I have a tendency to grouse. A lot. In case you hadn't noticed, lol!
I'm always tired. There's never enough time, or money, or whatever. I'm too fat. I'm ugly. I'm undisciplined. Lazy. There's so much wrong with me! Wah!!!!
The truth is, I am none of those things. OK, chubby, but not the others. OK, well, tired and short on time and cash. But that's IT!
I'm certainly not undisciplined, and not lazy! I take care of my family AND I work. I have 2 degrees and am going for a very intense certification. I'm looking at going back to school, as well. I am interviewing left and right for even more work!
And one thing I am DEFINITELY NOT is a victim! I'm tired of seeing myself that way. A victim of an eating disorder, less-than stellar genes, a society that doesn't understand me, etc.
Gol-ly! Could I make it more about ME?!?!?! I don't think so!
See, I was filling out a survey about eating disorders, and I realized that I just don't want to identify myself that way anymore. Don't get me wrong; EDs are serious and often deadly, and the more awareness we have about them the better. It's sick and horrifying that so many women and men torture themselves, sometimes to death, this way. But I realize that, at this stage of my life, I can no longer identify myself as a victim of an ED. Because it keeps me in that place, in that out-of-control space where the only thing I felt I could do was either binge and purge or deny myself.
I am powerful. I have control over my life, my impulses, and myself. Food, or the lack of it, is not control for me, not anymore. It won't make me powerful, or strong, or happy. It's just food. Nourishment. I realize I have been asking an awful lot of food for as long as I can remember; to be my friend, my solace, my companion in my loneliness. I have also punished it, calling it "bad" and hating it for making me fat. And, like the worst of dysfunctional relationships, I keep coming back to it, expecting it to love me unconditionally no matter how I treat it.
Well, lately food has been letting me know what's up: it will no longer be my crutch. It does NOT love me unconditionally. In fact, oftentimes it gives me pain. Literally. Food is declaring that it will no longer be my enabler. It will be there for me when I truly need it, but it is cutting the emotional baggage cord.
Food is growing up.
And so am I.
There is so much in my life to be grateful for. I am SO blessed. It's time to start remembering that, and to stop with the "woe is me" crap, already.
So...there. Ha!
I'm a grownup!
Phphththbbbbtt!!!!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Chill, Man! (Er, Woman!)
Yesterday we took a drive, southbound, on the 1. The PCH. The good ol' Pacific Coast Highway, full of some of the most gorgeous scenery on the planet. We ended up at a favorite place of ours, a campsite called Costanoa. Now, this isn't just any old campsite, it's a fancy-schmancy campsite. We've never actually camped there, because it's actually quite pricey. AT least, I imagine it is. They don't list prices on their website (which is never a good sign, IMHO, if you're looking for cheap digs!) There is a lodge, some cabins, some yurts, and platforms upon which you can put your tent. Every one has an electrical outlet. There are very nice bathrooms, with showers and SAUNAS!, a garden, some horses to ride, a little playground, a restaurant, a lounge, a general store, and a FABULOUS view of the Pacific! (There's also an awesome cat who lives there.) We go and hang out, bring a picnic, hike, play at the park, and generally just enjoy the environment.
On the way there I was reading "Yoga Journal" and thinking, yet again, that I really NEED to do more yoga, meditate regularly, and manage my stress. And being in the environment I was in was also helpful. (Meditation is so much easier when your surrounded by nature, lol!)
I haven't been sleeping well. I worry all the time about everything. SO last night I did a guided meditation, and another, shorter one this morning. It really does help! Being in nature helps. I don't do enough to take care of myself. I used to think taking care of myself meant exercising like crazy, but it doesn't.
At all.
Working out is important to me, absolutely! But I'm starting to switch my focus from hardcore-"calorie-torching" exercises toward more mind-body. Yes, I will still ride my bike and lift weights, but yoga is important, too. Not so I can "melt away the fat," but to help me find the calm places, as well as my Self.I also checked my scarily-accurate horoscope last night, and it said "Survival lies in enlightened self-interest: Go the the beach. Pick flowers. Take bubble baths. Next month you'll feel like a different person." Yeah. It's getting kinda freaky!
OK, Confession time: Last week I joined Jenny Craig. 3 days later I canceled and got my money back. Because the food, while pretty tasty, was making me feel sick. (There's A LOT of gluten and dairy on the menu!)
Right after I joined, on the ride home, I started to cry. I think, actually no, I KNOW there was a BIG part of me that was already regretting my decision. And the next day, when I was doubled over with stomach pain, I knew I had gone down the wrong road.
