Take a Deep Breath

Rollercoaster...of Love!

2012-02-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

OK, it's not of love, but I do love that song!
This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. We MIGHT have a buyer for the house. Which would be awesome, as a short sale is better than a foreclosure. I have been stressing myself out trying to get all the paperwork done for the kids' school transfer. Last night I shoveled pizza into my pie hole as quickly as is humanly possible. Which, as you can imagine, left me feeling not-so-good. Stomache ache, heartburn, and, this morning, a headache that felt like someone was jamming an ice pick into my left eye and then twirling it.

But looking back over the past few months (aside from last night), my eating has been pretty clean, and I'm certainly eating less than I was. I work out a lot. According to the conventional "Eat less move more" weight loss wisdom, I should be down by at least 10 or 15 pounds, probably more. But I'm only down 5.
So what's the problem?

My mortal enemies: stress and guilt. And Shame! I wrap myself up in knots to the point where it wouldn't matter if I wired my jaw shut, superglued my lips together and refused an IV. I STILL wouldn't lose weight! (Well, at least until I started decomposing after dying of dehydration. But that's beside the point. And kinda morbid.)
Because until I deal with my emotional crap, I could do everything "right" (and have!!!!!!) and the weight wouldn't budge.
But I'm still feeling better when I eat the stuff that agrees with me and avoid the stuff that doesn't. When I pay attention to and enjoy my food, rather than try to stuff down my anger and sadness with it.
I've known this for a while, but it's been reinforced. And I'm finally learning how to feed and nourish myself, physically and otherwise.
As I write this I'm listening to Robyn Hitchcock on Spotify. Right now "I Feel Beautiful" is playing. ("I walk through the tomatoes and I think of you. No one's ever watered me the way you do." Love him!!!!) And the funny thing is, I actually do!
For whatever reason, I came home this afternoon, turned on some music and have been feeling lovely and, yes, even a bit hot, ever since. I'm not entirely sure why, but I LIKE it!
Gonna try and keep this feeling going.

I'm hooked on a feelin'...

And The Universe, Once Again, Strikes Back. With a Two-by-Four

2012-02-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

Because I DON'T LISTEN!
Soon after writing my last post I threw my back out.
Which, I'm realizing, only happens when I'm stressed out.
So I did NOT teach my class, and did NOT get to go ice skating.
I stayed home and focused on standing up straight. And poked at the knot I've discovered on the right side of my lower back.
Hey, gotta entertain my self somehow!
It's feeling much better. By Saturday I was able to teach again and even do a bit of rollerblading with LG.
On Monday I went to a yoga class with my favorite teacher at a sweet little studio in Menlo Park. Starting the week with an Anusara class is PERFECT!!!!! I won't get to go next week, as I'm subbing another class, but this Monday morning class will be on my agenda whenever possible.

Went to my weight loss center yesterday & we talked about stress. She gave me a great tip: instead of focusing on and worrying about all the things I can't control, I can try just asking G-d & the Universe for the outcome that is best for all of us.
SO much easier, lol!!!!!!!!!
And it's kinda nice to expand that to include EVERYONE. As in, the entire population of earth. And whatever other planets may hold life. 'Cause ya never know.

Tonight we're meeting with a realtor who's going to try and get us a short sale rather than a foreclosure. Kinda last minute, but it would be better! And maybe even buy us a little extra time. This changing-school-districts-in-the-middle-of-the-year-as-opposed-to-over-the-summer-thing is so COMPLICATED!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of "Real Housewives of San Mateo County." Except instead of wearing Prada and knocking over restaurant tables I'm just kvetching and crying and walking around in a general state of confusion.

And not sleeping.
WG graced us with another 3 AM concert today. This time it was on her doggie guitar instead of her keyboard.
I have to remember to hide them both once she falls asleep.
But then, she'll probably start wandering around. A least with the concerts she says in her bed.
Hmmm.....

In the meantime, I'll be sending most of the day cleaning and getting rid of more stuff. Which is hugely liberating.
Um, the getting rid of stuff part, not the cleaning.
I mean, let's face it: if housework were liberating we wouldn't have had the Feminist Movement! Am I right or am I right?
(Personally I think we need Feminism 2.0 right about now. But I'm not gonna get political today. Trying to keep calm, and politics is REALLY BAD for that! I'll think about kittens, instead.
Awwww! Kitties!!!!!)

Going back to the, er, back: It's also (yet) another reminder that exercising A LOT isn't always a great idea. Doing a HIIT or Tabata workout followed by strength training or Pilates isn't gonna get the job done. It's only gonna stress out me AND my joints.
And it's exhausting, to boot!

Finally, I'm working on changing my perspective in a lot of ways. Instead of focusing on how tired I am all the time, maybe giving some thought to how lucky and blessed I am. And to all the things I'm able to do. Instead of thinking of myself as old, fat and ugly, realizing I am, in fact, still young, just a bit chubby, and pretty darn cute!

Finally, realizing that I make things a whole lot harder than they need to be. If I can let go and trust, life will play out as it's meant to. I have lots of entities looking out for me and mine. Maybe I can trust them a bit more.

OK. Off to start cleaning.
Woo-hoo!
Have a great day!

Live With Intention

2012-02-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Every day, every MOMENT, there is a choice. I can choose to be anxious, or to feel guilty, or to skip a tough workout, or to make myself feel badly if I'm too tired to do those tabatas. I can choose to eat when I'm not hungry, or to honor my body's signals. I can choose to swallow my anger/sadness/opinions so that someone else, usually someone who has no qualms voicing THEIR opinions and feelings, will not be uncomfortable.
And it does seem that the more ignorant the opinion, the louder its voiced. I can choose to remember that.

I need to remember that almost everything IS a choice. That whatever I obsess over-er-CHOOSE to focus on will be the outcome. If I keep telling myself I CAN'T lose weight, well, then,I'm going to sabotage all my hard work and, guess what: I'll be correct! If I stay in panic mode over all the things that have to get done in the next month, and all the stuff that MIGHT go wrong after we move, well, I'll keep procrastinating, stuff won't get done, and I'll give myself an ulcer.

This morning Hubby told me that there's no way his job at the VA will be made permanent. So he basically has 18 months to find another one. My first instinct, surprise, surprise, was to panic and start shrieking, in my head, that I HAVE TO FIND A JOB RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! One beyond the part-time job I already have. Then I started wondering how the hell I'm supposed to work full time AND take care of the kids. Then I got pissed, assuming that I, once again, would have to take on more and more until I was drowning in responsibility.
Until I got a text from Hubby (at work), telling me of some local places that are looking for admin assistants, and that he's going to update his resume and start sending it out. Which forced me to take a step back and wonder why,once again,I assume the worst. Why did I ASSUME he was going to be out of work again for a long time? Or that he would do a half-assed job of looking for work?
Because I always assume that I shouldn't expect the best of people, even the ones I love and who love me. It's my automatic, go-to response.
And that sucks! It does a HUGE disservice to my loved ones, and makes life sorta hellish.

When I first started teaching, I realized that the higher the bar I set for the students, the higher they would reach. And I think that translates here: expect the best, and you'll often get it. Especially from yourself. Not the snooty, cashmere-wearing, Grey Poupon-eating, "I only settle for the best" kind of thing, but the opposite of what I do now: That fatalistic, cute-when-Eeyore-does-it-but-annoying-in-everyone-else pessimism.

Finally, I'm realizing that, as I get older, PMS presents less ans less as hormone-induced weepiness and more hormone-induced rage. Which actually feels pretty good: kind of a Xena-Warrior-Princess-esque-don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-mess-YOU-up deal.

And on that note, I'm gonna go try and have a nap. Teaching a class later, followed by ice skating with the fam. Have a great day!

Whew!

2012-01-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

OK, both kids are back in school, I've taken 2 yoga classes this week, and I just downloaded an Tabata MP3, which I will do later today, before my Pilates class.
The past couple of days have been a bit stressful. It turns out that switching school districts in the middle of the year involves not only a ton of paperwork, but I have to plead with the school board to let my son stay in his current class for the last 3 months of school.
And there's still no guarantee that WG will be able to continue at HER school. But if there's an issue there, we're hiring a lawyer, because she is THRIVING.
The biggest problem is that no one in either district is returning my phone calls and emails, and everyone is assuming I know what the proper procedure is for all of this. How the hell would I know?!?!?! Thank goodness for the (current) school secretary. When I drop LG off she's always willing to answer whatever questions I have. I owe her big time!!!!!!
Of course, with all the mishugas, I've been doing some stress eating. Including stuff like pizza, which not only doesn't get rid of the stressors, it gives me a stomach ache.
Oy vey.
But it's a process, right?
That's what I keep repeating to myself.
Plus, I'm hoping some Tabata drills will help me burn off some of this frustration!

