Sometimes a girl's just gotta admit she needs help. Even, ESPECIALLY, those of us who try to be Superwoman, or Supermom, or just, generally, be All Things to All People.
And loses herself.
I just found out there's a place nearby, REALLY nearby, that specializes in helping people who have or have had an ED. They have full-day, 1/2-day, and outpatient programs. I can arrange to see a nutritionist once a week, and s/he will work with me on IE. They'll also help me get my insurance to pay for as much of it as possible.
Because I can't do it on my own.
I do A LOT on my own, because I'm afraid to ask for help. I don't want to impose, and I don't want to be seen as weak.
I don't want to be criticized.
There are other things I want to write down, but I'm afraid. Even in my own blog I'm afraid of being judged.
But what the hell, here goes:
Somewhere along the line, and I was young, I learned that in order to get attention I had to act out somehow. Very often I didn't want negative attention, so I stayed quiet. I didn't want to be yelled at or punished (although sometimes I couldn't help myself. I mean, heck, I was a kid, lol!). But if I was sad or had a problem, sometimes that would get me a hug, or some one-on-one attention.
Which doesn't mean I developed bulimia as a way to get attention. It goes way deeper than that. There were so many reasons why I went down that path (and, later, to the rest of it). It was about feeling so deeply inadequate, so useless and even, at times, unloved. Where did these feelings come from? I honestly don't know. I DO believe that all of us deal with circumstances differently, that some of us are more sensitive than others, and I DEFINITELY fall into that category.
And I know I still live in fear: fear that I will be left alone, that I will be unloved.
That, still, I am inadequate.
It's easy to say that my "deficiencies" are due to my looks. After all, the message we get over and over and over is that we are our bodies, and those bodies are public property. Nothing matters more than how we look, and that was certainly the case in my former profession. Sometimes I think I was drawn to that world because it was familiar. And now I'm out of that world, and at loose ends. I have to deal with the reality, that it's NOT about my appearance, and it's huge and scary.
So yes, I need someone to walk me down the right path and to hold my hand if necessary.
Because I've been trying to "fix" myself, on my own, for a really long time.
The thing is, I'm not broken. There are certain areas of my life that need some TLC, but I am not broken.
If I keep saying that, maybe I'll eventually believe it.