I need to fix my LIFE, not just my weight. I'm FINALLY GETTING IT!
Part of that fixing is to let go of a lot of things. Preconceived ideas, news shows, other peoples' opinions. I know I've said this before, but I'm finally seeing how it all connects together. I'm learning to not want things I don't need, and to pick my battles.
I'm learning, FINALLY, to listen.
On the way there I was reading "Yoga Journal" and thinking, yet again, that I really NEED to do more yoga, meditate regularly, and manage my stress. And being in the environment I was in was also helpful. (Meditation is so much easier when your surrounded by nature, lol!)
I haven't been sleeping well. I worry all the time about everything. SO last night I did a guided meditation, and another, shorter one this morning. It really does help! Being in nature helps. I don't do enough to take care of myself. I used to think taking care of myself meant exercising like crazy, but it doesn't.
At all.
Working out is important to me, absolutely! But I'm starting to switch my focus from hardcore-"calorie-torching" exercises toward more mind-body. Yes, I will still ride my bike and lift weights, but yoga is important, too. Not so I can "melt away the fat," but to help me find the calm places, as well as my Self.I also checked my scarily-accurate horoscope last night, and it said "Survival lies in enlightened self-interest: Go the the beach. Pick flowers. Take bubble baths. Next month you'll feel like a different person." Yeah. It's getting kinda freaky!
OK, Confession time: Last week I joined Jenny Craig. 3 days later I canceled and got my money back. Because the food, while pretty tasty, was making me feel sick. (There's A LOT of gluten and dairy on the menu!)
Right after I joined, on the ride home, I started to cry. I think, actually no, I KNOW there was a BIG part of me that was already regretting my decision. And the next day, when I was doubled over with stomach pain, I knew I had gone down the wrong road.
I need to fix my LIFE, not just my weight. I'm FINALLY GETTING IT!
Part of that fixing is to let go of a lot of things. Preconceived ideas, news shows, other peoples' opinions. I know I've said this before, but I'm finally seeing how it all connects together. I'm learning to not want things I don't need, and to pick my battles.
I'm learning, FINALLY, to listen.
Friday, August 13, 2010
This Boat is Actually Pretty Crowded
I just watched a clip, posted on workoutmommy.com, of Stephanie Dolgoff, author of "My Formerly Hot Life." She's 42 (I believe) and writes about being not as young or as hot as she once was. And, boy, can I relate!
Now, my own hotness lasted for a total of MAYBE 5 years, so I'm not comparing myself to her in that sense. But she talks about her belly pooch that won't go away NO MATTER WHAT, the flabby triceps that no amount of weight training gets rid of, and goes on to say that if they made a bra for asses, she would totally buy one: "I would wear an ass bra."
Me, too, Ms. Dolgoff. Me too.
Which brings me back to the realization that, despite what Hollywood and legions of plastic surgeons would have us believe, we are NOT SUPPOSED to be "hot" our entire lives!!!! If we were, we would be! I'm not saying we should stop taking care of ourselves, but there's a big difference between taking care and starving ourselves into our teenage daughters' clothes!
Y'know what I think? I think we need to redefine what "hot" is! Why should it be something that only 2% of the population can achieve, and for only a few years during their lives? you know what's hot? A dad taking care of his kids, THAT'S hot! A gesture of kindness. A woman out having fun with her kids. A long-term couple out on a date. A person giving someone else flowers "just because."
Frankly, when I lived in Los Angeles, I knew a large number of conventionally hot, sexy people. Most of them were NO FUN to be around, believe you me! They were overly concerned about what to eat, so you couldn't go out for a meal with them. You couldn't talk to them, because their entire conversational skills revolved around their workouts and whether or not you would sleep with them if you were single. They tended to vacillate between insecurity and conceitedness. So, yes, they were nice to look at, but spending more than 5 minutes with them would drive you toward homicidal tendencies.
I remember seeing an interview with a so-called "relationship expert." This guy was in his 40's, had never been married, and was single. How the Hades that made him a relationship expert is beyond me, and if he were female they'd be calling him a "spinster", but I digress. He was quite good-looking, but 10 seconds into the interview it became abundantly clear WHY this guy was single! Can you say "narcissist?" 10 seconds!!!!! And THEN he was asked if he'd ever date a woman who had kids. His response? "Well, it would depend on whether or not she's been able to keep herself in shape." Not a single word about whether or not HE COULD GET ALONG WITH HER KID!!!!
