OK, see, one of my issues (among MANY) is that I have a childlike curiosity about things, coupled with a childlike attention span. Last week I went back to hot yoga after having missed almost 3 weeks of classes. And I started thinking "Y'know what'd be really cool? If I did the 30-day challenge!" That's where you do (at least) 1 Bikram class a day, every day, for a month. There are also 60 and 90-day challenges.
Then reality kicked in. I currently teach 7 hours of Pilates a week, and will be teaching more as the holidays come around and I start subbing. I also ride my bike to and from work on Fridays (30 minutes one way), when I don't have access to the car in the morning.
I have 2 kids with Autism. They have in-home therapy 3 days a week, as well as outside therapy 2 days a week. And I do it with them, as well as driving them to and fro.
WG is FINALLY sleeping through the night again, after a monh of waking up in the middle of the night and screaming for hours. (I'll be talking to her pediatrician about giving her melatonin; apparently it's very helpful with other Autistic kids who have sleeping issues.)
And now, WG and I have colds. She's been home for the past couple of days, and we've had to postpone her birthday party (she turns 6 tomorrow!!!!)
We're also dealing with things like semi-annual meetings at school, to gauge the progress of WG and LG, annual meetings with their social workers, and the fact that the school district is trying to take away WG's therapy. (Economics.)
So, not the best time to add on 7 1/2 hours a week of hot yoga, lol!
HOWEVER...
Lululemon in Palo Alto, which is not too terribly far, is offering FREE Crossfit classes every Sunday in November!!!!!! I've been wanting to try Crossfit, and now I can! For FREE! And I can still do yoga 2 or 3 times a week without killing myself.
I am a happy camper!
And here's hoping WG's cold is JUST a cold, and no the flu. 'Cause while Wall Streeters may have access to the flu vaccine, my kids still don't.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
"Wins"
About 10 or 11 years ago, when hubby and I were still living in L.A, in our last gasp of the 20-somethings and childless, we were both actors. We lived in a condo in Los Feliz, a really nice section of the city that has lots of cool shops and cafes, and sits at the base of the Hollywood Hills. Just beneath the Observatory, in fact. We often walked up to the Observatory, passing by the Greek Theater, Griffith Park, and one of many homes designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, on the way. (L.A. could be SUCH a cool city if it weren't for the entertainment industry!)
A few blockes from where we lived was a retaurant called "No Place Like Home." It was a favorite of ours; lots of outdoor (but covered) seating, good food, good coffee, friendly waitstaff, mellow customers, and they loved our dog.
One fine morning we were sitting at breakfast when a large group of early-20 somethings sat down near us. Turns out they were meeting before class.
Acting class.
There was a small studio down the street that offered acting classes.
Now, I should qualify this next bit by saying that New York and L.A have literally THOUSANDS of acting classes. Many, MANY unemployed actors will rent space and set up classes. Some are very good. The majority, unfortunately, are terrible. Even those which have decent reputations can be scams. (Cough-Beverly Hills Playhouse-cough. I mean, come on! $300 dollars a month to watch your peers get ripped a new one? Yes, observation is important. But not THAT important!)
So anyway, there sat these young, fresh-faced, exuberant hopefuls proclaiming, rather loudly (as well as numerously) that they were ACTORS.
'Cause that's rare in L.A.
Meeting actors.
Other than, y'know, your neighbors, your mailman, the busboy, bus driver, barista, the rabbi, etc. etc.
And they were going around the table talking about their "wins." I assume this was something they learned in class; talk about a good thing that happened during the past week, career-wise. Things like "I had an audition, and they only asked me to strip down to my panties, so I didn't have to be COMPLETELY naked! Yes, they videotaped it. Funny, I never knew there was a studio in that skanky area downtown!"
OK, no one actually said that, but you get the idea.
And now I must admit that Hubby and I sat there and rolled our eyes. Because A) Quite honestly, they were incredibly obnoxious and loud (seriously, other customers were leaving in a huff) and B) We'd been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and whatever other cliches you can think of to say we'd lived through it, all of it, and survived. And were at the point where we knew it was not as sunny and wonderful and special as these kids were making it out to be.
