So just as my back is FINALLY starting to get better, I throw my, um, neck out. I suppose I just slept in an awkward position, but I woke up in pain yesterday, just in time to sub my first class at Crunch. So SOMETHING is going on with me! It's most likely part of this whole feel-your-emotions, let-go-of-crap stuff. I'm trying to remember if the right side of the body is connected to the left side of the brain or whatever. 'Cause I am DEFINITELY a right-brained kinda gal, lol!
Yesterday I kept thinking "I'm tired of being in PAIN!!!!!" I've been in some kind of pain for about 4 months. Something is DEFINITELY going on in my subconscious, manifesting itself as aches and pains. 'Cause I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm not a senior citizen yet, lol! I also think it's related to my weight. I never had these aches and pains when I was lighter. Or had acid reflux. Yeah, fun.
So then I wondered if I should go back to the dreaded Jenny Craig. That idea was immediately nixed because I can't afford it, I REALLY don't want to eat that food, and it doesn't last. Yes, the weight comes off quickly, but it comes back on once you go off the program. And I am NOT eating that crud for the rest of my life!
In the Geneen Roth online retreat she told us we need to prioritize. I need to figure out what is most important. Is it more immediate that I lose weight, or that I get my life back together? At the time I thought "Well, obviously, I want my life back! I want my SELF back. I don't want to live my life obsessed with food, calories, and weight." And that is still true.
But...
I also don't want my weight to hold me back. As I've said before, I'm tired of being the fat fitness instructor. I'm tired of having people walk out of my classes (like someone did yesterday, 40 minutes into it. I mean, really? Ya can't stick it out for the last 20 minutes? And it's not like she had an appointment, 'cause I saw her at the end of the class, and she wouldn't look me in the eye. Yeah, that's right honey; just keep walkin'! [Can you tell what time of the month it is?]), and having my classes canceled. I hate the way people do the not-so-indiscreet scan of my body when I tell them what I do for a living, followed by the look of disbelief. I KNOW I "shouldn't" let it get to me, but it does. A lifetime of body hatred isn't going to go away in a matter of months, and definitely not without a lot of hard work on my part.
But...
This time, when the weight comes off, I don't want it to be something that just sorta happens without my knowing how and why. And I REALLY don't want that dysmorphia I've had in the past where I'm thin but still think I'm heavier. When the weight comes off, I want the neuroses to go with it. And no amount of Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers is gonna do THAT.
So I guess I have my answer.
And I suppose this pain, physical and psychological, is part of the process, too. Like when a smoker quits, and they have to get rid of all that stuff that's built up in their lungs. Or any recovery process. I have to remind myself that it gets worse before it gets better. And that it WILL get better as long as I stick with the process. Going back to dieitng will only prolong the recovery.
And I REALLY DON'T want THAT!!!!!!!
So, every time someone walks out, or gives me that Look, or a class is canceled, I have to remember that it is ALL happening for a reason.
Kinda like what WG is going through. We've started her on time-outs, and it's a difficult process for all of us. Just like it was with LG a couple years ago. We need to keep reminding ourselves that even though she is nearly 7, for all intents and purposes she is basically an 18 month-old.
And the fact that her 2 front teeth are in the process of going out and coming in doesn't help her, poor thing!
So. Patience, kindness, and trust.
And the occasional freakout.
It'll be fine.
Right?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
I WILL Grow Up.
DO you know that song "I Won't Grow Up" from the stage musical of "Peter Pan?" I LOVED that song as a kid, and got to sing it onstage with my fellow 9 and 10 year-olds in our youth production of the show. It was my favorite part, lol!
Well, things change. I realized recently that I have been afraid to grow up. Because then there would be no one to blame if things didn't go as planned. It has led to a lot of procrastination on my part, in so many areas; a house full of clutter, bills not paid on time, paperwork undone, etc. Plus, I think my food issues are definitely related to my fear of responsibility.
But things have changed; yesterday I went to the dentist (woo-hoo!) and was able to pay my entire bill, myself, and it was a GREAT feeling. NOT putting on my credit card, NOT having to pay in installments, NOT having to worry about how and when the bill would be paid.
(I also found out that my teeth are in nowhere NEAR as bad a state as I had assumed, which is nice. It's also great to not feel guilty when those 1-800-DENTIST ads come on, lol!)
So as I lay awake at 4 AM (thank you AGAIN, PMS!), I started thinking about what I really want. Over the past few years I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want, but couldn't figure out what I DO want. Oh, I had PLENTY of ideas and dreams, never a problem for me, lol!
Because I'm a bit of a spaz, I have lots of great ideas but little knowledge of how to follow through sometimes. (I've often wondered if I'm a bit ADD.)
But there are some things I definitely know that I want: to be able to take care of my family without worrying, every month, if we'll have enough money to pay the bills, without robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have a steady, reliable income that pays for more than just the mortgage. To have, in a word, STABILITY.
I realize that these are tough times. Many people are out of work, a lot of folks can't pay their bills or feed their kids, but my instability is not just the fault of the economy. I have been too unstable for too long, and it is time to knuckle down.
A few years ago I had a dream to teach at a university. Not necessarily full-time, but one or two classes each semester. I let that dream go because there was so much competition for each job, and I felt (as usual) that I wasn't worthy. But a funny thing happened as I was sending out my resume to various theaters around town last week; I realized I have quite an extensive, and impressive, teaching resume! And now that I'm a bit older, I believe I'll be taken a bit more seriously. Unlike the time when I was subbing at Cal State Pomona for a semester, and the lady at the parking office gave me an undergraduate parking pass. I had to call the department and have them vouch for me, to let her know that yes, indeed, I was a faculty member. Good for my vanity, but not so much for my faculty street cred.