On a completely different topic, "Doctor Who" is currently between seasons, and I'm filing the void with old episodes of "Law & Order" (the original). And some new ones. But mainly many of the episodes I missed in the 90's when I was either working at the theater company or in grad school.
Like many of my generation, I've had a crush on Sam Waterston for nearly 30 years. I was lucky to see him onstage a couple of times when I lived in New York, and he's one of my favorite actors. He Played "King Lear" a few months back, and I so wish I could have seen it!
Which has got my brain up and running (OK, more like mall-walking) again on the track its been on for the past few months. The subject I've been beating you all over the head with: teaching. Specifically, teaching voice. This morning I heard back from my friend at the previously-mentioned theater company, and I WILL be helping out the weekend he's teaching his workshop here. I'm SO excited!!!!!!
More that that, I can feel change coming on. In a good way. That sense of a part of me waking up that I mentioned last time? It's getting stronger, and I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.
And, to tie it back to my body issues, I really believe that they're strongly tied to all of this.Getting away from other peoples' expectations and all the "shoulds" and doing things out of guilt, and finding what I'm meant to be doing. Aside from being my kids' mom, which, I believe, was fated. :)

Finally, yesterday in yoga class it hit me that I was there as a student, not an instructor. When the teacher gave me an adjustment, those old self-critical voices (yes, the Noisy Nattering Chipmunks) started up, but another voice came in and said "It's OK. You're not teaching this class. It's OK to be the student once in a while."
And THAT shut the chipmunks right up, let me tell ya!
It was awfully nice.
I really like that voice.
I think I'll listen to it more often.

Le Sigh

2012-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

So the 49ers won't be at the Superbowl this year.
But the Pats WILL, so that's good!
I don't follow football regularly, but I hope the Pats kick Giant patootie!!!!!!!

LG was home sick on Thursday & Friday, and it looks like WG is getting his cold. Who says kids don't share?

The workouts are going well. The Tabata/HIIT drills suck, but they're over quickly. They're not as intense as they might be for some, but they're killing me, lol!
I'm combining those with my Slim in 6 workouts, along with yoga and,of course, my Pilates classes. And this past week I subbed a class called "Pilates Beam." It's a little padded balance beam-like object that you stand and lie on to do the exercises. It forces your core to work harder, since you have to balance. I taught it in the evening at Crunch, and it was really fun! Being there at that time reminded me of my younger days, when I went to the gym in the evening with all the other 20-somethings, the music was loud, and people checked each other out A LOT. OK, so I wasn't always crazy about that last bit, but it was a nice change of pace.

The veg diet is going well. I have a bit more energy and less brain fog, so that's nice. :) It's also forcing me to be a bit more creative with my meal preparation. I don't always want to eat a block of tofu and a salad, after all. Also getting fewer headaches, stomach aches, and reflux.

I'm also doing a bit more creative stuff. Writing (for fun), getting ready to audition for an improv company, and I just found out the Shakespeare company I used to work with will be in town for a weekend training and I'm hoping to be able to volunteer at it. There also seem to be a few more teaching jobs available, as the economy creeps back up.
I've been hearing for some time now that if you open yourself up to possibilities, they will appear. Could that be what's happening? Maybe, since I'm no longer taking jobs because I feel I HAVE to for the money, the job I WANT will show up? That'd be great!

Not that it would stop me from bi*#*ing about it, lol!

Anyway, it's now Monday and WG is home from school. She probably could have gone, but just to be on the safe side we kept her home today.
Which means I GET HER ALL TO MYSELF FOR 6 HOURS, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate when the kids are sick, but I LOVE it when they're feeling better and we can hang out, one-on-one. There's so little time for that, usually.Tomorrow they'll both be back in school and life will go back to it's regular schedule.

All in all, I feel like a part of me that's been sleeping is waking up. The creative part, perhaps. It's good, it needed a nice long nap. Poor thing was tired, overworked, under-appreciated, and wanted a vacation. Well, it's been 9 years, and it's back: tanned, rested, and ready to go!

Groovy.

Aaaaaahhhh!!!!! Part Deux

2012-01-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

After taking a week of staycation, I went with Hubby & the kids to Yosemite again. This time we stayed at a hotel for two nights, met up with some friends, and were very active. We went on some hikes and got to skate on Tenaya Lake. Folks were calling it a once-in-a-lifetime experience: Touolome is at 8500 feet, so the roads up to it are usually closed in the winter due to all the ice and snow. This year, however, it's been unseasonably warm and we've had very little precipitation, so the roads are open. And there's enough ice on the lake to skate, although you can hear the water moving underneath (a really funky pinging sound) and also hear the ice cracking in the shallow areas. A little scary, but SOOOOOOOO fun!!!! I hadn't been skating on a lake since I was a kid, and now we got to share it with OUR kids.
It was also pretty cool, and kinda freaky, to stand in the middle of the lake and look out at the area where we were swimming during our camping trip over Labor Day.
We got home at 1:00 yesterday, so there was time to rest, unpack, and get ready for the week. I'm feeling MUCH calmer, much better. I will just have to remember that 2 /12 years without a vacation AND working 6 jobs, along with taking care of the kids, is a bit too much for my sanity, lol!

I also just got back from a visit at the weight loss center and, good news, we're going veggie again. I'd been adding in more animal protein to clean up my diet (I'd been eating A LOT of carbs and not digesting them well). But the weight hasn't been coming off. So she suggested that maybe I'm having trouble digesting all that chicken :) and we'll try some plant proteins instead.
Which makes me REALLY happy, lol!
I'll still eat eggs, but no dairy (unfortunately I think I just cannot digest it). I'm hoping that I'll not only lose the weight (finally), but will have a lot of energy.

So we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you posted, if you're interested. :)

Fingers crossed!

Time to Bite the Bullet

2012-01-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

And add some Tabata to my workouts. Gotta get my heart in shape, and I've been reading that these types of workouts can also help protect the body from the effects of things like chronic stress.
Not that I have THAT.
(Looks around, whistling and not making eye contact...)
And, let's face it, I'm DESPERATE to get this *&^%$#@-ing weight off! Now that my diet is more under control and I'm feeling better, I really want to lose weight. And since I'm already working out 7 hours a week, I don't care to add more hourlong cardio workouts to my schedule.

And the thing is, when I look at photos of myself, I don't recognize me. Who is that rotund person? It makes me sad that I feel this way, but it also makes me sad to see myself this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and it's not happy-jolly weight! It's stress and fear and shutting myself up. It's loss and feeling out of control, and not in a good way! That horrible feeling of having no say in what direction my life goes. Which, I realize, is not really true. But I'm so used to giving up my voice, my opinions, and my power to others that is has become my "normal."
And,of course, the more out-of-control I feel, the more tightly I hold on to things that I cannot control at all, that no one can: others' reactions, the economy, the outcome of elections, what happens to my kids when they're at school, etc. etc.
That's what eating disorders are about, after all: control. Those of us who feel powerless, or who are perfectionists, or (quite often) both will either try to have mastery over our appetites or turn to food for friendship.
I get lonely, so I go to the grocery store, or sometimes the bookstore (although less of that since I got my Kindle). Before the kids came along, I'd go to the gym, ALL THE TIME, due to that loneliness. But now I either have to go someplace I can take them, or I just don't go to the gym because I work there and REALLY don't feel like spending my free time there as well, thankyouverymuch.
And, of course, it's no coincidence that I gained 20 pounds after my dad died. 20 pounds which I have yet to lose, added to the 10 I'd already put on when we moved here.
So it's not about calories in/calories out,or whether I drink my coffee black or with a bit of creamer. It's about what's going on inside me. What is it that makes me feel broken, and how can I fix it?

This morning, as I was putting WG on her bus, a neighbor walked by carrying his toddler. Probably about 18 months old. And I got a pang. I was waving my daughter off and she seemed sad. I just wanted to go after the bus, take her off, and keep her home. I also wanted to go back in time for a few minutes and hold MY toddlers! Because they're growing up way too fast, and I guess I was feeling left behind.
I had LG just before I turned 32, and WG 2 years later. My 30's, as I mentioned in my last post, are a blur. I barely remember them. It's like a lost decade. And I suppose I feel a bit cheated: I was too tired to enjoy them, lol!

I suppose I'm feeling a bit depressed these days. And I just have to feel it. The only way out of the quagmire is to keep slogging through.

And to know that it's not gonna kill me.

Why Wait?

