tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49423887874219639782024-03-08T01:33:30.642-08:00Take a Deep Breathazusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.comBlogger628125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-60853769077018766602017-09-03T19:22:00.000-07:002017-09-03T19:25:21.502-07:00I Can't Even...Well.<br />
4 months since my last post.<br />
I can only apologize. But I can't promise it won't happen again.<br />
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Summer seemed to go very quickly this year, but it was a challenge. There were definitely some high points: The show, which was GREAT! It was a terrific group of people, and we had a good run.<br />
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Yesterday I met Peter Capaldi at SF Comic Con! He is truly a mensch! Such a lovely, thoughtful, generous man. I tried to tell him how much his and his wife's work has meant to me, and how much of an inspiration they both are to me, but, as usual, I f*#@ed it up, and I left him confused. I was there to take a photo with him, and it was all very rushed. I got nervous and tongue-tied. But he was so nice about it: he said "Oh good! At least something is working!" Which made me laugh.<br />
But I've been stewing over it since, as I do, and I just feel awful. I'm sure it was no big deal for him, he probably meets off-kilter people all the time. But I waited years to meet him, and when the time came, I blew it.<br />
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It has made me realize just how incredibly awkward I am, socially. Oh, I'm fine once you get to know me, and vice-versa. But I am constantly making social faux-pas without ever meaning to. I thought I was getting better, but I'm not. <br />
I've also been wondering, for quite some time, if I myself am on the autism spectrum. It would certainly explain how both of our kids are autistic!<br />
Which then makes me wonder how much good I can do for them, if I can't even help myself.<br />
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In July, WG started having seizures. She's now on medication, and has been diagnosed with generalised epilepsy. She had 4 before the medication. Knock on wood, she hasn't had any since. <br />
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My mom came to visit recently, and she ended up in the ER after hurting her back. So she spent most of her visit taking pain pills and trying to relax. <br />
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LG has started a new high school, and it seems to be going well so far. We'll learn more at his open house this week.<br />
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Hubby just opened a show, which also is going well. Unfortunately, we are in the midst of a crazy heat wave, and the theater has no air conditioning. They run fans before the show and at the intermission, but not during the show itself. The fans are loud, so the actors wouldn't be heard. Plus, the stage lights would blow.<br />
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The pup is great. :) Not so happy in this heat, however.<br />
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I am back in therapy. Need it badly, with everything that's going on. Although, honestly, it sometimes feels like a losing battle. <br />
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I know I'll feel better later. I need a good cry and to talk it out.<br />
And to reassure Hubby that it's nothing he said or did that has upset me. :)<br />
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Laters!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-10944765385465698402017-05-10T13:51:00.002-07:002017-05-10T13:51:39.143-07:00Hitting the BarreLast week I signed up for a (deeply discounted) one-month unlimited class pass to our local Pure Barre studio. I started a week ago Monday, and have taken 4 classes so far (with 2 more to go this week). I was pretty nervous before the first class, but I walked in and was greeted by a gray-blue French bulldog named Maverick. He's the studio owner's dog, and a lovebug. :) I took it as a good sign.<br />
I've been enjoying the classes, even though they are (for me) ridiculously challenging! I won't be able to afford 3 classes a week after the month is over, but I have some of their DVDs. I'm hoping that 1 class per week plus 2 workouts at home will get me strong and lean. :)<br /><br />I've put on about 5 pounds since the election, and I can't seem to get rid of them. I think it's stress, as I'm doing everything else I *should* be doing. <br />
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We've switched WG's meds. This is a well-known brand that we can order by mail! And it's chocolate/mint flavored, which she seems to like. We're also going to try it on LG, as his anxiety seems to be getting worse. Poor baby.<br />
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This Saturday is the annual staged reading of the Mom play. And then, a week from Sunday, we start rehearsal for the full-on play. I'm very excited, and a bit nervous. I hope I can memorize my lines. It's been quite a while!<br />
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The pup is wonderful. She sleeps on the bed with us, and follows me everywhere. I just wish that she enjoyed car rides more. :) I'd like to take her places, like the dog park. <br />
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Anywho, gotta run. Going to try and take a quick nap before the kiddoes get home. <br /><br />See ya!azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-47697436679493074942017-04-14T13:57:00.000-07:002017-04-14T13:57:43.484-07:00Adolescence, Perimenopause, and Other StufffIt's a cruel fact that, if a woman has children, chances are that she will experience pre- or full-on menopause at the same time at least one of her children is going through puberty. Such is the case with me and WG. All those female hormones are wreaking havoc at all hours. Plus, LG is also in the throes of male adolescence, which is its own kind o' crazy. <br />
Hubby's show opened last week, to very nice reviews, for the show AND for him. LG was on spring break, and then WG is off next week.<br /><br />I'm doing the performance of the Mom show again this year. In about a month. And then LG will be done with the regular school year. He has summer school in June, but it's only 4 hours a day. <br />It just seems like time goes by faster every year. Before we know it, LG will be almost done with school for good, and we'll have to figure out his future. And WG not long after. The way the world is going, I have to say that I'm not entirely optimistic that there will be programs in place for them as adults. <br />