Granted, there aren't that many teaching jobs available at the university level right now, but if the economy ever recovers, there will be in the future.
I'm also pondering, again, drama therapy. I already have a Masters in drama, so it would mean going back to school for a counseling degree. One of my favorite people in the world, a man who'd been my mentor when I was young, works with people in a mental facility. He gives classes and directs plays, and at the end of every rehearsal he tells them "Do me a favor, don't kill yourself tonight. I don't want to have to re-cast your role." And they LOVE him for that! Because they know he actually cares deeply about them, and they need a little injection of humor now and again.
If I can combine my passions I think I'd be a very happy camper.( I still love teaching Pilates, and want to continue.) After all, don't we all want a career we enjoy AND can make a decent living at? If I can do that and maybe help some folks along the way, life will be even more satisfying.
It is finally, FINALLY, about what I want, and not about pleasing someone else, or trying to prove anything to anyone.
FINALLY!!!!!!!
Well, things change. I realized recently that I have been afraid to grow up. Because then there would be no one to blame if things didn't go as planned. It has led to a lot of procrastination on my part, in so many areas; a house full of clutter, bills not paid on time, paperwork undone, etc. Plus, I think my food issues are definitely related to my fear of responsibility.
But things have changed; yesterday I went to the dentist (woo-hoo!) and was able to pay my entire bill, myself, and it was a GREAT feeling. NOT putting on my credit card, NOT having to pay in installments, NOT having to worry about how and when the bill would be paid.
(I also found out that my teeth are in nowhere NEAR as bad a state as I had assumed, which is nice. It's also great to not feel guilty when those 1-800-DENTIST ads come on, lol!)
So as I lay awake at 4 AM (thank you AGAIN, PMS!), I started thinking about what I really want. Over the past few years I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want, but couldn't figure out what I DO want. Oh, I had PLENTY of ideas and dreams, never a problem for me, lol!
Because I'm a bit of a spaz, I have lots of great ideas but little knowledge of how to follow through sometimes. (I've often wondered if I'm a bit ADD.)
But there are some things I definitely know that I want: to be able to take care of my family without worrying, every month, if we'll have enough money to pay the bills, without robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have a steady, reliable income that pays for more than just the mortgage. To have, in a word, STABILITY.
I realize that these are tough times. Many people are out of work, a lot of folks can't pay their bills or feed their kids, but my instability is not just the fault of the economy. I have been too unstable for too long, and it is time to knuckle down.
A few years ago I had a dream to teach at a university. Not necessarily full-time, but one or two classes each semester. I let that dream go because there was so much competition for each job, and I felt (as usual) that I wasn't worthy. But a funny thing happened as I was sending out my resume to various theaters around town last week; I realized I have quite an extensive, and impressive, teaching resume! And now that I'm a bit older, I believe I'll be taken a bit more seriously. Unlike the time when I was subbing at Cal State Pomona for a semester, and the lady at the parking office gave me an undergraduate parking pass. I had to call the department and have them vouch for me, to let her know that yes, indeed, I was a faculty member. Good for my vanity, but not so much for my faculty street cred.
Granted, there aren't that many teaching jobs available at the university level right now, but if the economy ever recovers, there will be in the future.
I'm also pondering, again, drama therapy. I already have a Masters in drama, so it would mean going back to school for a counseling degree. One of my favorite people in the world, a man who'd been my mentor when I was young, works with people in a mental facility. He gives classes and directs plays, and at the end of every rehearsal he tells them "Do me a favor, don't kill yourself tonight. I don't want to have to re-cast your role." And they LOVE him for that! Because they know he actually cares deeply about them, and they need a little injection of humor now and again.
If I can combine my passions I think I'd be a very happy camper.( I still love teaching Pilates, and want to continue.) After all, don't we all want a career we enjoy AND can make a decent living at? If I can do that and maybe help some folks along the way, life will be even more satisfying.
It is finally, FINALLY, about what I want, and not about pleasing someone else, or trying to prove anything to anyone.
FINALLY!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Welcome to Crunch!
Yesterday I was hired as a sub (for the time being) at Crunch Gym!!!!! The Gold's Gym franchises where I used to sub have been bought out by Crunch, and I'm VERY excited! I may POSSIBLY have a class of my own at some point (fingers crossed), but in the meantime I am happy to be hired as a sub.
I'm also applying for jobs as a youth acting teacher. It's been a while, but I have a lot of experience, and I really miss it! There are a bunch of community, youth, and professional theaters here that are hiring teachers, and I'm gonna go for it. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even get to direct!
In other news, yesterday was the official first day of the 3-week vacation for both kids. I took them to the pool, where we stayed for 2 hours. Then they played on our front deck. And now WG is crying, so I must go see what is up.
OK. She's in a time out, which is pretty new for her. But she seems to get it. The great thing about a time out is that it's not just a punishment, it actually gives kids a few moments to decompress. Heck, I've been known to give MYSELF a time out now and again, when I'm about to blow my top, lol!
I've started doing "Slim in 6" and "Slim Series" again. I forget how much I enjoy those workouts when I don't do them for a while. And Debbie Siebers has a very nice personality, even as she's killing you, lol!
