Had my annual visit with my doctor yesterday, and we started weaning me off my meds. I also noticed that he carries a little Macbook with him, so he can reference pretty much anything he needs without having to shuffle through a bunch of files. Tres cool!
I mentioned that I'm looking to my diet to help with my anxiety and depression issues. So he talked to me about that. For an hour!!!! It was so cool! How many GPs will take an hour out of their busy schedules to talk to a patient about their issues? He also explained the process for weaning me off the antidepressants, talked about my workout programs WITHOUT nagging, and said "It's a good program, you're not overdoing it." And my weight gain didn't even warrant a single mention.
At the end, he said something that really hit me: he said that people with anxiety and depression often come to realize that we may not be able to get rid of it entirely, but it becomes simply another facet of who we are and doesn't control us anymore.
For me, this is HUGE!!!!! I always wanted to be a calm, zen-like person. The kind of chick who lets life's troubles roll over her like water off a duck's back. But I'm just not engineered that way. I was so happy to hear my doc talk about the genetic AND environmental causes of anxiety and depression; that it is a complex issue, and that I'm not a failure if I can't blissfully meditate on a pointy rock for 6 days.
As far as diet goes, I'm gonna try and go without some stuff for a while. I've never liked extreme diets, because I think they usually lead to a binge. But I remember something from Intuitive Eating, which is about taking care of yourself. If you are diabetic, you don't eat tons of sugar, even though you may want to. If you have Celiac, you must stay away from that crusty sourdough, as much as you want to tear into it. For me, it may well be that sugar, caffeine, and too many starches are exacerbating my issues. I may also have formed a bit of an addiction to them, ESPECIALLY sugar! He explained to me that the way these foods are absorbed by the body can effect brain chemicals. I won't go into it, I probably wouldn't explain it very well. Suffice to say, they are absorbed differently and don't feed the brain as well once they get into the bloodstream. And they may well inhibit the production of things like Serotonin production, as well as leech calcium from the bones. I'm gonna be 41 this year, and I need all the calcium I can get. And Heaven knows I can't afford to lose anything else from my brain, lol!
The good thing is, there are plenty of carbs I can still eat. While I will try to avoid flour, I can can still eat beans, oatmeal, cassava, and, of course, non-starchy veggies. Will I miss my potatoes and corn? Oh, you betcha! But it's worth it to see if I can calm down and chill out.
I wouldn't be doing this if it were all about weight loss. But, I must say, there is a part of me that's thinking "Yeah! I'm gonna lose weight! I'm gonna get a SMOKIN' bod outta this!"
Well, maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm going to try to focus on feeling better, getting more sleep, and finally, FINALLY dealing with my anxiety/depression!!!!
Combining diet with therapy (using EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which I'm finding VERY helpful! It's all about changing reactions to stress.), I hope to become, if not a Zen master, at least more duck-like.
I LOVE ducks!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Can You Say STRESS?!?!?!?!
So I was looking at the photo I referenced in the previous post, and I realized that...
I look like my DAD!
Which isn't a BAD thing, y'know, excpet,
my dad was a DUDE, you know?
And I don't wanna look like a DUDE!
Right now I can picture him up there, sitting with Howard Zinn and Robert B. Parker, nursing a beer, and saying "What's so wrong about looking like your old man?"
And, I repeat, NOTHING.
Except, well, I'm a WOMAN.
And, truthfully? I don't think he'd be offended.
But I also realize something else: I am STRESSED beyond belief! This week, in particular, has been exceedingly difficult, and has led to not only overeating (and eating junk), but to a lot of yelling and cussing.
In front of my kids.
Which is NOT good!
And as I look back over the past few years, I see that my stress level has been consistently high, and I've been in denial. But this past week has really opened my eyes, and I need help. Help with the kids, with the housework, with managing my moods. I'm already in therapy, which is a good thing. But I need to be more honest with my therapist, and I can only do that if I'm truly honest with myself.
My kids are very forgiving. They don't hold a grudge. But yesterday, when I was yelling and cursing, I think I scared them a bit. And I always said I would NEVER make them feel that way!!!!!! And I certainly DO NOT want them to learn that kind of behavior, especially from me! If I can deal with things calmly, then they will learn to do the same.
