The Mourning After

Last night I was terrified.  This morning I'm in a bit of shock, I suppose.

This post is going to get VERY personal, and may be a bit long, and you may disagree with everything I write.  That;s OK.  I need to get it all down, and work through everything.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have a strong, deep, belief in and a very personal relationship with G-d.  However, that relationship has also been a bit...troublesome.  Because I have always feared Him/Her more than I have loved Him. I'm just going to go with Him for the time being, even though I believe S/He transcends something as vague as gender.  But also because my relationship with Him echoes the relationship I had with my father when he was alive.
As a kid I loved my dad, but I also feared him.  He had a quick temper, strong opinions, and a loud, booming voice. I was afraid of his anger, which seemed huge.  And there was never any predicting it.  What was fine one moment may have sent him flying off the handle the next.
He may sound awful, but he wasn't.  He was also a loving father, the first stay-at-home dad in our town (he worked mainly at home when my brother and I were young).  He was deeply empathetic, and very, very scared.  We were, ARE, a lot alike.  And because of that we butted heads often, almost right until the end.
My dad believed strongly in social justice and equality.  His journalism career was dedicated to it.  He was often a huge softie, especially when he watched me in a show or my brother compete, or when our old dog was finally too sick to stay alive.
And he had a bellowing laugh, and a terrific sense of humor.
And awful, horrible handwriting!
He's the one who was there when, at age 13, I came home from school with horrible cramps having had my first period.  He went to the drugstore to get me what I needed, and came home with about 3 bags stuffed to the gills with every type of feminine hygiene product available, since he didn't know what I'd need, and this was before cell phones.

I talk to my dad a lot these days. In his last couple of months, I came to truly "get" him.  He couldn't speak, but I understood what he wanted and needed.  And I also understood on a deep level.  Because we ARE so very alike.
I ask him for guidance, and for help. I apologize to him for being so emotionally and financially dependent on my mom (she helps us out A LOT!).

Last night I got very angry at G-d.  I've been literally praying on my knees for a certain outcome to this election, mainly for the sake of my kids.  And when it turned out differently, I lashed out.  I swore at Him, even in my terror of doing so.

And later, I apologized and asked for forgiveness.  Partly because I was sorry, but mostly because I was scared.  Of His punishment.  Because I was afraid of what He might do to my kids or my husband, as said punishment.
And that made me horribly sad.  Because I finally realize that my fear is greater than my love in EVERY aspect of my life.

But I also felt something in the early hours.  I'd awoken at about 1 AM, after a couple of hours of sleep.  And thought about all my fear.  I talked to G-d for a bit, and I felt a sense of calm come over me, along with another realization: My purpose in this life is LOVE.  Not fame, not to be a renowned actor, not even to be a beloved teacher (although I wouldn't mind that, lol!).  I never really wanted fame, but I've always wanted approval.
Now what I want is to be with my family. Whatever happens.  (And, yes, that includes the dog.  She and I have a special bond, and I cannot leave her.)

I want to be a giver of light.  To have not just empathy, which I don't lack, but compassion, which I sometimes do.  I want to live quietly and peacefully, and give love and help to those who need it.

I refuse to give in to despair.  I want to have hope.

I want to love more than I fear.

I've mentioned my guardian angels before.  My many, overworked, under-appreciated angels.  I am going to appreciate them more, even as I may need to rely on them more than ever.

I have heard people say "The Universe on on your side," but I never really believed it.  Now, in this moment, I do.  And I will strive to keep the faith.
And the gratitude.

This morning, I am so very grateful.  For my family.  For this calm.  For all the love in my life.

To quote Tiny Tim, G-d bless us, every one.

Speechless...

Sorry I haven't written in a while.  I've been going through an emotional roller coaster with this election.  It's psychological torture! It's probably against the Geneva Convention...
Seriously, there has GOT to be some kind of limit on how long an election season can go on.

Thankfully I'm back to my regular yoga practice, and on my meds.  I've also deleted my Facebook account and am avoiding cable news as much as possible.  Which is why I can still put a basic sentence together, and also why I'm not sitting in a padded room.

Not that there haven't also been good things: the Cubs winning the World Series! "Doctor Strange" is out.  Halloween was really fun!  Even though we didn't make it to the Potrero. (WG had a rough day, so she stayed home with Hubby in her nice warm room, listening to her music, while LG and I walked around the neighborhood.)

Sunday is WG's birthday, and the party is Saturday.  We're doing a disco theme, with a dance party and Mexican food.
And then the Pacquiao fight.  :)

Oh, and something weird but quite wonderful happened the other day: We got a BIG box of healthy dog food and treats delivered to our home, and we have NO IDEA who sent it.  There was no receipt, no return address, and even Amazon didn't know who it was from.

Our puppy has an angel!


Anyway, it's Friday evening, and I'm going to chill with kids and dog while Hubby is at the rock climbing gym.  Have a great weekend!

Updates and Party Planning

So Pup LOVED her new vet, and the feeling was mutual.  <3 2="" and="" br="" fell="" give="" he="" her="" in="" injections="" let="" love="" nasal="" nbsp="" one="" she="" spray.="" staff="" take="" temperature="" them="" whole="" with="">
Yay!

Halloween is almost upon us.  My favorite holiday.  Even though we don't get trick-or-treaters here.  We're on a dark cul de sac, and even my past efforts at decorating and turning on every light in the house (and buying the GOOD candy) hasn't been enough to lure the kiddies over.
Can't blame them.  We're at the top of the hill, and it's pretty darn dark and dreary.

Ah well.  The kids have parties at school, and maybe we can walk around the neighborhood or go to the Potrero.

Or I'll just go to yoga, lol!
(Yes, I'm back to yoga, and feeling so much better! Physically AND mentally.)