2012-01-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

In less than 8 years, which will go by quickly, I'm gonna be 50. When I first met Hubby, his mom was 52. Which doesn't seem possible. Because we just met a couple of years ago, right?
My 20's were a sometimes-excruciating voyage of discovery. In those 10 years I finished college, traveled and performed in the U.K., became a professional actor and teacher, moved across the country, completed my Masters, met my husband, moved to L.A to pursue my career, went through 2 eating disorders and therapy to help, and we bought our first home (a condo).
My 30's are a bit of a blur: we got married, had 2 kids, bought an actual house, and then another. Those kids were diagnosed with autism and started school. We moved to San Francisco, I became a Pilates teacher, and lost my dad.
Now, 2 years into my 40's, I'm reassessing and finding out what's most important.
While I no longer think of 50 as old, it does make me wonder about the things I've accomplished and what I still want to do. The older I get, the less the latter has to do with outside stuff: I'm not trying to be a millionaire, or buy a sports car, win an Oscar, etc. I DO want to learn to REALLY relax, be at peace with myself, and take good care of my family.
And get a good teaching job at the university level. Preferably tenure-rack, but at his point I'll take what I can get.

Life goes by so quickly. I may have already lived more than half of mine already, and much of it has been spent in fear, guilt, or simply trying to disappear. Which makes me so incredibly sad! Part of me thinks I have wasted years of this wonderful gift, while another part of me remembers that I used the tools I had in order to survive. Now I have better tools, and it's time to use them.

I used to teach voice classes. Not singing, but for the stage. I worked with a number of teenage girls in my classes. I like to think I helped them FIND their voice. And I'd like to do that again.

I lost my own for a while, but I'm finding it again.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

Party animals that we are, Hubby and I fell asleep at 10:00 last night. I'd set my alarm for midnight, so we could wish each other Happy New year, which came out more like "Rphynyooozzzzzz..."
This morning I took a shower with my yummy-smelling bath stuff (thank you, post-holiday sales, for sweet-smelling bath products and VERY cheap shoes!), then went to a yoga class. A VERY crowded yoga class. At which I missed shavasana because I had a coughing fit and had to leave the room, so I hung out by the pool (the class was at the Equinox where I used to work). Then I went to Philz Coffee (BEST coffee in the world!), then a little walk, and home. Took a quick bike ride, too.
Tomorrow we're taking a day trip to Yosemite. Where, apparently, it'll be 61 degrees. Not exactly the snow-covered winter wonderland it normally is this time of year.
Which is just fine with me, lol!
I'm also on vacation this week. My classes are covered and I'm gonna chill as much as possible. The kids go back to school Tuesday, and I'll start packing things up, donating others, and throwing away yet more. Then I'll be back to my classes, apply for a part-time teaching job a UC Santa Cruz, and get the kids ready to move.

Oh, and tomorrow is our 11th wedding anniversary. (May 6th will mark 17 years together, which doesn't really seem possible. How can we be THAT old?!?!?!)

Happy 2012, everyone!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

2011-12-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

We don't do the whole Santa-Claus-Christmas-Morning thing. The kids don't really understand the concept, and my in-laws have never made a huge deal out of it (Hubby never had a tree growing up). Which is kind of a relief: we get a few small gifts and have a nice dinner.
Today, however, Hubby's parents went to Vegas, so Hubby and I (and my mom) went back to Stinson Beach, where we'd had so much fun on Thanksgiving. And we brought the dog this time, to let her run around and play with the other pups. And we had a GREAT time, again!
We started with a picnic, then went to the playground. WG started to fuss a bit, so we went to the beach, where she immediately cheered up. LG made a run for the water, but it was a bit too cold, even for him. And the dog? She got so excited she pooped (which was immediately cleaned up and disposed of), then proceeded to run around like a puppy rather than the arthritic 13 year-old she is. (She's now sound asleep on her ergonimically-supportive dog bed, where she'll probably stay for the next 3 days).
We then came home, where I proceeded to slave for many minutes heating up food traditional foodstuffs bought at Whole Foods the other day.
Plus some spaghetti for the kids.
And then we watched the "Doctor Who" Christmas special. Which I thought was merely sweet and charming until the last few minutes, when I started getting weepy.
"Humany-woomaney."
So now we're all relaxing in various ways, and I can truthfully say this has been the best Christmas I can remember.

I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday, whichever one(s) you celebrate (if any).

Just Say It!

2011-12-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

People aren't mind readers. You get back what you put out there, good or bad, right or wrong. After years and years of letting fear hold me back from asking for what I need, I have reached my limit. I truly believe that internalizing everything for 40 + years is the root cause of my anxiety, weight/food issues, self-esteem problems and depression. (And even occasional indigestion, lol!)
I agonize over stuff, envision worst-case scenarios, rehearse difficult conversations in my mind, and then find out that all the stuff I was worried about simply doesn't exist.
This morning I discovered that what I see as one of my least-favorite traits is what draws others to me. They actually LIKE that about me! Who knew?!?!?!
And that when I express my fears/needs/wants, the people who love me don't, in fact, run away screaming or act as if I've asked for their left ear. Quite the opposite: they give me a hug and tell me they'll give me whatever I need. And if they've done something that has upset me, they don't lash out and blame me, or tell me I'm being too sensitive. They apologize!!!!!
I'm a bit stunned.

But there's been a transformation happening recently. Inside me. A shift in attitude. A lot of my old beliefs are starting to drop away, and that's a GREAT thing! All the negative crap that was multiplied when I moved to L.A is finally, FINALLY, getting left behind and replaced with new, kinder thoughts.
Most of the time.
It's a process.

And speaking of processes, we're speeding up the process of moving: we received notice that on or around February 29th (it's a leap year!) our house will be auctioned off, after which we will have 10 days to vacate. So we want to be ready before then.
I almost said our "home" will be auctioned off. But, really, it's the place we currently live. Our HOME is wherever we are together.
Sure, we've lived here for 5 1/2 years, but we moved many times before this. And it wasn't meant to be our "forever" house. When we bought it, we figured we'd live here for a couple of years, sell it, and buy a single-family home. But then the market tanked, the economy went south, Hubby lost his job, our mortgage went up, and the bank refused to even consider a refi. So now they will sell it for far less than it is worth, while we go live in a beautiful house with our extended family. We are truly, TRULY blessed.
And, hopefully, whoever buys this house will enjoy it and have a good life here.
And, yes, the closer we get to the foreclosure, the more I'm convinced it's happening for a reason. Many reasons, in fact. Some are becoming clear now, but others won't materialize until later. One good thing: getting rid of a lot of crap. I have books sitting in boxes in the garage that have been in those same boxes for 6 or 7 years. They're all going to the library. I kept them because I enjoyed them. but they're not currently being enjoyed by ANYONE right now! Books are meant to be read! If they go to the library, they'll be enjoyed by many. I feel kinda badly that they've been sitting untouched for so long!
There's all this other stuff we don't use. But maybe other people WILL use it. So we're donating it.
The rest of it will be thrown away or, even better, recycled.
Because we don't need all this STUFF!!!!! We can live much more simply than we currently do.
And that'll be a huge relief.

Keepin' it Clean

2011-12-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

My food, that is. Not my language. And certainly not my house! Oy!
I've been on a slow process of eliminating certain foods from my diet & seeing how I feel. The latest are 2 of my faves, bread and cheese. And darn it if I don't feel better without them! I suppose my days of toasted sharp cheddar on freshly baked sourdough are, well, not finished, but limited.
And you know what? It's OK! Because it will be a treat from now on. Which will make it special, and I'll appreciate it more. Like my beloved white-chocolate-with-whip mochas or dark chocolate salted caramels. Eat (or drink) too many and they become boring (and my dental bills go through the roof!), but save them for a once-in-a-while treat and I will savor every bite/sip. And maybe avoid dentures in the future.

There are times I feel deprived, but I have to look at the big picture: like IE and Geneen Roth point out, this is about feeding, loving, and nurturing my WHOLE self, as well as my body. If there are things I like but they don't serve me, am I really treating myself? Certain foods are like bad ex-boyfriends: the ones who were gorgeous and great kissers but treated you like garbage. Or maybe weren't so bad, but you just weren't right together. Cheese is my personal "Brokeback Mountain:" for the longest time I just didn't know how to quit it.

And I need to keep reminding myself that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING. (Remember the post about ducks ruling the world if I were in charge of it all? Yup. Still hasn't happened.) I do what I can to the best of my ability, and that's all I or any of us can do.

Remember that Simon & Garfunkel song "Slow down, you move too fast?" Yeah, that's been running (or, um, strolling) through my head lately. Every time I start feeling guilty for not doing more, I sing it and remind myself I just finished a completely CRAZY few months in which I was completely overwhelmed & overextended. And I'm not doing anyone any favors if I keep that up. My kids certainly deserve more from me.

And then there's faith. That things, for the most part, happen for a reason, and the Universe will take care of me and mine if I let go and let it.
Which is a whole lot easier said than done, lol! I'm holding on to my illusion of control by my fingertips!