For so LONG I have been focused on my weight. Which lets me defer the focus from where it belongs: on my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. It's time to buckle down, grow up, and deal with it once and for all. I may not like what I see when I look inside, but I like what I'm doing now even less. Sometimes I really don't like myself. And Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.
I'll figure it out. It won't always be pretty, but it's gotta be done.
So here goes.
I look like my DAD!
Which isn't a BAD thing, y'know, excpet,
my dad was a DUDE, you know?
And I don't wanna look like a DUDE!
Right now I can picture him up there, sitting with Howard Zinn and Robert B. Parker, nursing a beer, and saying "What's so wrong about looking like your old man?"
And, I repeat, NOTHING.
Except, well, I'm a WOMAN.
And, truthfully? I don't think he'd be offended.
But I also realize something else: I am STRESSED beyond belief! This week, in particular, has been exceedingly difficult, and has led to not only overeating (and eating junk), but to a lot of yelling and cussing.
In front of my kids.
Which is NOT good!
And as I look back over the past few years, I see that my stress level has been consistently high, and I've been in denial. But this past week has really opened my eyes, and I need help. Help with the kids, with the housework, with managing my moods. I'm already in therapy, which is a good thing. But I need to be more honest with my therapist, and I can only do that if I'm truly honest with myself.
My kids are very forgiving. They don't hold a grudge. But yesterday, when I was yelling and cursing, I think I scared them a bit. And I always said I would NEVER make them feel that way!!!!!! And I certainly DO NOT want them to learn that kind of behavior, especially from me! If I can deal with things calmly, then they will learn to do the same.
For so LONG I have been focused on my weight. Which lets me defer the focus from where it belongs: on my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. It's time to buckle down, grow up, and deal with it once and for all. I may not like what I see when I look inside, but I like what I'm doing now even less. Sometimes I really don't like myself. And Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.
I'll figure it out. It won't always be pretty, but it's gotta be done.
So here goes.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Richard Simmons
We all know him. You either love him or hate him, as it's hard to be indifferent to all that energy and all those sparkles. If you ever saw THAT clip of him on "Whose Line Is It Anyway" you probably fall into the former category.
I've always been a fan. When I was a kid, my friend's mom was on his program. She had the workout videos, the snacks, and the Deal-A-Meal. We'd walk into the house to find her Sweatin' to the Oldies, having a grand old time. And I was fascinated.
As I got older, he never seemed to age. And I started wondering why he kept showing up on "Letterman" when all Dave did was make fun of him. I finally realized; Dicky has a sense of humor! He doesn't take himself SERIOUSLY!!!!!! But he does take his WORK seriously, and he actually cares about us fatties. The ones the rest of our culture have deemed Too Useless To Live.
Last night I was watching Dr. Oz. (Seriously, I'm lusting after that man's brain! I mean, yeah, he's attractive, but he's SOOOOOO SMAAAAART!!!!!!!) And who should appear, but Richard Simmons!!!!! He's about to release his 59th workout DVD (!!!!!!) and was showing off some of his moves.
And you know what? It looked like FUN!
So today I went on his website, and he has two workouts that (sorry) jumped out at me: "Sweatin' to the 80's" and "Sweatin' to Broadway."
And my little heart went pitter-pat.
I can work out to SHOWTUNES?!?!?!?! Where has this DVD been all my life?
And, yeah, sure, once in a while an instructor at the gym might throw an 80's tune into the mix, but they're few and far between. But an ENTIRE workout set to synth-rock? Oh, I am THERE, BABY!!!!
I have to see if they have these at the library.
Because, while I kindamaybesorta enjoy my "Insanity" workouts, sometimes you just gotta mix it up. And I'm feeling too old and fat right now to be jumping around so much. Maybe I can do "Insanity" 2-3 days a week, plus other cardio, plus my yoga and Pilates. And I've missed my Spin classes. Wanna get back to those, too.
I guess I'm just not the kinda gal who can follow one prescribed program for too long. I get bored and don't get any results. Plus, I CAN'T do "Insanity" as prescribed AND teach 4 days a week! My legs will fall off! And sometimes ya just wanna have FUN doing your workout, rather than pray for it to be over.
Finally, this morning I had Hubby take a full-body picture of me in my workout clothes.
(Um. YIKES!!!!!)
I'm thinking of posting it.
It'll motivate me.