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On a happier note, a friend of mine has just bought a house that's not too far away. For years she's been living in the city, but she got a job at a school in Silicon Valley, and will be moving soon. To an area I tend to go to quite a bit, actually. So we'll be able to hang out, hopefully, more often. I haven't seen her in nearly a year! She's also in the show.<br /><br />So there's quite a bit going on in these parts. Also, looking for ward to the new season of "Doctor Who", which starts tomorrow. See you in time and space!<br />
<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-67023282227327688812017-03-15T15:36:00.001-07:002017-03-15T15:36:50.995-07:00Ah!When one discovers that one's weight is creeping up, despite the fact that one is following one's Weight Watcher's plan to the letter and working out regularly, then one has to look elsewhere for the cause of said Weight Creep.<br />
Perhaps there are other issues going on.<br />
<br />
After weeks of watching every bite, working out like a maniac, and watching the scale go up, I finally remembered, on a cellular-rather-than-intellectual level, that stress, anxiety, and lack of sleep can lead to weight gain. <br />
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And that's the least of the issues. Stress, anxiety, and lack of sleep are pretty big problems in and of themselves. <br />
<br />
So I'm using my Fitbit for more than tracking my activity. There's a 2-5 minute relaxation program on it that also guides breathing. There are tons of EFT videos on YouTube. And, since I can't always get to my yoga classes, I've downloaded a few, including some slower-moving flow sessions. Because trying to kill myself with every workout is SO me-in-my-30's! :)<br />
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Hubby is in the thick of rehearsal for his show. He leaves for his day job at 7:30 AM, then afterwards drives to Walnut Creek to rehearse, and gets home at about 11 PM. I, meanwhile, am drowning in paperwork: Enrolling WG in high school (!!!!!!!!!), for one. Hopefully she'll stay in her current school, but she has to enroll in the county district. It's all very bureaucratic and requires over 100 pages of documentation, as well as, I kid you not, my mother-in-law. She has to sign documents at the office in front of witnesses, confirming that Hubby, kids and I still live with her and my F-I-L.<br />
I'm also re-applying for their Medi-Cal. <br />
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I've made so many copies in the past past two weeks that I'm starting to have nightmares about trees stalking me and trying to cut me down with an axe.<br />
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This morning, however, I took a break. After everyone left, the pup and I went back upstairs for a quick nap and some "Doctor Who" on BBC America. <br />
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So now it's back to the grind. Talk soon!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-70581014952342336352017-03-05T10:24:00.001-08:002017-03-05T10:24:16.603-08:00Living in Interesting Times.The above happens to be a title of an EFT video I've been using. It's posted on YouTube, and is just under 7 minutes long. It refers to the Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times". Which, I think I can safely say, describes the current era. <br />
I've also, in the evenings, been watching 90's videos on MTV Classic. It reminds me of being in my 20's, and living either in Western Massachusetts (early 90's), La Jolla (mid), or L.A. (late). Ah, those were the days! When I was still made of potential and everything seemed possible, lol!<br />Of course, I'm looking back with some heavily rose-tinted glasses. In my early 20's I was depressed and suicidal, in my mid-20's I was depressed and anxious, and in my late 20's, well, we lived in L.A. ;) <br />
I'm actually very glad to not be that young anymore. <br />
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I've been doing yoga and taking walks with the pup. My weight is still a few pounds up (between 2 and 5), but I feel good, for the most part. I have to remind myself that, 3 years ago, I would have sold my own mother to be at this weight. (I told her that. She's OK with it.)<br />
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Hubby has started rehearsal for his new show, and the in-laws are in Hawaii. While it's nice to have the place to myself during the day, it also means no help with the kids. I have to remember to take my solo walks, as well as those with pupper. That's what truly helps me keep my sanity. Or what's left of it, anyway.<br />
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I'm hoping to get back east at some point, to the Shakespeare company where I used to work. I haven't seen a production there in over 20 years. And since I'm not able to go abroad this year, I figure this will be the next best thing. And it'd be great to see everyone. I miss them terribly. Summer is a difficult time, but maybe if I go early in June or in September, it'll be doable.<br />
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WG's IEP is coming up this week. She'll be transitioning to the high school district (!!!!!!!!!!!!). Hopefully they'll let her stay at her school. I've been assured that chances are good they will. LG seems to be a little bit calmer, but we're still going to have him assessed again. Just to see what we can do for his anxiety. Meanwhile, WG's meds are still working, although we've had to up her dose a bit.<br />
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I'm feeling a lot calmer these days. The meds help, but also the tapping and just taking care of myself. And having a sweet pup to cuddle when things get bad.<br />
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And I'm still considering becoming a Weight Watchers leader. I like the idea. It's mainly a question of child care. (As is so often the case.)<br />
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OK. The sun has come out, so I'm going to take a walk. Enjoy your Sunday!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-54053591322629692022017-02-14T21:12:00.001-08:002017-02-14T21:16:49.644-08:00What's That Big Yellow Orb In The Sky?We've had some sunshine for the past 4 days, after some particularly heavy rain and wind. So heavy that a major dam has developed a leak and 190,000 people had to be evacuated the other night. It seems to be under control for the moment, but there's more rain predicted later in the week. In the meantime, everyone is enjoying the sun like we haven't seen it in years. It's almost as if we've forgotten that we've been in the worst recorded drought in California history for nearly half a decade.<br />
