Ah yes, the new look.  this is my first time posting on the new format, so we'll see how it goes.

As I type this it is nearly 2 AM.  I will most likely type a bit and then head back to bed and try to sleep, but my mind is racing.  All those things that seem so vital at this time, which, come daylight, I will put into better perspective.
It's looking like the program I wanted to do for my compulsive eating is going to be too expensive, even with insurance.  It's also a big time commitment, and with the kids getting out of school in 4 weeks it just isn't feasible.  So I'm looking at other options, including a certain 12-step program.  Yes, it's anonymous, but I won't write about anyone else here, just myself.  If that's allowed.  I sure hope so!

I need to get over this deep-seated belief I have that not only am I deeply flawed. but that it's going to take A TON of work to fix me.  Yes, it will take work, and time, but geez louise,  it's not like I'm a bank robber or anything!

OK, it's now nearly noon on Friday.  I wrote the above Tuesday  morning.  Work is done, I've got a few hours before the end of the school day, and I've figured a few things out.
I've found a teleclass that will help me.  It's actually something I discovered a number of years ago, but for various reasons was unable to do it. It's based in San Francisco, which doesn't really matter, but it's nice to know it's nearby. It doesn't start until mid-May, but I'm REALLY excited!  In the meantime, I'm paying more attention to...well, everything.
And re-reading "Intuitive Eating." 'Cause, hey, it couldn't hurt!

In better news, this weekend is the Shakespeare workshop.  I'll be volunteering, helping out 20 years after I began my professional career with them.  :)
Which has led me to what I think is a pretty big realization:  acting was the only "acceptable" outlet for my feelings.  And what an outlet!  Especially Shakespeare.  Rage, passion, lust, love, hatred...EVERYTHING is expressed in his plays!  And you need a big voice and a lot of deep breathing to express it all. When I stopped acting I stopped expressing, and I even stopped taking those big, deep breaths (despite the name of this blog, lol!), and I started eating.  And eating and eating and eating.
So does that mean I need to go back to treading the boards?  Not necessarily. It DOES mean I need to find ways to express myself.  Not intellectually, I'm pretty good at that.  But emotionally.  Even if it makes other people uncomfortable. Or angry.  'Cause, hey, they're entitled to their feelings, too!
I won't go out of my way to hurt anyone. But I've spent waaaaay too long going out of my way to NOT hurt anyone.  And ended up hurting myself.
A lot.

Now I want my kids to know that they have the right to their feelings.  Not that they currently have ANY problems expressing them, lol!
But I want to make damn sure it stays that way.

New Beginnings

My niece arrived early Saturday morning, and she's GORGEOUS!!!!!!! She's home already (actually, they were home by Sunday afternoon.  Before you know it we're gonna have drive-through births).

We're closing the sale of our house in 1 month, but asking the new owners if we can stay until mid-June, the end of the kids' regular school year.

Last night my favorite Spin teacher added another class to his schedule, so I'm adding it to mine.  2 days in a row of Spin, plus all the Pilates, weight training, yoga, etc.  Think I can handle it?  We'll see! (If you don't hear from me in a week I'm recuperating.  If it's more than 2 weeks, I may be in a medically-induced coma.)

Monday I spent most of the day in a lab at UCSF medical center.  I'm part of a study on the effects of stress on the body, particularly for mothers of kids on the autism spectrum.  I did interviews, had A LOT of blood drawn, and played computer games with a bunch of electrodes hooked up o me.  I'm also wearing a Respironics sensor and taking saliva samples.  It's pretty cool!  The study goes on for 2 years, and I'll do this sort of thing once every 9 months.
Oh, and I'm getting paid, which is nice.