Now, a part of me wanted to think "Oh, how sweet! They're not bitter and jaded yet!" But I just couldn't. (See above mention of their being obnoxious.) And I was also angry at this teacher, who was probably making a nice chunk of change off of these students and not giving them a lot in return. Hey, I could be wrong; maybe s/he was the most brillaint teacher EVER. Maybe they UNDERcharged theit students, while at the same time providing them with priceless knowledge of both art and industry. Maybe each one of those students is now living the most perfefect life thay could ever have imagined.
But I doubt it.
Because in L.A., particularly the entertainment industry, we all become whores. We do pretty much whatever it takes to make money, and, even more so, to get a toe in the industry. Even if it goes against everything we believe in and hold dear.
This morning I was thinking about commercials. Specifically campaign ads, it being election day. And I was wondering; if I were offered A LOT of money to do an ad for a program or candidate I violently disagreed with, would I do it? SHOULD I do it? Would the fact that the money would help my family override the damage I would do by endorsing something or someone that made me sick?
I'd like to think I'd refuse the job.
If I were still in L.A., however, I know that here would be A LOT of pressure on me to accept it. I'd be threatened with being let go by my agents, wth being blacklisted from the ad agency AND casting agents, and generally flayed alive by everyone I knew, possibly including my own union. (Don't get me wrong, I am very much pro-union, and proud to be a member of the ones I'm in, but they're far from perfect.)
Which brings me (finally!) to the point of this post: I think I'm learning to trust my own opinions and instincts. It started with food and IE. Last night, for example, I made dinner, went to the gym and taught 2 hours of Pilates, then came home and ate a bit more before bed. Which everyone knows is a BIG diet no-no! DO NOT, he experts say, eat before bed! Wait AT LEAST 2 hours (preferably 3) after eating to hit the hay!
But I didn't. I was sound asleep within the hour. And I woke up this morning, thought about it, and said "It's OK."
And it is!
But this goes way beyond food. It hearkens back to, you guessed it,childhood, when I learned, at a VERY young age, that my opinions and instincts were not to be trusted. There were others who knew what was best for me, and I was to obey at all times. Having my own ideas or, G-d forbid, ARGUING, was verboten.
And I took this message into adulthood. I absorbed it so completely I didn't even realize I felt this way. It was automatic. I became a chameleon, and not in a good way. I lost myself. I truly believed that in order to survive I had to shut up. Listen to the "experts." Do what "they" said. Never disagree (at least, not out loud), and never, EVER make a mistake!
This seems to be , unfortunately, very common in girls and women. And at the root of a lot of eating disorders. We feel we must be perfect; perfect grades, perfect hair, perfect bodies, perfect resumes, perfect personalities. For me, I became withdrawn and terrified, plagued by stomachaches and headaches. For others, it can be the opposite; overly aggressive (spurred on by self-doubt, which is TOTALLY different from aggressiveness spurred on by true confidence), unable to truly accept help or friendship from anyone, believing, as I did, that once someone truly gets to know them, they won't like them anymore.
We are surrounded by advice. There are "experts" everywhere. TV, magazines, billboards all spout advice. At work and school, we have meetings or "retreats" with these experts, all telling how we "should" run our company, be team players, spend our money, yada yada yada.
OK, yes, sometimes we need experts. Having a solid financial plan is a good thing. Food labels can be helpful.
But...
We are rapidly approaching the pont where we no longer think for ourselves. Yes, Cocoa Crispies have a label saying they can boost immunity and, yes, it's pretty much a scam. But do we REALLY need the FDA to step in and TELL us it's a scam? Did people REALLY believe, when they bought Baby Einstein DVDs, that watching them would help their kid get into Harvard, hence the company now offering refunds on said DVDs?
Have we really lost all our common sense?
I don't know. Perhaps we have.
Perhaps it's time to step back, take a good hard look at the experts, and lisen to our own opinions again. Yes, "The Biggest Loser" contestants lose 30 pounds in a week. But is working out 6 hours a day really feasible for you? Do you think that losing so much weight, so quickly, is really a good idea? Is that Ab Rocker that they sell on TV at 3 AM REALLY the answer to your fitness prayers? And remember that old adage, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is? Well, that still holds. Maybe more so now than ever. (Just ask anyone who took out a sub-prime housing loan a few years ago!)
Every once in a while I think about those young actors and where they are now. They're in their mid-30's. Are they still performing? Do they look back and think how naive they were, or are they nostalgic? Do they still count their wins? Or are they too caught up in the things they "should" be doing and in the competitiveness of it all that they can't see the good stuff? Can they see past the careers and the money (or lack thereof) and the accolades (or lack thereof) and all the external stuff? My guess, if they're still in L.A, is no.
