Despair

Back in 1991, when I was a newly-minted college graduate (I know, I'm old, shut up), I went to the U.K for the summer to rehearse and perform a show at the Edinburgh International Fringe Festival. It's a 3-week long arts festival, held every August, and it's AWESOME!!!! If you've never been, book your tickets now. I saw some of the best stuff EVER during the week I spent there, including Alan Rickman in a play called "Tango at the End of Winter," about a retired Shakespearean actor who goes nuts, thinking he's the characters he'd played onstage. Great, great great!
Anyway, we rehearsed the show in Oxford, in a studio overlooking beautiful farmland, with an audience of sheep. And we took buses to Stratford and London to see lots of shows, one of which was "Richard III" at the National Theatre, starring Ian McKellen (who later made a film of it, kinda based on the stage production. Except the stage production didn't have a naked Robert Downy Jr. in it, unfortunately.) If you don't know the play (or have blocked it out, thanks to the INCREDIBLY BORING way it's taught in high school), it ends with Dicky's death on the battlefield, after he's killed his way to the throne. Many of the people he's killed (including his first wife) come back to haunt him, telling him to "Despair and die!" In this production, every time someone said that, there was a creepy, echoing whisper saying "Despair!" It was very cool!
But the reason I bring it up is because, well, every once in a while, particularly during this time of the month (oh yes, it's THAT time of the month!), I hear that echo in my head. This time it's because of work woes. See, when I quit acting, I hoped I'd left some of my work-related insecurities behind. But, alas, no. They're still there.
See, I've lost 9 clients. NINE!!!!!! My entire Monday night class, who are all friends, have decided not to come back. My former-Israeli military dude dropped out very abruptly. My favorite, been-with-me-since-my-first-ever-class has joined a DIFFERENT class (that one REALLY hurts!), my favorite mom client is out, and one of my staffers has declined to re-enlist. I DO have 2 brand-new clients. whom I haven't met yet, and I'm hoping for a third. I've also noticed that other former clients have joined other classes. And my numbers in mat class have been way down.
All of which, of course, makes me wonder: Do I just SUCK?!?!?! Is it me? Are my Monday night ladies just being polite when they say the class is too expensive? (A month of reformer classes cost $100, in addition to the gym fees, so it ain't cheap.)
I try to tell myself that there are certainly other factors; the economy and many New Year's resolutions to save money, the fact that some clients moved from my Friday class to a Saturday class, which might be easier on their schedule, and the holidays. (I haven't had my mat class in the new year yet, so we'll see how my numbers are tonight.)
But my basic insecurities, along with my hormones, are not buying any of it. They're telling me that, yes, I suck. I'm kidding myself. Who wants to take a fitness class with a fat instructor? Why SHOULD they take my class, when all the other teachers are SO MUCH better than I am? And waaaaaay thinner!
Add to that the fact that Hubby isn't teaching this semester (he taught playwrighting to kids last fall), and I'm seriously worried about our financial situation. I keep having these nightmare visions of having to sell our townhouse and move in with my in-laws, who live in a different school district, which will refuse to pay for our kids' services and they'll end up in bad classrooms, not getting the help they need, and I'll get so mad that I'll trash the superintendent's office with Hubby's baseball bat and go to prison, forcing my kids to grow up without a mother!!!!! They'll have to visit me in Folsom prison on alternate Sundays, growing up ashamed of me, only we won't have any money for therapy, and they'll turn to a life of crime!!!!!! All because I COULDN'T HOLD ON TO MY PILATES CLIENTS!
(And orange is SO not my color!)

Whew!
That's a whole lotta guilt, even for me!

But I feel better, having written it down. 'Cause, seeing it, it looks kinda silly. I still have 4 classes a week. I still sub a lot. I'm still working on getting my yoga certification. And I start my voiceover classes this Sunday. We have money in our savings account. Hubby is looking for work as an EMT.
We'll be OK. We always have been.
And I WILL lose this damn weight!!!! Dammit!!!!
OK. I'm done. Good. I'm good. I'm gonna go curl up in bed and read about demon slayers.

Have a good day!