I've also been meditating more.  It really does work! There's a meditation center not far from here.  If I can ever find a time that jibes with my schedule I'd really like to go.  It's all donation based, which is pretty cool.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of music I listened to when I was in my teens/early 20's.  Stuff I haven't listened to in a while.  I forgot how much great music there was back in the early 90's: James, Blur, Crowded House (who are still recording and touring), Jesus Jones (likewise), Voice of the Beehive (my daughter loves them too, which makes me so happy!),  Paul Westerberg, R.E.M., some of my favorite U2 songs, and on and on.  I'm also turning into my parents: "When I was your age, we had GOOD music!"  Then I'll hear something from, say, Gym Class Heroes or Foo fighters and that'll shut me up.
But I still got ridiculously happy the other night when the Spin instructor played the Bee Gees.

Our new car has a wireless system that automatically plays music from my phone.  So I put it on Pandora and pick a channel.  This morning it was Smokey Robinson, and that was so cool. (It also lets me talk on the phone through he speaker system, which makes me feel like Capt. Picard talking to the captain of a rogue Klingon ship.  Because I'm THAT much of a nerd!)

Finally, both kids are back in school.  And while I'm happy for the free time, I kinda miss them.
But, unlike in "Game of Thrones," Summer is coming, and I'll have the kids underfoot again all day very soon.

Heaven help me, lol!

My Niece is On Her Way!!!!!!!

Just got a text that my S-I-L's water broke.  She and her hubby are at the hospital.  Yahoooooooo!!!!!!!!!

OK, I Give.

Sometimes a girl's just gotta admit she needs help.  Even, ESPECIALLY, those of us who try to be Superwoman, or Supermom, or just, generally, be All Things to All People.
And loses herself.

I just found out there's a place nearby, REALLY nearby, that specializes in helping people who have or have had an ED.  They have full-day, 1/2-day, and outpatient programs.  I can arrange to see a nutritionist once a week, and s/he will work with me on IE. They'll also help me get my insurance to pay for as much of it as possible.
Because I can't do it on my own.

I do A LOT on my own, because I'm afraid to ask for help.  I don't want to impose, and I don't want to be seen as weak.
I don't want to be criticized.

There are other things I want to write down, but I'm afraid.  Even in my own blog I'm afraid of being judged.
But what the hell, here goes:
Somewhere along the line, and I was young, I learned that in order to get attention I had to act out somehow. Very often I didn't want negative attention, so I stayed quiet.  I didn't want to be yelled at or punished (although sometimes I couldn't help myself.  I mean, heck, I was a kid, lol!).  But if  I was sad or had a problem, sometimes that would get me a hug, or some one-on-one attention.
Which doesn't mean I developed bulimia as a way to get attention.  It goes way deeper than that. There were so many reasons why I went down that path (and, later, to the rest of it). It was about feeling so deeply inadequate, so useless and even, at times, unloved.  Where did these feelings come from?  I honestly don't know.  I DO believe that all of us deal with circumstances differently, that some of us are more sensitive than others, and I DEFINITELY fall into that category.
And I know I still live in fear: fear that I will be left alone, that I will be unloved.
That, still, I am inadequate.

It's easy to say that my "deficiencies" are due to my looks. After all, the message we get over and over and over is that we are our bodies, and those bodies are public property.  Nothing matters more than how we look, and that was certainly the case in my former profession.  Sometimes I think I was drawn to that world because it was familiar. And now I'm out of that world, and at loose ends.  I have to deal with the reality, that it's NOT about my appearance, and it's huge and scary.

So yes, I need someone to walk me down the right path and to hold my hand if necessary.

Because I've been trying to "fix" myself, on my own, for a really long time.
The thing is, I'm not broken.  There are certain areas of my life that need some TLC, but I am not broken.

If I keep saying that, maybe I'll eventually believe it.

The Fountain of Youth: Is There an App for That?

 'Cause I could use it right about now.
The other day my back was sore again.  Luckily it only lasted a day, and I stretched it out.  I also went rollerblading with LG, who's quite the taskmaster. ("Catch me Mom!  Get me!"  For an hour.  I finally had to distract him with the promise of ice cream.) Add that to the Tennis Elbow, creaky neck, and off-and-on sore knees, and I'm starting to feel like Marley's ghost rattling around the house.
Jacob Marley, however, didn't have access to a hot tub, and I do.  So I soaked for a bit while LG did his polar plunge in the unheated pool (although at one point he DID ask for summer, lol!  He's such a cutie, smartie pie!). Later, it was off to Spin and my Pilates w/Weights class.