So we'll see how it goes. I'll let you know!

Drama Mamas

2011-12-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I was out...
The other day I drove to the beach and went for a nice walk. Which turned into a power walk when, suddenly, I REALLY had to pee, and the nearest restroom was oh-so far away.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the restroom: after petting some nice doggies and enjoying the view, I noticed some familiar-looking sights: teamsters carrying lighting equipment, catering trucks, honey wagons... I'd wandered onto a film set!!!!!!
To be honest, I started getting butterflies, and not the good kind. You may know that for a long time I did work as a background actor in L.A. What they call "extras." The people in a scene who don't speak, but make a scene more realistic by being there. They're the people in the background, hence the name, lol!
It's not a bad gig, and pays pretty well if you're in the union. But it's also a bit of a lottery: some sets are wonderful and the extras are treated well, while others...not so much. And even if the folks on set treat you well, the casting agencies are pretty awful. They know there are thousands of actors willing to do the work, so they don't have to treat any of those actors respectfully. Basically, you take what you get & be grateful, 'cause there's always someone willing to take your place.
So I put my head down, kept walking, and focused on my personal pot o' gold, the public restroom. And after I did my business and could think of something other than "gottapeegottapeagottapeaHOLYCRABCAKESIGOTTAPEE," I remembered that this particular movie is called "Of Men and Mavericks," which is a true, sad story about a young surfer named Jay Moriarity. (And Mavericks is a famous beach for surfers in Half Moon Bay, where I was walking.) And the star, who plays his mentor, is Gerard Butler. I don't know about you, but I'm quite the fan, especially after "Phantom of the Opera." So I took a little look-see around (just with my eyes: I didn't snoop, honest!) for him, but he wasn't around. I think they were setting up for a night shoot. Seeing as it was 1:00 in the afternoon, they probably wouldn't start filming until 4 or 5. So I continued on my merry way, empty of bladder and full of contentment to be on the beach on such a gorgeous day.

Two days later (also known as "yesterday") I was dragged into a different drama. Have I mentioned that there's some unhappiness among some of the other moms of kids in my son's class? The classroom move was a result of that. Unfortunately it didn't end there.
I understand the concerns, although I don't share them. Maybe because my son has been with this teacher for 4 years and she has worked wonders with him. Plus, he adores her and the feeling is mutual. I also consider her a friend, so maybe I've become a bit biased. However, I also believe that I am as entitled to my feelings and opinions as they are of theirs, even if I'm not as vocal about it.
Anyway, I got an email saying these parents would be meeting with the (new, this year) principal that morning. I had an appointment so I couldn't go. Which was a good thing: I've decided I'm NOT going to get involved. I did write an email to the principal today, letting her know that I support the teacher and her team. (I hope it helped; the teacher was scheduled to meet with the principal this afternoon.)
There's one person who is leading the charge. She's a great mom and a former special ed teacher, and she has very strong opinions about how a classroom should be run. They're all great moms and lovely people, and I really like them all. We go out for coffee once in a while, and we have a great time. But I don't agree with how the situation is being handled. To be fair,one of the moms has spoken with the teacher and told her of her concerns, which is how all of this should have been handled, IMO. But it's starting to resemble a Queen Bee situation, and I cannot get behind that. Especially when it's affecting the classroom environment and all the teachers' ability to teach.
It's all very upsetting, for everyone. And there's a part of me that wants to say "If you're THAT unhappy, explore other options!"
But that would only add to the drama and, I'm sure, make life more difficult all around.
Sometimes it's best to pick one's battles.

So I'll do what I can. And may have to avoid going out for coffee for a bit. Yeah, it sucks, but I REALLY want to save my sanity.

Speaking of which,my second group of students did their show yesterday. They got hit with a collective case of the giggles in the middle of it, which only added to the fun, if you ask me. They were great!!!!!!
And now I'm down from 6 jobs to 3. Which is a heck of a lot more manageable, lol!

OK. Off to have a dance party with my kids!

Decisions, Decisions...

2011-12-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

Follow my 20 year-old dream of becoming a Designated Linklater voice teacher? Try to start my own Shakespeare company? Take on a comprehensive Pilates teacher training, at a steep discount, and learn all the equipment I haven't trained on yet? Go back to studying Krav Maga?
The options may seem endless, but, alas, the financial and physical resources are not. Add the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and I'd like to spend at least a few of them with my family and, y'know, sleeping, and I have some decisions to make.
I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with my life. I have an opportunity to take that comprehensive Pilates training, and it's a REALLY good deal. And since Pilates is where most of my income is from at the moment, it would seem like a no-brainer. However I may not have the necessary child care available. And I'm starting to ask myself if I want to continue teaching Pilates for the next however-many years. I mean, I CAN, but is it what I want?
I honestly don't know. I enjoy it, but it's not my number one passion. So I could combine it with other things, right? Kinda like I'm doing now, but maybe in a way that's a little less... spastic?
And let's be real; the whole start-my-own-theater-company thing isn't gonna happen anytime in the near future. Not with the economy the way it is, and with my kids as young as they are. I've already decided that going back to school for drama therapy also isn't feasible right now.
But...
I took a 2-hour Anusara yoga workshop today and it was WONDERFUL! There was a moment, after the fiirst hour, when the teacher said "just remind yourself why you're here today." And it made me think of acting: why I fell in love with it, when I enjoyed it most, and why I STOPPED loving it (when I was doing it for the wrong reasons, in a place that didn't value the craft or the talent required). We were also focused on our breath, which made me think of all the breath work we did at the Shakespeare Company I used to work at. It was there that I realized how important the breath is to performing. Not just to be heard, but for EVERYTHING. The moment you stop breathing on stage, everything stops. It's no longer in the moment. It becomes effort-ful, self-conscious, and false.
Oh, and you put yourself in danger of passing out.
Kinda like life!
I also remembered how much I enjoyed not only learning HOW to breathe, but teaching it to other students and actors. And I was really good at it. But after grad school, when I had the opportunity to work with a master teacher toward my goal of becoming a designated instructor, I backed off.
For a number of reasons, many of them good ones. She wanted me to work with her full-time, which I couldn't do. I had to pay my rent, after all. I also wanted to pursue my acting career, which wouldn't have been possible. And frankly, she scared the crap out of me! She's a brilliant, intimidating person!
Then, of course, the kids came along, I became a full-time SAHM, and everything else went to the back burner.
Now I live in an are where there are no master teachers. I could, in theory, fly down to L.A. or San Diego and work with one. It would take time and money, but what doesn't? It's also something I can potentially do until I keel over. AND, it would give me a skill above and beyond all the other MFA-holders applying for jobs at the university level.
And the fact is, I can't work full-time right now, so maybe it's the perfect time to focus on training and getting designated. Especially since we'll be moving out and paying rent, as opposed to a mortgage.
So, what to do?

Lots to think about. Decisions to be made.
Stay tuned...

Signs?

2011-12-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

This morning I was a grump. A whiner. Annoyed. PMS-ing. Tired. Grouchy.
Oscar had NUTHIN' on me!
I was in Peet's Coffee waiting for my soy latte, and I saw a woman with her little boy. And for a moment I missed having my kids at home, their being that young.
And then I got over it.
After all, there I was at the coffee place by myself, able to go to work, run errands, etc. without carting around 14 tons of Toddler Stuff.
But still, looking at that little guy...
I saw them again later, but this time the woman's dad was with her. And because my emotions are so close to the surface this time of month, I started crying, thinking about my dad taking my son to the zoo when LG was a REALLY li'l guy. About 10 minutes later, the song "Isn't She Lovely" came on the radio. The one Stevie Wonder wrote for his newborn daughter. It was one of my favorite songs as a kid, and I still love it. And I got the feeling it was a message from my dad. Just telling me that everything's OK and he's still around, even if we can't see him. And that he has a front seat to the kids' lives.

Then I went to my appointment at the weight loss center, and my coach was telling me some things I needed to hear. Not "You need to cut down your carbs and walk more," but "You, like all of us, are perfect just as you are. You don't need to try to get it 'right' or worry about what anyone else thinks. Take care of yourself, and try to give yourself a break. Enjoy your food. Don't worry about calories, just think about how, every time you eat, you're nourishing yourself."

Pretty damn cool.

So I'm feeling less grumpy. Enough to enjoy the warm weather (warm enough for a tank top!) and the foliage. Enough to maybe take the kids to the pool, which is still open thanks to the warmth.

OK. I'm gonna workout and get ready for the kids' return. Have a GREAT weekend, everyone!

Grrrrr....

2011-11-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

You don't know me. I don't know you. Our kids go to the same school.
Maybe you were just trying to be helpful.
Maybe you WEREN'T being judgmental when I told you that, no, we did not sell any cookie dough for the school fundraiser. The fundraiser that, despite our non-participation, still managed to exceed its goal by $3,000.

