Saturday, May 15, 2010

Tired of It

Sometimes I get so sick of analyzing everything.  When I was a kid I took drama lessons and we had to analyze our script, our feelings, create character biographies, and on and on.  This continued as I became a professional.  But it was all in service of The Art.  Eventually I got so tired of it all that I quit.
On and off throughout my life I have been in therapy.  A lot of good has come out of it.  I started therapy again a couple of years ago, and I think this may be the best of it.  I have every intention of continuing.  In fact, I recently began looking into training as a drama therapist. I'm not gonna do it right now, but maybe someday.
The thing is, sometimes I just don't WANT to look into everything all the time!!!! I don't want to know WHY I'm feeling angry, or why I started to cry this morning, or whatever.  Sometimes I wanna just BE.
And truthfully?  Right now I am sick to death of the "Love my body" idea!  Yes, I appreciate that I am alive, that I can walk and run and hug my kids and walk the dog and all of it, but y'know what?  I'm also sick and tired of buying clothes in larger and larger sizes!  I'm tired of being the Fat Pilates Teacher! I'm tired of not being able to run as far as I used to be, and of getting breathless more easily!  I'm tired of sitting down and feeling my belly roll up into my lap. I hate knowing that I can't even just suck it in anymore, 'cause it's all over my body: my arms, my legs, my belly, everything has gotten so BIG!  I feel like a stranger in my own skin!
I'm not gonna starve myself.  I'm not gonna work out 4 hours a day.  I'm not trying to get a "bikini body," whatever the hell that is.  I'm just trying to get MY body back!
This is not about hating fat people.  I don't.  In fact, this is not about ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!!!  I have THE RIGHT to feel this way!  I am SO f&^*ing tired of trying to be so f^&%ing POSITIVE all the time!!!!!  Of trying to never offend anyone, of putting MYSELF on the back burner because EVERYONE ELSE is SO much more important!!!
Well, y'know what?  If you come upon this entry in this blog and you're offended?  TOO BAD!!!!! I'm assuming you're an adult, so you can just put on your big girl panties and deal with it!  I am so f^&%ing tired of walking around on eggshells.  This is MY blog, these are MY thoughts, and if you don't like 'em, you are free to leave.
And if you want to comment, go right ahead.  Do your worst.  I can take it, I'm a big girl.  And you have the right to feel however YOU feel!!!!!


Charlotte said...

Good for you girl! It's exhausting being positive all the time. Esp. when being positive doesn't come naturally (i.e. I'm a natural cynic). And I'm totally with you about the wanting the extra poundage gone. Frankly the only reason I'm embracing Geneen Roth so much is because hating myself isn't working and I'm still hoping she'll help me lose weight. Yeah, I know that's messed up.

azusmom said...

It's not messed up. I think it's what brings most of us to her!