I'm losing pilates reformer clients at an alarming rate. I'm down to one reformer class a week, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it or not. I'll know more tomorrow. Part of me thinks I should just let it go. It'd be easier, schedule-wise if not wallet-wise. I'm also wondering if it's a sign; maybe I should focus more on my upcoming training, teach my mat classes, and try to get hired as an acting teacher. If I can combine personal pilates training with teaching acting, with a smattering of group pilates classes that I really enjoy, I'll be happy and we'll have a bit more cash when the bills show up.
Que sera sera. Worrying about it doesn't help the situation, right?
OK. Gotta go take the kids somewhere before they completely destroy the house.
And it's only Day Two!!!!!!!
I'm also applying for jobs as a youth acting teacher. It's been a while, but I have a lot of experience, and I really miss it! There are a bunch of community, youth, and professional theaters here that are hiring teachers, and I'm gonna go for it. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even get to direct!
In other news, yesterday was the official first day of the 3-week vacation for both kids. I took them to the pool, where we stayed for 2 hours. Then they played on our front deck. And now WG is crying, so I must go see what is up.
OK. She's in a time out, which is pretty new for her. But she seems to get it. The great thing about a time out is that it's not just a punishment, it actually gives kids a few moments to decompress. Heck, I've been known to give MYSELF a time out now and again, when I'm about to blow my top, lol!
I've started doing "Slim in 6" and "Slim Series" again. I forget how much I enjoy those workouts when I don't do them for a while. And Debbie Siebers has a very nice personality, even as she's killing you, lol!
I'm losing pilates reformer clients at an alarming rate. I'm down to one reformer class a week, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it or not. I'll know more tomorrow. Part of me thinks I should just let it go. It'd be easier, schedule-wise if not wallet-wise. I'm also wondering if it's a sign; maybe I should focus more on my upcoming training, teach my mat classes, and try to get hired as an acting teacher. If I can combine personal pilates training with teaching acting, with a smattering of group pilates classes that I really enjoy, I'll be happy and we'll have a bit more cash when the bills show up.
Que sera sera. Worrying about it doesn't help the situation, right?
OK. Gotta go take the kids somewhere before they completely destroy the house.
And it's only Day Two!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Now That I'm Older...
As of yesterday at 12:20 PM PST I am officially 41 years old. On my 40th birthday, most of my family was out of town, so the celebration was pretty low-key. I went to work in the morning, picked my mom up at the airport, then we all took the kids to the city to play at Crissy Field (and ended up in the Bay), then picked up some sushi on the way home.
So this year I wanted to do something REALLY special. Hubby, LG, WG, S-I-L, and Dog all got in the car and we drove to Yosemite. I hadn't been there in 7 years, and WG had NEVER been. (Unless you count the trip 7 years ago, when she was in utero. But she didn't really get to see the sights.)
We made really good time (3 1/2 hours from San Mateo the the West Entrance) and found a PERFECT spot near the river, in the shadow of El Capitan. We had the place almost entirely to ourselves, and we stayed for nearly 4 hours. LG cuddled with me in the hammock for a good amount of the time, while WG played in the cold but clean water. She even tried to get herself caught in the current, lol!
Dog, meanwhile, behaved like a puppy; she stalked the ducks who kept coming by for crumbs from our picnic, and managed to get HERself caught in the current (and needing to be rescued) quite a few times. She LOVES to swim, and it's freakin' ADORABLE to watch! She has these short little legs that have to work so hard...
(Of course, she's NOT a puppy, she's 12 years old. And has pretty much been asleep since 5:00 yesterday afternoon, with brief periods of lucidity in order to go out and take care of her business.)
We then drove to El Capitan Meadows, where we watched the climbers for a bit. If you haven't been to Yosemite, you MUST go! Pictures don't do it justice. Standing in the meadow, looking up at the largest piece of granite IN THE WORLD (3,000 feet!) really gives you a sense of perspective, lol! Add to that the fact that there are literally thousands of people milling around, from all parts of the world, and, I hate to sound goofy, but you get a feeling that is not attainable anywhere else. Yosemite is my husband's favorite place in the world, and I completely understand why.
We ended up buying an annual pass; the day pass was $20, and the annual is $40, so we figured what the heck, why not? We can go all year, as much as we want!
Yesterday's trip was just for the day. We got home at 9:30 at night. It was a perfect day all-around, and THE BEST birthday EVER (so far)!
It also made me realize that I need to do that more; get away from everything, even if it's only for one day. I tend to take myself a little too seriously sometimes (I know, SHOCKING! lol) and can easily get caught up in the day-to-day drek. Next 4th of July, when Hubby goes to Yosemite, we're all going with him! We'll take as many trips there as we can throughout the year, because it's important for us to get away, and it's important for the kids to see the natural world. As beautiful as San Francisco is, there is nothing to compare to Yosemite.
Hopefully, when the kids are older, we can get to other national parks; we've never been to Yellowstone or Glacier, for example. Or even Redwood, which is nearby!
We've also decided to go to Muir Woods in the next few weeks, which we've also never been to, despite the fact that it's so close.
Last week, as you may have guesses from my previous post, was a bit rough. Friday was the worst; I was in SUCH a mood, and everything seemed to be falling apart. But one day in Yosemite changed my perspective COMPLETELY. Just being able to relax, to breathe in that gorgeously clean air and wade in that clear water, to take in the majesty of half-dome and 3 brothers, and to see all the other folks, from all over the world, enjoying this beautiful piece of land, made me SO HAPPY! And then to see my family so excited and content, well, that was worth its weight in gold.