WG's birthday is also coming up.  She loves music and dancing, so we've decided on a disco theme.  I'm going to make cupcakes with sprinkles, and we'll order good food.  Then dance the night away. Well, until 9 PM...

The alternative medicine continues to work its magic.  We're seeing a little bit of improvement in LG, as well.  It truly is a miracle drug, and should be available everywhere.  Hopefully it soon will be.

OK, gotta get WG out of the tub.  Sayonara!

Slow and Steady...IS REALLY ANNOYING!!!!!!!!

One week after TCFH (The Cold From Hades), I'm still congested, coughing, and exhausted.
And cranky.
I haven't been to yoga in a week and a half.  Last night I did a 15-minute online practice, and that just about did me in.  No yoga + no long walks = Unhappy Mommy.

But then WG comes and hangs out with me, and wants to have a dance party, and all is well again.

And, if you gotta be sick, it's awfully nice to have a warm pet to take naps with.

And I HAVE been sleeping A LOT, which is sort of nice.  Unusual.

Tomorrow I go to my chiropractor, which is also nice.  And then the pup and I will go to her new vet.  She doesn't like to ride in the car, and the old vet was in the city, a good 30-minute drive.  This one is within walking distance.  Hopefully they will click.  Of course, she's the most perfect pup in dogdom, so I can't imagine that they won't.

We're in that time of year that I absolutely love.  Autumn in California may not be quite the same as autumn in New England or New York, but it's beautiful, just the same.  I love the light in the late afternoon. Of course, because it's California, the temperature today was about 75 (fahrenheit) rather than 10 or 20 degrees cooler.  Which I've finally gotten used to.
After 22 years.  :)

OK, gotta go lie down again.  Who knew blogging was so tiring?  ;)

The Most Wonderful (?) Time of the Year.

Sorry, been a bit crazed lately.  My mom was in town last week, and then I got a really nasty cold, which I'm just now getting over.  October/November seems to be the time of year for me to get sick.

But I do LOVE October.  Always have.  Growing up in New England, it was, of course, the time for foliage. In California we don't get a whole lot of that, but it's still beautiful.  And, of course, Halloween is coming.  I LOOOOOOOVE Halloween!!!!!!!!
The best place to celebrate Halloween in San Francisco is, in my opinion, an area called the Potrero. One of our favorite spots.  If we can get the kids to go along, we'll head there this year.  Lots of creative people (and dogs) wearing terrific costumes.

Otherwise, life continues on apace.  We've started giving LG the same medication as WG.  His anxiety manifests itself in different ways, but it's anxiety, nonetheless.  We spoke about it at his IEP last week.  It's so good to know that all of their teachers love and care for them so much!  We're so lucky!

And, apropos of nothing, can I just say how happy I am that high-waisted pants are back in style?  After 16 years of low-rise tyranny, we can (quite literally) breathe easier again.

OK, I need to lie down.  I'm not quite fully recovered.

Talk soon, m'dears!

Experimentation

I moved to New York at 18 for college.  It was the Fall of 1987, I was living in Greenwich Village, and it was before the Rejuvenation Of Manhattan.  In other words, Times Square was still a dump filled with porno movie houses, drug dealers, and prostitutes, and not a Disney logo to be seen.
(Also, you could rent a decent apartment for $1,000/month, which was still out of reach for me & my friends, so we lived in the dorms.)
Naturally, being a drama major, this was precisely where the bulk of my classes were held.  We'd take the A,C, or D train from West 4th St. to Port Authority and walk 4 blocks to the (frankly, dumpy) studios.

It was also the tale-end of the heyday of downtown experimental theater. A heyday that had begun in the 60's, but was slowly petering out, along with 80's crazes like Nouvelle Cuisine and shoulder pads.
In my senior year, I actually started taking classes at the school's Experimental Theater Wing.  It was wacky and fun and annoying and full of goths.  Of course, living in the Village in the 80's/early 90's pretty much guaranteed you would become a goth, so...

After college, I spent the summer in the U.K, performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which has every type of theater imaginable.  Then another few months in New York trying to make a go of it, before moving to the Berkshires and becoming a Shakespeare/Hippie/Grunge type.

Finally, grad school, where anything and everything could (and did) happen.  New stuff, old stuff, experimental stuff, staid stuff.  We did it all.

Then came Los Angeles.  And, well, I've written about THAT ad nauseam.  :)

And along came marriage, kids, a mortgage, and autism.  And I was introduced to a different kind of experimentation; raising kids on the spectrum.  Trying out different therapies and techniques, seeing which ones resonated and which didn't.

And now we're experimenting with medical stuff.  It's only been 3 1/2 days.  We're seeing a difference at home, although not quite as much at school, as of yet.  Less self-injurious behaviors, which is a relief.  She has stopped fighting us quite so much when it comes time to take it.  I really, REALLY hope this works for her!

To quote The Carpenters, we've only just begun.  We have a lot to learn.

Medication and Headshots

Saturday night Hubby and I went to the dispensary to get WG's meds.  I was picturing a tiny hole-in-the-wall with a tie-dyed, man-bunned hipster sitting behind a desk, mixing up our scrip and saying "Good luck, man! Peace!" as we left.
Instead it was like a club!
Security out front, music, tables set up, clean bathrooms, incredibly friendly and helpful staff, and chic furniture.
The kind of place you want to hang out in for a while.
And they let you!

So we started her on it this morning.  It's in spray form, and it doesn't taste very good, and it takes both of us to get it in her mouth, but hopefully it'll help.

Tomorrow morning I'm going into the city to get new headshots done.  The last time I did that was in 2000.  But since I can no longer pass for 31, it's time to get new photos, print out my resume, and start submitting myself for auditions.  :)

Yikes!