So, once again, I find myslef thanking G-d, Fate, Nature, and anyone else who helped me open my eyes and get the heck outta there. Because, while I know it's not just in L.A. that we find all this crap, being there cerainly didn't help my state of mind. And my kids WILL MOT grow up there.
Which is DEFINITELY a win!
A few blockes from where we lived was a retaurant called "No Place Like Home." It was a favorite of ours; lots of outdoor (but covered) seating, good food, good coffee, friendly waitstaff, mellow customers, and they loved our dog.
One fine morning we were sitting at breakfast when a large group of early-20 somethings sat down near us. Turns out they were meeting before class.
Acting class.
There was a small studio down the street that offered acting classes.
Now, I should qualify this next bit by saying that New York and L.A have literally THOUSANDS of acting classes. Many, MANY unemployed actors will rent space and set up classes. Some are very good. The majority, unfortunately, are terrible. Even those which have decent reputations can be scams. (Cough-Beverly Hills Playhouse-cough. I mean, come on! $300 dollars a month to watch your peers get ripped a new one? Yes, observation is important. But not THAT important!)
So anyway, there sat these young, fresh-faced, exuberant hopefuls proclaiming, rather loudly (as well as numerously) that they were ACTORS.
'Cause that's rare in L.A.
Meeting actors.
Other than, y'know, your neighbors, your mailman, the busboy, bus driver, barista, the rabbi, etc. etc.
And they were going around the table talking about their "wins." I assume this was something they learned in class; talk about a good thing that happened during the past week, career-wise. Things like "I had an audition, and they only asked me to strip down to my panties, so I didn't have to be COMPLETELY naked! Yes, they videotaped it. Funny, I never knew there was a studio in that skanky area downtown!"
OK, no one actually said that, but you get the idea.
And now I must admit that Hubby and I sat there and rolled our eyes. Because A) Quite honestly, they were incredibly obnoxious and loud (seriously, other customers were leaving in a huff) and B) We'd been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and whatever other cliches you can think of to say we'd lived through it, all of it, and survived. And were at the point where we knew it was not as sunny and wonderful and special as these kids were making it out to be.
Now, a part of me wanted to think "Oh, how sweet! They're not bitter and jaded yet!" But I just couldn't. (See above mention of their being obnoxious.) And I was also angry at this teacher, who was probably making a nice chunk of change off of these students and not giving them a lot in return. Hey, I could be wrong; maybe s/he was the most brillaint teacher EVER. Maybe they UNDERcharged theit students, while at the same time providing them with priceless knowledge of both art and industry. Maybe each one of those students is now living the most perfefect life thay could ever have imagined.
But I doubt it.
Because in L.A., particularly the entertainment industry, we all become whores. We do pretty much whatever it takes to make money, and, even more so, to get a toe in the industry. Even if it goes against everything we believe in and hold dear.
This morning I was thinking about commercials. Specifically campaign ads, it being election day. And I was wondering; if I were offered A LOT of money to do an ad for a program or candidate I violently disagreed with, would I do it? SHOULD I do it? Would the fact that the money would help my family override the damage I would do by endorsing something or someone that made me sick?
I'd like to think I'd refuse the job.
If I were still in L.A., however, I know that here would be A LOT of pressure on me to accept it. I'd be threatened with being let go by my agents, wth being blacklisted from the ad agency AND casting agents, and generally flayed alive by everyone I knew, possibly including my own union. (Don't get me wrong, I am very much pro-union, and proud to be a member of the ones I'm in, but they're far from perfect.)
Which brings me (finally!) to the point of this post: I think I'm learning to trust my own opinions and instincts. It started with food and IE. Last night, for example, I made dinner, went to the gym and taught 2 hours of Pilates, then came home and ate a bit more before bed. Which everyone knows is a BIG diet no-no! DO NOT, he experts say, eat before bed! Wait AT LEAST 2 hours (preferably 3) after eating to hit the hay!
But I didn't. I was sound asleep within the hour. And I woke up this morning, thought about it, and said "It's OK."
And it is!
But this goes way beyond food. It hearkens back to, you guessed it,childhood, when I learned, at a VERY young age, that my opinions and instincts were not to be trusted. There were others who knew what was best for me, and I was to obey at all times. Having my own ideas or, G-d forbid, ARGUING, was verboten.