I've written before about how sometimes feeling my feelings absolutely sucks. Well, not this time, baby! This was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me? Oh, you betcha!!!!!!
So this year I wanted to do something REALLY special. Hubby, LG, WG, S-I-L, and Dog all got in the car and we drove to Yosemite. I hadn't been there in 7 years, and WG had NEVER been. (Unless you count the trip 7 years ago, when she was in utero. But she didn't really get to see the sights.)
We made really good time (3 1/2 hours from San Mateo the the West Entrance) and found a PERFECT spot near the river, in the shadow of El Capitan. We had the place almost entirely to ourselves, and we stayed for nearly 4 hours. LG cuddled with me in the hammock for a good amount of the time, while WG played in the cold but clean water. She even tried to get herself caught in the current, lol!
Dog, meanwhile, behaved like a puppy; she stalked the ducks who kept coming by for crumbs from our picnic, and managed to get HERself caught in the current (and needing to be rescued) quite a few times. She LOVES to swim, and it's freakin' ADORABLE to watch! She has these short little legs that have to work so hard...
(Of course, she's NOT a puppy, she's 12 years old. And has pretty much been asleep since 5:00 yesterday afternoon, with brief periods of lucidity in order to go out and take care of her business.)
We then drove to El Capitan Meadows, where we watched the climbers for a bit. If you haven't been to Yosemite, you MUST go! Pictures don't do it justice. Standing in the meadow, looking up at the largest piece of granite IN THE WORLD (3,000 feet!) really gives you a sense of perspective, lol! Add to that the fact that there are literally thousands of people milling around, from all parts of the world, and, I hate to sound goofy, but you get a feeling that is not attainable anywhere else. Yosemite is my husband's favorite place in the world, and I completely understand why.
We ended up buying an annual pass; the day pass was $20, and the annual is $40, so we figured what the heck, why not? We can go all year, as much as we want!
Yesterday's trip was just for the day. We got home at 9:30 at night. It was a perfect day all-around, and THE BEST birthday EVER (so far)!
It also made me realize that I need to do that more; get away from everything, even if it's only for one day. I tend to take myself a little too seriously sometimes (I know, SHOCKING! lol) and can easily get caught up in the day-to-day drek. Next 4th of July, when Hubby goes to Yosemite, we're all going with him! We'll take as many trips there as we can throughout the year, because it's important for us to get away, and it's important for the kids to see the natural world. As beautiful as San Francisco is, there is nothing to compare to Yosemite.
Hopefully, when the kids are older, we can get to other national parks; we've never been to Yellowstone or Glacier, for example. Or even Redwood, which is nearby!
We've also decided to go to Muir Woods in the next few weeks, which we've also never been to, despite the fact that it's so close.
Last week, as you may have guesses from my previous post, was a bit rough. Friday was the worst; I was in SUCH a mood, and everything seemed to be falling apart. But one day in Yosemite changed my perspective COMPLETELY. Just being able to relax, to breathe in that gorgeously clean air and wade in that clear water, to take in the majesty of half-dome and 3 brothers, and to see all the other folks, from all over the world, enjoying this beautiful piece of land, made me SO HAPPY! And then to see my family so excited and content, well, that was worth its weight in gold.
I've written before about how sometimes feeling my feelings absolutely sucks. Well, not this time, baby! This was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me? Oh, you betcha!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
That's It. I'm Done.
Not with the blog, don't worry!
I'm done putting others' needs ahead of my own and my family's. It's not that I don't feel for the small business owners who are having trouble keeping up with their taxes, or for the farmers (ESPECIALLY small farms!!!!), or anyone else. But, y'know what? My husband works FULL TIME at the V.A. hospital, caring for those who fought for our country. I work outside the home part time, and the rest of my time is spent taking care of my Autistic kids. They go to special ed and have therapies that cost approx. $60,000 a year. EACH. Together my husband and I make just over half of that. We NEED support from the school district, the Regional Center and, yes, sorry, THE GOVERNMENT. And I am DONE apologizing for it! My children did not CHOOSE to have Autism! They cannot help it that they need extra support to do the things other kids do naturally. I'm truly sorry for those whose businesses are struggling to survive, but my kids are struggling to survive, too! If they DON'T have these therapies, they will have to be institutionalized. Clothed, housed, and fed, 24/7, for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES! Paid for by, you guessed it, the taxpayers! Trust me, sending them to special day classes and therapy NOW will save hundreds of thousands of dollars in the long run!
People with disabilities have the right to live. They have a right to as equal a quality of life as the rest of us. Most of them grow up to be productive citizens; they have jobs, they buy stuff, and yes, they pay taxes!!!!! Isn't that better than being dependent on the state?!?!?!
So quit calling my kids leeches! They work harder in a single day than most adults do in a week! When YOU are a parent of a child with special needs, then you can pay for it all yourself, but most of us don't have that luxury. Most of us are too busy WORKING and taking care of our kids! How many nights last year did YOU stay awake all night with a screaming child? How many occupational/speech/physical therapy sessions did YOU attend, just do your child could walk? How many dirty looks and nasty comments do YOU put up with in a single day, simply because your children are "different?" How many nights have you lain awake, wondering what will become of your kids when you are no longer around to take care of them, wondering if they will end up in the street, unable to care for themselves, because all of their programs were cut?! When you've walked a mile in the shoes of anyone with a disability, or the family and friends of anyone with a disability, THEN you can lecture me about what a DRAIN my family is on society! Until then,
FUCK. YOU!
