Biting the Bullet, and Laughing

I can't stay up to watch "Saturday Night Live" when it airs, but thankfully we now have YouTube.
Back in the olden days, the court jester was the only person who could tell the truth without getting his head (literally) knocked off.  Usually.  And now we have shows like SNL and The Daily Show and Samantha Bee, among others.

If you haven't seen Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer, go watch.  Now.  It's OK, I'll wait...

...See, I don't think it matters where your political leanings lay (lie?), that's funny stuff!  Of course, you may disagree.  And that's your prerogative.
At least for the time being...

It's also a great stress reliever.  Laughter IS the best medicine, after all.


And, in other parts of Life, I have an audition this Saturday.  Nothing earth-shattering, but it's for a Shakespeare-inspired production at a small theater in Silicon Valley.  The theater is actually right next to the Pilates studio where I did most of my teacher training.  :)
I'm not expecting to get the job as I have a feeling they're looking mainly for 20-something actors.  But I haven't auditioned in nearly 13 years, and it'll be good to get, as they say, back in the saddle again.  And it's Shakespeare, so it's right up my alley.
Plus, as I write this, "Henry V" is on television.  Which I'm taking as a good sign.

So. That's all the news for now.  It's been raining like crazy , so I'm going to go dry off.

See ya!

Ways To (Hopefully) Curb Anxiety

I went to the Women's March in San Francisco.  Apparently, by some estimates, there were 100,000 of us there.  It was heartening, to say the least.
It felt good to be taking action.  I'm now looking for places to volunteer, to counteract the horror show that is the current political climate.

Because if I don't, I might just explode.  My weight is up a few pounds, and my skin keeps breaking out.  It's like having Permanent Menstrual Syndrome. And I desperately need more sleep.

But there are other things I can do NOW to counteract the tension.  Tapping (EFT), sitting quietly/meditating, yoga, and walking.  And dance parties!  I always forget how good it feels just to turn on some good tunes and move around.  Especially when my kids join in: They don't care that I dance like an overly-caffeinated flamingo (lots of arm-flapping and kicking).

And, of course, having a nice warm puppy to snuggle with helps a lot.

I mustn't forget that this Sunday is the Superbowl.  Which, to me, means one thing: PUPPY BOWL ON ANIMAL PLANET!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, sure, the Patriots are playing, and my brother is working high-level security, but...well...I've just never been a football fan.  I'll watch the halftime show.  That totally counts, right?

I finally got my car fixed.  I'd been rear-ended back in October. The other driver was completely cool about it, and his insurance is covering all the repairs.  So far, at least.  ;)  I dropped the car off on Monday and picked it up this morning.  So I've been taking advantage of our fantastic public transpo, and also walking A LOT.  As I mentioned above, walking is a great stress-reducer for me.  And it's also the best way to keep my weight down.  Don't get me wrong, I love my free weights and Spin bike and Pilates and yoga and barre, but for weight management, walking just works for me.

I also went to a different Weight Watchers meeting this week.  Since I didn't have my car, I skipped Tuesday and went today, instead.  In order to keep my free Lifetime membership, I have to weigh in at my first meeting of the month.  So I stepped on the scale, even though I'm up 5 POUNDS since last week!  (I figure it's mostly a combination of hormones and stress).  And the leader was REALLY great about it.  She reminded me not to freak out over the number on the scale, and to take care of myself from the inside.

Today I got 20,000 + steps on my Fitbit.  Between the walk from Caltrain to the body shop (dodging incoming high school students all the way), walking the dog, and a nice walk after dinner, I got plenty of hoofing time.

And I AM feeling calmer.
Finally!

During my walk tonight I listened to the interview Peter Capaldi gave to the BBC on Monday night, in which he revealed that this coming season will be his last on "Doctor Who."  He started to get very emotional, and I have to say that I was right there with him.  He's brilliant, and I'm going to miss him on the show.  But It'll be exciting to see what he does next.

OK.  Bedtime.  Nighty-night!

One advantage of living in someone else's house is that when something goes wrong, like, say, the water heater breaking, it's not entirely up to YOU to take care of it.  We went 3 days without hot water.  I don't know about you (and perhaps this is TMI, in which case I apologize), but if I go more than a day without bathing, things get pretty ripe.  So on the second night, in desperation, I texted my sister-in-law and begged her to let me come over and use her shower.  Happily, she agreed.
We're also able to bathe the kids again.  Thank goodness! Because if I though I was bad, not bathing 2 adolescents for half a week...shudder.