And I took this message into adulthood. I absorbed it so completely I didn't even realize I felt this way. It was automatic. I became a chameleon, and not in a good way. I lost myself. I truly believed that in order to survive I had to shut up. Listen to the "experts." Do what "they" said. Never disagree (at least, not out loud), and never, EVER make a mistake!
This seems to be , unfortunately, very common in girls and women. And at the root of a lot of eating disorders. We feel we must be perfect; perfect grades, perfect hair, perfect bodies, perfect resumes, perfect personalities. For me, I became withdrawn and terrified, plagued by stomachaches and headaches. For others, it can be the opposite; overly aggressive (spurred on by self-doubt, which is TOTALLY different from aggressiveness spurred on by true confidence), unable to truly accept help or friendship from anyone, believing, as I did, that once someone truly gets to know them, they won't like them anymore.
We are surrounded by advice. There are "experts" everywhere. TV, magazines, billboards all spout advice. At work and school, we have meetings or "retreats" with these experts, all telling how we "should" run our company, be team players, spend our money, yada yada yada.
OK, yes, sometimes we need experts. Having a solid financial plan is a good thing. Food labels can be helpful.
But...
We are rapidly approaching the pont where we no longer think for ourselves. Yes, Cocoa Crispies have a label saying they can boost immunity and, yes, it's pretty much a scam. But do we REALLY need the FDA to step in and TELL us it's a scam? Did people REALLY believe, when they bought Baby Einstein DVDs, that watching them would help their kid get into Harvard, hence the company now offering refunds on said DVDs?
Have we really lost all our common sense?
I don't know. Perhaps we have.
Perhaps it's time to step back, take a good hard look at the experts, and lisen to our own opinions again. Yes, "The Biggest Loser" contestants lose 30 pounds in a week. But is working out 6 hours a day really feasible for you? Do you think that losing so much weight, so quickly, is really a good idea? Is that Ab Rocker that they sell on TV at 3 AM REALLY the answer to your fitness prayers? And remember that old adage, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is? Well, that still holds. Maybe more so now than ever. (Just ask anyone who took out a sub-prime housing loan a few years ago!)
Every once in a while I think about those young actors and where they are now. They're in their mid-30's. Are they still performing? Do they look back and think how naive they were, or are they nostalgic? Do they still count their wins? Or are they too caught up in the things they "should" be doing and in the competitiveness of it all that they can't see the good stuff? Can they see past the careers and the money (or lack thereof) and the accolades (or lack thereof) and all the external stuff? My guess, if they're still in L.A, is no.
So, once again, I find myslef thanking G-d, Fate, Nature, and anyone else who helped me open my eyes and get the heck outta there. Because, while I know it's not just in L.A. that we find all this crap, being there cerainly didn't help my state of mind. And my kids WILL MOT grow up there.
Which is DEFINITELY a win!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Well.
It's a good thing I don't blog for a living, 'cause I'd be broke right about now.
Yesterday was what I think of as our family's celebration of Halloween. Every year the kids' therapy group takes a trip to a really cool pumpkin patch in Half Moon Bay. There are A LOT of pumpkin patches in Half Moon Bay, which is a lovely fishing/farming town on the coast. But this particular patch is nice because it's a little bit off the beaten path, so it's not as crowded as the others. It's also bigger, and has a HUGE hay maze. Which we've never done, 'cause it takes at least 30 minutes to do, and my sense of direction is pretty rotten.
But they also have hay rides, pony rides, train rides, a (not-so) haunted house, and a play area with a bouncy house. AND, all the kids get free pumpkins.
So we dressed our kids up (LG as Spider Man, WG as a leopard) and went to the Patch.
And had a GREAT time!
LG loves his costume. He even wore he gloves and mask, which we didn't think he'd do. And he ran to the mirror and started posing; it was so cute! (We took the mask off so he could play. And, y'know, see.) And WG looked SO ADORABLE in hers! One of her therapists said "It's the perfect costume; you just want to pet her!!!"
Last year we couldn't get LG on the pony. This year he rode by himself, with a perfect seat and a HUGE smile on his face! And WG laughed and giggled the whole time we were there. No a single tear. (We have a photo of her, from the first trip 3 years ago, dressed as an elephant and sitting on a stack of pumpkins, crying. It's awfully cute but kinda sad, too.)