So, WHY do we put so much emphasis on hotness? How is it that those of us who are less-than-stellar, looks-wise, still manage to get married and have happy families? Why do we equate beauty with morality? Why am I eating food that makes me feel sick but promises to help me lose weight? Is the suffering worth the weight loss?
And there are WAY more of us in the not-hot category than in the latter. I realize I'm STILL caught up in this mindset of "thinner = better life." But does it? DO I REALLY NEED to lose 45 pounds? Last time I was at that weight I was anorexic, fer Pete's sake! Wouldn't 30 do just as well? It would relieve the aches and get rid of the heartburn. Isn't that good enough? I've NEVER been comfortable in a bikini; why do I feel I have to strive for that NOW?!?!?!
Why are we so cowed by this ridiculous standard of beauty? As I said, there are more of us than there are of them, and we weight more. We could TOTALLY take them!
Or better yet, set them free from their self-made prison.
So this is me, setting MYSELF free. Yes, I want the 30 pounds I've gained gone. I want to be rid of the acid reflux and the back pain. I want to be around a LOOOOOONG time, and will do everything in my power to make that happen. But I will NOT try to re-shape myself into someone else's ridiculous ideal. I'm too old, too tired and, frankly, too busy for that crap.
I answer to myself.
Now, my own hotness lasted for a total of MAYBE 5 years, so I'm not comparing myself to her in that sense. But she talks about her belly pooch that won't go away NO MATTER WHAT, the flabby triceps that no amount of weight training gets rid of, and goes on to say that if they made a bra for asses, she would totally buy one: "I would wear an ass bra."
Me, too, Ms. Dolgoff. Me too.
Which brings me back to the realization that, despite what Hollywood and legions of plastic surgeons would have us believe, we are NOT SUPPOSED to be "hot" our entire lives!!!! If we were, we would be! I'm not saying we should stop taking care of ourselves, but there's a big difference between taking care and starving ourselves into our teenage daughters' clothes!
Y'know what I think? I think we need to redefine what "hot" is! Why should it be something that only 2% of the population can achieve, and for only a few years during their lives? you know what's hot? A dad taking care of his kids, THAT'S hot! A gesture of kindness. A woman out having fun with her kids. A long-term couple out on a date. A person giving someone else flowers "just because."
Frankly, when I lived in Los Angeles, I knew a large number of conventionally hot, sexy people. Most of them were NO FUN to be around, believe you me! They were overly concerned about what to eat, so you couldn't go out for a meal with them. You couldn't talk to them, because their entire conversational skills revolved around their workouts and whether or not you would sleep with them if you were single. They tended to vacillate between insecurity and conceitedness. So, yes, they were nice to look at, but spending more than 5 minutes with them would drive you toward homicidal tendencies.
I remember seeing an interview with a so-called "relationship expert." This guy was in his 40's, had never been married, and was single. How the Hades that made him a relationship expert is beyond me, and if he were female they'd be calling him a "spinster", but I digress. He was quite good-looking, but 10 seconds into the interview it became abundantly clear WHY this guy was single! Can you say "narcissist?" 10 seconds!!!!! And THEN he was asked if he'd ever date a woman who had kids. His response? "Well, it would depend on whether or not she's been able to keep herself in shape." Not a single word about whether or not HE COULD GET ALONG WITH HER KID!!!!
So, WHY do we put so much emphasis on hotness? How is it that those of us who are less-than-stellar, looks-wise, still manage to get married and have happy families? Why do we equate beauty with morality? Why am I eating food that makes me feel sick but promises to help me lose weight? Is the suffering worth the weight loss?
And there are WAY more of us in the not-hot category than in the latter. I realize I'm STILL caught up in this mindset of "thinner = better life." But does it? DO I REALLY NEED to lose 45 pounds? Last time I was at that weight I was anorexic, fer Pete's sake! Wouldn't 30 do just as well? It would relieve the aches and get rid of the heartburn. Isn't that good enough? I've NEVER been comfortable in a bikini; why do I feel I have to strive for that NOW?!?!?!
Why are we so cowed by this ridiculous standard of beauty? As I said, there are more of us than there are of them, and we weight more. We could TOTALLY take them!
Or better yet, set them free from their self-made prison.
So this is me, setting MYSELF free. Yes, I want the 30 pounds I've gained gone. I want to be rid of the acid reflux and the back pain. I want to be around a LOOOOOONG time, and will do everything in my power to make that happen. But I will NOT try to re-shape myself into someone else's ridiculous ideal. I'm too old, too tired and, frankly, too busy for that crap.