I'm done putting others' needs ahead of my own and my family's. It's not that I don't feel for the small business owners who are having trouble keeping up with their taxes, or for the farmers (ESPECIALLY small farms!!!!), or anyone else. But, y'know what? My husband works FULL TIME at the V.A. hospital, caring for those who fought for our country. I work outside the home part time, and the rest of my time is spent taking care of my Autistic kids. They go to special ed and have therapies that cost approx. $60,000 a year. EACH. Together my husband and I make just over half of that. We NEED support from the school district, the Regional Center and, yes, sorry, THE GOVERNMENT. And I am DONE apologizing for it! My children did not CHOOSE to have Autism! They cannot help it that they need extra support to do the things other kids do naturally. I'm truly sorry for those whose businesses are struggling to survive, but my kids are struggling to survive, too! If they DON'T have these therapies, they will have to be institutionalized. Clothed, housed, and fed, 24/7, for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES! Paid for by, you guessed it, the taxpayers! Trust me, sending them to special day classes and therapy NOW will save hundreds of thousands of dollars in the long run!
People with disabilities have the right to live. They have a right to as equal a quality of life as the rest of us. Most of them grow up to be productive citizens; they have jobs, they buy stuff, and yes, they pay taxes!!!!! Isn't that better than being dependent on the state?!?!?!
So quit calling my kids leeches! They work harder in a single day than most adults do in a week! When YOU are a parent of a child with special needs, then you can pay for it all yourself, but most of us don't have that luxury. Most of us are too busy WORKING and taking care of our kids! How many nights last year did YOU stay awake all night with a screaming child? How many occupational/speech/physical therapy sessions did YOU attend, just do your child could walk? How many dirty looks and nasty comments do YOU put up with in a single day, simply because your children are "different?" How many nights have you lain awake, wondering what will become of your kids when you are no longer around to take care of them, wondering if they will end up in the street, unable to care for themselves, because all of their programs were cut?! When you've walked a mile in the shoes of anyone with a disability, or the family and friends of anyone with a disability, THEN you can lecture me about what a DRAIN my family is on society! Until then,
FUCK. YOU!
Monday, July 26, 2010
I'm Not Undisciplined, I'm just Terrified
I'm sure this will come to a surprise to...absolutely no one, but when I was younger I was an complete perfectionist. Perfectionism, I've found, takes many forms. Some people become ultra-competitive, deciding they have to be THE BEST, at everything, in every situation. And it can make them mean. They like to play mind games, psych others out, make them afraid.
I was not one of them. I hated competition. I quaked (and still quake) in my boots at the thought of confrontation. I dreaded gym class, unless it was a group activity like an obstacle course. (Have I mentioned swinging on a rope and landing on a gigantic mat? FUN!!!!) I constantly deferred my opinion to others who were much louder and more obnoxious than I was. And, yes, I was often a target for bullies, because they knew I wouldn't fight back. (My main weapon against them? Kindness. Not out of the goodness of my heart, but because I found it to be an effective deterrent. They never saw it coming, and were surprised by it, lol!)
I COULD make this an entry about the bullying going on in our culture today. Not only in schools, which, I don't care what the experts say, IS a huge problem and NOT just "kids being kids," but by so-called adults; on the internet, in government and, especially, on TV. People who call themselves G-d-fearing, but act in a way that is, to paraphrase the late, great Douglas Adams, almost, but not quite, entirely unlike G-d. And, in the process, give a bad name to the people who really are trying to act in a way they believe to be real and genuine and G-dly.
But that's a different post.
Today I want to write and think about perfectionism and what it does to a person. While it causes some to lash out against others, it causes the most damage to the perfectionist her/himself. I think we all know that people who strike out at others do so out of fear, most of the time. And insecurity.
For those of us who didn't torment others, we turned ALL that fear, pain, doubt and hatred inward. In my case, I gave myself stomachaches, and, ultimately, an ED. I also lived in a state of constant fear, and would, eventually, lash out at people who tried to help.
I was also called a few names; undisciplined, a person who played it safe, a coward, too sensitive, not sensitive enough, selfish, it went on and on.
I wasn't any of these things, really. I WAS terrified and angry, cynical and sad, lonely, depressed...
And no wonder! Studies have shown that our thoughts shape our neural pathways. When you are bombarded by negative thoughts, you start to follow that same pathway over and over again. You also create blocks, over which things like seratonin and other "feel-good" chemicals cannot pass. The same with positive thoughts, although the good stuff can pass easily. It's like digging a trail in a mountain; will that trail be a smooth, gentle ascent, or will it be rocky, steep, and full of brambles?
Mine was the latter. I truly believed that if I couldn't do something perfectly on the first try, it wasn't worth the effort. And yet...I stuck with certain things. Like performing. Rehearsals were hell, because every note I got from the director was a failure on my part, according to the Book of Alyssa. You can imagine what classes were like! But I still kept with them, through 4 years of college, 3 years of grad school, and various studies here and there.
Because it was the devil I knew. Classes were horrid and uncomfortable, but it was a horridness I was familiar with. Going out into the world was a whole NEW kind of hell, so I put it off for as long as possible.