On actual Halloween night, we'll go to SIL's house for a potluck and to pass out candy to all the adorable munchkins who come by. LG will help pass out candy ( and hopefully refrain from stealing other kids' lollipops, like he did last year). WG will jump on the couch for a few hours.
I must say, I LOVE Halloween! Sure, I have some issues with it. Mainly the slutty costumes. I mean, OK, fine, if you're in college and you wanna dress like a slutty pirate, a slutty nurse, a slutty witch, whatever, FINE. Just don't get so drunk that you don't know who you are, where you are, or who you're with.
But does EVERY costume designed for a woman, or worse, a GIRL, have to be slutty? Not all of us want to let it all hang out. Most of us don't want our YOUNG DAUGHTERS to let it all hang out! And some of us would actually like to be WARM.
And that's all I'm gonna say on the subject, 'cause I can feel my blood pressure rising.
I'm just going to enjoy seeing all the kids in their CUTE costumes.
Then we'll start planning Thanksgiving!
Yesterday was what I think of as our family's celebration of Halloween. Every year the kids' therapy group takes a trip to a really cool pumpkin patch in Half Moon Bay. There are A LOT of pumpkin patches in Half Moon Bay, which is a lovely fishing/farming town on the coast. But this particular patch is nice because it's a little bit off the beaten path, so it's not as crowded as the others. It's also bigger, and has a HUGE hay maze. Which we've never done, 'cause it takes at least 30 minutes to do, and my sense of direction is pretty rotten.
But they also have hay rides, pony rides, train rides, a (not-so) haunted house, and a play area with a bouncy house. AND, all the kids get free pumpkins.
So we dressed our kids up (LG as Spider Man, WG as a leopard) and went to the Patch.
And had a GREAT time!
LG loves his costume. He even wore he gloves and mask, which we didn't think he'd do. And he ran to the mirror and started posing; it was so cute! (We took the mask off so he could play. And, y'know, see.) And WG looked SO ADORABLE in hers! One of her therapists said "It's the perfect costume; you just want to pet her!!!"
Last year we couldn't get LG on the pony. This year he rode by himself, with a perfect seat and a HUGE smile on his face! And WG laughed and giggled the whole time we were there. No a single tear. (We have a photo of her, from the first trip 3 years ago, dressed as an elephant and sitting on a stack of pumpkins, crying. It's awfully cute but kinda sad, too.)
On actual Halloween night, we'll go to SIL's house for a potluck and to pass out candy to all the adorable munchkins who come by. LG will help pass out candy ( and hopefully refrain from stealing other kids' lollipops, like he did last year). WG will jump on the couch for a few hours.
I must say, I LOVE Halloween! Sure, I have some issues with it. Mainly the slutty costumes. I mean, OK, fine, if you're in college and you wanna dress like a slutty pirate, a slutty nurse, a slutty witch, whatever, FINE. Just don't get so drunk that you don't know who you are, where you are, or who you're with.
But does EVERY costume designed for a woman, or worse, a GIRL, have to be slutty? Not all of us want to let it all hang out. Most of us don't want our YOUNG DAUGHTERS to let it all hang out! And some of us would actually like to be WARM.
And that's all I'm gonna say on the subject, 'cause I can feel my blood pressure rising.
I'm just going to enjoy seeing all the kids in their CUTE costumes.
Then we'll start planning Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Hooray! Hooray! It's National Love Your Body Day!!!!!
On Sunday I took a yoga class, then went swimming with my kids while hubby was at work. I managed to get 30 minutes of laps in. I then corralled the kids out of the pool (a Herculean effort, I must say), gave them baths, walked the dog, took them all out for a drive, fed them, brushed their teeth and (eventually) got them to bed.
Monday I took them to school, taught 2 Pilates classes back-to-back, cleaned the house, picked the kids up from school, calmed WG after she had (yet another) meltdown, made dinner, did the dishes, and went back to the gym to teach 2 more hours of Pilates. That night, I stayed up with WG as she continued her (so far) week-and-a-half-long tradition of waking up and shrieking for hours for no apparent reason. (She does this every so often. Usually a couple times a year. We have no idea why.)