Or get me cast as "Tweedledum" in the "Alice In Wonderland" sequel, 'cause I'm kind of cute and round and cranky.
When will this week be over?
I've always been a fan. When I was a kid, my friend's mom was on his program. She had the workout videos, the snacks, and the Deal-A-Meal. We'd walk into the house to find her Sweatin' to the Oldies, having a grand old time. And I was fascinated.
As I got older, he never seemed to age. And I started wondering why he kept showing up on "Letterman" when all Dave did was make fun of him. I finally realized; Dicky has a sense of humor! He doesn't take himself SERIOUSLY!!!!!! But he does take his WORK seriously, and he actually cares about us fatties. The ones the rest of our culture have deemed Too Useless To Live.
Last night I was watching Dr. Oz. (Seriously, I'm lusting after that man's brain! I mean, yeah, he's attractive, but he's SOOOOOO SMAAAAART!!!!!!!) And who should appear, but Richard Simmons!!!!! He's about to release his 59th workout DVD (!!!!!!) and was showing off some of his moves.
And you know what? It looked like FUN!
So today I went on his website, and he has two workouts that (sorry) jumped out at me: "Sweatin' to the 80's" and "Sweatin' to Broadway."
And my little heart went pitter-pat.
I can work out to SHOWTUNES?!?!?!?! Where has this DVD been all my life?
And, yeah, sure, once in a while an instructor at the gym might throw an 80's tune into the mix, but they're few and far between. But an ENTIRE workout set to synth-rock? Oh, I am THERE, BABY!!!!
I have to see if they have these at the library.
Because, while I kindamaybesorta enjoy my "Insanity" workouts, sometimes you just gotta mix it up. And I'm feeling too old and fat right now to be jumping around so much. Maybe I can do "Insanity" 2-3 days a week, plus other cardio, plus my yoga and Pilates. And I've missed my Spin classes. Wanna get back to those, too.
I guess I'm just not the kinda gal who can follow one prescribed program for too long. I get bored and don't get any results. Plus, I CAN'T do "Insanity" as prescribed AND teach 4 days a week! My legs will fall off! And sometimes ya just wanna have FUN doing your workout, rather than pray for it to be over.
Finally, this morning I had Hubby take a full-body picture of me in my workout clothes.
(Um. YIKES!!!!!)
I'm thinking of posting it.
It'll motivate me.
Or get me cast as "Tweedledum" in the "Alice In Wonderland" sequel, 'cause I'm kind of cute and round and cranky.
When will this week be over?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Damn Right it's That Time of the Month, So Back the F*** Off!!!!!
Faux News is insisting that all the snow that's been falling is proof positive that global warming doesn't exist. Of course, every environmental scientist, including my brother-in-law, who literally spent years in Barrow Alaska, above the Arctic Circle, has been saying for years that this is precisely what would happen. But then, the folks at Fox never let a little thing like years of scientific evidence stop them.
Yesterday I had to drive a lot. And I was tailgated. A lot. In traffic. And at red lights. Yeah, THAT'S effective!
The Daily Beast should never, ever, ever, ever,ever,ever,ever let Lisa Hilton write another article for them. EVER! Check Leslie's blog entry from yesterday over at "The Weighting Game." She writes much more eloquently about it than I ever could.
Tomorrow I'm teaching Pilates from 7-9 AM, then getting re-certified in CPR. For 7 1/2 hours. WHY it takes 7 1/2 hours, I don't know; my initial certification took ONE hour.
My son and I both have a nagging cough, left over from The Cold (See previous post). It really s**ks.
And, to top it all off, THE KIDS ARE ON VACATION!!! FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK!!! AND MY IN-LAWS ARE STILL IN HAWAII!!!!!
HEEEELLLLPP!!!!!!!
It's gonna be a looong week.
Yesterday I had to drive a lot. And I was tailgated. A lot. In traffic. And at red lights. Yeah, THAT'S effective!
The Daily Beast should never, ever, ever, ever,ever,ever,ever let Lisa Hilton write another article for them. EVER! Check Leslie's blog entry from yesterday over at "The Weighting Game." She writes much more eloquently about it than I ever could.
Tomorrow I'm teaching Pilates from 7-9 AM, then getting re-certified in CPR. For 7 1/2 hours. WHY it takes 7 1/2 hours, I don't know; my initial certification took ONE hour.
