Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Universe Strikes Again

I KNOW there are some things I just should NOT say out loud, or even think.  Like, in a recent post, "WG hasn't had a meltdown all week" which was, of course, almost immediately followed by the mother of all meltdowns, and further followed by a week of melting down that includes hair pulling and scratching along with the wailing.
I also shouldn't say/think "My back is so much stronger from Pilates!  I haven't had any issues in years!" Because I will then stand up and throw my back out. The night before Hubby, LG, and the entire extended family leave for a 3-day camping trip to Yosemite, leaving me alone with the inability to stand up straight AND a WG in seemingly perpetual meltdown status. And a dog who needs to be walked at regular intervals.
Luckily, a couple of weeks ago, Hubby found my old back support.  I guess the Universe was trying to tell me that I'd be needing it soon. So I can at least stand up a bit and walk. Yes, I look like a cross between Quasimodo and Jacob Marley sans chains, but at least I'm semi-ambulatory.
Of course, I WAS gonna do all these cardio workouts this weekend, start getting the ol' stamina back up.  But that's obviously not gonna happen. The best I can hope for is that my back will feel better by Tuesday, which is when I have to teach my next class.
Something is going on.  In the past few weeks I've had wrist, neck, and foot pain, all on my right side.  And the back pain is, you guessed it, on the lower right side.  I can't figure out if it's simply physical or something more. Am I overtraining?  ENTIRELY possible.  Is the Universe trying to force me to take a rest? Mission accomplished!  Is is partly due to stress?  Is there some kind of left side/right side imbalance thing going on?  All of the above?

And there's another thing; I'm lonely.  It's July 4th, and everyone I know is off doing something fun.  I'm sitting here with WG (who's watching "Baby Einstein") having a little pity party.  But the truth is, everyone I know will be celebrating with friends and loved ones tonight, and I'll be watching "Pops Goes the Fourth" on TV.  Granted, WG and I will walk up the street to catch the local fireworks, as long as she's in a good mood. Then we'll come home and watch on TV.
I can't get in touch with anyone.  My own mother isn't returning my calls.  Maybe she's embarrassed by her pathetic offspring, lol! Hubby can't get a decent signal at his campsite.  And this is the second 4th of July in a row that he's been off camping while I've been home with one or both kids.
The fact is, I'm also overwhelmed.  When I'm not teaching, I'm home taking care of the kids.  I don't go on vacation often and when I do, guess who's taking care of the kids while others go off and do their thing?  I know I've mentioned this before.  I guess it's time I try and get through to Hubby.  Because he just doesn't understand.
I think maybe the Universe is telling me to get off my duff and speak up for myself, already! If I sit around waiting for everyone to notice my good deeds and "sacrifices," I'll end up with a martyr complex, and I HATE that!  Time for me to stop being such a good little girl, take a cue from WG, and let my needs be known! OK, I'm not gonna pull peoples' hair and scratch their skin off, but you get my meaning.  I need more than the occasional hour off every month.  I need some quality ME time!  And I need to NOT feel guilty about it, either because we're on a budget, or I "should" be home with the kids, or whatever!  Hubby is a GREAT dad, and he's perfectly capable of watching the kids!  And y'know what?  It'd be GOOD for him to get a taste of what I deal with whenever he goes away!
He once told me that he had no idea I was under so much stress because I seemed so capable and put together.  Which is funny, 'cause it was an act I put on for him so he wouldn't think I was incompetent.  Yeesh!  Where is my head at?!?!?!  Why are everyone else's needs SO MUCH MORE important than mine?!?!?!?!
This idea that being a mother means you put yourself last?  Is bullcrap!  No, I don't mean that I'm going to hire a full-time nanny and neglect my kids while I go to wine tastings and get in fights with other suburban moms, but I didn't stop being a human being just because I gave birth.
The other day, when one of my classes was canceled, I was feeling guilty because clients might be inconvenienced.  Now, my clients are extremely important, but more important than needing to be with my kids?  More important than my need to NOT exhaust myself?  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  Trying to not make waves, to be the good student/employee/wife/mom/girl.  And you know what?  I am so BLOODY sick of it!  I AM a good mom!  A good wife, employee, etc.  But I am SICK of being a GOOD GIRL!  I'm a grown woman,  and I don't need anyone else's approval. The only one who can (and will) take care of me is ME!
And it's abut frackin' time I started!

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