And then a funny thing happened; I was eventually pushed out into the world and it was...NOT horrible! I was no longer the wee student who had to be taken by the hand and guided every step of the way. I was a professional, expected to find my own way and treated like, well, an adult!
As a student, my every step was watched over and critiqued. As a professional, no one gave a hoot how I got where I needed to be, as long as I got there. This was, like, freedom!!!!! I was working with people who had been my teachers in the past, but were now my colleagues. They were no longer judging and critiquing me, they didn't have time! They had their own stuff to worry about!
I will admit it took me a while to realize this. Of course, when you spend your entire life being self-conscious, self-judgmental and, yes, constantly judged by others, it is difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the entire universe is NOT watching you and finding you lacking.
(This is what we need to realize about celebrities; they act so weird because they are SOOOOOOO insecure! Even, especially, the uber-successful ones. Because, in their heart of hearts, they don't believe they deserve their success. And they believe people love them only for certain things, like how they look. It is NOT a healthy way to live!)
I also started to learn a VERY IMPORTANT LESSON; just because someone says (or writes) something, DOESN'T MEAN IT IS TRUE!!!!!!!!!
I first learned this with my first college acting teacher (the one who hated me on sight). She was wrong when she said I had no talent, no potential, and would have no career. She could not have been MORE wrong!
But I also realized this more and more as I got closer to 40. For example, just because someone believes I'm mothering the "wrong" way doesn't mean I am. Or if someone thinks I'm too sensitive, well, tough shit. Their problem, not mine. They don't have to talk to me. I'm too fat? Don't look at me! (On another blog, a woman wrote "If the sight of my fat offends you, I will happily assist you in gouging your eyes out with a fork." I love that woman!)
(Going back to Hollywood for a moment; one of the BIG power plays there is to tell an actress she's too fat. Pretty much THE WORST thing you can say to her. And, because these power players are insecure themselves, they like to be bullies and treat others in ways that would get them sued in any other industry. Because they have the "power" to give and take jobs away, most people just take the abuse. But, in reality, if you stand up to them, they not only back down, they'll fall all over themselves to make you happy. It is a sick, twisted industry, in so many ways!)
OK, so this entry has been kind of all over the place, but that's OK. My main point is that, once again, I see how much fear has ruled my life. It makes me sad, for all the things lost, but it also gives me hope, because I don't have to live like that anymore. And, G-d willing, I'll have plenty of years to live, if not ENTIRELY free of fear, at least knowing what it worthy of fear and what simply is not.
Yup. Freedom.
I was not one of them. I hated competition. I quaked (and still quake) in my boots at the thought of confrontation. I dreaded gym class, unless it was a group activity like an obstacle course. (Have I mentioned swinging on a rope and landing on a gigantic mat? FUN!!!!) I constantly deferred my opinion to others who were much louder and more obnoxious than I was. And, yes, I was often a target for bullies, because they knew I wouldn't fight back. (My main weapon against them? Kindness. Not out of the goodness of my heart, but because I found it to be an effective deterrent. They never saw it coming, and were surprised by it, lol!)
I COULD make this an entry about the bullying going on in our culture today. Not only in schools, which, I don't care what the experts say, IS a huge problem and NOT just "kids being kids," but by so-called adults; on the internet, in government and, especially, on TV. People who call themselves G-d-fearing, but act in a way that is, to paraphrase the late, great Douglas Adams, almost, but not quite, entirely unlike G-d. And, in the process, give a bad name to the people who really are trying to act in a way they believe to be real and genuine and G-dly.
But that's a different post.
Today I want to write and think about perfectionism and what it does to a person. While it causes some to lash out against others, it causes the most damage to the perfectionist her/himself. I think we all know that people who strike out at others do so out of fear, most of the time. And insecurity.
For those of us who didn't torment others, we turned ALL that fear, pain, doubt and hatred inward. In my case, I gave myself stomachaches, and, ultimately, an ED. I also lived in a state of constant fear, and would, eventually, lash out at people who tried to help.
I was also called a few names; undisciplined, a person who played it safe, a coward, too sensitive, not sensitive enough, selfish, it went on and on.
I wasn't any of these things, really. I WAS terrified and angry, cynical and sad, lonely, depressed...
And no wonder! Studies have shown that our thoughts shape our neural pathways. When you are bombarded by negative thoughts, you start to follow that same pathway over and over again. You also create blocks, over which things like seratonin and other "feel-good" chemicals cannot pass. The same with positive thoughts, although the good stuff can pass easily. It's like digging a trail in a mountain; will that trail be a smooth, gentle ascent, or will it be rocky, steep, and full of brambles?
Mine was the latter. I truly believed that if I couldn't do something perfectly on the first try, it wasn't worth the effort. And yet...I stuck with certain things. Like performing. Rehearsals were hell, because every note I got from the director was a failure on my part, according to the Book of Alyssa. You can imagine what classes were like! But I still kept with them, through 4 years of college, 3 years of grad school, and various studies here and there.
Because it was the devil I knew. Classes were horrid and uncomfortable, but it was a horridness I was familiar with. Going out into the world was a whole NEW kind of hell, so I put it off for as long as possible.
And then a funny thing happened; I was eventually pushed out into the world and it was...NOT horrible! I was no longer the wee student who had to be taken by the hand and guided every step of the way. I was a professional, expected to find my own way and treated like, well, an adult!
As a student, my every step was watched over and critiqued. As a professional, no one gave a hoot how I got where I needed to be, as long as I got there. This was, like, freedom!!!!! I was working with people who had been my teachers in the past, but were now my colleagues. They were no longer judging and critiquing me, they didn't have time! They had their own stuff to worry about!
