When you have a baby, you pretty much say goodbye to sleep.
When you have a baby and a toddler, you get used to being in what amounts to a walking semi-coma, where the only things that register are: Is the baby awake or asleep?  Crying? Hungry?  Wet?
Is the toddler drawing on the walls? Climbing something?  Doing ANYTHING that could possibly result in injury, the him/herself or anyone else?
Coffee?  Do I have coffee available?

Then they get older.  They start going to school for a few hours a day and, miraculously, you have those few hours to yourself!  (Maybe.)  You hardly know what to do with yourself. You take walks, pull your old bike out of the garage, sign up for yoga, or, if you don't have one already, you might even Get A Job!  Like an actual grown up!

And sometimes you have to give that job up.  Because your kids have special needs, and they need YOU.  Because you're lucky enough to be in a position where you don't HAVE to work.  Because your husband works one full-time job and other, seasonal, part-time jobs in order to enable you to be home with the kids.
And time goes by, and you start to feel isolated again, the way you did when the kids were VERY young and your husband was frequently out of town for work. When none of your friends had kids yet, and just couldn't relate. When you didn't have a sitter, and those friends stopped bothering to even ask you to go out with them because you couldn't, anyway.  When the only adult you spoke to for days on end was the barista at the coffee bar in the grocery store.  When parents of other young kids shunned you because your kids were "weird", and they maybe thought their precious bundles would "catch" your kids' autism.

Now, though, you are lucky enough to have a bit of a community.  Your kids are in schools with not only others who are like them, but also neurotypical kids and adults who Get It.  And who LOVE your children!  What a huge blessing!

And then, along comes school vacation.  Necessary and needed, but flippin' exhausting! You remember why you were so tired all the time before they started school.  Except now it's worse. Because you are older.  And there is a BIG difference between what you can handle at 36 and what you can handle at (nearly) 46.  It's also a lot easier to maneuver and soothe a crying, melting-down, overly-stimulated toddler than it is a crying, melting-down, overly-stimulated teen or pre-teen.  Your children are getting bigger and stronger while you are either staying the same or weakening.  Despite your best efforts.
You work out 6 days a week, you lift weights, walk, cycle, do yoga, try to sleep 8 hours a night, everything and anything to retain strength, endurance, and flexibility. Because you desperately need all 3.  You meditate, because you need patience and some semblance of sanity.

But you're also entering perimenopause, which means your hormones are going into maniacal overdrive.

On top of it all is the Guilt. Partly because you are an Irish Jew, but mostly because you ADORE your kids!  You know how amazing, brilliant, funny, kind, and loving they are, and you wouldn't trade your life for anything.
But you are also so drained, mentally, physically, and spiritually, that you find yourself losing patience, grieving for the life you USED to have, the life you COULD HAVE had, and all the dreams you had to let go of, and all of the "What-ifs?"

Truthfully, none of that (aside from the patience) is as good as you remember/imagine it being.  But you realize you have to create some kind of balance. Something for YOU.  Something that is yours and yours alone.

And you realize that it's OK, once in a while, to NOT take the kids to the pool, or the park, or even just for a drive. To hang out at home and chill.
That, sometimes, they need it just as much as you do.

And, if you're really lucky, you just might be able to catch a catnap.

Oh, Sigh!

OK, this is my blog, and I'm just gona verbally vomit all this stuff out.
Prepare for a somewhat stream-of-consciousness-type post.

I'm using Hubby's computer, rather than my beloved Chromebook.  Because WG has been sick since Friday, and she vomited all over said Chromebook, thus killing it.  Hubby's computer is a Dell.  I don't like Dell computers, as a rule, but this one seems OK.
So far.
I'm watching it.
Veeeeeeeeery closely!