I answer to myself.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Kvetching
So just as my back is FINALLY starting to get better, I throw my, um, neck out. I suppose I just slept in an awkward position, but I woke up in pain yesterday, just in time to sub my first class at Crunch. So SOMETHING is going on with me! It's most likely part of this whole feel-your-emotions, let-go-of-crap stuff. I'm trying to remember if the right side of the body is connected to the left side of the brain or whatever. 'Cause I am DEFINITELY a right-brained kinda gal, lol!
Yesterday I kept thinking "I'm tired of being in PAIN!!!!!" I've been in some kind of pain for about 4 months. Something is DEFINITELY going on in my subconscious, manifesting itself as aches and pains. 'Cause I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm not a senior citizen yet, lol! I also think it's related to my weight. I never had these aches and pains when I was lighter. Or had acid reflux. Yeah, fun.
So then I wondered if I should go back to the dreaded Jenny Craig. That idea was immediately nixed because I can't afford it, I REALLY don't want to eat that food, and it doesn't last. Yes, the weight comes off quickly, but it comes back on once you go off the program. And I am NOT eating that crud for the rest of my life!
In the Geneen Roth online retreat she told us we need to prioritize. I need to figure out what is most important. Is it more immediate that I lose weight, or that I get my life back together? At the time I thought "Well, obviously, I want my life back! I want my SELF back. I don't want to live my life obsessed with food, calories, and weight." And that is still true.
But...
I also don't want my weight to hold me back. As I've said before, I'm tired of being the fat fitness instructor. I'm tired of having people walk out of my classes (like someone did yesterday, 40 minutes into it. I mean, really? Ya can't stick it out for the last 20 minutes? And it's not like she had an appointment, 'cause I saw her at the end of the class, and she wouldn't look me in the eye. Yeah, that's right honey; just keep walkin'! [Can you tell what time of the month it is?]), and having my classes canceled. I hate the way people do the not-so-indiscreet scan of my body when I tell them what I do for a living, followed by the look of disbelief. I KNOW I "shouldn't" let it get to me, but it does. A lifetime of body hatred isn't going to go away in a matter of months, and definitely not without a lot of hard work on my part.
But...
This time, when the weight comes off, I don't want it to be something that just sorta happens without my knowing how and why. And I REALLY don't want that dysmorphia I've had in the past where I'm thin but still think I'm heavier. When the weight comes off, I want the neuroses to go with it. And no amount of Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers is gonna do THAT.
So I guess I have my answer.
And I suppose this pain, physical and psychological, is part of the process, too. Like when a smoker quits, and they have to get rid of all that stuff that's built up in their lungs. Or any recovery process. I have to remind myself that it gets worse before it gets better. And that it WILL get better as long as I stick with the process. Going back to dieitng will only prolong the recovery.
And I REALLY DON'T want THAT!!!!!!!
So, every time someone walks out, or gives me that Look, or a class is canceled, I have to remember that it is ALL happening for a reason.
Kinda like what WG is going through. We've started her on time-outs, and it's a difficult process for all of us. Just like it was with LG a couple years ago. We need to keep reminding ourselves that even though she is nearly 7, for all intents and purposes she is basically an 18 month-old.
And the fact that her 2 front teeth are in the process of going out and coming in doesn't help her, poor thing!
So. Patience, kindness, and trust.
And the occasional freakout.
It'll be fine.
Right?
Yesterday I kept thinking "I'm tired of being in PAIN!!!!!" I've been in some kind of pain for about 4 months. Something is DEFINITELY going on in my subconscious, manifesting itself as aches and pains. 'Cause I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm not a senior citizen yet, lol! I also think it's related to my weight. I never had these aches and pains when I was lighter. Or had acid reflux. Yeah, fun.
So then I wondered if I should go back to the dreaded Jenny Craig. That idea was immediately nixed because I can't afford it, I REALLY don't want to eat that food, and it doesn't last. Yes, the weight comes off quickly, but it comes back on once you go off the program. And I am NOT eating that crud for the rest of my life!
In the Geneen Roth online retreat she told us we need to prioritize. I need to figure out what is most important. Is it more immediate that I lose weight, or that I get my life back together? At the time I thought "Well, obviously, I want my life back! I want my SELF back. I don't want to live my life obsessed with food, calories, and weight." And that is still true.
But...