So maybe it makes me a bad School Mom. Maybe I don't have Puma Spirit. But I'm certainly not sending my autistic 10 year-old out to sell cookie dough, and no one in our family can eat it. His grandfather had a triple bypass last year, his aunt is pregnant and trying to keep herself and the baby as healthy as possible. His other grandmother lives 3,000 miles away. I cannot sell cookie dough at the gym, to my Pilates clients, nor can my husband sell it at the hospital where he works. Maybe we can make a donation to the school, we'll have to see where we are once the bills are paid.

And again, maybe you were just trying to be helpful and NOT trying to make me feel badly. But I have to wonder why you didn't bring it up with any of the other (many) parents, parents of "typical" kids, who also weren't carting tubs of cookie dough around as they left the school. Why did you zero in on me?

It's possible I'm blowing this out of proportion. I do that. Like, 1,000 times a day (and, yes, it IS exhausting). You have no way of knowing that I take everything personally, or that I'm in the throes of a raging case of PMS, or that I'd had one of THOSE mornings. You don't know about my 2 autistic kids, my 6 jobs, and my pending foreclosure. You have no way of knowing that selling cookie dough is WAAAAAAAAY down on the list of my priorities.

Sorry.

But, really, and with respect, please leave me alone.

Phew!

2011-11-26T20:14:00.000-08:00

We had our Thanksgiving early this ear: my S-I-L, her husband, and their son were in town (from Hawaii) but had to leave on Wednesday, so we had our big wing-ding on Sunday. On Saturday, we took a hike near the Sutros Baths and had lunch at the Cliff House (my first time there). It was SO fun! And a bunch of other family came in from Sacramento on Sunday, so that was nice.
I took a walk after the meal. I needed to help my digestion along and REALLY needed a bit of quiet and fresh air. I didn't eat a huge amount, just some things I haven't had in a while. Like gravy and chocolate chip banana bread.
Which gave me trouble the next day.
Ahem.
At first I was worried that it was actually stomach flu, but as the day went on I started feeling better. But I canceled my class, just in case.

TMI? Sorry!

Tuesday I picked up the backdrop for the little urchins' play, picked my son up, then picked up my in-laws, who were sans car for the day and watching the kids (and getting WG off her bus) so I could go to work. It was the last day for that class, and the performance. When I got to the school I realized I didn't have leaves for the actors playing trees, so I went to gather some. Right next to the school there's a house with a paddock, and a very friendly horse who hangs out there. He saw me and walked right over. I thought he wanted to say hello, but it turns out he wanted my leaves.
Which I discovered too late.
After he ate the leaves, he tried to eat the buttons off my shirt. Then he gave me a nuzzle and let me snuggle him a bit.
I finally found more leaves, and went back to the school, where 3 parents had shown up to help me set up (thank you)! Too bad the backdrop wasn't in the bag with all the poles. Ah, well. We still had a curtain. And the show went quite well. Everyone helped me clean up afterwards, and I was able to leave a bit earlier than usual. And, I got my iPhone!!!!!! Which I LOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday I got mad at Hubby, and spent most of the morning that way. But there was a potluck at LG's school, and that was nice. In the evening, Hubby & I talked, and all was well. Then I went to teach my class.
Thursday was AMAZING! We left in the morning to pick up the in-laws, then headed out to an oyster farm in northern Marin, near Point Reyes. Thanks to my tiny bladder, we stopped at the visitors' center and ended u spending some time there. There's a museum and such stuff. We made plans to camp there in the spring. After the oyster farm we decided to visit Stinson Beach, a really cool coastal town (that used to have a Shakespeare Festival) and let the kids play at a park, where I met a speech pathologist who told me her son's class was fully integrated with both autistic and typical kids. Pretty cool! Everyone was so mellow and friendly. Even the dogs were friendly.
After the park we went to the beach, where dozens of dogs ran free (including one chasing a low-flying seagull, which was hilarious! That bird was TOTALLY taunting the dog!) We hung out there for a couple of hours, running back and forth, before heading home for dinner with the in-laws. And another quick walk for me.
I think we've created a new Thanksgiving tradition: why slave over a hot stove all day when we can go to the beach and have a picnic? We don't have to have turkey et al.
Oh, and I want to live in Stinson Beach.
Friday was mellow: Hubby was at work, the kids were home,and I was SO TIRED! Like, couldn't-keep-my-eyes-open tired. I actually fell asleep TWICE. Luckily the kids didn't do TOO much damage while I was out.

Today: Ah, today! I was a bit grumpy when I woke, still tired, grousing about having to teach a class which, let's be honest, probably no one would show up to on a Saturday morning after Thanksgiving. However, 15 people DID show up, and we had a grand time! Then it was time for my appointment at the weight loss center and a quick walk to get some coffee (soy lattes with stevia are my new obsession. But it has to be at Peet's, because Starbucks used sweetened soy milk, and it's not as good). Home for lunch, then off to the park with the family.
We brought LG's bike and his and my rollerblades. WG rode the bike to the park with Hubby assisting. LG did the same once we got there, for a while. Then it was on with the rollerblades. Let me tell ya, LG is a GREAT trainer: ever time I tried to slow down he'd say "Catch me!" and off we went. For about an hour. So between the class, the rollerblading, and walking to and from the park, I got a nice workout in today, lol!

We ordered some sushi for dinner and watched "Cars 2."
Now I'm listening to "Selected Shorts" on NPR.

All in all, a good week.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

xoxoxoxox

Opening to Grace

2011-11-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

This is a phrase used often in the Anusara yoga class I take. Most of the time I use it as a physical cue to relax my shoulders when moving from one pose into another. Of course, there's more to it than that, and I'm finally getting it.
As you probably know, I don't subscribe to one particular religion. I believe that G-d has presented Himself to us in a number of ways, and continues to do so. I was raised sort-of Jewish, with some Catholicism thrown in the mix. Being the nosy-er-curious sort, so I've learned bits here and there about other religions and spiritual practices, as well. I've been lucky enough to have been able to attend services at many different churches, temples, etc.
But despite all of that, it's taken me a REALLY long time to understand what grace truly is.

What I'm discovering is that G-d has been trying to show me my path for quite a while now, and I simply haven't been paying attention. Being the perfectionist control freak that I am, I have spent years trying to please others, not realizing that it was completely unnecessary. Because He loves us all, regardless.

And He's given us these bodies to house us. Ourselves, the true Self. The part of us which is connected to everything and everyone else. So when I abuse my body, I'm abusing not just my physical self, but my spirit and my connection to everyone and everything. I'm cutting myself off from grace, rather than opening to it. When I focus on the worst-case scenario, or the end result of an action, how can I see other possibilities?

I remember watching a documentary about the Holocaust. A survivor spoke of standing in the camp one evening, watching the sunset. One of the other prisoners said "How beautiful the world could be."
If someone in a concentration camp has the ability to see the wonder and beauty of life, what is my excuse for not doing so? Back in September, when we were in Yosemite, I got to see a glimpse of what the world must have looked like before human came along. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to strip down, give away all my earthly possessions and go skipping off to live in a cave. I'm WAY too fond of running water and central heating. But there is SO MUCH in the world that I fail to notice because I've got my nose to the proverbial grindstone, or I'm worrying over What Happens Next.

Can I let go of outcomes? Am I able to focus on doing my part and then letting what happens, happen? Can I focus less on guilt and more on love?
These are my goals.

To appreciate what I have, and, yes, be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Step Away From the Pizza

2011-11-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

Not because its pure cheesy, greasy, carb-y goodness is too tempting. Not because it's "bad."
I'm sitting here in front of a pizza I made for the kids. Sure, I took a couple of bites, but then I had to turn away and focus on my turkey & veggies. Not just because I'm trying to lose weight, but because I FINALLY understand the consequences.
Heartburn, reflux, and stomach cramps.
Not things I want to deal with tonight as I teach my Pilates class. Or ever, if I can help it.
For the past year or so I'd come to believe that all those things were side-effects of my weight gain, getting older, and genetics (both of my parents have had pretty severe reflux). But it's not any of the above. At least not entirely.
As you probably know, a big part of Intuitive Eating is finding out which foods your body wants, and learning to tell the difference between what the mind wants and what the BODY wants. I may want to gobble up a bunch of pizza, but I know I'll pay for it later. Big time.
It kinda feels like growing up, lol!

