You Don't have To Read This; I'm Just Feeling Anxious

And need to write it down so I can CALM DOWN!!!!!!!
(I always love it when people yell at someone to calm down, lol! Like that's gonna help!)

I'm about to start my apprenticeship and my boss, who is a wonderful, sweet woman, is also a bit forgetful. (She has signed me up for a couple of time slots that I'm not available for, not checking the schedule first.) And it's not a huge deal. But I'm still feeling guilty for a whole bunch of things: not being available to sub as many classes as I could before, not being home with the kids as much, not being superwoman, not being able to be in 5 places at once, having a messy house and car, yada yada yada.

I just need to get over it. Once I start on Wednesday, I'll be fine.

An Unexpected Thing Happened In Burlingame

I went in for an interview this morning at a pilates studio in Burlingame, near where we live, for a Stott training program. (Stott is one of the biggest training programs for pilates in North America.) And came out with a PAID APPRENTICESHIP!!!!!! For the foreseeable future, I'll be teaching, taking classes, and observing (as well as being mentored by) other instructors, along with teaching my regular classes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also may have another class at Equinox.
Woo-hoo!

My husband and in-laws are really helping me out, as far as taking care of the kids.
And it's funny; I've sent the past 7 years being a SAHM, and now I'll be working about 25 hours a week.
I've run a gamut of emotions; panic, joy, fear, guilt, anxiety, you name it. But it's a great opportunity, and I'm going to learn a heck of a lot!!!!!!

And I start Wednesday.

Covered In Bodily Fluids (And Not The Good Kind!)

BOTH kids are sick. My daughter started sneezing and sniffling a couple of days ago. Then along came the fever, the copious amounts of nasal drainage, and the tears (which just kill me! Her little lower lip comes out and the tears start streaming and Mommy's heart just shatters). But after a long nap on Tuesday afternoon, and a good sleep that night, she was on the mend. Still snotty, but that we can deal with.
Last night, my son started the sniffling and sneezing. And a bit of crying (more heartbreak, as he's not a cryer!) And he couldn't sleep. Which meant Mommy and Daddy couldn't sleep. And then he threw up. On Daddy and the dog.
He finally fell asleep at about 4:45 am, and I had to get up at 5 to sub a 6 AM pilates class. Taught it, came home, and daughter started SOBBING! For 45 minutes! And clinging to me! I couldn't figure out what was going on! So Daddy took over while I crashed face-first on our son's bed (son was still sleeping in ours), and when I awoke, daughter had a nice BIG present for me in her pull-up. Poor thing had been constipated! So I cleaned her up and, MAN, was she happy! (And I don't blame her!)
Then her brother woke up and vomited again. It's funny, he's so calm while he pukes! Like, "Oh dear, here we go again. Ah well! BLAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"
(Side note: daughter just came over, plopped in my lap, threw her arms around me and rubbed her forehead against my face. How much do I LOVE that?!?!)
So, I'm off to sub another class. I'm taking over another teacher's classes while she's away, plus my own. She teaches, like, 12 classes a week! I have NO IDEA how she does it!!!!!!!! She could probably bench-press my minivan. With all of us inside it. Never mind that she weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet.
But I digress.
So, here's hoping my childrens' amazing little bodies push out all the crap in the next couple of days. And that Daddy and I can avoid the crap altogether. And we can start taking walks again after dinner, 'cause that's just plain FUN!!!!!
Have a great night, everyone!

That Crushing Sound You Hear is Just My Ego.

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days! Yesterday I subbed a reformer class. I asked the students how much experience they had, and was greeted with a chorus of "Oh, we're good, we've been at this a long time," etc. So, great! I figured I'd give them a more challenging class (as opposed to the version I teach my beginning students). Well, they did NOT seem happy. I kept saying "Is everyone OK? How are the springs? Are they too heavy?" And no one said anything. But the grunts, groans, and glares in my direction spoke volumes. So I eased up. But they were still unhappy. And, when I handed out the Magic Circles to work with, most of them had never used one before. So I introduced them to it. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I don't think they enjoyed the class. Which is a bummer, 'cause one of the great things about subbing is to subliminally advertise one's own classes. A "Hey, you like this? Well, I have a regular class on Fridays. Come check it out!" sort of thing.
Then I met the new group fitness director, who is very nice. But she told me that the club has a new policy when it comes to group reformer classes. Instead of a flat fee, we will now be paid according to the number of students we have. Which kinda sucks, because I've only had 1 or 2 students lately in my reformer class.
Yergh!
So, fast-forward to this morning, and I get an email from a different gym. I had subbed a class for 2 weeks, as they asked, and then figured the regular teacher would come back. Because that's what I was told. Well, it turns out I'M the regular teacher, except no one bothered to mention it! Apparently a bunch of people showed up for class last night, and there was no teacher! And I get an angry email from my boss telling me how disappointed the members were, that from now on I'll be teaching on a month-to-month "trial" basis, and that there are a lot of classes competing for space, and maybe there SHOULDN'T be a pilates class in that time slot, etc. So I sent an email back, containing her original request to SUB FOR TWO WEEKS.
Oy. (BTW, it even says that on the schedule: "Alyssa subbing.")
I understand that miscommunication happens. I also understand that this woman is REALLY BUSY, running the group exercise programs for two gyms, and probably thought she had given me the info. But I REALLY don't appreciate being made to feel unprofessional or flaky for something that was not at all my doing.
Finally, this afternoon, I was scheduled to sub another class (at the same gym where I subbed yesterday, for the same teacher), and NO ONE SHOWED. In my paranoid mind, I'm thinking that, somehow, the students yesterday told today's students not to show up 'cause I suck. I know that probably didn't happen, but, well, there's only so much one insecure-to-begin-with, brand-new pilates teacher can take, lol!
I'm just going to continue to go along my merry way, assuming that everything will turn out the way it should. The fact is, I get more and more folks in my mat classes (which, unlike reformer, don't cost extra) every week. All of the feedback that has gotten back to me has been extremely positive.
So there. take that, paranoia! Ththththppphhhttttttt!!!!!!