I also don't want my weight to hold me back. As I've said before, I'm tired of being the fat fitness instructor. I'm tired of having people walk out of my classes (like someone did yesterday, 40 minutes into it. I mean, really? Ya can't stick it out for the last 20 minutes? And it's not like she had an appointment, 'cause I saw her at the end of the class, and she wouldn't look me in the eye. Yeah, that's right honey; just keep walkin'! [Can you tell what time of the month it is?]), and having my classes canceled. I hate the way people do the not-so-indiscreet scan of my body when I tell them what I do for a living, followed by the look of disbelief. I KNOW I "shouldn't" let it get to me, but it does. A lifetime of body hatred isn't going to go away in a matter of months, and definitely not without a lot of hard work on my part.
But...
This time, when the weight comes off, I don't want it to be something that just sorta happens without my knowing how and why. And I REALLY don't want that dysmorphia I've had in the past where I'm thin but still think I'm heavier. When the weight comes off, I want the neuroses to go with it. And no amount of Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers is gonna do THAT.
So I guess I have my answer.
And I suppose this pain, physical and psychological, is part of the process, too. Like when a smoker quits, and they have to get rid of all that stuff that's built up in their lungs. Or any recovery process. I have to remind myself that it gets worse before it gets better. And that it WILL get better as long as I stick with the process. Going back to dieitng will only prolong the recovery.
And I REALLY DON'T want THAT!!!!!!!
So, every time someone walks out, or gives me that Look, or a class is canceled, I have to remember that it is ALL happening for a reason.
Kinda like what WG is going through. We've started her on time-outs, and it's a difficult process for all of us. Just like it was with LG a couple years ago. We need to keep reminding ourselves that even though she is nearly 7, for all intents and purposes she is basically an 18 month-old.
And the fact that her 2 front teeth are in the process of going out and coming in doesn't help her, poor thing!
So. Patience, kindness, and trust.
And the occasional freakout.
It'll be fine.
Right?
Friday, August 6, 2010
I WILL Grow Up.
DO you know that song "I Won't Grow Up" from the stage musical of "Peter Pan?" I LOVED that song as a kid, and got to sing it onstage with my fellow 9 and 10 year-olds in our youth production of the show. It was my favorite part, lol!
Well, things change. I realized recently that I have been afraid to grow up. Because then there would be no one to blame if things didn't go as planned. It has led to a lot of procrastination on my part, in so many areas; a house full of clutter, bills not paid on time, paperwork undone, etc. Plus, I think my food issues are definitely related to my fear of responsibility.
But things have changed; yesterday I went to the dentist (woo-hoo!) and was able to pay my entire bill, myself, and it was a GREAT feeling. NOT putting on my credit card, NOT having to pay in installments, NOT having to worry about how and when the bill would be paid.
(I also found out that my teeth are in nowhere NEAR as bad a state as I had assumed, which is nice. It's also great to not feel guilty when those 1-800-DENTIST ads come on, lol!)
So as I lay awake at 4 AM (thank you AGAIN, PMS!), I started thinking about what I really want. Over the past few years I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want, but couldn't figure out what I DO want. Oh, I had PLENTY of ideas and dreams, never a problem for me, lol!
Because I'm a bit of a spaz, I have lots of great ideas but little knowledge of how to follow through sometimes. (I've often wondered if I'm a bit ADD.)
But there are some things I definitely know that I want: to be able to take care of my family without worrying, every month, if we'll have enough money to pay the bills, without robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have a steady, reliable income that pays for more than just the mortgage. To have, in a word, STABILITY.
I realize that these are tough times. Many people are out of work, a lot of folks can't pay their bills or feed their kids, but my instability is not just the fault of the economy. I have been too unstable for too long, and it is time to knuckle down.
A few years ago I had a dream to teach at a university. Not necessarily full-time, but one or two classes each semester. I let that dream go because there was so much competition for each job, and I felt (as usual) that I wasn't worthy. But a funny thing happened as I was sending out my resume to various theaters around town last week; I realized I have quite an extensive, and impressive, teaching resume! And now that I'm a bit older, I believe I'll be taken a bit more seriously. Unlike the time when I was subbing at Cal State Pomona for a semester, and the lady at the parking office gave me an undergraduate parking pass. I had to call the department and have them vouch for me, to let her know that yes, indeed, I was a faculty member. Good for my vanity, but not so much for my faculty street cred.
Granted, there aren't that many teaching jobs available at the university level right now, but if the economy ever recovers, there will be in the future.
I'm also pondering, again, drama therapy. I already have a Masters in drama, so it would mean going back to school for a counseling degree. One of my favorite people in the world, a man who'd been my mentor when I was young, works with people in a mental facility. He gives classes and directs plays, and at the end of every rehearsal he tells them "Do me a favor, don't kill yourself tonight. I don't want to have to re-cast your role." And they LOVE him for that! Because they know he actually cares deeply about them, and they need a little injection of humor now and again.