I will admit it took me a while to realize this. Of course, when you spend your entire life being self-conscious, self-judgmental and, yes, constantly judged by others, it is difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the entire universe is NOT watching you and finding you lacking.
(This is what we need to realize about celebrities; they act so weird because they are SOOOOOOO insecure! Even, especially, the uber-successful ones. Because, in their heart of hearts, they don't believe they deserve their success. And they believe people love them only for certain things, like how they look. It is NOT a healthy way to live!)
I also started to learn a VERY IMPORTANT LESSON; just because someone says (or writes) something, DOESN'T MEAN IT IS TRUE!!!!!!!!!
I first learned this with my first college acting teacher (the one who hated me on sight). She was wrong when she said I had no talent, no potential, and would have no career. She could not have been MORE wrong!
But I also realized this more and more as I got closer to 40. For example, just because someone believes I'm mothering the "wrong" way doesn't mean I am. Or if someone thinks I'm too sensitive, well, tough shit. Their problem, not mine. They don't have to talk to me. I'm too fat? Don't look at me! (On another blog, a woman wrote "If the sight of my fat offends you, I will happily assist you in gouging your eyes out with a fork." I love that woman!)
(Going back to Hollywood for a moment; one of the BIG power plays there is to tell an actress she's too fat. Pretty much THE WORST thing you can say to her. And, because these power players are insecure themselves, they like to be bullies and treat others in ways that would get them sued in any other industry. Because they have the "power" to give and take jobs away, most people just take the abuse. But, in reality, if you stand up to them, they not only back down, they'll fall all over themselves to make you happy. It is a sick, twisted industry, in so many ways!)
OK, so this entry has been kind of all over the place, but that's OK. My main point is that, once again, I see how much fear has ruled my life. It makes me sad, for all the things lost, but it also gives me hope, because I don't have to live like that anymore. And, G-d willing, I'll have plenty of years to live, if not ENTIRELY free of fear, at least knowing what it worthy of fear and what simply is not.
Yup. Freedom.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Oh, Anna!
OK, so I learned at a fairly young age that many guys lose brain cells when confronted with the image of a beautiful woman. OK, maybe they don't physically LOSE brain cells, it's just that the blood rushes out of their brains and goes a little further south.
Rapidly.
And, to be fair, it's not just men. Women are known to become stupid when in the presence of a good-looking fella, whether he's in the flesh, on celluloid, or in a photo. (On that note, can I just say to the women my age who lust after Taylor Lautner; um, EEEWW!!!!!! He's 17!!!!! He's a KID! If the situation were reversed and a 40 year-old guy was drooling after a 17 year-old girl, you'd call him a PERV, and rightly so! So just STOP IT!!!!!)
But it seems that we, as a country, lose maor IQ points every time Anna Chapman's name, or, worse, image, comes up. If you don't know, she is one of a number of people accused of spying for Russia while living in the U.S. She is 28, a sometimes-redhead, very attractive, and can often be found posing half-naked. She also has a Facebook page, which she posts on from her new home in Moscow, and she apparently REALLY wants to return to New York.
And many are hoping she will.
Which makes me wonder; what are we willing to forgive in attractive people that is inexcusable in those we consider less attractive?
In centuries past, beauty was considered a sign of goodness. A lovely woman (or man) couldn't possibly be anything other than angelic. (Then it turned around; never EVER trust a good-looking person! They are PURE EVIL!!!! More on that later.) Today we look at someone who is attractive and see them as superior because they have the "discipline" to take care of themselves; to avoid junk food, to go to the gym every day, etc. We still make A LOT of assumptions about people based on what they look like.
One of my LEAST favorite expressions is "S/he's out of my league." I've written about this before, I think. We walk around thinking we are either too good or not good enough for someone because of either looks, income, or both.
Puh-lease!!!!!!!!
Are we really so willing to welcome back with open arms a woman who may have been stealing government secrets and passing them on to the Russian government solely on the basis of her hotness?!?!?! What if Al-Quaeda started recruiting young women and putting them in thong bikinis laced with Anthrax, then shipping them over to Embassies? Yes, that's an extreme example (and I certainly don't want to give anyone any ideas), but I think you see my point. Just because someone is "hot" doesn't mean they get a free pass for bad behavior.
And the truth is we may never know the truth. Maybe Anna wasn't a spy. Maybe NONE of them were. Maybe they ALL were. But we're not hearing ANYTHING about the others, because they're not half-naked redheads.
There are those out there who will say I'm merely jealous. But there;s nothing MERE about it. As a not-ugly-but-not-smokin'-hot-either woman, I can tell you that I've had to work A LOT harder than my hot friends and acquaintances for certain things. I also went through a period, in my early-to-mid-20's, when I was considered quite attractive. (I know, hard to believe, lol!) And got A LOT of attention for all the wrong reasons.
I have studied people who, because of their wealth and/or looks, soak up that attention as if it is their due. It is one of the side-effects of privilege. They have never been treated any differently, so they don't really know any better. But when the looks go, or the money runs out, they get lost. They don't get the freebies anymore, or all the attention. All of their so-called friends have deserted them. And it's REALLY sad! It's why women spend copious amounts of money on cosmetic surgery, and fool themselves into thinking they look exactly the same at 60 as they did at 30. It's why men buy sports cars when they turn 50, to fool themselves into believing that they are still the same guys they were at 25. Stereotypical? Yes. But in these particular stereotypes there is a kernel of truth. (And if you live in Los Angeles, the stereotype usually, sadly, BECOMES the truth.)