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I went to my audition on Saturday, and it was SO MUCH FUN! I did my monologue, then came back to read a couple of scenes from the play. The director, as it turns out, also runs a Shakespeare festival and asked me to audition for "Hamlet" in the Fall. Which was nice! So, even if I don't get this show, there's a chance I'll get to do one later in the year.<br />
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Hope you had a nice Valentine's Day (if you celebrate it). I'm gonna head off to bed. Nighty-night!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-67089029477173554312017-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:002017-02-08T08:22:20.954-08:00Biting the Bullet, and LaughingI can't stay up to watch "Saturday Night Live" when it airs, but thankfully we now have YouTube. <br />
Back in the olden days, the court jester was the only person who could tell the truth without getting his head (literally) knocked off. Usually. And now we have shows like SNL and The Daily Show and Samantha Bee, among others.<br />
<br />
If you haven't seen Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer, go watch. Now. It's OK, I'll wait...<br />
<br />
...See, I don't think it matters where your political leanings lay (lie?), that's funny stuff! Of course, you may disagree. And that's your prerogative.<br />
At least for the time being...<br />
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It's also a great stress reliever. Laughter IS the best medicine, after all.<br />
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And, in other parts of Life, I have an audition this Saturday. Nothing earth-shattering, but it's for a Shakespeare-inspired production at a small theater in Silicon Valley. The theater is actually right next to the Pilates studio where I did most of my teacher training. :)<br />
I'm not expecting to get the job as I have a feeling they're looking mainly for 20-something actors. But I haven't auditioned in nearly 13 years, and it'll be good to get, as they say, back in the saddle again. And it's Shakespeare, so it's right up my alley.<br />
Plus, as I write this, "Henry V" is on television. Which I'm taking as a good sign.<br />
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So. That's all the news for now. It's been raining like crazy , so I'm going to go dry off.<br /><br />See ya!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-57722461007468261852017-02-02T22:05:00.001-08:002017-02-02T22:05:36.486-08:00Ways To (Hopefully) Curb AnxietyI went to the Women's March in San Francisco. Apparently, by some estimates, there were 100,000 of us there. It was heartening, to say the least.<br />
It felt good to be taking action. I'm now looking for places to volunteer, to counteract the horror show that is the current political climate.<br />
<br />
Because if I don't, I might just explode. My weight is up a few pounds, and my skin keeps breaking out. It's like having Permanent Menstrual Syndrome. And I desperately need more sleep.<br />
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But there are other things I can do NOW to counteract the tension. Tapping (EFT), sitting quietly/meditating, yoga, and walking. And dance parties! I always forget how good it feels just to turn on some good tunes and move around. Especially when my kids join in: They don't care that I dance like an overly-caffeinated flamingo (lots of arm-flapping and kicking).<br />
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And, of course, having a nice warm puppy to snuggle with helps a lot.<br />
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I mustn't forget that this Sunday is the Superbowl. Which, to me, means one thing: PUPPY BOWL ON ANIMAL PLANET!!!!!!!!!!<br />
I mean, sure, the Patriots are playing, and my brother is working high-level security, but...well...I've just never been a football fan. I'll watch the halftime show. That totally counts, right?<br />
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I finally got my car fixed. I'd been rear-ended back in October. The other driver was completely cool about it, and his insurance is covering all the repairs. So far, at least. ;) I dropped the car off on Monday and picked it up this morning. So I've been taking advantage of our fantastic public transpo, and also walking A LOT. As I mentioned above, walking is a great stress-reducer for me. And it's also the best way to keep my weight down. Don't get me wrong, I love my free weights and Spin bike and Pilates and yoga and barre, but for weight management, walking just works for me.<br />
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I also went to a different Weight Watchers meeting this week. Since I didn't have my car, I skipped Tuesday and went today, instead. In order to keep my free Lifetime membership, I have to weigh in at my first meeting of the month. So I stepped on the scale, even though I'm up 5 POUNDS since last week! (I figure it's mostly a combination of hormones and stress). And the leader was REALLY great about it. She reminded me not to freak out over the number on the scale, and to take care of myself from the inside.<br />
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Today I got 20,000 + steps on my Fitbit. Between the walk from Caltrain to the body shop (dodging incoming high school students all the way), walking the dog, and a nice walk after dinner, I got plenty of hoofing time. <br />
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And I AM feeling calmer.<br />Finally!<br />
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During my walk tonight I listened to the interview Peter Capaldi gave to the BBC on Monday night, in which he revealed that this coming season will be his last on "Doctor Who." He started to get very emotional, and I have to say that I was right there with him. He's brilliant, and I'm going to miss him on the show. But It'll be exciting to see what he does next. <br />
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OK. Bedtime. Nighty-night!azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-36627392769754653212017-01-12T09:57:00.001-08:002017-01-12T09:57:22.716-08:00One advantage of living in someone else's house is that when something goes wrong, like, say, the water heater breaking, it's not entirely up to YOU to take care of it. We went 3 days without hot water. I don't know about you (and perhaps this is TMI, in which case I apologize), but if I go more than a day without bathing, things get pretty ripe. So on the second night, in desperation, I texted my sister-in-law and begged her to let me come over and use her shower. Happily, she agreed.<br />
We're also able to bathe the kids again. Thank goodness! Because if I though I was bad, not bathing 2 adolescents for half a week...shudder. <br />