We are now in Week 2 of Spring Break, which is WG's turn. This is a bit harder, as I have to drive LG to school & pick him up, and the noise level on the schoolyard can be too much for WG. It's also harder to run errands with her for the same reason (over-stimulation), but it's important that she be out and about and learn to be in the world.
Today we went to a little playground & she had the place to herself.  Tomorrow we're going to try an indoor kids gym called Safari Run.  She's never been, so we'll see how it goes.  The sad part is that it's supposed to start raining tomorrow, and continue until Sunday.  So I need to find fun indoor activities for her.
I did manage to get a workout in this morning (Slim in 6), and have great hope that I can do so tomorrow, as well.

Finally, I'm re-doubling my focus on Intuitive Eating.  Focusing on myself, rather than food or weight, trying to feel things and let them pass, all of that.  I haven't been doing a very good job of it, and I need to pay more attention.
Actually, lately my eating has taken on the feeling of being compulsive:  I eat when I'm not hungry, I eat more than I need, and I eat when I'm anxious and stressed, which is pretty much all the time.  Last night I was trying to get to sleep: it was after 10 PM, the kids were up, in their rooms playing with noisy toys, Hubby was watching TV in our room with the light on, and I'd recently stuffed a bunch of potato chips into my pie hole that I didn't want.  After eating too much at dinner.  I felt as if I couldn't breathe, and at the same time I wanted to scream. I realized I desperately need help.
Because as tired as I am of this extra fat, I'm REALLY tired of thinking about it, focusing on it, and struggling with it.  I have more important things to do.
And I'm tired of not knowing what, exactly, leads me to the refrigerator.
So, attention must be paid, and then the answers will come.

And I MUST  take care of myself!  Because if Mommy ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!!!!!!!

Whouda Thunk It?

Friday morning, after working with my private client for an hour, I went upstairs and actually used the gym I work at.  When I teach my mat classes I do the class with the clients, and on Wednesdays, before my class, I take Spin.  But on Tuesdays and Fridays I see my private client.  I teach with her on the Reformer and me off, then usually leave right after.  But the gym now has these computerized Spin bikes that let you program your own workout: you put it together (or choose a pre-made one) and an instructor comes on screen to guide you through.  It's not quite as fun as a live class, but it's still great, and a nice way to get a workout in when there isn't a class available.
Afterwards I ventured out onto the gym floor and lifted weights.  After all that, and a shower, I felt like a new woman.  I went to the grocery store, fortified myself with an iced soy latte from Peet's, and continued on with my errands.
So I guess there's something to that whole exercise-creates-endorphins thing.
Huh.

I used to workout in the morning all the time. It was the only time I had available, and with 2 toddlers, I would hit the hay pretty early.  I generally prefer evening workouts, but there is something to be said for not only getting it done first thing, but getting that energy boost and endorphin rush.
Especially today: WG was home with a cold most of the week, but went back to school Friday.  LG has spring break this week, and WG's is next week.  So downtime will be at a premium.
Or, y'know, nonexistent.

I go back and forth between wishing they both had their break at the same time and liking the fact that I get one-on-one time with them both, which doesn't happen often.  So we'll go swimming, rollerblading, ice skating, playground...ing.  And I'll keep up fervent wishes that it doesn't rain, lol!

And I'll keep up with the cardio.  I know there's now a school of thought that steady-state cardio is BAD, that intervals and Tabatas are the way to go, but I can't deny the good it does my brain and my spirit.  (Besides, we always do intervals in Spin, and my kickboxing/boxing/MMA DVDs are mostly intervals.)
Because as much as I love and will continue to practice yoga and Pilates, sometimes a girl needs to pretend to win the Tour de France, or imagine she's kicking and punching that guy who rode her bumper the whole time she was on the freeway. In the slow lane.
Because imagining it is better than actually DOING it.  At least in the case of the latter.
I'd hate to have to have my 10 year-old bail me out of jail.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, everyone!