In other change-of-perspective news, I had coffee with some of the other moms in my son's class today. The school is putting the kids in a different classroom, on the main campus (right now they're in a portable away from the main building). I was against it for a bunch of reasons I won't get into now, but talking with the other parents and the principal I've changed my mind. And there are issues in the class itself which need to be addressed. Which scares me, because my son has been in this class for over 3 years, and I consider everyone who works there to be friends. They've done SO MUCH for my son, and I respect them a lot. But these issues have to be resolved, for everyone's sake.
We're also going to form a support group. Just a place where we can vent, listen, offer advice and sympathy. Because we all feel overwhelmed, we're all in the same boat, and we all understand each other. It'll be especially helpful during those times when we feel like we want to kill ourselves or someone else, lol!
But truthfully, it'll be good to have some structured support. And to offer some. To know that we're not alone.

Finally, I can't remember if I've already posted this, but I've decided to hold off on going back to school. There's just way too much going on. And I've been so busy this Fall that I've missed a lot of it.
So it's back to being Mom and a part-time Pilates teacher. Everything else will just have to wait.

Until I'm a grownup.

Buh-Bye! (Warning: Language!!!!)

2011-11-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

After looking through my journal and placing me on the scale, she said "You have issues with stress, don't you?"
Yup.
She ignored the number on the scale, telling me she wasn't 'going to worry about it." Which seemed a bit strange, as she is a weight loss counselor at a weight loss center. She then told me about the 20 years she spent training continuously for triathlons, teaching 3 fitness classes a day, every day, and eating 700 calories per day. Needless to say, she didn't lose weight.
We know now that starving the body often just makes us hold on to fat stores stubbornly, as the body believes it will not receive nourishment for a long time. Add compulsive over-exercising into the mix and your body will dig its feet in, refusing to let go of a single pound.
Add stress in, and, well, you'll not only maintain weight, but probably gain a few LBs.
Because, as I do, I was trying to be "good." Even though, mentally, I know there are no "good" or "bad" foods, just foods that either make me feel good (energized, focused, satisfied) and those that make me feel bad (sluggish, mentally foggy, bloated, sick), I still wanted to be That Good Girl.

Stupid, fu**ing Good Girl.
The Girl who let everyone walk all over her, let people take advantage, took their cruelty in stride because she didn't know better. Who let others' opinions and needs be more important than her own. Who learned to be calm on the outside, even though inside she was screaming, because it felt easier to go along to get along. The girl who didn't know when a boy was flirting with her, because she couldn't imagine anyone ever would want to. Who panicked when the boy she'd likes for so long walked her home one night and gave her a kiss.
The Girl who spent years cultivating her own company because she couldn't figure out how to be in others'. She had friends, good friends, but she wasn't always there for them when other, seemingly "better" friends came along.
And was so grateful when, years later, those true friends showed up at her father's memorial, despite the fact that she and they lived 3,000 miles apart and hadn't been in the same room in nearly 15 years. Yet it seemed as if no time had passed at all.
The girl who became a wife and mother, and tried to do it all perfectly. Who decided it was better not to make waves, to take on everything alone, never complain, never ask for help, and listen quietly to "advice" and criticism. To believe others who told her she wasn't ENOUGH. Didn't make enough money, didn't have a clean enough house, didn't sacrifice enough for her kids: wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough. Who took it all in, took it to heart, and believed all of it. Because, after all, it was all true.
Wasn't it?
She felt powerless. As if she had no say in her own life. She'd felt that way her WHOLE life.

Then, slowly, she began to realize that it wasn't true.
Any of it.
She DID have power over her life, she just had to speak up. She also had to realize that the judgements of others didn't have to affect her. They didn't live in her house, weren't affected by her salary (or lack thereof), and she certainly didn't want to sleep with any of them, so who gives a flying fig if they thought her fat or ugly? For a long time she'd heard the phrase "Don't give away your power." She'd thought she'd understood what that meant, yet she was doing exactly that: giving it away. Often to those who didn't deserve it. She learned that she was filled not only with self-doubt, but perhaps also with self-hate.
And that made her incredibly sad.
WHY should she hate herself? She's a good person! She loves children and animals, believes in fairness, is often willing to give the benefit of the doubt. She's honest, compassionate, sensitive, feels things deeply, and she is loyal. She loves fiercely and truly, is a good caretaker, and has a sense of humor. She also works hard. Yes, she has a temper, can be a perfectionist and impatient. She is far from perfect, but so is every other creature on the planet. Why should she hold herself to a higher, no, impossible, standard than she holds the ones she loves?
Does she stop loving her kids when they're cranky? No. Why should she go unloved for the same? Why is she the only one not allowed to make mistakes or feel unhappy/angry/frustrated?

She finally realizes that all the extra weight she's carrying around is more than physical. It's unexpressed emotions, shame from all-too-human behavior, and beating up on herself. Feeling stuffed and sick is more tolerable than feeling alone and scared and overwhelmed, or hating herself for yelling at the kids. Or guilty, over the billion-and-one things she THINKS she has to feel guilty about.

But the truth is slowly seeping through. She deserves good things. (Like compliments. Why is she ALWAYS so surprised by compliments?) She's a better mom when she takes care of herself, first. It's the airplane analogy: put your own oxygen mask on first, then help those around you. After all, you can't help ANYONE if you're unconscious. And stuffing herself beyond fullness, eating food that makes her sick, is just like being unconscious.
She is entitled to her opinions, moods, and emotions, even if they're not the same as everyone else's at the moment. They don't make her stupid, or a bitch, or a drama queen. And she is entitled to NOT take on everyone else's. She is entitled to buy a few things for herself, like books. She is entitled to some time off now and again. Yes, even a few hours away from the kids. And, absolutely, she is entitled to HAVING SOME HELP!!!!! She doesn't have to do it all alone!

So here she is, at another crossroads. Perhaps the most important one. Certainly the first one she's seen so clearly. She can continue the status quo, or she can take back her power. Her voice. Her control.

She can STOP being such a damned Good Girl!!!!!!!

And Away We Go...

2011-11-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's happened. We got the official foreclosure notice. At least, the first one. With more to follow. We're not sure how much time we have until we need to be out, but we're guessing about 3 months.
So there are a lot of mixed feelings going on. On one hand, there's relief: we've been waiting for this shoe to drop, and here it is. On the other, moving is a HUGE pain in the arse!!!!! Especially with kids, and especially in the middle of the school year. I'm holding out a bit of hope that the new school district will allow LG to stay in his school until the end of June, as he'll be starting middle school in September and 3 huge transitions in a matter of months will be very hard on him. He LOVES it here, and moving in with his grandparents will, I think, be harder for him than it will be for WG.

So it's basically a time for transition. The move, the 2 shows with my students coming up in a few weeks, and then figuring out what I'm going to do with myself. I still have my 6 Pilates classes, and I need to think about whether to take on more again. In the spring. After the move.
Although I've already applied at 24 Hour Fitness. Apparently I can't help myself. And Whole Foods is looking for part-time, seasonal help in their Whole Body dept.
Tempting!
And then there's school. Drama Therapy. I've been thinking about it A LOT. I could still take an intro to psych course and see if it's something I'm passionate about. Because, truthfully, at this point, I REALLY DON'T want to go back to school unless I am truly committed. I have 2 degrees, and spending more time/money on another one is not at the top of my list right now.
And writing that makes me feel like a cranky toddler.
I think I've written about this before, but I believe that the fact that I was so hyper-focused on being an actress from the age of 10 until I was 34 is partly what put me in this position now. I didn't let myself consider any other possibilities. So maybe I'm going through my teenage rebellion AND a midlife crisis all at once, lol!

One of the things I've re-discovered teaching my Thursday class is how much I LOVE creative collaboration! We've just about finished polishing the play, and I've loved every minute of it. I'm VERY proud of the girls and of myself, to pat myself on the back for a minute. So now my devious, spastic brain is wondering how I can parlay that into a career. And whether I should also try to get certified as an Anusara yoga teacher. And can I do both?
See? SPAZZY BRAIN!!!!!!!

Anyway. It's good to have possibilities, right?
So there's lots to ponder, and lots to do.

At least it's never dull!

Patience

2011-11-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Not always my strong point, I must admit. I certainly have more of it since the kids came along, and especially since their autism diagnoses. And I'm still learning.
Last week I found out that my class of 20 adorable-but-feral bunnies (I kid) was supposed to have an intern, but she/he had to leave at the last moment. And, as I've said before, that would have made ALL the difference! However, I went in this past Tuesday with a slightly different attitude and, guess what? It went SO much more smoothly!!!! We actually got a partial run-through in, and it was great! They're starting to realize that this is THEIR play, not mine, or their teachers' or parents', or anyone else's. This is the moment I always look forward to (but worry will never come), because they stop trying to do it "right," stop resisting it, and realize that it's their moment. They start being a little goofy with their roles, which is perfect as it's a comedy and they're playing chickens, ducks, and monkeys! They start being a bit braver, taking more chances, and realizing what they're capable of. And this often bleeds out into other areas of their lives.
Which is the whole point: not to have a perfect play, but to hopefully give them the confidence to raise their hands a bit more often in class, or go out for the sport or activity they've always wanted to try but were too nervous.
Which is the whole point of doing what we do. At least for me.