My son and I both have a nagging cough, left over from The Cold (See previous post). It really s**ks.
And, to top it all off, THE KIDS ARE ON VACATION!!! FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK!!! AND MY IN-LAWS ARE STILL IN HAWAII!!!!!
HEEEELLLLPP!!!!!!!
It's gonna be a looong week.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Signs
Some very exciting things have been happening here. Other than the fact that we ALL have what seems to be the same cold.
Yeah. Not fun.
Well, let me just say that WG is starting to fade out the in-home therapy she has been getting for nearly 3 1/2 years. But this is good, because...
SHE'S GOING TO A NEW SCHOOL!!!!!
And not just ANY school, the Morgan Autism Center in San Jose!!!! One of the oldest schools in the country devoted solely to kids with special needs, mainly Autism (hence the name). AND, she could conceivably stay there until she's 22 years old! She'll get picked up at 7:15 AM (ugh, lol!) and brought home at 3:30 PM. And the best part?
OUR SCHOOL DISTRICT IS PAYING FOR IT!!!!
Because they recommended it. I'd never even heard of it. But last week I went down for an interview and to see the campus, and knew right away that this would be the PERFECT place for her.
The first sign was that the program director brings her dog to work. She is a 13-year-old retriever who loves everyone, and lets all the kids (and adults, too, more on that later) pet her.
When I saw the classroom, I found out that not only do they have assistive communication devices, but speech and occupational therapy are part of the everyday curriculum. Every student spends the entire day, other than snack, lunch, and recess, one-on-one with a teacher. All the teachers do 15-minute rotations with all the kids. Also, this school very rarely has any openings, so when this one came along, for a 6 year-old, I took it as another sign.
After I left, Hubby called and asked me to pick up a job application for an assisted-living complex in San Jose. Turns out it's 3 blocks from the school! When I went over, there was a cat and his human sitting outside. I pet the cat and chatted with the human (better than the other way around, right?), and it turns out that not only did he, the human, grow up near Boston, he knew my dad! Had, in fact, given him a lead on what turned out to be a HUGE news story!
Coincidence? I don't believe so. I have to wonder if Dad was up there pulling a few strings.
(A few other weird things: the school is right off of Santana Row, where my boss used to work, at the same club that owns the one we now work at. It's also near the Winchester Mystery house, which we took a tour of a few years ago when my parents were visiting.)
This past Thursday I brought WG to the school so she could spend an hour in class and see if it would be a good fit. I went to a nearby mall to get some coffee and calm my nerves. (I know, I know, trying to calm nerves with coffee is light trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid.) By the time I got back, they were ready to offer her the slot. And told me that not only could she start Monday, she could start taking the bus right away! She LOVED it there, and they fell in love with her.
Of course! I may be biased, but pretty much everyone falls in love with our kids.
The school caters to kids of all ages (and will even potty train WG!), but also has adult groups. I'm not sure EXACTLY what that entails (but also don't have to worry about it just yet). We're even thinking it might be a good place for LG when he starts middle school, if they have room.
We'll see.
Speaking of LG, Hubby took him to the rock climbing gym with his buddies on Friday night. And not only did LG climb, he sang WHILE he climbed! Then he took a shower and went into the sauna with the guys. With a towel wrapped around his waist, just like Daddy. He was a little startled at first, but then he settled in and started singing again, much to the amusement of everyone else in the sauna. (They only stayed 5 minutes. Don't want too much exposure, lol!)
SO that's the news from here. I've gotta go fill in a few thousand pages of paperwork to send with WG tomorrow. Have a good night!
P.S. Yeah! Go SAINTS!!!!!!!!
Yeah. Not fun.
Well, let me just say that WG is starting to fade out the in-home therapy she has been getting for nearly 3 1/2 years. But this is good, because...
SHE'S GOING TO A NEW SCHOOL!!!!!
And not just ANY school, the Morgan Autism Center in San Jose!!!! One of the oldest schools in the country devoted solely to kids with special needs, mainly Autism (hence the name). AND, she could conceivably stay there until she's 22 years old! She'll get picked up at 7:15 AM (ugh, lol!) and brought home at 3:30 PM. And the best part?
OUR SCHOOL DISTRICT IS PAYING FOR IT!!!!
