is MUCH better.  The chest pains were a minor heart attack, which is fairly common for folks who have the surgery he'd had on Monday after having had a bypass.  Still, heart attack...
But the first thing he asked about after surgery was whether he could watch the basketball game.  :)
He's doing well, so far.  He's eating, walking a bit, and is in good spirits. His vitals look good.  He's still in ICU, so they're keeping a close eye on him.

Today I'm taking some time alone.  Something I haven't had, what with winter break and all. :) Yesterday I met with a behavioral therapist for WG's potty training, but since then have been lying low.
She said to me that parents of kids with special needs are chosen, because not everyone could handle it.  I've heard it before, but I guess I needed to hear it again.  And I'm stickin' to it!

Since things have calmed down (a bit) since Tuesday, I went online and watched the first two episodes of the new season of "Sherlock."  I just couldn't wait, lol!  It took some hunting, but I was able to find links on Tumblr.  I won't go into detail, for those of you who haven't seen them yet, but, while they're a different tone than the first two seasons, I found them very entertaining and endearing.  But knowing Moffat and Gatiss, we're being set up for something BIG...

As for the "Doctor Who" Christmas special/regeneration: The removal of the bow tie broke my heart, but the actual regeneration made me VERY HAPPY!  Peter Capaldi is one of my favorite actors, he's been a fan of the show since he was a kid, and he's going to be brilliant!
("Kidneys!")

OK.  Gotta get the kiddies off to school (hooray!) and then get me a nice, big cappuccino.  Then a train ride into the city.

Have a good one!

And, if you can, keep holding those good thoughts...

MWAH!

Not Again

My F-I-L is in the hospital today, undergoing an emergency angiogram.  Yesterday he had surgery to remove clots from his leg, but he's been having chest pain all day.  Needless to say, my M-I-L (who's at the hospital with him, along with S-I-L and Hubby) is a bit of a wreck.  She just turned 70 on Saturday, and my F-I-L is 72.  He had that quadruple bypass a couple years back, and he's been having pain lately, but not letting anyone know.

I'm at home with the kids.  Better all around, and there's no need to worry them too much at this point (to the point they would understand what's happening, at least).  But here's that fucking helpless feeling again. There's nothing I can do to make this better for them. Any of them.

I'm just hoping they find the issue and fix it.  He's due a few more good years on this planet, IMHO.

I WAS going to blog about all my fangirling over "Doctor Who" and "Sherlock," but that'll have to wait, if that's OK.  I kinda have to go be a grown-up for a while.

Happy New Year, Peace, and Blessings.

Love,
Alyssa

Happy Happy!

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate!

And to my fellow Whovians, Happy Regeneration Day!  :)