But I'm also learning patience with myself. Finally. Sometimes when I learn something not-so-ideal about me I either berate myself or stuff it under the overly-filled carpet of my subconscious. Then I overeat or buy stuff, usually books or (ironically) groceries, in order to keep ignoring it.
Last week in therapy I cried a bit. It's the first time I've cried with this therapist, despite the fact that I've been seeing her for over 3 years. Because, while I have no problem crying on stage in front of hundreds of people, I hate crying on front of the people who know me. It's that vulnerability thing; it's REALLY scary. And it doesn't help that, in the past, crying was often met with hostility.
So, yes, I cried. And she had me stay with it, feel it in my body, breathe through it, talk about it, and guess what? The world didn't end! No one died because I cried. My head didn't explode. In fact, I felt calmer and MUCH more relaxed.
So that whole "feel your emotions and let them go" thing? Yeah, turns out it works.
Huh.

As far as food and weight, this program I'm on now is actually helping me A LOT with figuring out why I eat, as well as what my body wants/can handle. In the past I'd eat something that made me feel bloated and sick, then berate myself for eating "too much." Well, turns out that it wasn't always that I'd eaten too much, I'd just eaten something my body couldn't handle.
I started the program and immediately lost 3 pounds, which had the unfortunate side-effect of getting me fixated, once again, on the scale. Then I got PMS and the scale stuck. While I obsessed about that, my counselor noticed that I'd written down feeling bloated quite a bit, so she put me on a very clean, 4-day program. From here we'll start adding foods back in and see how they make me feel. That way I can see what agrees with me and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't. It's shifted the focus from "gottaloseweightgottaloseweightgottaloseweight!" to slowing down, being mindful, and taking care of myself. To the realization that, just as I don't have to live with crippling anxiety, I also don't have to live with nearly-constant stomach pain.

Finally, exercise: I started a new 30-minute walking program this week. I have 2 walks: one is a steady pace and the other is intervals. It's quick and challenging, but not so much that it's killing me slowly, lol! Plus, along with Charlotte, I'm trying out a program called T-Tapp. (I'm using the YouTube versions, adding reps when needed.) Turns out there are moves I can use in a few of my Pilates classes, the ones in which hand weights aren't available. So, bonus! Plus, it's quite a bit more challenging than it looks. And it only takes a few minutes, so another bonus.
I'm REALLY enjoying it. I love walking outside and have missed it. I feel more clear-headed and much less stressed after a good walk. In fact, I'm about to head out for one now. I was going to do a more strenuous, hour-long workout, but I realized that if I did that, then drove 30 minutes south to teach a drama class, then back north (60 minutes this time, thanks to rush hour traffic) to teach a Pilates class, then off to the store to get gluten-free cupcakes for WG's birthday party at school tomorrow (her actual birthday is Sunday), it might be a BIT too much.
So, a walk it is, before the rain starts.

Au revoir for now!

Happy Halloween!!!!!

2011-11-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'll say it again: this is my FAVORITE holiday!!!!!! Sent WG off to school with her Ladybug costume (SO cute!) and got to see LG walk in his Halloween parade at school, dressed as SpongeBob. He wasn't all that excited about the parade, probably because it's his 7th one and the novelty has worn off. Plus it was hot.
Yes, it's been quite warm here. Over the past few days, while friends and family were getting pummeled with heavy, wet snow, we've been hiking around in tanktops. No, literally; we took the kids for a hike in the city the other day, near the Golden Gate Bridge.
It's supposed to cool off and start raining as the week goes on, but it's been wonderful! I had to remind myself this afternoon that just because winter's coming doesn't mean I have to stop walking outside. Even though I've lived in California for 17 years (?!?!?!), I still, in the back of my mind, expect snow and sleet once November comes around. And while weather patterns have gotten truly bizarre, we haven't gotten to THAT point yet!

In other news, you may have heard that Kim K. is filing for divorce, after a whopping 2 months of marriage. Oh, plus a $10 million wedding, which the rest of us were forced to endure even if we don't watch their so-called reality show. This after losing a $76,000 earring in the ocean while on vacation. (Seriously, who wears $76,000 earrings while swimming?!?!?!)
Look, I don't begrudge wealthy people their money. It's theirs. But maybe, MAYBE, in a time when thousands are out of work and being forced out of their homes, when more people than ever (at least since the Depression) are relying on food banks, it's time for a REAL reality check? Maybe instead of worshipping at the altar of the Kardashians and the not-so-Real Housewives we can start paying attention again to things that really matter. (And maybe actors and writers can start getting jobs on TV again!) Personally, I think it's time to get the attention off of these silly, self-centered, ridiculous people and back on to the good stuff.
Like LOLCats and Dogs!!!!!!
SO much more fun!

Finally, some sad news: Gil Cates has died. You may know him as the fella who directed the Oscars for many years, but he was also my boss for a while. I used to work at the Geffen Playhouse in Los Angeles, and he was the artistic director. He seemed to know everyone, and everyone loved him. He was a down-to-earth, kind man, and even though I didn't know him WELL, he was always respectful of everyone, even little peons like me.
R.I.P. Mr. Gates. You will be sorely missed.

Shame?

2011-10-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

OK, part of me feels a bit ashamed when I read over my last post. But part of me also remembers that this is a blog, not a news story, and that I'm entitled to my feelings and opinions on my own blog, even if I'm not always proud of them. The fact is, that stuff had been eating away at me for a few weeks, and I needed to vent. I was tired of feeling beaten down and like a failure.
That's always been a big issue for me, as you can imagine: feeling as if I have the right to my own opinions and emotions without having to prove their validity to anyone else. Even the "bad" ones. I won't go into all this again, suffice to say that I'm working on it and I'm PMS-y and cranky, lol!

On another, much nicer subject, did you happen to catch "60 Minutes" this week? It was all about Steve Jobs, but the last story was about apps for autism on the iPad. It's pretty amazing, how these assistive communication apps have literally changed peoples' lives. The old ones are heavy and expensive, usually only available at specialized schools, but the apps are available for, at the most, about $60. And now people who could never communicate before are doing so easily. It's really amazing! And I wonder if Steve Jobs had any idea that this could happen when he designed the technology.
So now we're saving up to get an iPad. 'Cause WG could DEFINITELY benefit from this!

Finally, I have the afternoon off. No class this afternoon. I taught Pilates this morning, and I think I'll take the kids for a walk later. It's still gorgeous out, though not as hot as it was over the weekend. We actually had a chance to take the kids to the pool. Probably the last swim here until June, as the pool usually closes end of October. Tomorrow is their big Halloween outing, and I actually have the ENTIRE day off on Friday, so I might go into the City for a few hours, just until I have to pick the kids up. Maybe I'll meet Hubby for lunch!
It's funny, though: I guess my body knows I have the day off, because I fell asleep before I picked LG up from school, and I'm COMPLETELY unmotivated to work out today! I suppose it's the first time in a while I haven't been plowing through, full steam ahead, so my system is taking advantage and forcing me to slow down.
Smart, this body o' mine.

OK, I'm off. Have a great night, everyone!

Oh, We're Halfway There...

2011-10-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

(Love me some Bon Jovi!)
Halfway through the semester. 4 more sessions of my Tuesday class, 6 more for my (awesome, amazing!) Thursday class. I'm thinking of taking a little staycay the second week of December, after everything winds down. Finding someone to cover my Pilates classes and just taking a break. One week of not having to do anything but get the kids off to school and home again. (And clean the house, walk the dog, shop for groceries, cook...but you get the idea!)

I've also decided to bite the bullet and apply for a teaching job at a university that's kinda far away. It's part-time, it's in my field, and it's what I wanted to do before I went to grad school. In fact, it's WHY I went to grad school, so I could teach at the college level. And since it's part time, I wouldn't have to go to every faculty meeting, mwahahahaha!!!!!
Oh, and I'd get to teach students who actually WANT to be there, and don't need a babysitter. 'Cause as adorable as my young little students are, I'm flippin' exhausted, lol!

On a more serious note, I don't think I'm cut out to teach kids that young. I can't teach and direct a play if I'm trying to keep 20 kids quiet, in the room, and out of danger. I wasn't hired to babysit, and that's not what I'm good at. At this point, with 4 weeks left, I figure if we get all the kids on stage and all the lines said in something resembling the right order, it will be a big win.
But, to me, it feels like a failure. I've written before about my beginnings as a teacher, and how I try to uphold those standards. Well, I'm a far cry from that with this one class, I'm sad to say. To be honest, I don't think these kids are learning anything, and I KNOW a few of them are not enjoying it at all. And, because I'm me, I take it to heart. I feel like a failure every Tuesday. I feel like I'm spending a good part of the 90 minutes getting their attention and then losing it after 60 seconds. Some of the kids have even said they may not show up for the play.
Yeah.