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We've been getting a TON of rain here, finally. Feast or famine; we've gone from drought to flooding. It got so crazy the other day that I actually considered finding a private spot in the yard and taking my shower in the rain. :)<br />
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As of Tuesday both kids are back in school. WG had already been back for nearly a week, and has been so happy to be there! I think she prefers it to hanging out with her dull parents all day, lol!<br />
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Today I've decided to take it a bit easy. Me and the pup are hanging out, the space heater is on (the house is FREEZING!), I've got my homemade juice and my coffee, and I'm all set. (BTW, I bought myself a milk frother for Christmas/Hanukkah. It was on sale at Starbucks, and I LOVE it! I use soy milk, and it makes it all warm and foamy in 90 seconds. )<br />
I'll take the dog for a walk, and do some detox yoga, then a (blessedly warm) shower before the kids get home. Hopefully I'll be able to get to bed early.<br />
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I've decided that 2017 is going to be about self care. Whatever that entails. Maybe a nap, a tough workout, skipping a workout if I'm exhausted, eating healthy food, speaking my mind when I need to, and realizing that I DESERVE my yearly vacation AND my yoga classes. As long as I can afford them, I will take advantage.<br />
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I have a feeling we're all going to need to take good care of ourselves.<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-85891758628172418242017-01-03T18:57:00.000-08:002017-01-03T18:57:24.491-08:00Still BreathingHeading into the 3rd week of school vacation (2 kids, 2 schools, 2 different vacation schedules). And my mom has been here for a week and a half. She's taking the red eye home tonight. The weather isn't great, so I'm hoping for an easy flight. She's dealing with some serious stuff at home, so she's not looking forward to returning. It's a pretty serious situation, which I'm hoping will soon be resolved. <br />
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I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I've decided I need to focus on being a bit more bold. OK, a LOT more. <br /><br />And in that spirit, I'm going to proclaim that I Deserve a Frickin' Medal. ;)<br />
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As do my kids. I vaguely remember being 13. A 13 year-old female. I can't imagine being a 13 year-old autistic female. My poor girl is on an emotional roller coaster like I've never seen. <br />And I remember, somewhat, being 15. But I was never a 15 year-old boy, and certainly not a 15 year-old autistic boy. <br />
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Next week, I've decided, once both kids are back in school, I'm going to spend the mornings curled up in my warm bed with my warm puppy and catch up on sleep.<br />
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So, Happy New Year, and I'll check in soon.azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-42972248902383871592016-12-19T11:28:00.000-08:002016-12-19T11:28:24.150-08:00I'm trying to believe that everything is going to be OK. But optimism has never been easy for me. And I've been waking up every morning in a state of anxiety about what the next few months and years will bring. I'm finding it nearly impossible to have hope. <br />It's hard to write about it, and I find I'm falling back into my old feelings of anxiety and sadness. So I may need to take some time away from here and stew. I'm sorry. <br />I'll pop in from time to time and let you know I'm still alive. :)<br />
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Happy holidays, and here's hoping that 2017 is a good one! Bless!azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-76037083078662096662016-12-09T18:03:00.001-08:002016-12-09T18:06:09.752-08:00I Have Been RemissAnd I apologize. I've tried a number of times to write, but have been processing everything and dealing with all sorts of stuff going on, so I ended up deleting those posts.<br />
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To be honest, I still don't know what to think about everything that's happening. Part of me thinks, well, this is it. The end of society and humanity as we know it. Another part thinks it'll be a few years of wackiness, followed by (hopefully) the return of at least a semblance of sanity. Yet ANOTHER part of me is more terrified than ever, especially for my kids.<br />
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I'm glad to live where we do. We will probably not be bearing the brunt of the insanity. But I can't help but fear for the most vulnerable people in the country. And in other parts of the world.<br />
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And then I tell myself to take it in small doses. Because otherwise I will make myself crazy.<br />
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So I focus on things closer to home. <br />
Ah, home, where it sounds like a TB ward. We've all had a cold over the past few days, so the six of us have been coughing and hacking and sneezing and sniffling. Luckily it seems to be fairly mild. I got it on Wednesday and was able to get to yoga today. <br />
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Last week I was able to try a free class at CorePower Yoga. I decided to take the level one class. They told me "You'll sweat a little bit, not too much." An hour later, after swimming through a pool of my own perspiration, I was proud of myself for getting through it. <br />
And then walked around in agony for the next three days. <br />
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I then decided that it isn't for me. I'll stick with my regular classes. (At studios that have free parking. ;) )<br />
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WG is still doing well on her meds. We're going to try a different mixture for LG, as this one is not working for him at all. It's trial and error. Hopefully we'll find the right percentages.<br />
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I've also been asking for a bit more help here and there. My mother-in-law is willing and able to watch the kids, and we have respite hours available, so I need to take advantage. It goes toward the whole keeping-myself-sane thing. <br />
Also trying to figure out whether or not I can take my London trip next year. I feel guilty spending the money, and the time away from my family, but I also want to make at least one more trip before they leave the E.U. I must admit I've become somewhat addicted to the city, and to having those 4 days a year that are my own. Sometimes I think I should go somewhere else, but London is my favorite place on this earth. Plus, I'm pretty good at getting around now. For someone with zero sense of direction, that's quite an accomplishment. :)<br />