If I can combine my passions I think I'd be a very happy camper.( I still love teaching Pilates, and want to continue.) After all, don't we all want a career we enjoy AND can make a decent living at? If I can do that and maybe help some folks along the way, life will be even more satisfying.
It is finally, FINALLY, about what I want, and not about pleasing someone else, or trying to prove anything to anyone.
FINALLY!!!!!!!
Well, things change. I realized recently that I have been afraid to grow up. Because then there would be no one to blame if things didn't go as planned. It has led to a lot of procrastination on my part, in so many areas; a house full of clutter, bills not paid on time, paperwork undone, etc. Plus, I think my food issues are definitely related to my fear of responsibility.
But things have changed; yesterday I went to the dentist (woo-hoo!) and was able to pay my entire bill, myself, and it was a GREAT feeling. NOT putting on my credit card, NOT having to pay in installments, NOT having to worry about how and when the bill would be paid.
(I also found out that my teeth are in nowhere NEAR as bad a state as I had assumed, which is nice. It's also great to not feel guilty when those 1-800-DENTIST ads come on, lol!)
So as I lay awake at 4 AM (thank you AGAIN, PMS!), I started thinking about what I really want. Over the past few years I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want, but couldn't figure out what I DO want. Oh, I had PLENTY of ideas and dreams, never a problem for me, lol!
Because I'm a bit of a spaz, I have lots of great ideas but little knowledge of how to follow through sometimes. (I've often wondered if I'm a bit ADD.)
But there are some things I definitely know that I want: to be able to take care of my family without worrying, every month, if we'll have enough money to pay the bills, without robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have a steady, reliable income that pays for more than just the mortgage. To have, in a word, STABILITY.
I realize that these are tough times. Many people are out of work, a lot of folks can't pay their bills or feed their kids, but my instability is not just the fault of the economy. I have been too unstable for too long, and it is time to knuckle down.
A few years ago I had a dream to teach at a university. Not necessarily full-time, but one or two classes each semester. I let that dream go because there was so much competition for each job, and I felt (as usual) that I wasn't worthy. But a funny thing happened as I was sending out my resume to various theaters around town last week; I realized I have quite an extensive, and impressive, teaching resume! And now that I'm a bit older, I believe I'll be taken a bit more seriously. Unlike the time when I was subbing at Cal State Pomona for a semester, and the lady at the parking office gave me an undergraduate parking pass. I had to call the department and have them vouch for me, to let her know that yes, indeed, I was a faculty member. Good for my vanity, but not so much for my faculty street cred.
Granted, there aren't that many teaching jobs available at the university level right now, but if the economy ever recovers, there will be in the future.
I'm also pondering, again, drama therapy. I already have a Masters in drama, so it would mean going back to school for a counseling degree. One of my favorite people in the world, a man who'd been my mentor when I was young, works with people in a mental facility. He gives classes and directs plays, and at the end of every rehearsal he tells them "Do me a favor, don't kill yourself tonight. I don't want to have to re-cast your role." And they LOVE him for that! Because they know he actually cares deeply about them, and they need a little injection of humor now and again.
If I can combine my passions I think I'd be a very happy camper.( I still love teaching Pilates, and want to continue.) After all, don't we all want a career we enjoy AND can make a decent living at? If I can do that and maybe help some folks along the way, life will be even more satisfying.
It is finally, FINALLY, about what I want, and not about pleasing someone else, or trying to prove anything to anyone.
FINALLY!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Welcome to Crunch!
Yesterday I was hired as a sub (for the time being) at Crunch Gym!!!!! The Gold's Gym franchises where I used to sub have been bought out by Crunch, and I'm VERY excited! I may POSSIBLY have a class of my own at some point (fingers crossed), but in the meantime I am happy to be hired as a sub.
I'm also applying for jobs as a youth acting teacher. It's been a while, but I have a lot of experience, and I really miss it! There are a bunch of community, youth, and professional theaters here that are hiring teachers, and I'm gonna go for it. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even get to direct!
In other news, yesterday was the official first day of the 3-week vacation for both kids. I took them to the pool, where we stayed for 2 hours. Then they played on our front deck. And now WG is crying, so I must go see what is up.
OK. She's in a time out, which is pretty new for her. But she seems to get it. The great thing about a time out is that it's not just a punishment, it actually gives kids a few moments to decompress. Heck, I've been known to give MYSELF a time out now and again, when I'm about to blow my top, lol!