Yesterday I felt a cold coming on. And I skipped my yoga class. WG was STILL melting down, so it's a good thing I was home. She continued her meltdown into the wee hours of the morning. Today I'm teaching 3 classes. Tonight Hubby and I will be wearing earplugs as we deal with the shrieking. (We've taken her to her doctor, talked to her teachers, therapists, to other parents with Autisic kids, no one has any answers. Eventually she will stop. And she'll be fine, until next time.)
Through all of this, my body has kept going. Oh sure, I'm exhausted, and a bit under the weather, but I'm still going. (Thank goodness for school! I can take a nap while the kids improve their minds!)
So it makes me wonder why I'm so down on this body of mine. OK, so I don't look like a model. Truthfully? I don't WANT to look like a model! They're so skinny it's scary! I find it REALLY unnatractive, and I feel so horribly sorry for these poor girls who are forced to starve themselves. Been there, done that, NO THANKS!!!
So, yeah, I'm pudgy. But I'm also STRONG. I can multitask like no one's business, my kids are thriving, and I'm healthy. Isn't THAT what's important?
Today, on this International Love Your Body Day, I will notice all the negative thoughts I have about this amazing body of mine. I will then stop the thought, and replace it with one or more positive ones. And I will continue to do so until he positives outnumber the negatives. It'll take a while, but that's OK.
So if you're reading this, take a moment to appreciate something about YOUR incredible body.
Happy Love Your Body Day!!!!!!
Monday I took them to school, taught 2 Pilates classes back-to-back, cleaned the house, picked the kids up from school, calmed WG after she had (yet another) meltdown, made dinner, did the dishes, and went back to the gym to teach 2 more hours of Pilates. That night, I stayed up with WG as she continued her (so far) week-and-a-half-long tradition of waking up and shrieking for hours for no apparent reason. (She does this every so often. Usually a couple times a year. We have no idea why.)
Yesterday I felt a cold coming on. And I skipped my yoga class. WG was STILL melting down, so it's a good thing I was home. She continued her meltdown into the wee hours of the morning. Today I'm teaching 3 classes. Tonight Hubby and I will be wearing earplugs as we deal with the shrieking. (We've taken her to her doctor, talked to her teachers, therapists, to other parents with Autisic kids, no one has any answers. Eventually she will stop. And she'll be fine, until next time.)
Through all of this, my body has kept going. Oh sure, I'm exhausted, and a bit under the weather, but I'm still going. (Thank goodness for school! I can take a nap while the kids improve their minds!)
So it makes me wonder why I'm so down on this body of mine. OK, so I don't look like a model. Truthfully? I don't WANT to look like a model! They're so skinny it's scary! I find it REALLY unnatractive, and I feel so horribly sorry for these poor girls who are forced to starve themselves. Been there, done that, NO THANKS!!!
So, yeah, I'm pudgy. But I'm also STRONG. I can multitask like no one's business, my kids are thriving, and I'm healthy. Isn't THAT what's important?
Today, on this International Love Your Body Day, I will notice all the negative thoughts I have about this amazing body of mine. I will then stop the thought, and replace it with one or more positive ones. And I will continue to do so until he positives outnumber the negatives. It'll take a while, but that's OK.
So if you're reading this, take a moment to appreciate something about YOUR incredible body.
Happy Love Your Body Day!!!!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Need Vs. Want
I want to lose weight. Do I NEED to? I honestly don't know. My doctor hasn't said anything to me about it.
I want chocolate. Do I NEED it? Probably not; at least, not for survival. (For quality of life, maybe.)
What I REALLY need is to make peace. With food and my body. I REALLY don't want to turn to food anymore out of boredom, sadness, anxiety, etc.
So last month I signed up for an online program out of the U.K. called "Beyond Chocolate." I's ideas are very similar to Intuitive Eating, but this is an actual, step-by-step program. Every week I get a new "assignment." (I'm about 4 weeks behind, but that's OK. I go at my own pace.) It's something concrete, and I can feel myself making progress.
Every once in a while I get derailed by Diet Think. You know, pre-planning my meals, swearing to have flax/blueberry/spinach smoothies every morning, vowing to eat clean/raw/low-fat/vegan, etc., all for the sole purpose of losing weight.
But here's the thing; I've lost weight before. Many, MANY times. And I ALWAYS gain it back. And there's the definintion of insanity right there. So what's different now? What will I change this time around? WHY do I want to lose weight?