To reiterate: WG has been sick since Friday.  High fever for a couple of days, horrible congestion, no energy, low appetite.  Needless to say, she hasn't been going to school.  But she ALSO had to miss Ride A Wave this past Sunday.  Which, for her, is like missing Christmas. She tends to feel better after a bath, so she's had baths every day.  But then she backslides again.  If she's not doing better soon, we're going to the pediatrician.  I'm trying not to worry, but, please, have I MET me?!?!  Worry is what I DO!

LG was a bit sick and missed a day of school last week.  But he's been coughing and sneezing, and I'm praying that it's his allergies.

And Hubby was sick for a day last week, as well.

So I've pretty much had it with these freakin' viruses. LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE, YOU LITTLE A**HATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LG will be graduating from middle school on Thursday.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It feels like I JUSTdropped him off at his first day of 6th grade, and cried all the way home (yes, I was Crazy Crying Lady walking home from the school).  And now he's getting ready for HIGH SCHOOL?!?!?!?!?!?!

I recently discovered that there may be a possibility for some much-needed financial help for the kids, which would allow us to hire physical help for the kids, which would allow me to pursue some acting-type jobs.
And to, y'know, get out of the house now and again.  Maybe even with Hubby. Like, a date!

Buddhism, which I'm only slightly versed in, tells us to let go of the things that are not for us.
This is A LOT harder than it sounds!

My father-in-law just walked by wearing suspenders.  It's flippin' adorable!

My weight hasn't been this low in over a decade. Must be a combination of Weight Watchers, my new Fit Bit, and taking care of all the sickies.
Oh, and the worry.  Always that!

I've been taking the dog out for walks in the evenings.  It's good for his joints, good for his health (and mine), and he's so cute; He prances around in his harness! Even people who are scared of pit bulls smile at him, because he's just so happy and adorable!

The BBC4 Extra radio app is a beautiful thing.
(Especially on Saturday mornings at 10 AM PST, when you can hear their broadcast of Big Finish Doctor Who audio episodes.)

OK, it's now nighttime, and we've recently returned from taking WG to the doctor (they took us at 5:00, which was awfully nice of them).  Let's just say it was...eventful. And I have bite marks in my thigh.  Which is a first.
The good news is, she doesn't have an infection. And beating up a pediatrician (and a nurse, and her own parents) seems to have worked wonders!  She's much peppier, and is eating! So, maybe, she might be able to go back to school in a day or two...

OK.  I gotta go to bed.
Doctor's appointments are exhasting!

After reading Geosomin's blog post this morning (I am woman, hear me run."  Go check it out.
No, really, go.  I'll wait...), I realize that I'm STILL spending the majority of my time existing, worrying, passing time, and not really LIVING.
Granted, I'm meeting a friend for coffee later this week.  And Hubby and I went to a Filipino arts festival in the city, where he did a staged reading.  But I spend most of my time taking care of people and things, and feeling like I'm living in a petri dish, being observed under a microscope and judged wanting.  (For example, apparently, as I found out yesterday, my shower time is being monitored.  Which is fairly creepy.)
And because we don't have our own place, I don't feel free to do things like invite people over without clearing it first.
When I get PMS-y, I start lamenting the state of my life. No career, no job (that pays, anyway, I certainly work), no money I've earned myself, no home of our own, and crushing student debt.  Few friends in the area.
So I spend A LOT of time online, which is not good for me. Or anyone, really.  Because most of the other people who spend the majority of their time online are, quite frankly, a little scary.  And I DO NOT want to turn into that!

I've spent the past couple of years stepping out of my now too-tight cocoon.  Baby steps.  It may be time to (har har) step it up.  Take giant leaps.

And also to not worry so much about other peoples' POV.  Simply remember that they are entitled to their opinions, and that those opinions need not have anything to do with me and mine.  And, that my beliefs and opinions are just as valid as anyone else's, and I don't have to justify them.

Just need to remember that.

And to NOT get caught up in arguments of Facebook.  :)

OK.  Gonna go walk the pooch.  And use my brand new Fitbit!

Have a good one!