I've started doing "Slim in 6" and "Slim Series" again. I forget how much I enjoy those workouts when I don't do them for a while. And Debbie Siebers has a very nice personality, even as she's killing you, lol!
I'm losing pilates reformer clients at an alarming rate. I'm down to one reformer class a week, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it or not. I'll know more tomorrow. Part of me thinks I should just let it go. It'd be easier, schedule-wise if not wallet-wise. I'm also wondering if it's a sign; maybe I should focus more on my upcoming training, teach my mat classes, and try to get hired as an acting teacher. If I can combine personal pilates training with teaching acting, with a smattering of group pilates classes that I really enjoy, I'll be happy and we'll have a bit more cash when the bills show up.
Que sera sera. Worrying about it doesn't help the situation, right?
OK. Gotta go take the kids somewhere before they completely destroy the house.
And it's only Day Two!!!!!!!
I'm also applying for jobs as a youth acting teacher. It's been a while, but I have a lot of experience, and I really miss it! There are a bunch of community, youth, and professional theaters here that are hiring teachers, and I'm gonna go for it. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even get to direct!
In other news, yesterday was the official first day of the 3-week vacation for both kids. I took them to the pool, where we stayed for 2 hours. Then they played on our front deck. And now WG is crying, so I must go see what is up.
OK. She's in a time out, which is pretty new for her. But she seems to get it. The great thing about a time out is that it's not just a punishment, it actually gives kids a few moments to decompress. Heck, I've been known to give MYSELF a time out now and again, when I'm about to blow my top, lol!
I've started doing "Slim in 6" and "Slim Series" again. I forget how much I enjoy those workouts when I don't do them for a while. And Debbie Siebers has a very nice personality, even as she's killing you, lol!
I'm losing pilates reformer clients at an alarming rate. I'm down to one reformer class a week, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it or not. I'll know more tomorrow. Part of me thinks I should just let it go. It'd be easier, schedule-wise if not wallet-wise. I'm also wondering if it's a sign; maybe I should focus more on my upcoming training, teach my mat classes, and try to get hired as an acting teacher. If I can combine personal pilates training with teaching acting, with a smattering of group pilates classes that I really enjoy, I'll be happy and we'll have a bit more cash when the bills show up.
Que sera sera. Worrying about it doesn't help the situation, right?
OK. Gotta go take the kids somewhere before they completely destroy the house.
And it's only Day Two!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Now That I'm Older...
As of yesterday at 12:20 PM PST I am officially 41 years old. On my 40th birthday, most of my family was out of town, so the celebration was pretty low-key. I went to work in the morning, picked my mom up at the airport, then we all took the kids to the city to play at Crissy Field (and ended up in the Bay), then picked up some sushi on the way home.
So this year I wanted to do something REALLY special. Hubby, LG, WG, S-I-L, and Dog all got in the car and we drove to Yosemite. I hadn't been there in 7 years, and WG had NEVER been. (Unless you count the trip 7 years ago, when she was in utero. But she didn't really get to see the sights.)
We made really good time (3 1/2 hours from San Mateo the the West Entrance) and found a PERFECT spot near the river, in the shadow of El Capitan. We had the place almost entirely to ourselves, and we stayed for nearly 4 hours. LG cuddled with me in the hammock for a good amount of the time, while WG played in the cold but clean water. She even tried to get herself caught in the current, lol!
Dog, meanwhile, behaved like a puppy; she stalked the ducks who kept coming by for crumbs from our picnic, and managed to get HERself caught in the current (and needing to be rescued) quite a few times. She LOVES to swim, and it's freakin' ADORABLE to watch! She has these short little legs that have to work so hard...
(Of course, she's NOT a puppy, she's 12 years old. And has pretty much been asleep since 5:00 yesterday afternoon, with brief periods of lucidity in order to go out and take care of her business.)
We then drove to El Capitan Meadows, where we watched the climbers for a bit. If you haven't been to Yosemite, you MUST go! Pictures don't do it justice. Standing in the meadow, looking up at the largest piece of granite IN THE WORLD (3,000 feet!) really gives you a sense of perspective, lol! Add to that the fact that there are literally thousands of people milling around, from all parts of the world, and, I hate to sound goofy, but you get a feeling that is not attainable anywhere else. Yosemite is my husband's favorite place in the world, and I completely understand why.
We ended up buying an annual pass; the day pass was $20, and the annual is $40, so we figured what the heck, why not? We can go all year, as much as we want!
Yesterday's trip was just for the day. We got home at 9:30 at night. It was a perfect day all-around, and THE BEST birthday EVER (so far)!