We've been getting a TON of rain here, finally.  Feast or famine; we've gone from drought to flooding.  It got so crazy the other day that I actually considered finding a private spot in the yard and taking my shower in the rain.  :)

As of Tuesday both kids are back in school.  WG had already been back for nearly a week, and has been so happy to be there!  I think she prefers it to hanging out with her dull parents all day, lol!

Today I've decided to take it a bit easy.  Me and the pup are hanging out, the space heater is on (the house is FREEZING!), I've got my homemade juice and my coffee, and I'm all set.  (BTW, I bought myself a milk frother for Christmas/Hanukkah. It was on sale at Starbucks, and I LOVE it!  I use soy milk, and it makes it all warm and foamy in 90 seconds. )
I'll take the dog for a walk, and do some detox yoga, then a (blessedly warm) shower before the kids get home.  Hopefully I'll be able to get to bed early.

I've decided that 2017 is going to be about self care.  Whatever that entails.  Maybe a nap, a tough workout, skipping a workout if I'm exhausted, eating healthy food, speaking my mind when I need to, and realizing that I DESERVE my yearly vacation AND my yoga classes.  As long as I can afford them, I will take advantage.

I have a feeling we're all going to need to take good care of ourselves.

Still Breathing

Heading into the 3rd week of school vacation (2 kids, 2 schools, 2 different vacation schedules).  And my mom has been here for a week and a half.  She's taking the red eye home tonight.  The weather isn't great, so I'm hoping for an easy flight. She's dealing with some serious stuff at home, so she's not looking forward to returning.  It's a pretty serious situation, which I'm hoping will soon be resolved.

I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I've decided I need to focus on being a bit more bold. OK, a LOT more.

And in that spirit, I'm going to proclaim that I Deserve a Frickin' Medal.  ;)

As do my kids.  I vaguely remember being 13.  A 13 year-old female. I can't imagine being a 13 year-old autistic female.  My poor girl is on an emotional roller coaster like I've never seen.
And I remember, somewhat, being 15.  But I was never a 15 year-old boy, and certainly not a 15 year-old autistic boy.

Next week, I've decided, once both kids are back in school, I'm going to spend the mornings curled up in my warm bed with my warm puppy and catch up on sleep.

So, Happy New Year, and I'll check in soon.

I'm trying to believe that everything is going to be OK.  But optimism has never been easy for me.  And I've been waking up every morning in a state of anxiety about what the next few months and years will bring.  I'm finding it nearly impossible to have hope.
It's hard to write about it, and I find I'm falling back into my old feelings of anxiety and sadness.  So I may need to take some time away from here and stew.  I'm sorry.
I'll pop in from time to time and let you know I'm still alive.  :)

Happy holidays, and here's hoping that 2017 is a good one!  Bless!

I Have Been Remiss

And I apologize.  I've tried a number of times to write, but have been processing everything and dealing with all sorts of stuff going on, so I ended up deleting those posts.

To be honest, I still don't know what to think about everything that's happening.  Part of me thinks, well, this is it.  The end of society and humanity as we know it.  Another part thinks it'll be a few years of wackiness, followed by (hopefully) the return of at least a semblance of sanity.  Yet ANOTHER part of me is more terrified than ever, especially for my kids.

I'm glad to live where we do. We will probably not be bearing the brunt of the insanity.  But I can't help but fear for the most vulnerable people in the country. And in other parts of the world.

And then I tell myself to take it in small doses.  Because otherwise I will make myself crazy.

So I focus on things closer to home.
Ah, home, where it sounds like a TB ward.  We've all had a cold over the past few days, so the six of us have been coughing and hacking and sneezing and sniffling.  Luckily it seems to be fairly mild.  I got it on Wednesday and was able to get to yoga today.

Last week I was able to try a free class at CorePower Yoga.  I decided to take the level one class.  They told me "You'll sweat a little bit, not too much."  An hour later, after swimming through a pool of my own perspiration, I was proud of myself for getting through it.
And then walked around in agony for the next three days.

I then decided that it isn't for me.  I'll stick with my regular classes.  (At studios that have free parking.  ;) )

WG is still doing well on her meds.  We're going to try a different mixture for LG, as this one is not working for him at all.  It's trial and error.  Hopefully we'll find the right percentages.