Guilty, Depressed and a Failure?

No, none of the above. But I was talking this morning (OK, with my therapist), and we were exploring my feelings about my weight gain. I said it makes me feel like I have failed. So I thought I'd come online and figure out what that's all about.
I've been reading a bunch of blogs this morning, and they have all dealt with body image issues. And I just saw a commercial in which a woman's thick, gooey mascara makes her a social outcast. It seems that, as women, if we are less than "perfect," we are failures. While watching the Miss Universe pageant (yes, I got sucked in! Ironically, I was watching "Hellboy" on cable at the same time!) I got to thinking about how much upkeep is involved for those poor girls! The hair, makeup, teeth whitening, nails, workouts, lack of food, walking practice, rehearsal, prepping, etc., etc., etc. And now poor Miss USA is being razzed for tripping on stage, because everyone who's pointing and laughing have, of course, NEVER made a mistake!
Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like a failure? I have a wonderful family. I'm raising two kids with Autism and, if I say so myself, doing a pretty good job so far. I have a job I love. I take care of myself and my family. I'm a nice person. I don't lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, or fall out of limos while not wearing underwear. Am I a failure because I don't have 6-pack abs after 2 kids? Or because I get pimples during PMS? Would having a "perfect" body make me a better person? Because, frankly, I look at some of these women who are "perfect"-looking, and I wouldn't switch places with them for anything. (*cough* Paris Hilton *cough*.)
Are we going to continue to let the bullies in our society dictate how we feel about ourselves (and each other)? For those of us who have graduated high school (some of us recently had 20-year reunions! Um, that we didn't go to. 'Cause they were in Massachusetts in November, and we live in California, and even if we could have afforded it and wanted to go, who the hell wants to leave California and go to Massachusetts in NOVEMBER?!?!?!), isn't it time we stand up and tell those bullies to fuck off? Finally? Maybe even with a good swift kick in their non-existent rear-ends?
So, anyone who tells me (or thinks) that I'm less worthy because of how I look can go screw themselves. They might as well; karmically, they're screwed anyway.

It's His Birthday! (July 14)

My son's, that is. He's 7 years old today, which is completely hard to believe! Wasn't he just a little guy, crawling around on the floor? Now he has a little sister (who will turn 5 in November?!?!) and is going into second grade.
Wow.
We're having a "Finding Nemo" themed party for him tonight, but this morning it's just the two of us, and I'm going to take him swimming.
I just have to say, he and his sister are two of the sweetest kids I know, and that's not just me being biased. He is so respectful of her (most of the time), and she loves everyone and they make everyone around them so happy

They're both so smart, and so funny and cute and such characters! I'm a lucky girl!!

Trying To Walk The Walk (And Getting Ready to Ride!)

Tomorrow is the LiveStrong Challenge in San Jose. I suppose I should be nervous about finishing the course, but I'm actually more nervous about the logistics: getting there on time (7:00 am-ugh!), parking, signing in, water, restrooms, and not getting lost at any point during the day. For someone with ZERO sense of direction, that's a biggie. (I get lost going to the bathroom.) Luckily, I have GPS on my new cell phone!
OK, so I'm working on the whole body-acceptance thing, and have been trying to take care of myself, eat better stuff, etc. I started including vegetarian, vegan and raw foods, but then PMS hit and out came the carnivore. Which is OK! Part of this whole process (I refuse to say "journey." Oh wait, I just said it.) is to allow myself to eat whatever I'm craving, as long as it is a physical craving and not an emotional one.
But, there's the whole weight gain (see post below). It's making me a little NUTS!!!!!! Which, I guess, is a little weird, because I believe in the Fat Acceptance movement, and I strongly believe that judging ourselves and other people based on how much we weigh and what we look like is incredibly damaging. I suppose I'm more accepting of others' than I am of myself. No, I'm not that generous, I'm just neurotic.
Finally, I tried a new anti-depressant, and went back to the old one after a few days of horrifying side-effects. When they say "if it ain't broke, don't fix it," maybe I should LISTEN!
OK, I'm off to listen to my new Journey CD.
( Dammit, I said it again!)