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Something else to ponder.<br />
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OK. Gotta go blow my nose and lie down. Who says I don't know how to spend a Friday night?!?!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-20901020994726491592016-11-09T09:29:00.000-08:002016-11-09T09:29:06.195-08:00The Mourning AfterLast night I was terrified. This morning I'm in a bit of shock, I suppose. <br /><br />This post is going to get VERY personal, and may be a bit long, and you may disagree with everything I write. That;s OK. I need to get it all down, and work through everything.<br />
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I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have a strong, deep, belief in and a very personal relationship with G-d. However, that relationship has also been a bit...troublesome. Because I have always feared Him/Her more than I have loved Him. I'm just going to go with Him for the time being, even though I believe S/He transcends something as vague as gender. But also because my relationship with Him echoes the relationship I had with my father when he was alive. <br />
As a kid I loved my dad, but I also feared him. He had a quick temper, strong opinions, and a loud, booming voice. I was afraid of his anger, which seemed huge. And there was never any predicting it. What was fine one moment may have sent him flying off the handle the next.<br />He may sound awful, but he wasn't. He was also a loving father, the first stay-at-home dad in our town (he worked mainly at home when my brother and I were young). He was deeply empathetic, and very, very scared. We were, ARE, a lot alike. And because of that we butted heads often, almost right until the end.<br />
My dad believed strongly in social justice and equality. His journalism career was dedicated to it. He was often a huge softie, especially when he watched me in a show or my brother compete, or when our old dog was finally too sick to stay alive.<br />
And he had a bellowing laugh, and a terrific sense of humor. <br />
And awful, horrible handwriting! <br />He's the one who was there when, at age 13, I came home from school with horrible cramps having had my first period. He went to the drugstore to get me what I needed, and came home with about 3 bags stuffed to the gills with every type of feminine hygiene product available, since he didn't know what I'd need, and this was before cell phones.<br />
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I talk to my dad a lot these days. In his last couple of months, I came to truly "get" him. He couldn't speak, but I understood what he wanted and needed. And I also understood on a deep level. Because we ARE so very alike.<br />
I ask him for guidance, and for help. I apologize to him for being so emotionally and financially dependent on my mom (she helps us out A LOT!). <br />
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Last night I got very angry at G-d. I've been literally praying on my knees for a certain outcome to this election, mainly for the sake of my kids. And when it turned out differently, I lashed out. I swore at Him, even in my terror of doing so. <br />
<br />
And later, I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Partly because I was sorry, but mostly because I was scared. Of His punishment. Because I was afraid of what He might do to my kids or my husband, as said punishment.<br />
And that made me horribly sad. Because I finally realize that my fear is greater than my love in EVERY aspect of my life.<br />
<br />
But I also felt something in the early hours. I'd awoken at about 1 AM, after a couple of hours of sleep. And thought about all my fear. I talked to G-d for a bit, and I felt a sense of calm come over me, along with another realization: My purpose in this life is LOVE. Not fame, not to be a renowned actor, not even to be a beloved teacher (although I wouldn't mind that, lol!). I never really wanted fame, but I've always wanted approval. <br />Now what I want is to be with my family. Whatever happens. (And, yes, that includes the dog. She and I have a special bond, and I cannot leave her.)<br /><br />I want to be a giver of light. To have not just empathy, which I don't lack, but compassion, which I sometimes do. I want to live quietly and peacefully, and give love and help to those who need it.<br />
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I refuse to give in to despair. I want to have hope. <br />
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I want to love more than I fear.<br />
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I've mentioned my guardian angels before. My many, overworked, under-appreciated angels. I am going to appreciate them more, even as I may need to rely on them more than ever.<br />
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I have heard people say "The Universe on on your side," but I never really believed it. Now, in this moment, I do. And I will strive to keep the faith.<br />
And the gratitude.<br /><br />This morning, I am so very grateful. For my family. For this calm. For all the love in my life. <br />
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To quote Tiny Tim, G-d bless us, every one.<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-78818224348916925802016-11-04T17:40:00.000-07:002016-11-04T17:40:10.565-07:00Speechless...Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been going through an emotional roller coaster with this election. It's psychological torture! It's probably against the Geneva Convention...<br />
Seriously, there has GOT to be some kind of limit on how long an election season can go on.<br />
<br />
Thankfully I'm back to my regular yoga practice, and on my meds. I've also deleted my Facebook account and am avoiding cable news as much as possible. Which is why I can still put a basic sentence together, and also why I'm not sitting in a padded room.<br />
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Not that there haven't also been good things: the Cubs winning the World Series! "Doctor Strange" is out. Halloween was really fun! Even though we didn't make it to the Potrero. (WG had a rough day, so she stayed home with Hubby in her nice warm room, listening to her music, while LG and I walked around the neighborhood.)<br />
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Sunday is WG's birthday, and the party is Saturday. We're doing a disco theme, with a dance party and Mexican food. <br />
And then the Pacquiao fight. :)<br />
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Oh, and something weird but quite wonderful happened the other day: We got a BIG box of healthy dog food and treats delivered to our home, and we have NO IDEA who sent it. There was no receipt, no return address, and even Amazon didn't know who it was from.<br />