Because they recommended it. I'd never even heard of it. But last week I went down for an interview and to see the campus, and knew right away that this would be the PERFECT place for her.
The first sign was that the program director brings her dog to work. She is a 13-year-old retriever who loves everyone, and lets all the kids (and adults, too, more on that later) pet her.
When I saw the classroom, I found out that not only do they have assistive communication devices, but speech and occupational therapy are part of the everyday curriculum. Every student spends the entire day, other than snack, lunch, and recess, one-on-one with a teacher. All the teachers do 15-minute rotations with all the kids. Also, this school very rarely has any openings, so when this one came along, for a 6 year-old, I took it as another sign.
After I left, Hubby called and asked me to pick up a job application for an assisted-living complex in San Jose. Turns out it's 3 blocks from the school! When I went over, there was a cat and his human sitting outside. I pet the cat and chatted with the human (better than the other way around, right?), and it turns out that not only did he, the human, grow up near Boston, he knew my dad! Had, in fact, given him a lead on what turned out to be a HUGE news story!
Coincidence? I don't believe so. I have to wonder if Dad was up there pulling a few strings.
(A few other weird things: the school is right off of Santana Row, where my boss used to work, at the same club that owns the one we now work at. It's also near the Winchester Mystery house, which we took a tour of a few years ago when my parents were visiting.)
This past Thursday I brought WG to the school so she could spend an hour in class and see if it would be a good fit. I went to a nearby mall to get some coffee and calm my nerves. (I know, I know, trying to calm nerves with coffee is light trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid.) By the time I got back, they were ready to offer her the slot. And told me that not only could she start Monday, she could start taking the bus right away! She LOVED it there, and they fell in love with her.
Of course! I may be biased, but pretty much everyone falls in love with our kids.
The school caters to kids of all ages (and will even potty train WG!), but also has adult groups. I'm not sure EXACTLY what that entails (but also don't have to worry about it just yet). We're even thinking it might be a good place for LG when he starts middle school, if they have room.
We'll see.
Speaking of LG, Hubby took him to the rock climbing gym with his buddies on Friday night. And not only did LG climb, he sang WHILE he climbed! Then he took a shower and went into the sauna with the guys. With a towel wrapped around his waist, just like Daddy. He was a little startled at first, but then he settled in and started singing again, much to the amusement of everyone else in the sauna. (They only stayed 5 minutes. Don't want too much exposure, lol!)
SO that's the news from here. I've gotta go fill in a few thousand pages of paperwork to send with WG tomorrow. Have a good night!
P.S. Yeah! Go SAINTS!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Misplaced Jealousy
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins, correct? And we all know what the green-eyed monster did to Othello and poor Desdemona! (Side note: Y'know how in "Othello" everyone keeps referring to him as "the Moor?" Well, someday I'm gonna direct a production that includes a rousing rendition of "Summer Nights" at the opening of the play, when Othi and Desi first show up, having just married. "Tell me, Moor, tell me, Moor was it love at first sight..." I know! Genius, right?)
Apparently there's a difference between envy and jealousy, which I never really understood. I guess envy is when someone has something you want, and jealousy is directed more toward a person in general.
Or something like that.
Anyway, I was thinking about jealousy this morning, for reasons still unknown. See, I've been known to be a wee bit insecure at certain times in my life. Which is kinda like saying the Grand Canyon is somewhat large. The fact is, up until fairly recently, I was a walking, talking bundle of exposed nerve endings. A powder keg of neuroses, ready to go off at the slightest hint of criticism. And I DID go off. Frequently.
I still have a boatload of insecurities, but whether through age, therapy, or the more-likely combination of both, I have calmed down considerably. I am much more able to count my blessings, and to be truly grateful for them.
Back in my 20's, truly the age of UNreason, I was so insanely jealous of so many people, and truly begrudged them their good fortune. It only got worse, of course, when I moved to L.A. and was a starving artist, trying desperately to make the world recognize my true genius. Oh how I hated the other women my age (and younger) who, IMHO, had only a smidgen of the talent I had, but were working because they looked better naked/slept with a producer/were the sister of the director. It was high school all over again: the popular girls got all the jobs and I was stuck in drama club, taking myself way too seriously as usual.