It also made me realize that I need to do that more; get away from everything, even if it's only for one day. I tend to take myself a little too seriously sometimes (I know, SHOCKING! lol) and can easily get caught up in the day-to-day drek. Next 4th of July, when Hubby goes to Yosemite, we're all going with him! We'll take as many trips there as we can throughout the year, because it's important for us to get away, and it's important for the kids to see the natural world. As beautiful as San Francisco is, there is nothing to compare to Yosemite.
Hopefully, when the kids are older, we can get to other national parks; we've never been to Yellowstone or Glacier, for example. Or even Redwood, which is nearby!
We've also decided to go to Muir Woods in the next few weeks, which we've also never been to, despite the fact that it's so close.
Last week, as you may have guesses from my previous post, was a bit rough. Friday was the worst; I was in SUCH a mood, and everything seemed to be falling apart. But one day in Yosemite changed my perspective COMPLETELY. Just being able to relax, to breathe in that gorgeously clean air and wade in that clear water, to take in the majesty of half-dome and 3 brothers, and to see all the other folks, from all over the world, enjoying this beautiful piece of land, made me SO HAPPY! And then to see my family so excited and content, well, that was worth its weight in gold.
I've written before about how sometimes feeling my feelings absolutely sucks. Well, not this time, baby! This was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me? Oh, you betcha!!!!!!
So this year I wanted to do something REALLY special. Hubby, LG, WG, S-I-L, and Dog all got in the car and we drove to Yosemite. I hadn't been there in 7 years, and WG had NEVER been. (Unless you count the trip 7 years ago, when she was in utero. But she didn't really get to see the sights.)
We made really good time (3 1/2 hours from San Mateo the the West Entrance) and found a PERFECT spot near the river, in the shadow of El Capitan. We had the place almost entirely to ourselves, and we stayed for nearly 4 hours. LG cuddled with me in the hammock for a good amount of the time, while WG played in the cold but clean water. She even tried to get herself caught in the current, lol!
Dog, meanwhile, behaved like a puppy; she stalked the ducks who kept coming by for crumbs from our picnic, and managed to get HERself caught in the current (and needing to be rescued) quite a few times. She LOVES to swim, and it's freakin' ADORABLE to watch! She has these short little legs that have to work so hard...
(Of course, she's NOT a puppy, she's 12 years old. And has pretty much been asleep since 5:00 yesterday afternoon, with brief periods of lucidity in order to go out and take care of her business.)
We then drove to El Capitan Meadows, where we watched the climbers for a bit. If you haven't been to Yosemite, you MUST go! Pictures don't do it justice. Standing in the meadow, looking up at the largest piece of granite IN THE WORLD (3,000 feet!) really gives you a sense of perspective, lol! Add to that the fact that there are literally thousands of people milling around, from all parts of the world, and, I hate to sound goofy, but you get a feeling that is not attainable anywhere else. Yosemite is my husband's favorite place in the world, and I completely understand why.
We ended up buying an annual pass; the day pass was $20, and the annual is $40, so we figured what the heck, why not? We can go all year, as much as we want!
Yesterday's trip was just for the day. We got home at 9:30 at night. It was a perfect day all-around, and THE BEST birthday EVER (so far)!
It also made me realize that I need to do that more; get away from everything, even if it's only for one day. I tend to take myself a little too seriously sometimes (I know, SHOCKING! lol) and can easily get caught up in the day-to-day drek. Next 4th of July, when Hubby goes to Yosemite, we're all going with him! We'll take as many trips there as we can throughout the year, because it's important for us to get away, and it's important for the kids to see the natural world. As beautiful as San Francisco is, there is nothing to compare to Yosemite.
Hopefully, when the kids are older, we can get to other national parks; we've never been to Yellowstone or Glacier, for example. Or even Redwood, which is nearby!
We've also decided to go to Muir Woods in the next few weeks, which we've also never been to, despite the fact that it's so close.
Last week, as you may have guesses from my previous post, was a bit rough. Friday was the worst; I was in SUCH a mood, and everything seemed to be falling apart. But one day in Yosemite changed my perspective COMPLETELY. Just being able to relax, to breathe in that gorgeously clean air and wade in that clear water, to take in the majesty of half-dome and 3 brothers, and to see all the other folks, from all over the world, enjoying this beautiful piece of land, made me SO HAPPY! And then to see my family so excited and content, well, that was worth its weight in gold.
I've written before about how sometimes feeling my feelings absolutely sucks. Well, not this time, baby! This was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me? Oh, you betcha!!!!!!
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