Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hell Week

That's what we used to call tech week, back when I was acting.  Tech week is the week just before performances of a play start; it's when all the technical stuff gets put into the show, like lights, sound effects, etc.  We have to go through every single cue, usually multiple times, so the stage manager can tell the crew when to do what during the performance. Also, the designers need to make sure that everything is as it should be, and to the directors' approval, as well as safe for the performers.  It is a long, complicated, tedious process, and everyone hates it.  The days are long (including 1 or 2 "10 out of 12's" in which there is a 12-hour day and the actors work at least 10 of those hours.  This is the week when, invariably, everyone gets sick.  Between working long hours, a usually chilly theater, nerves,  and lack of sleep, someone will get sick and then spread it to everyone else.  Just in time for previews (the performances before the official opening, when there are still rehearsals during the day for last-minute tweaks) and opening night.

This week is tech week for our show at the synagogue.  Granted, it's only 3 days, and 2 hours at a time, but it feels a whole lot longer! We had our first tech rehearsal (such as it is; it's basically lights on/off, curtain open/shut) yesterday, and it felt a bit like pulling teeth.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is not only NOT a professional show, it is actually a Judaica class with some acting thrown in.  We'll have had a grand total of 10 hours of rehearsal by the time the kids perform this weekend.  It is a show for family and friends, and NO ONE expects perfection!
The entire point of the whole thing is that it's a Hebrew studies class for kids who cannot focus during a regular, sit-down Hebrew studies class. These are kids who are considered somewhat special needs.  Not really on the Autism spectrum or anything like that, but more behavioral issues. They are fun, energetic, and adorable, and sometimes they drive us right out of our minds!

But aside from that, there is the fact that both of my kids have been sick.  LG missed school all of last week, and he's NEVER been sick that long!  He still has a cough, and was tantruming and crying in school yesterday.  Exhibiting behaviors he has never exhibited before!  If he does it again, we're going to have to take some serious action, because a couple of the things he did are not acceptable, at all, ever. (Although he did try to make up for them, in his way.)
WG has missed school all this week, so far.  I think (hope!) she might be able to go back tomorrow.  She's been sleeping a lot and really taking care of herself, and I am SO PROUD of her!  Because before, she would cry and cling to us.  She's becoming more independent and more aware of her body, and it's amazing to watch!
I am PMS-ing (of course!) and not sleeping.  I'm also trying REALLY HARD to stay healthy, even if only through the weekend!  But I'm also having quite a bit of anxiety; Hubby had a staged reading the other night (along with the rehearsals that went along with it), and is coming up on finals, so he hasn't been home as much.  I have 2 job interviews coming up, and, of course, have been taking care of my poor, sick little ones.  There was a mini-crisis at work, which had to be dealt with on my only day off this week, and then there are my regular Pilates classes.  It's all a bit overwhelming, to say the least.

Part of me doesn't want to take on these 2 new jobs if they're offered to me.  It's quite a bit of work, as well as driving, and I need to find someone who can pick my son up from school and get my daughter off the bus 1 or 2 days a week, as my in-laws are going out of town for a while.  But we need the money, especially since I just lost my best-paying Pilates class.
It's just that I'm already so scattered, and spread so thin!  It feels like I spend half my life in my car, and I REALLY don't want to spend TOO much time away from my kids!
But we need the money.
And I'm starting to feel resentful.
Because, as I've mentioned (about a billion times) before, I have no life.  I work, I take care of my family and our home.  And that is it.  I'm already exhausted, and I feel like I'm juggling about 100 balls as it is.  Because there are weekly therapy sessions for the kids (Floortime), meetings at the schools, supplemental Floortime at home (with Hubby and I and the kids), my 4 part-time jobs, and all the myriad things that go along with just getting through the day.
The fact is, these 2 extra jobs would require quite a bit of travel, A LOT of prep work at home, and would bring in an extra $100/week.  Granted, every little bit helps, but I also have to wonder how much I'll spend on gas and babysitters.  It may end up being that taking these jobs will cost more than I will be earning.
And THAT just isn't worth it!

I'm at the point, tonight, where I had to take an Atavan.  It's an anti-anxiety pill that my doctor prescribed for me at the beginning of the year, when I was weaning off the anti-depressants.  He prescribed them to me just in case I started having withdrawal symptoms.  I used them a couple of times, and that was it.  But I have been lying awake and anxious for the past few nights, and figured I may as well take advantage of these little white pills.
Just one. Just for tonight.
And then we'll take it from there.

It's doing it's job: I feel MUCH calmer (of course, writing this all down helped with that!), and quite drowsy.  Time to try and sleep again.  Good night!


Geosomin said...

I hope you can get some more sleep. I know when I get overtired things seem far more stressful. I don't know what to tell you about the accepting more busy thing. I'm winding down from a semester of the most insanity I've ever had. I made it through, but it's tough. I don't have kids yet so I can't say how that would blend in to it all.
It's tough doing what you have to...but sometimes you do for as long as you have to. Perhaps in a few months you'll be able to let one of them go? The holiday season will give you a chance to rest up a bit...Either way - make sure you look after youself. I vowed that no matter what, I got some time for me (mostly a workout) and it really helped.
You're important too :)

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