In he past it has been for reasons outside of myself: people will like me more if I'm thin; I need to be skinny in order to get an acting job; others are starting to comment on my weight, so I'd beter do something about it.
No wonder I never STAYED thin!
This time, it's not about pounds lost, the number on the scale, or employment. (In fact, I just got a new class and have added a bunch of clients to my existing classes. Yay!) This time, it's not even primarily about losing weight. It's about getting mentally healthy. I'm tired of thinking about food and weight ALL THE TIME!
When I first started Inuitive Eating, I kept wanting to skip to the end: the part where I would no longer worry about food, eat when I was hungry, stop when I was satisfied, and exercise for health and enjoyment. The problem was, I HAD to focus on food, so I could stop eating mindlessly, and I kinda skipped that part. So here I am, starting (almost) at square one. But I can feel myself changing. I can feel my atitude becoming different. I am learning to accept myself AS I AM, RIGHT NOW, and worrying less about how I look. (OK, except maybe during that time of the month {NOW!} when I'm bloated and my face looks like a constellation. But that's a WHOLE different post!)
Last night, for the first time in about 4 years, I was excited about cooking dinner. I made a brand-new recipe for Hubby and myself, and made the kids one of their favorite meals. I ate enough to satisfy myself, and even had enough energy left to do the dishes and give the kids their baths! When Hubby got home from school, he warmed up the food and told me he felt like he was eating at a restaurant. I was so excited that I actually prepared food, last night, for tonight! It's marinating as we speak. (And this morning, HUBBY MADE ME BREAKFAST!!!!!!! He said I'd inspired him, so he cooked us some eggs.)
The best part, for me, is that I was inspired by a non-diety cookbook. Don't get me wrong, I love me a good recipe from "Eating Well" or "Cooking Light," but sometimes it's nice to use ingredients that don't say "substitute" or "fat-free" on the label. For last night's fish, I made a lemon vinaigrette from scratch. It took about 3 minutes and was delicious. And all the ingredients, except for the olive oil, came from the produce section. Of Trader Joe's. Which I adore with a burning, abiding passion.(BTW, in case you're wondering, the cook book was "Giada's Family Dinner," by Giada DeLaurentis. It's WONDERFUL!!!!!)
So, if I can get to a place where I genuinely love cooking and eating (the cleaning part? Yeah, not so much), make good food that we all enjoy, and exercise because I want to and not because I HAVE to, then I'll be in a MUCH healthier place. All around.
Now, if I could only organize all the clutter around here...
I want chocolate. Do I NEED it? Probably not; at least, not for survival. (For quality of life, maybe.)
What I REALLY need is to make peace. With food and my body. I REALLY don't want to turn to food anymore out of boredom, sadness, anxiety, etc.
So last month I signed up for an online program out of the U.K. called "Beyond Chocolate." I's ideas are very similar to Intuitive Eating, but this is an actual, step-by-step program. Every week I get a new "assignment." (I'm about 4 weeks behind, but that's OK. I go at my own pace.) It's something concrete, and I can feel myself making progress.
Every once in a while I get derailed by Diet Think. You know, pre-planning my meals, swearing to have flax/blueberry/spinach smoothies every morning, vowing to eat clean/raw/low-fat/vegan, etc., all for the sole purpose of losing weight.
But here's the thing; I've lost weight before. Many, MANY times. And I ALWAYS gain it back. And there's the definintion of insanity right there. So what's different now? What will I change this time around? WHY do I want to lose weight?
In he past it has been for reasons outside of myself: people will like me more if I'm thin; I need to be skinny in order to get an acting job; others are starting to comment on my weight, so I'd beter do something about it.
No wonder I never STAYED thin!
This time, it's not about pounds lost, the number on the scale, or employment. (In fact, I just got a new class and have added a bunch of clients to my existing classes. Yay!) This time, it's not even primarily about losing weight. It's about getting mentally healthy. I'm tired of thinking about food and weight ALL THE TIME!
When I first started Inuitive Eating, I kept wanting to skip to the end: the part where I would no longer worry about food, eat when I was hungry, stop when I was satisfied, and exercise for health and enjoyment. The problem was, I HAD to focus on food, so I could stop eating mindlessly, and I kinda skipped that part. So here I am, starting (almost) at square one. But I can feel myself changing. I can feel my atitude becoming different. I am learning to accept myself AS I AM, RIGHT NOW, and worrying less about how I look. (OK, except maybe during that time of the month {NOW!} when I'm bloated and my face looks like a constellation. But that's a WHOLE different post!)