I remember reading an interview with Jennifer Aniston, who was about 27 or 28 at the time (as was I). During the interview, a car alarm went off, and kept going and going and going. Finally she said "OK, no one cares! Get a Lojack and be done with it!" And I thought, "Well, Miss Sitcom/budding movie star, not everyone gets paid $1 million per episode of a hit TV show, is engaged to the biggest movie star in the world (at the time), and some of us can barely afford gas, let alone a Lojack system!!!!!
I was SOOOOO MAD!!!!! At EVERYONE! I was consumed by jealousy. And the sad thing was, it wasn't even about wanting to work as an actress, it was to prove myself. To all the people I felt had "wronged" me in my life, whether they were acting teachers who didn't recognize my "brilliance," or kids in high school who didn't invite me to the cool parties, whatever. There was always some giant, looming, shadowy figure in my head who kept up a constant stream of negative chatter. I wanted those people to be jealous of ME. To turn on their TVs or go to the local megaplex and say "Holy cow! Is that ALYSSA?!?!?! Wow! She's a STAR!!!!!"
When I think about it now, it's pretty sad and pathetic. Especially since the people I was always so jealous of had problems of their own. Seriously, would I exchange my life for Jennifer Aniston's? Hell no! Don't get me wrong, she actually seems like a nice woman and I wish her well, but I don't want her life. I truly felt for her when the whole Brangelina thing went down. (I was Team Aniston all the way, 'cause Angelina, who should be lauded for her humanitarian work, does have a history of taking up with men who are already in relationships. Just my 2 cents.) Sure, maybe she makes out with Gerard Butler from time to time, but I get to mack on my hubby ALL the time, and he's hot!!!! I also don't have photographers following me, magazines making up stories about me, or writers in the New York Times calling me fat.
The sad fact is, I spent so much time and energy being jealous of people who, well, didn't really have such great lives. Whether famous or not, they all had some serious issues, and they're all HUMAN. When people say jealousy is a waste of time, I FINALLY get it!
When we look at someone, be it a celebrity, a reality star, or a neighbor, and we wish we had their lives, we usually don't really know what is truly going on in those lives, right? I may be jealous of my friend who has a nanny and a housekeeper, but she also has tons of stress at work that I don't have to deal with.
The fact is, I'm very grateful for the life I have, and quite proud of myself. As a mother, a teacher, a wife, and, most of all, as a person.
8 years ago I couldn't have even imagined feeling the way I do today. And that really is something to be thankful for!
Apparently there's a difference between envy and jealousy, which I never really understood. I guess envy is when someone has something you want, and jealousy is directed more toward a person in general.
Or something like that.
Anyway, I was thinking about jealousy this morning, for reasons still unknown. See, I've been known to be a wee bit insecure at certain times in my life. Which is kinda like saying the Grand Canyon is somewhat large. The fact is, up until fairly recently, I was a walking, talking bundle of exposed nerve endings. A powder keg of neuroses, ready to go off at the slightest hint of criticism. And I DID go off. Frequently.
I still have a boatload of insecurities, but whether through age, therapy, or the more-likely combination of both, I have calmed down considerably. I am much more able to count my blessings, and to be truly grateful for them.
Back in my 20's, truly the age of UNreason, I was so insanely jealous of so many people, and truly begrudged them their good fortune. It only got worse, of course, when I moved to L.A. and was a starving artist, trying desperately to make the world recognize my true genius. Oh how I hated the other women my age (and younger) who, IMHO, had only a smidgen of the talent I had, but were working because they looked better naked/slept with a producer/were the sister of the director. It was high school all over again: the popular girls got all the jobs and I was stuck in drama club, taking myself way too seriously as usual.
I remember reading an interview with Jennifer Aniston, who was about 27 or 28 at the time (as was I). During the interview, a car alarm went off, and kept going and going and going. Finally she said "OK, no one cares! Get a Lojack and be done with it!" And I thought, "Well, Miss Sitcom/budding movie star, not everyone gets paid $1 million per episode of a hit TV show, is engaged to the biggest movie star in the world (at the time), and some of us can barely afford gas, let alone a Lojack system!!!!!
