Not necessarily in that order.
Because yesterday was just one of THOSE days. I had a horrible time in my voiceover class (one of those days when you wonder if you are on the wrong track, if you're wasting your time and money and should just quit before you completely humiliate and/or want to kill yourself), nearly got hit (with my son in the car) by an idiot truck driver who then blamed ME ('cause, yeah, I FORCED him to cut across 2 lanes of oncoming traffic and nearly plow into my minivan!) and proceeded to get into an profanity-laced shouting match with him. My pants were tight, my kids were cranky, Hubby was at school, and it's nearly June AND IT'S STILL COLD AND RAINING!!!!!!!!!!
And then Evan DIDN'T win "Dancing With the Stars!" OK, I kinda knew Nicole would win, 'cause she's a pretty amazing dancer, but Evan is just so darn cute, and he had to take all that flak from the Russian dude when he won the Gold in Vancouver, and he was really classy about it. Plus he's REALLY tall and, unlike me, not even a little bit klutzy.
But, on a GREAT note, I signed up for Geneen Roth's online "Women Food and G-d" retreat. Because I NEED it!!!!!! And last night was our first meeting, which I was able to access online. I think I'm FINALLY starting to understand that it's NOT "mind over matter." In fact, it's kinda the opposite. For a long time I have tried to force my brain to think differently so that I could behave differently, but sometimes you just have to pay attention to what's happening from the neck down and tell the brain to hush up for a bit.
I've also started reading "A Course In Miracles" and "A Return to Love," which is a primer on "Miracles." I think it'll be easier to read "Love" first, because "Miracles" is pretty intense. It's like the difference between seeing a Shakespeare play and reading it. (Shakespeare never intended for his plays to be read, just seen. And all that symbolism and hidden meaning we were taught to look for in high school? DOESN'T EXIST!!!!)
(Favorite quote regarding "Hamlet":
Reporter (to John Barrymore): So, did Hamlet ever sleep with his mother?"
Barrymore: "Only in the Chicago company." Heeee!)
Anyway, there are, apparently, quite a few people taking part in this retreat (over 500, I believe), from all over the country and possibly the world. It's pretty amazing to know that one is not alone; that I'm not the only person who has these crazy thoughts, this lifelong battle with her brain and body, or is afraid that I'll be the ONE person the program won't work for!
We also have a couple of assignments each week (laid out in the book). Once a day, try to eat only when we're hungry. Also once a day, look at all the things we DO have.
Some things she said that stand out for me (Not direct quotes, my brain doesn't work that way):
We are alive. We have legs and arms and bodies. Think of the 350,000 people who died today who DON'T have that. They would give anything to be able to see their loved ones for just one more second; to feel and smell and touch. We can do ALL that.
Make a commitment. But don't berate yourself if you don't do it 100%.
We have turned to food up until now because up until know we have done the best we can.
And from Marianne Williamson: We tend to blame our parents for everything. But often the things our parents did "wrong" don't come close to the abuse we heap upon ourselves.
Some things to think about.