Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Mourning After

Last night I was terrified.  This morning I'm in a bit of shock, I suppose.

This post is going to get VERY personal, and may be a bit long, and you may disagree with everything I write.  That;s OK.  I need to get it all down, and work through everything.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have a strong, deep, belief in and a very personal relationship with G-d.  However, that relationship has also been a bit...troublesome.  Because I have always feared Him/Her more than I have loved Him. I'm just going to go with Him for the time being, even though I believe S/He transcends something as vague as gender.  But also because my relationship with Him echoes the relationship I had with my father when he was alive.
As a kid I loved my dad, but I also feared him.  He had a quick temper, strong opinions, and a loud, booming voice. I was afraid of his anger, which seemed huge.  And there was never any predicting it.  What was fine one moment may have sent him flying off the handle the next.
He may sound awful, but he wasn't.  He was also a loving father, the first stay-at-home dad in our town (he worked mainly at home when my brother and I were young).  He was deeply empathetic, and very, very scared.  We were, ARE, a lot alike.  And because of that we butted heads often, almost right until the end.
My dad believed strongly in social justice and equality.  His journalism career was dedicated to it.  He was often a huge softie, especially when he watched me in a show or my brother compete, or when our old dog was finally too sick to stay alive.
And he had a bellowing laugh, and a terrific sense of humor.
And awful, horrible handwriting!
He's the one who was there when, at age 13, I came home from school with horrible cramps having had my first period.  He went to the drugstore to get me what I needed, and came home with about 3 bags stuffed to the gills with every type of feminine hygiene product available, since he didn't know what I'd need, and this was before cell phones.

I talk to my dad a lot these days. In his last couple of months, I came to truly "get" him.  He couldn't speak, but I understood what he wanted and needed.  And I also understood on a deep level.  Because we ARE so very alike.
I ask him for guidance, and for help. I apologize to him for being so emotionally and financially dependent on my mom (she helps us out A LOT!).

Last night I got very angry at G-d.  I've been literally praying on my knees for a certain outcome to this election, mainly for the sake of my kids.  And when it turned out differently, I lashed out.  I swore at Him, even in my terror of doing so.

And later, I apologized and asked for forgiveness.  Partly because I was sorry, but mostly because I was scared.  Of His punishment.  Because I was afraid of what He might do to my kids or my husband, as said punishment.
And that made me horribly sad.  Because I finally realize that my fear is greater than my love in EVERY aspect of my life.

But I also felt something in the early hours.  I'd awoken at about 1 AM, after a couple of hours of sleep.  And thought about all my fear.  I talked to G-d for a bit, and I felt a sense of calm come over me, along with another realization: My purpose in this life is LOVE.  Not fame, not to be a renowned actor, not even to be a beloved teacher (although I wouldn't mind that, lol!).  I never really wanted fame, but I've always wanted approval.
Now what I want is to be with my family. Whatever happens.  (And, yes, that includes the dog.  She and I have a special bond, and I cannot leave her.)

I want to be a giver of light.  To have not just empathy, which I don't lack, but compassion, which I sometimes do.  I want to live quietly and peacefully, and give love and help to those who need it.

I refuse to give in to despair.  I want to have hope.

I want to love more than I fear.

I've mentioned my guardian angels before.  My many, overworked, under-appreciated angels.  I am going to appreciate them more, even as I may need to rely on them more than ever.

I have heard people say "The Universe on on your side," but I never really believed it.  Now, in this moment, I do.  And I will strive to keep the faith.
And the gratitude.

This morning, I am so very grateful.  For my family.  For this calm.  For all the love in my life.

To quote Tiny Tim, G-d bless us, every one.


Geosomin said...

Yeah...I went through a lot of revising what I believed when I was sick. I was raised religious and didn't discard it, but I certainly can say that the fact that a lot of people telling me being sick was in God's plan for me and that it was all happening for a reason made me very angry. I decided that if I were to believe it would not be out of fear, or even fear of dying, but because it seemed right. I still don't know where I stand, but I do know that I no longer feel obligated to live my life controlled by guilt. It's a work in progress I suppose you could say. I'm learning to love myself and trying to find out where that puts me in that whole realm of things. I think it's important to look at this sort of thing and work it out for yourself ans see what works for you. We've got a big old life ahead of us and there is no reason to be scared or afraid. :)

azusmom said...

THANK YOU for this comment!!!!!!!!!!!!