I was SOOOOO MAD!!!!! At EVERYONE! I was consumed by jealousy. And the sad thing was, it wasn't even about wanting to work as an actress, it was to prove myself. To all the people I felt had "wronged" me in my life, whether they were acting teachers who didn't recognize my "brilliance," or kids in high school who didn't invite me to the cool parties, whatever. There was always some giant, looming, shadowy figure in my head who kept up a constant stream of negative chatter. I wanted those people to be jealous of ME. To turn on their TVs or go to the local megaplex and say "Holy cow! Is that ALYSSA?!?!?! Wow! She's a STAR!!!!!"
When I think about it now, it's pretty sad and pathetic. Especially since the people I was always so jealous of had problems of their own. Seriously, would I exchange my life for Jennifer Aniston's? Hell no! Don't get me wrong, she actually seems like a nice woman and I wish her well, but I don't want her life. I truly felt for her when the whole Brangelina thing went down. (I was Team Aniston all the way, 'cause Angelina, who should be lauded for her humanitarian work, does have a history of taking up with men who are already in relationships. Just my 2 cents.) Sure, maybe she makes out with Gerard Butler from time to time, but I get to mack on my hubby ALL the time, and he's hot!!!! I also don't have photographers following me, magazines making up stories about me, or writers in the New York Times calling me fat.
The sad fact is, I spent so much time and energy being jealous of people who, well, didn't really have such great lives. Whether famous or not, they all had some serious issues, and they're all HUMAN. When people say jealousy is a waste of time, I FINALLY get it!
When we look at someone, be it a celebrity, a reality star, or a neighbor, and we wish we had their lives, we usually don't really know what is truly going on in those lives, right? I may be jealous of my friend who has a nanny and a housekeeper, but she also has tons of stress at work that I don't have to deal with.
The fact is, I'm very grateful for the life I have, and quite proud of myself. As a mother, a teacher, a wife, and, most of all, as a person.
8 years ago I couldn't have even imagined feeling the way I do today. And that really is something to be thankful for!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Well, This is Depressing!
So it turns out that my anti-depressants may be responsible for nearly 20 of the 30 pounds I've put on in the past 4 1/2 years.
Yup.
I put on 12 pounds when we moved from L.A to the Bay Area. That weight held pretty steady until I went on the pills, at which point I put on another 18 pounds. And they. Have. Not. Budged.
In a way, it's kind of a relief. I've been doing everything "right" in terms of exercise and diet, and yet the weight keeps creeping up. I even had my thyroid tested, and it's normal.
But I'm also pi**ed off, because, apparently, the drug companies that make the pills have downplayed the weight-gain side effects, drastically under-reporting the number of people who experience significant weight gain while on anti-depressants because, of course, it would DISSUADE PEOPLE FROM SPENDING MONEY ON THEM!!!!! Interestingly enough, the rise in obesity figures coincides with the rise in prescriptions for anti-depressants. Coincidence? I don't think so!
Don't get me wrong, I think anti-depressants are generally a good thing. I'm not gonna go all Tom Cruise here and tell people living with depression to take their vitamins and snap out of it. But maybe we need to re-evaluate how they are prescribed, and to whom, and for how long. We are so quick to write a prescription and leave it at that, without much follow-up.
The other thing that gets me really steamed is that we are so quick to judge overweight and obese people as lazy, slothful, dirty, etc., and yet it may not even be their fault!!!! Judging ANYONE based on their appearance is heinous, but it is doubly so when they cannot help it! And now there are some in the psychiatric world who want to qualify obesity as a psychiatric condition, which will create even more of a catch-22. 'Cause how many obese patients will now be put on even higher doses of the very thing that may be responsible for making them obese in the first place?
I'm due for a check-up at my doctor's. I'm going to speak to him about this. I'm also very lucky in that he is a big proponent of NOT staying on anti-depressants forever, of talk therapy, and of other ways of dealing with depression. Particularly mild-to-moderate. He worries that we don't know what kind of effect these medications may have on the liver and endocrinal (sp?) system.
I have been on them for 2 years now. My life, and my attitude, has changed dramatically, mainly because of therapy. See, I've always seen anti-depressants, for me anyway, as akin to a pain reliever: if someone breaks their leg, you give them pain pills and, when they're ready, start them on physical therapy. You don't just hand 'em a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol and send them on their way! The pain pills are there to help with the rehabilitation, right? You take them so that you can buckle down and do the painful work that needs to be done.