Last night, for the first time in about 4 years, I was excited about cooking dinner. I made a brand-new recipe for Hubby and myself, and made the kids one of their favorite meals. I ate enough to satisfy myself, and even had enough energy left to do the dishes and give the kids their baths! When Hubby got home from school, he warmed up the food and told me he felt like he was eating at a restaurant. I was so excited that I actually prepared food, last night, for tonight! It's marinating as we speak. (And this morning, HUBBY MADE ME BREAKFAST!!!!!!! He said I'd inspired him, so he cooked us some eggs.)
The best part, for me, is that I was inspired by a non-diety cookbook. Don't get me wrong, I love me a good recipe from "Eating Well" or "Cooking Light," but sometimes it's nice to use ingredients that don't say "substitute" or "fat-free" on the label. For last night's fish, I made a lemon vinaigrette from scratch. It took about 3 minutes and was delicious. And all the ingredients, except for the olive oil, came from the produce section. Of Trader Joe's. Which I adore with a burning, abiding passion.(BTW, in case you're wondering, the cook book was "Giada's Family Dinner," by Giada DeLaurentis. It's WONDERFUL!!!!!)
So, if I can get to a place where I genuinely love cooking and eating (the cleaning part? Yeah, not so much), make good food that we all enjoy, and exercise because I want to and not because I HAVE to, then I'll be in a MUCH healthier place. All around.
Now, if I could only organize all the clutter around here...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Need...SLEEP!!!!!
She's at it again. WG is waking up at 3:15 in the morning and partying like a rock star. She cries at first, because she's lonely. So I go in and cuddle, and then she wants to play. And she's so darn cute I just have to! So this morning we stayed up from 3:15 until about 5:30. Then we both fell asleep on her bed and Hubby had to wake us at 7.
Luckily I didn't have to work today, and I thought I'd take a little nap. So I fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at...2:00!!!!!!!! I slept the ENTIRE school day away!
I've noticed, since I first became a mom 8 YEARS AGO, that I'm pretty much exhausted all he time. Last year I even went and had my thyroid checked, just to make sure it was working (it is).
So I blame my kids.
Actually, I just attribute it to being a mom. I think it comes with the territory. I've always been one of those people who need AT LEAST 8-10 hours of sleep a night, and with kids, especially very energetic, special needs kids who have sleeping issues, that just ain't gonna happen, lol!
Now, Hubby is the exact opposite; he can get 4 hours of sleep, wake up, and hit the ground running. And LG could sleep through a nuclear war. But WG and I are light sleepers, and we sometimes have trouble sleeping. My poor girl was in the middle of her therapy session this afternoon when she started bawling; she was exhausted, she'd put in a full day at school, and she'd had enough.
Tonight, after a good meal and a nice warm bath, she went to sleep at 9. I'm hoping she'll sleep tonight and get back on track with her schedule. (And I can teach my 3 classes without falling over.)
But I'm guessing it'll be a few years before I'm able to get my 9 hours a night again!
Luckily I didn't have to work today, and I thought I'd take a little nap. So I fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at...2:00!!!!!!!! I slept the ENTIRE school day away!
I've noticed, since I first became a mom 8 YEARS AGO, that I'm pretty much exhausted all he time. Last year I even went and had my thyroid checked, just to make sure it was working (it is).
So I blame my kids.
Actually, I just attribute it to being a mom. I think it comes with the territory. I've always been one of those people who need AT LEAST 8-10 hours of sleep a night, and with kids, especially very energetic, special needs kids who have sleeping issues, that just ain't gonna happen, lol!
Now, Hubby is the exact opposite; he can get 4 hours of sleep, wake up, and hit the ground running. And LG could sleep through a nuclear war. But WG and I are light sleepers, and we sometimes have trouble sleeping. My poor girl was in the middle of her therapy session this afternoon when she started bawling; she was exhausted, she'd put in a full day at school, and she'd had enough.
Tonight, after a good meal and a nice warm bath, she went to sleep at 9. I'm hoping she'll sleep tonight and get back on track with her schedule. (And I can teach my 3 classes without falling over.)
But I'm guessing it'll be a few years before I'm able to get my 9 hours a night again!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
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