So I was looking at the photo I referenced in the previous post, and I realized that...
I look like my DAD!
Which isn't a BAD thing, y'know, excpet,
my dad was a DUDE, you know?
And I don't wanna look like a DUDE!
Right now I can picture him up there, sitting with Howard Zinn and Robert B. Parker, nursing a beer, and saying "What's so wrong about looking like your old man?"
And, I repeat, NOTHING.
Except, well, I'm a WOMAN.
And, truthfully? I don't think he'd be offended.
But I also realize something else: I am STRESSED beyond belief! This week, in particular, has been exceedingly difficult, and has led to not only overeating (and eating junk), but to a lot of yelling and cussing.
In front of my kids.
Which is NOT good!
And as I look back over the past few years, I see that my stress level has been consistently high, and I've been in denial. But this past week has really opened my eyes, and I need help. Help with the kids, with the housework, with managing my moods. I'm already in therapy, which is a good thing. But I need to be more honest with my therapist, and I can only do that if I'm truly honest with myself.
My kids are very forgiving. They don't hold a grudge. But yesterday, when I was yelling and cursing, I think I scared them a bit. And I always said I would NEVER make them feel that way!!!!!! And I certainly DO NOT want them to learn that kind of behavior, especially from me! If I can deal with things calmly, then they will learn to do the same.
For so LONG I have been focused on my weight. Which lets me defer the focus from where it belongs: on my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. It's time to buckle down, grow up, and deal with it once and for all. I may not like what I see when I look inside, but I like what I'm doing now even less. Sometimes I really don't like myself. And Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.
I'll figure it out. It won't always be pretty, but it's gotta be done.
So here goes.