So maybe it's time for me to wean off of them. To see how I do without them. Not just because of the weight, although it would be GREAT if the weight came off, but because I just think it's time. I was pondering it before I read about the side effects, and this seems like a sign.
And, seriously, drug companies need to GET REAL about weight gain being a side effect of prescription drugs! How many years have we been told that birth control pills don't cause weight gain, and yet how many women have experienced weight gain while on birth control?!?!? And then we blame ourselves!!!! That just SUCKS, man!
Personally, I'd like to see a shift in our perspective on health, from popping pills to changing our lives. It's so sad to see people, especially senior, on 12 different medications. I'd like to see us focus more on preventative medicine. I think we're starting to do that, but we have a looong way to go.
(And let me just give a shout-out to Fred, a senior Pilates client who, the other day, was showing off all the yoga poses he can do now! GO FRED!!!!!)
OK, stepping off my soap box now. I'm gonna go get ready to sub a Pilates mat class at Gold's gym. (Where many of the clients are seniors!)
Yup.
I put on 12 pounds when we moved from L.A to the Bay Area. That weight held pretty steady until I went on the pills, at which point I put on another 18 pounds. And they. Have. Not. Budged.
In a way, it's kind of a relief. I've been doing everything "right" in terms of exercise and diet, and yet the weight keeps creeping up. I even had my thyroid tested, and it's normal.
But I'm also pi**ed off, because, apparently, the drug companies that make the pills have downplayed the weight-gain side effects, drastically under-reporting the number of people who experience significant weight gain while on anti-depressants because, of course, it would DISSUADE PEOPLE FROM SPENDING MONEY ON THEM!!!!! Interestingly enough, the rise in obesity figures coincides with the rise in prescriptions for anti-depressants. Coincidence? I don't think so!
Don't get me wrong, I think anti-depressants are generally a good thing. I'm not gonna go all Tom Cruise here and tell people living with depression to take their vitamins and snap out of it. But maybe we need to re-evaluate how they are prescribed, and to whom, and for how long. We are so quick to write a prescription and leave it at that, without much follow-up.
The other thing that gets me really steamed is that we are so quick to judge overweight and obese people as lazy, slothful, dirty, etc., and yet it may not even be their fault!!!! Judging ANYONE based on their appearance is heinous, but it is doubly so when they cannot help it! And now there are some in the psychiatric world who want to qualify obesity as a psychiatric condition, which will create even more of a catch-22. 'Cause how many obese patients will now be put on even higher doses of the very thing that may be responsible for making them obese in the first place?
I'm due for a check-up at my doctor's. I'm going to speak to him about this. I'm also very lucky in that he is a big proponent of NOT staying on anti-depressants forever, of talk therapy, and of other ways of dealing with depression. Particularly mild-to-moderate. He worries that we don't know what kind of effect these medications may have on the liver and endocrinal (sp?) system.
I have been on them for 2 years now. My life, and my attitude, has changed dramatically, mainly because of therapy. See, I've always seen anti-depressants, for me anyway, as akin to a pain reliever: if someone breaks their leg, you give them pain pills and, when they're ready, start them on physical therapy. You don't just hand 'em a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol and send them on their way! The pain pills are there to help with the rehabilitation, right? You take them so that you can buckle down and do the painful work that needs to be done.
So maybe it's time for me to wean off of them. To see how I do without them. Not just because of the weight, although it would be GREAT if the weight came off, but because I just think it's time. I was pondering it before I read about the side effects, and this seems like a sign.
And, seriously, drug companies need to GET REAL about weight gain being a side effect of prescription drugs! How many years have we been told that birth control pills don't cause weight gain, and yet how many women have experienced weight gain while on birth control?!?!? And then we blame ourselves!!!! That just SUCKS, man!
Personally, I'd like to see a shift in our perspective on health, from popping pills to changing our lives. It's so sad to see people, especially senior, on 12 different medications. I'd like to see us focus more on preventative medicine. I think we're starting to do that, but we have a looong way to go.
(And let me just give a shout-out to Fred, a senior Pilates client who, the other day, was showing off all the yoga poses he can do now! GO FRED!!!!!)
OK, stepping off my soap box now. I'm gonna go get ready to sub a Pilates mat class at Gold's gym. (Where many of the clients are seniors!)
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