Friday, April 27, 2012

Ah yes, the new look.  this is my first time posting on the new format, so we'll see how it goes.

As I type this it is nearly 2 AM.  I will most likely type a bit and then head back to bed and try to sleep, but my mind is racing.  All those things that seem so vital at this time, which, come daylight, I will put into better perspective.
It's looking like the program I wanted to do for my compulsive eating is going to be too expensive, even with insurance.  It's also a big time commitment, and with the kids getting out of school in 4 weeks it just isn't feasible.  So I'm looking at other options, including a certain 12-step program.  Yes, it's anonymous, but I won't write about anyone else here, just myself.  If that's allowed.  I sure hope so!

I need to get over this deep-seated belief I have that not only am I deeply flawed. but that it's going to take A TON of work to fix me.  Yes, it will take work, and time, but geez louise,  it's not like I'm a bank robber or anything!

OK, it's now nearly noon on Friday.  I wrote the above Tuesday  morning.  Work is done, I've got a few hours before the end of the school day, and I've figured a few things out.
I've found a teleclass that will help me.  It's actually something I discovered a number of years ago, but for various reasons was unable to do it. It's based in San Francisco, which doesn't really matter, but it's nice to know it's nearby. It doesn't start until mid-May, but I'm REALLY excited!  In the meantime, I'm paying more attention to...well, everything.
And re-reading "Intuitive Eating." 'Cause, hey, it couldn't hurt!

In better news, this weekend is the Shakespeare workshop.  I'll be volunteering, helping out 20 years after I began my professional career with them.  :)
Which has led me to what I think is a pretty big realization:  acting was the only "acceptable" outlet for my feelings.  And what an outlet!  Especially Shakespeare.  Rage, passion, lust, love, hatred...EVERYTHING is expressed in his plays!  And you need a big voice and a lot of deep breathing to express it all. When I stopped acting I stopped expressing, and I even stopped taking those big, deep breaths (despite the name of this blog, lol!), and I started eating.  And eating and eating and eating.
So does that mean I need to go back to treading the boards?  Not necessarily. It DOES mean I need to find ways to express myself.  Not intellectually, I'm pretty good at that.  But emotionally.  Even if it makes other people uncomfortable. Or angry.  'Cause, hey, they're entitled to their feelings, too!
I won't go out of my way to hurt anyone. But I've spent waaaaay too long going out of my way to NOT hurt anyone.  And ended up hurting myself.
A lot.

Now I want my kids to know that they have the right to their feelings.  Not that they currently have ANY problems expressing them, lol!
But I want to make damn sure it stays that way.

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