I Have Come to a Momentous Decision!

OK, not really MOMENTOUS...
But I have finally decided what to do about my Equity (stage union) status.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.
Zilch.

I spent YEARS working towards my union membership, and was a very proud member for a number of years.  Then the kids came along, followed by the autism diagnoses and full-on burnout, and, well, you probably know the rest.  2 staged readings in the past 13 years is all I've done onstage.

I've decided it is definitely time to get back into the game, and that I am ready.
But on my own terms, this time.
As a non-professional.
For the time being, anyway.

The truth is, I'm not entirely sure what, exactly, my Equity status IS.  I haven't paid my dues in years.  I think it's similar to my friend's situation; she also stopped paying for a while, but was able to get back into the union by paying her past dues.

But I'm not going to.  At least, not yet.  I'm going to, in a way, start at the bottom.  Not quite from the beginning (which, in my case, was at the age of 9 doing kids' theater), but close to it.  Build my confidence (and my resume) back up.  And, for the first time since my teens, NOT worry about the professional side of things.  I just want to have fun and do what I love, what I'm good at.  And not always be worried about when the next job will come along.

It may be that Equity will come calling and say, hey, this isn't kosher; technically you're still in the union and you cannot do non-union work.  In which case, cool!
If not, I will continue on.

Who knows what may happen in the future?  Perhaps I will, once again, turn pro.  Maybe, just maybe, I can start working again in the regional theaters and get paid well.
Or not.
I just want to perform.

I'm working on letting go of how I WANT things to be and accepting them for what they ARE.  This includes myself. I'm not a Hollywood leading lady, or a Broadway star.  I will never be the Doctor's companion.  Or Sherlock's pal or nemesis.  I'm no Judy Dench, Helen Mirren, or Maggie Smith.

I'm not even a working actor.  And I haven't been for quite some time.

I will probably never meet my heroes.  (This one stings the most, but what can I do?)  Meaning I will certainly not get to work with them.

I have to stop waiting for impossible things to happen, and start making other, possible, things happen.

And mourn the loss of the things I cannot have.

Because maybe, just maybe, there will be even better things to come.