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Our puppy has an angel!<br /><br />
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Anyway, it's Friday evening, and I'm going to chill with kids and dog while Hubby is at the rock climbing gym. Have a great weekend!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-71717666699261526502016-10-27T20:16:00.000-07:002016-10-27T20:16:00.597-07:00Updates and Party PlanningSo Pup LOVED her new vet, and the feeling was mutual. <3 2="" and="" br="" fell="" give="" he="" her="" in="" injections="" let="" love="" nasal="" nbsp="" one="" she="" spray.="" staff="" take="" temperature="" them="" whole="" with=""><br />Yay!<br /><br />Halloween is almost upon us. My favorite holiday. Even though we don't get trick-or-treaters here. We're on a dark cul de sac, and even my past efforts at decorating and turning on every light in the house (and buying the GOOD candy) hasn't been enough to lure the kiddies over. <br />Can't blame them. We're at the top of the hill, and it's pretty darn dark and dreary.</3><br />
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Ah well. The kids have parties at school, and maybe we can walk around the neighborhood or go to the Potrero.<br />
<br />
Or I'll just go to yoga, lol! <br />(Yes, I'm back to yoga, and feeling so much better! Physically AND mentally.)<br />
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WG's birthday is also coming up. She loves music and dancing, so we've decided on a disco theme. I'm going to make cupcakes with sprinkles, and we'll order good food. Then dance the night away. Well, until 9 PM...<br />
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The alternative medicine continues to work its magic. We're seeing a little bit of improvement in LG, as well. It truly is a miracle drug, and should be available everywhere. Hopefully it soon will be.<br />
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OK, gotta get WG out of the tub. Sayonara!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-31748035286605702362016-10-18T16:56:00.002-07:002016-10-18T16:56:35.555-07:00Slow and Steady...IS REALLY ANNOYING!!!!!!!!One week after TCFH (The Cold From Hades), I'm still congested, coughing, and exhausted. <br />And cranky.<br />I haven't been to yoga in a week and a half. Last night I did a 15-minute online practice, and that just about did me in. No yoga + no long walks = Unhappy Mommy.<br />
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But then WG comes and hangs out with me, and wants to have a dance party, and all is well again.<br />
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And, if you gotta be sick, it's awfully nice to have a warm pet to take naps with.<br />
<br />
And I HAVE been sleeping A LOT, which is sort of nice. Unusual. <br />
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Tomorrow I go to my chiropractor, which is also nice. And then the pup and I will go to her new vet. She doesn't like to ride in the car, and the old vet was in the city, a good 30-minute drive. This one is within walking distance. Hopefully they will click. Of course, she's the most perfect pup in dogdom, so I can't imagine that they won't.<br />
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We're in that time of year that I absolutely love. Autumn in California may not be quite the same as autumn in New England or New York, but it's beautiful, just the same. I love the light in the late afternoon. Of course, because it's California, the temperature today was about 75 (fahrenheit) rather than 10 or 20 degrees cooler. Which I've finally gotten used to.<br />
After 22 years. :)<br />
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OK, gotta go lie down again. Who knew blogging was so tiring? ;)<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-91025507764005559862016-10-12T16:46:00.000-07:002016-10-12T16:46:33.985-07:00The Most Wonderful (?) Time of the Year.Sorry, been a bit crazed lately. My mom was in town last week, and then I got a really nasty cold, which I'm just now getting over. October/November seems to be the time of year for me to get sick.<br />
<br />
But I do LOVE October. Always have. Growing up in New England, it was, of course, the time for foliage. In California we don't get a whole lot of that, but it's still beautiful. And, of course, Halloween is coming. I LOOOOOOOVE Halloween!!!!!!!!<br />The best place to celebrate Halloween in San Francisco is, in my opinion, an area called the Potrero. One of our favorite spots. If we can get the kids to go along, we'll head there this year. Lots of creative people (and dogs) wearing terrific costumes.<br />
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Otherwise, life continues on apace. We've started giving LG the same medication as WG. His anxiety manifests itself in different ways, but it's anxiety, nonetheless. We spoke about it at his IEP last week. It's so good to know that all of their teachers love and care for them so much! We're so lucky!<br />
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And, apropos of nothing, can I just say how happy I am that high-waisted pants are back in style? After 16 years of low-rise tyranny, we can (quite literally) breathe easier again.<br />
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OK, I need to lie down. I'm not quite fully recovered. <br />
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Talk soon, m'dears!azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-51444892794123522262016-09-21T15:39:00.000-07:002016-09-21T15:39:20.837-07:00ExperimentationI moved to New York at 18 for college. It was the Fall of 1987, I was living in Greenwich Village, and it was before the Rejuvenation Of Manhattan. In other words, Times Square was still a dump filled with porno movie houses, drug dealers, and prostitutes, and not a Disney logo to be seen. <br />(Also, you could rent a decent apartment for $1,000/month, which was still out of reach for me & my friends, so we lived in the dorms.)<br />Naturally, being a drama major, this was precisely where the bulk of my classes were held. We'd take the A,C, or D train from West 4th St. to Port Authority and walk 4 blocks to the (frankly, dumpy) studios.<br />
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It was also the tale-end of the heyday of downtown experimental theater. A heyday that had begun in the 60's, but was slowly petering out, along with 80's crazes like Nouvelle Cuisine and shoulder pads.<br />In my senior year, I actually started taking classes at the school's Experimental Theater Wing. It was wacky and fun and annoying and full of goths. Of course, living in the Village in the 80's/early 90's pretty much guaranteed you would become a goth, so...<br />