I've also been asking for a bit more help here and there.  My mother-in-law is willing and able to watch the kids, and we have respite hours available, so I need to take advantage.  It goes toward the whole keeping-myself-sane thing.
Also trying to figure out whether or not I can take my London trip next year.  I feel guilty spending the money, and the time away from my family, but I also want to make at least one more trip before they leave the E.U.  I must admit I've become somewhat addicted to the city, and to having those 4 days a year that are my own.  Sometimes I think I should go somewhere else, but London is my favorite place on this earth.  Plus, I'm pretty good at getting around now.  For someone with zero sense of direction, that's quite an accomplishment.  :)

Something else to ponder.

OK.  Gotta go blow my nose and lie down.  Who says I don't know how to spend a Friday night?!?!

The Mourning After

Last night I was terrified.  This morning I'm in a bit of shock, I suppose.

This post is going to get VERY personal, and may be a bit long, and you may disagree with everything I write.  That;s OK.  I need to get it all down, and work through everything.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have a strong, deep, belief in and a very personal relationship with G-d.  However, that relationship has also been a bit...troublesome.  Because I have always feared Him/Her more than I have loved Him. I'm just going to go with Him for the time being, even though I believe S/He transcends something as vague as gender.  But also because my relationship with Him echoes the relationship I had with my father when he was alive.
As a kid I loved my dad, but I also feared him.  He had a quick temper, strong opinions, and a loud, booming voice. I was afraid of his anger, which seemed huge.  And there was never any predicting it.  What was fine one moment may have sent him flying off the handle the next.
He may sound awful, but he wasn't.  He was also a loving father, the first stay-at-home dad in our town (he worked mainly at home when my brother and I were young).  He was deeply empathetic, and very, very scared.  We were, ARE, a lot alike.  And because of that we butted heads often, almost right until the end.
My dad believed strongly in social justice and equality.  His journalism career was dedicated to it.  He was often a huge softie, especially when he watched me in a show or my brother compete, or when our old dog was finally too sick to stay alive.
And he had a bellowing laugh, and a terrific sense of humor.
And awful, horrible handwriting!
He's the one who was there when, at age 13, I came home from school with horrible cramps having had my first period.  He went to the drugstore to get me what I needed, and came home with about 3 bags stuffed to the gills with every type of feminine hygiene product available, since he didn't know what I'd need, and this was before cell phones.

I talk to my dad a lot these days. In his last couple of months, I came to truly "get" him.  He couldn't speak, but I understood what he wanted and needed.  And I also understood on a deep level.  Because we ARE so very alike.
I ask him for guidance, and for help. I apologize to him for being so emotionally and financially dependent on my mom (she helps us out A LOT!).

Last night I got very angry at G-d.  I've been literally praying on my knees for a certain outcome to this election, mainly for the sake of my kids.  And when it turned out differently, I lashed out.  I swore at Him, even in my terror of doing so.

And later, I apologized and asked for forgiveness.  Partly because I was sorry, but mostly because I was scared.  Of His punishment.  Because I was afraid of what He might do to my kids or my husband, as said punishment.
And that made me horribly sad.  Because I finally realize that my fear is greater than my love in EVERY aspect of my life.

But I also felt something in the early hours.  I'd awoken at about 1 AM, after a couple of hours of sleep.  And thought about all my fear.  I talked to G-d for a bit, and I felt a sense of calm come over me, along with another realization: My purpose in this life is LOVE.  Not fame, not to be a renowned actor, not even to be a beloved teacher (although I wouldn't mind that, lol!).  I never really wanted fame, but I've always wanted approval.
Now what I want is to be with my family. Whatever happens.  (And, yes, that includes the dog.  She and I have a special bond, and I cannot leave her.)

I want to be a giver of light.  To have not just empathy, which I don't lack, but compassion, which I sometimes do.  I want to live quietly and peacefully, and give love and help to those who need it.

I refuse to give in to despair.  I want to have hope.

I want to love more than I fear.

I've mentioned my guardian angels before.  My many, overworked, under-appreciated angels.  I am going to appreciate them more, even as I may need to rely on them more than ever.

I have heard people say "The Universe on on your side," but I never really believed it.  Now, in this moment, I do.  And I will strive to keep the faith.
And the gratitude.

This morning, I am so very grateful.  For my family.  For this calm.  For all the love in my life.

To quote Tiny Tim, G-d bless us, every one.