The other side of the coin is that attractive people are ALWAYS assumed to have gotten by solely on their looks. We think of them as less intelligent, less capable, and less trustworthy. So attractiveness is a blessing and a curse.
A number of years ago I learned that my middle-of-the-road looks are actually a blessing. I learned to develop my talent, rather than rely on looks to get me acting jobs. I learned to cultivate my sense of humor, and to listen to and empathize with other people. I started exercising in an effort to lose weight, not being one of those naturally thin types, and discovered a love of exercise that has led me to my current career. I am learning that eating fresh, healthy food is not what I HAVE to do in order to lose weight, but rather, is what my body craves, and what will keep me healthy and energized, as well as (hopefully) around for a long time to come.
Privilege can make life easier in some of the superficial ways, but it also makes for a lot of lessons unlearned. Going back to the whole "the unexamined life is not worth living" thing, I see that I have been truly blessed in so many ways.
And the blessings, along with the lessons, just keep coming.
Rapidly.
And, to be fair, it's not just men. Women are known to become stupid when in the presence of a good-looking fella, whether he's in the flesh, on celluloid, or in a photo. (On that note, can I just say to the women my age who lust after Taylor Lautner; um, EEEWW!!!!!! He's 17!!!!! He's a KID! If the situation were reversed and a 40 year-old guy was drooling after a 17 year-old girl, you'd call him a PERV, and rightly so! So just STOP IT!!!!!)
But it seems that we, as a country, lose maor IQ points every time Anna Chapman's name, or, worse, image, comes up. If you don't know, she is one of a number of people accused of spying for Russia while living in the U.S. She is 28, a sometimes-redhead, very attractive, and can often be found posing half-naked. She also has a Facebook page, which she posts on from her new home in Moscow, and she apparently REALLY wants to return to New York.
And many are hoping she will.
Which makes me wonder; what are we willing to forgive in attractive people that is inexcusable in those we consider less attractive?
In centuries past, beauty was considered a sign of goodness. A lovely woman (or man) couldn't possibly be anything other than angelic. (Then it turned around; never EVER trust a good-looking person! They are PURE EVIL!!!! More on that later.) Today we look at someone who is attractive and see them as superior because they have the "discipline" to take care of themselves; to avoid junk food, to go to the gym every day, etc. We still make A LOT of assumptions about people based on what they look like.
One of my LEAST favorite expressions is "S/he's out of my league." I've written about this before, I think. We walk around thinking we are either too good or not good enough for someone because of either looks, income, or both.
Puh-lease!!!!!!!!
Are we really so willing to welcome back with open arms a woman who may have been stealing government secrets and passing them on to the Russian government solely on the basis of her hotness?!?!?! What if Al-Quaeda started recruiting young women and putting them in thong bikinis laced with Anthrax, then shipping them over to Embassies? Yes, that's an extreme example (and I certainly don't want to give anyone any ideas), but I think you see my point. Just because someone is "hot" doesn't mean they get a free pass for bad behavior.
And the truth is we may never know the truth. Maybe Anna wasn't a spy. Maybe NONE of them were. Maybe they ALL were. But we're not hearing ANYTHING about the others, because they're not half-naked redheads.
There are those out there who will say I'm merely jealous. But there;s nothing MERE about it. As a not-ugly-but-not-smokin'-hot-either woman, I can tell you that I've had to work A LOT harder than my hot friends and acquaintances for certain things. I also went through a period, in my early-to-mid-20's, when I was considered quite attractive. (I know, hard to believe, lol!) And got A LOT of attention for all the wrong reasons.
I have studied people who, because of their wealth and/or looks, soak up that attention as if it is their due. It is one of the side-effects of privilege. They have never been treated any differently, so they don't really know any better. But when the looks go, or the money runs out, they get lost. They don't get the freebies anymore, or all the attention. All of their so-called friends have deserted them. And it's REALLY sad! It's why women spend copious amounts of money on cosmetic surgery, and fool themselves into thinking they look exactly the same at 60 as they did at 30. It's why men buy sports cars when they turn 50, to fool themselves into believing that they are still the same guys they were at 25. Stereotypical? Yes. But in these particular stereotypes there is a kernel of truth. (And if you live in Los Angeles, the stereotype usually, sadly, BECOMES the truth.)
The other side of the coin is that attractive people are ALWAYS assumed to have gotten by solely on their looks. We think of them as less intelligent, less capable, and less trustworthy. So attractiveness is a blessing and a curse.
A number of years ago I learned that my middle-of-the-road looks are actually a blessing. I learned to develop my talent, rather than rely on looks to get me acting jobs. I learned to cultivate my sense of humor, and to listen to and empathize with other people. I started exercising in an effort to lose weight, not being one of those naturally thin types, and discovered a love of exercise that has led me to my current career. I am learning that eating fresh, healthy food is not what I HAVE to do in order to lose weight, but rather, is what my body craves, and what will keep me healthy and energized, as well as (hopefully) around for a long time to come.
Privilege can make life easier in some of the superficial ways, but it also makes for a lot of lessons unlearned. Going back to the whole "the unexamined life is not worth living" thing, I see that I have been truly blessed in so many ways.
And the blessings, along with the lessons, just keep coming.
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