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After college, I spent the summer in the U.K, performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which has every type of theater imaginable. Then another few months in New York trying to make a go of it, before moving to the Berkshires and becoming a Shakespeare/Hippie/Grunge type.<br />
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Finally, grad school, where anything and everything could (and did) happen. New stuff, old stuff, experimental stuff, staid stuff. We did it all.<br />
<br />
Then came Los Angeles. And, well, I've written about THAT ad nauseam. :)<br />
<br />
And along came marriage, kids, a mortgage, and autism. And I was introduced to a different kind of experimentation; raising kids on the spectrum. Trying out different therapies and techniques, seeing which ones resonated and which didn't.<br /><br />And now we're experimenting with medical stuff. It's only been 3 1/2 days. We're seeing a difference at home, although not quite as much at school, as of yet. Less self-injurious behaviors, which is a relief. She has stopped fighting us quite so much when it comes time to take it. I really, REALLY hope this works for her!<br />
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To quote The Carpenters, we've only just begun. We have a lot to learn.azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-48783212295935148182016-09-18T22:01:00.000-07:002016-09-18T22:01:23.086-07:00Medication and HeadshotsSaturday night Hubby and I went to the dispensary to get WG's meds. I was picturing a tiny hole-in-the-wall with a tie-dyed, man-bunned hipster sitting behind a desk, mixing up our scrip and saying "Good luck, man! Peace!" as we left.<br />Instead it was like a club!<br />Security out front, music, tables set up, clean bathrooms, incredibly friendly and helpful staff, and chic furniture.<br />
The kind of place you want to hang out in for a while.<br />And they let you!<br />
<br />
So we started her on it this morning. It's in spray form, and it doesn't taste very good, and it takes both of us to get it in her mouth, but hopefully it'll help.<br /><br />
Tomorrow morning I'm going into the city to get new headshots done. The last time I did that was in 2000. But since I can no longer pass for 31, it's time to get new photos, print out my resume, and start submitting myself for auditions. :)<br />
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Yikes!<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-25701487711861569862016-09-13T18:12:00.000-07:002016-09-13T18:12:30.190-07:00Entering the Twilight ZoneNo, not the one with shimmery, angst-ridden vampires. (Seriously, how can they POSSIBLY consider themselves superior to humans when they have to spend eternity in high school?!?!?!?) <br />The world of legal-here-thankfully-but-unfortunately-not-yet-everywhere medication.<br /><br />Yesterday we took WG to a doctor who specializes in this kind of treatment, and he has given us a prescription. Tomorrow Hubby will go to a place in the city that dispenses such medication. And then the try, try again begins. By all accounts, it'll take a few cases of trial and error to get the right mix for her.<br />
<br />
But I'm also incredibly excited and optimistic about it. <br /><br />And I feel so very lucky that we live in a place where it's available, where we have one of the top doctors in the world for it, (seriously, people come from all over the planet to see him!), that this was suggested by her TEACHER, and that we've had offers to help us pay for it.<br />
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When I was in my early 20's and working at the Shakespeare festival, one of my housemates was our costume designer. He's originally from Alabama, and there's just something ethereal about him. One night, he offered to read the Tarot for all of us, and we agreed. Just for fun.<br />
When he read mine, he closed his eyes and said "Alyssa, you are surrounded by angels!"<br />
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And y'know what? I think he's right! My maternal grandmother passed away when I was quite young, and the morning after she passed I woke up early and felt her beside my bed. And I've often felt other...beings around me. And, of course, for the past few years, my dad.<br />
<br />There have been many, MANY times when I've done REALLY stupid things, and I'm convinced that someone, or a number of someones, have intervened to save me from myself. I've always said that if I have a guardian angel, s/he should be given overtime and hazard pay. Luckily, I seem to have an entire team. :)<br />
They also seem to be watching over Hubby and the kids. <br />Thankfully.<br />
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So, trying to focus on all the good.<br />Because there's a lot of it. :)<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-75031457886920959242016-09-08T12:54:00.001-07:002016-09-08T12:57:13.826-07:00Good Doctors!Not the one WHO flies the TARDIS, but the ones I saw yesterday. The medical practice I used to go to has shut down, so I went to a new place. It was my first visit, and the medical history review, exam, labs, EKG, and prescription took 40 minutes. They were quick, competent, and thorough.<br />
Oh, and all women, which I think is kinda cool.<br />
AND one of the best coffee chains in the world (Philz) has a store 2 doors down.<br />
<br />
I'm back on Zoloft. Just started it yesterday evening. I'm being eased back on, so I won't take a full dose for the first week.<br />
The first time I went on it (2002), I got skinny. The next time (2008), I got fat. This time I'm kinda hoping it'll be just right and I'll stay where I'm at. (Although, if it wants to flatten out my stomach a bit I certainly won't complain...)<br />
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On another topic entirely, have I ever mentioned how much PAPERWORK is involved with having 2 autistic kids?<br />
Because, lately, it feels like that's pretty much how I spend 90% of my time; filling out paperwork. Doctor's forms, Medi-Cal renewal applications, Medi-Cal NEW renewal applications (as in "We've changed the paperwork so can you please fill in these 400 new pages and have it back to us by next week otherwise you won't get your benefits"), Pre-IEP forms, post-IEP forms, IPP forms, re-application (every year) for school, applications for camp/swim clinic/pool privileges...the list goes on and on.<br />
Seemingly endlessly.<br />
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It's all worth it, of course. I just worry about the trees...<br />
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And my hand.<br />
