Saturday, February 20, 2010

Can You Say STRESS?!?!?!?!

So I was looking at the photo I referenced in the previous post, and I realized that...
I look like my DAD!
Which isn't a BAD thing, y'know, excpet,
my dad was a DUDE, you know?
And I don't wanna look like a DUDE!

Right now I can picture him up there, sitting with Howard Zinn and Robert B. Parker, nursing a beer, and saying "What's so wrong about looking like your old man?"
And, I repeat, NOTHING.
Except, well, I'm a WOMAN.
And, truthfully?  I don't think he'd be offended.

But I also realize something else:  I am STRESSED beyond belief!  This week, in particular, has been exceedingly difficult, and has led to not only overeating (and eating junk), but to a lot of yelling and cussing.
In front of my kids.
Which is NOT good!

And as I look back over the past few years, I see that my stress level has been consistently high, and I've been in denial. But this past week has really opened my eyes, and I need help.  Help with the kids, with the housework, with managing my moods.  I'm already in therapy, which is a good thing.  But I need to be more honest with my therapist, and I can only do that if I'm truly honest with myself.
My kids are very forgiving.  They don't hold a grudge.  But yesterday, when I was yelling and cursing, I think I scared them a bit.  And I always said I would NEVER make them feel that way!!!!!!  And I certainly DO NOT want them to learn that kind of behavior, especially from me!  If I can deal with things calmly, then they will learn to do the same.

For so LONG I have been focused on my weight.  Which lets me defer the focus from where it belongs: on my feelings and my reactions to those feelings.  It's time to buckle down, grow up, and deal with it once and for all.  I may not like what I see when I look inside, but I like what I'm doing now even less.  Sometimes I really don't like myself.  And Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.

I'll figure it out.  It won't always be pretty, but it's gotta be done.

So here goes.


Charlotte said...

Good luck! I really admire you for trying. I haven't figured out this whole "being a grown-up" thing either:) These days I'm kinda just living with my crazy until I get time to do some serious self examination.

azusmom said...

I think you get a pass on that until your kids are at least out of toddlerhood, lol!

legendswife said...

Please, give yourself a break. We all have those days. I still have mine and I tell my children "ear muffs"(Old School). And hey,many of us look like our dads.I look like my dad and my older brother. Now my oldest son, looks just like me. Look at the yourself and say "I love my_____________________" See. You did it.You Go Girl:)

God Bless

azusmom said...

legendswife, THANK YOU!!!!