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Speaking of which, I'd best get back to it. See ya!azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-44971934253072827102016-09-06T13:40:00.001-07:002016-09-06T13:40:52.903-07:00See Ya, Summer!I used to LOOOOOOOOOOOVE summer. It was my favorite time of the year. Long days, warm weather, and, for a while at least, it meant doing theater. Usually outdoors.<br />I still love summer. <br />But it's much more hectic nowadays. <br />
<br />
And this summer was an odd one. I believe I've mentioned that in early August, WG suddenly decided that she didn't like swimming anymore. Swimming! Which, all these years, including through July, has been one of her favorite things ever!<br />
We think it's probably because of the anxiety. And scheduling. We usually go to the pool in the morning, because it gets crowded in the afternoon (and she does NOT do well with crowds). But she may not have been sleeping well, and too tired in the morning to enjoy swimming.<br />
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And even going to the park is too much for her. She sits in the car and cries, and it's heartbreaking. I really, REALLY hope we can rid her of the anxiety, so she can enjoy her life again. :( She doesn't have to love all the same things she used to, but she needs to be able to participate in her own life. And to not be afraid of life. I understand that feeling, and I pray she doesn't have to suffer through it.<br />
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LG is also displaying some new behaviors. Which seem mildly obsessive-compulsive. His IEP is coming up in October, so we'll discuss it all then. But he's still a happy, sweet kid. Thankfully! (Especially the happy part.)<br /><br />Adolescence is completely fascinating! Sometimes it feels like we're getting to know our kids all over again.<br />
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Otherwise, I'm trying not to freak out too much over the election. It's getting closer, in more ways than one, and it's terrifying.<br />
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I was able to keep up with one of my yoga classes over the summer. Which made a difference, I think. I have to remember to take care of myself, as well as everyone else. Otherwise I'll be useless.<br />So, I need to deal with my own anxiety, as well as help WG with hers.<br />
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Ah, life. Never dull, is it?<br />
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<br />azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-11037559155523401602016-09-01T10:53:00.000-07:002016-09-01T10:53:32.872-07:00Hoo Boy!Rough night last night, with anxiety keeping me awake. <br />
This morning I asked Hubby "What do we do if So-And-So is elected president?" and he said "We roll with the punches."<br />Which, really, is all we CAN do. I mean, we can be active, and work to help those who need it, but we can't go back in time and change election results. (Even if we could, should anyone have that power? :) )<br />
I also spoke with WG's teacher and the school director this morning, to let them know of our plans. And they reminded me that if I ever need to talk or have any questions, they are ALWAYS there.<br />Sometimes I forget that. We are SO lucky to have them!<br />
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We have an appointment for WG with a very experienced doctor in Berkeley. He works a lot with kids on the spectrum, and everyone I've spoken with who uses this particular treatment sees him. <br />Here's hoping we can afford it. :)<br />
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I also have an appointment, finally, to get new headshots. And there's a nearby theater that's doing lots of female-centric shows next year, so I'll be sending my new photo (along with my old resume) to them. <br />
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And I'm (hopefully) getting back on Zoloft next week. <br /><br />So, we'll see how it all goes. <br />
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Onward and, hopefully, upward.azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-64451128888250287292016-08-28T09:59:00.000-07:002016-08-28T09:59:02.472-07:00Asking for Help...And Getting It!Last night I posted my concern about the (potential) cost of WG's (potential) medication on my Facebook page, and was almost immediately bombarded with suggestions and empathy from friends. I'm MUCH more hopeful today than I was yesterday, and it MAY be that this is a lot more doable (and affordable) than we originally thought.<br />
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Fingers crossed.</div>
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I am cautiously optimistic about the whole thing.<br />
Which is sort of like rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns for a normal person. :)<br />
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I've also joined a Facebook group that's got oodles of info on the topic. Hopefully we can get her started soon.<br />
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So...away we go!<br />
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azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4942388787421963978.post-20248851364875866842016-08-25T13:31:00.004-07:002016-08-25T13:35:17.583-07:00ControversyI spoke with WG's teacher today, and we've both come to the same conclusion: A lot of her behavior stems from anxiety. And there are other kids in her school who take meds for anxiety, and have been helped quite a lot. So we're looking into it. One of the options is a bit controversial (and expensive), but it may be our best option.<br />
Because the last thing we want is for her to experience that. Especially at the levels I experienced it at her age. I was in a place where waking up in the morning and going to school caused crippling fear. I hope she never, EVER has to feel that way!<br />
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So, we'll do whatever it takes to help her. <br />
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Part of me feels badly because she inherited her anxiety from me. On the other hand, at least I'm more informed than my parents and grandparents were. We're learning SO MUCH about the brain, and how it functions, and I'm glad we live in an era where that information is available.<br />
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And I'm going to ignore all the voices (mine and others) that try to make us feel guilty for medicating her, if that's what it comes to. <br />
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Quite frankly, anyone who tried to tell us that we're doing it "wrong" can, to quote Malcolm Tucker, f*ck the f*ck off.azusmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08833120044345423052noreply@blogger.com2