But I also refuse to take the FULL blame: Honestly, if you're gonna run a program like this, there have to be some standards about who can participate. And while I usually like to be all-inclusive, it's impossible to run this class with this many kids and one adult when some of the kids are being dumped into the class against their will. Quite frankly, some of them are too young. And I have a suspicion there are a couple with attention deficit issues. As a parent of special needs kids, I am all for inclusion, but only in environments where it has at least a chance of being successful. Otherwise it can push children backwards and do way more harm than good.
It would probably help if I had at least one other person in the classroom with me. Even a middle or high school student. Someone to ride herd, as it were, while I did the work I was hired to do.
Finally, I have a feeling I'm not the only one to have had issues at this particular school. Just from rumblings I've heard.

Is it because it's a wealthy community? Maybe in part. I have a feeling some of these kids are used to getting what they want, and expect to be constantly entertained. Well, I'm not a trained monkey. I'm not there to entertain. I'm not there to mediate the fights and arguments, to force kids to apologize to each other when they hurt one another's feelings, or to punish them. More honesty: if I have to listen to all the tattling, the "It's not fair"s and the "This is boring"s for much longer, I may end up in a padded room. I realize that sounds b**chy, but it's true. Like I said, I'm not cut out to teach this age group.

So I highly doubt I will be teaching this class again next semester, lol! (Even if I wanted to I don't think they'd have me back.)

On the bright side, these past couple of years have clarified what I DON'T want to do! And that's pretty valuable. There have been times when I've beaten myself up, telling myself there's something wrong with me because I don't want to teach the classes I've been teaching, but that is simply NOT true! They have been a struggle and not at all satisfying, which tells me they are better suited to someone else, someone who has a passion for that. I have a passion, it's just not getting the proper outlet. And that's not a defect, it's simply circumstances. I honestly believe I have a lot to offer as an instructor; I just need to find the right fit. (And I'll say it again: my Thursday class is a freakin' DREAM COME TRUE!!!!!! The polar opposite of Tuesday!)

Another problem, I suppose, is that I did my teacher training with a group that I believe has the best educational theater program in the country. I suppose I got spoiled, and I've been trying to recreate that experience ever since I left.
Part of me regrets leaving. Many of the people who joined the program at the same time I did are still there, still doing that amazing work. But I would have missed out on the life I have now if I'd stayed. I wouldn't have met my husband, and I wouldn't have my kids. And even the thought of that is unbearable.

So there's this little voice which, over the years, has been getting louder and louder: What if I DID re-create it? Here? Rather than going back, move it west? I have one friend who has done just that. Granted, when he started he was single and childless. (and is now married with twin boys!!!!!) But he is the creator and artistic Director of the Tennessee Shakespeare Company, which is an AMAZING company! What he has created is pretty mind-blowing, and I can't help but kvel. So if you ever find yourself in the Memphis/Germantown area, go check 'em out.

***Weird Coincidence! As I write this a song came on the radio that I used to listen to (on cassette) every morning as I drove to work AT THAT THEATER COMPANY I'VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT! In 1994! And it wasn't a single off of the album! SPOOOOOOKY!!!!!!!!

Anyway. Thanks for reading all my emotional vomit/pity partying. I'm gonna go turn off my brain and watch some TV. Or, better yet, listen to "80's Friday Night" on the radio.

Have a great weekend!

Hello! Hello, McFly!

2011-10-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what's going on in my brain.
OKOKOKOKOK: MOST of the time I wonder.
Case in point: the other day I went to Old Navy to check out their new active wear (Verdict: Meh.) and saw that they're hiring for the holidays. My first thought was "Employee discount! I should apply!" Then I realized that, oh yeah, I'm already working at 6 different places. And then there are those people I live with...um...oh right, my husband and children! Who would like to see me every now and again.

I started my new Pilates class tonight. Right after my weekly yoga class. OK, I only had 1 student, but she really enjoyed it, lol! And I think (I hope) that I was able to lock up the studio properly. Yes, I had to call the owner when I couldn't find the light switch (it was hidden behind a very tall potted plant, shut up!), but I THINK everything else was in its place (knock wood). I'm such a worrywart though: I'll probably be up at 3 AM wondering if everything is OK at the studio.

I've also been watching soap operas again. Not too much, just snippets here and there. For a long time I thought they were basically harmless, but now I'm starting to wonder. Not all of them. OK, one in particular, which may or not be named later. For one thing, the characters are scarily inappropriate with each other about details of their sex lives! And while\ that's not dangerous, it's just kinda gross. I mean, would you want your dad grilling you about whether or not you had sex with your fiancee last night? EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!
But what I find really, truly, scary (and even sent an email to the producers, which I never do) is a storyline involving a love triangle. 2 women love the same guy. One woman is engaged to him, but she wants to wait until they're married to sleep together. Fine, no problem. She also has a career, which keeps her busy. The controversy? The guy's dad doesn't like her because a) she's not having sex with his son (again, EW!) and, b) SHE HAS A CAREER. Everyone complains that she's EMASCULATING him because she's not putting his needs above her own, not coming straight away when he beckons, not dropping everything the second he walks into the room, spending "too much" time at work. And this IS dangerous! These characters are in their 20's, a time when many people ARE busy establishing themselves, career-wise. And the idea that a woman has to put her needs behind that of her fiance's is SO 1950's! What kind of message are they putting out there? Do they not know it's 2011? Sure, women still earn 77 cents for every dollar earned by men, but aren't we past the idea that women have to prop their men up? Aren't we beyond the idea that it's emasculating for a man to have a wife/girlfriend with a real career? Heck, these days it's a financial necessity!

Anyway, the guy married the other woman, the one without as busy a job. (Who's also his father's ex-mistress and his ex-fiance's stepsister. Ah, soaps!)

Ah well. Yet another reminder to turn the dang TV off. Really, the only things worth watching are baseball, "Masterpiece [Mystery, Classic, Contemporary], and "Doctor Who." The rest is fake reality, unfunny comedies, and dramas that aren't worth investing in because they'll probably be cancelled soon. Vast wasteland, indeed. I'd rather listen to music, read, or take the kids for a walk.

OK. Off to bed. 'Night!

Huh. It DOES Get Easier!

2011-10-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hubby's on a weekend climbing getaway in Yosemite this weekend. I usually dread his weekends, just because it means more work for me. But this weekend has been SO MUCH easier than usual! Partly it's the weather; it's been quite warm and the pool is still open, so we hung out there for a couple of hours yesterday. There were even 2 other little girls there who didn't seem the slightest bit phased by the kids' "odd" behaviors and included them (as much as possible) in their games. It was very heartening, as there are other kids around here who make fun of mine.
Today we went over to the in-laws' for a barbecue. It was mellow and a lot of fun, and there were lots of people to help out with the kids.
But the fact is, my kids simply aren't babies anymore! It hit me yesterday that they are, in fact, old enough to be alone in the house while I take the dog a few yards away to do her thing. Not TOO far, mind you; they'd be fine, I'd be a wreck, lol! They can handle their dad being away for a couple of days without freaking out. LG isn't going to write all over the walls with a Sharpie, and WG won't cry her eyes out if I;m in another room and she can't see me.
I admit to sometimes being a helicopter mom, but, in my defense, I have good reason. LG will still try to get out to the yard at his grandparents' house without letting anyone know. And he did, after all, wander away on our camping trip. (He came back right away when he heard us calling, but it was pitch-black dark, and he headed toward the restroom without asking/telling us. I can barely write that that without freaking out!) And WG doesn't always understand potentially dangerous situations, and, of course, cannot talk.
But I also need to realize that they are growing up, and have different issues than they had when they were toddlers. I also forget how much WORK they were at that age, lol! How I went through the days in a near zombie-like state, waking up multiple times a night, mainlining coffee, and carting the kids with me everywhere I went. Which was mainly the grocery store and either the mall or the public garden for walks, pushing them in their stroller.
Sometimes I miss those days. Until I regain my sanity.
LG is 10, and WG will be 8 next month. They're both in school all day, and are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves on the weekends (when Hubby and I aren't dragging them hither and yon trying to expand their horizons). They are so much more in the world than they were back then. Not typical, by any means, but less in their own autistic worlds and more aware, awake, and involved. More independent. And I'm so freakin' proud of them that sometimes I just feel like I'll burst with it!

There's hopeful news in other arenas, as well: it may be that I'm able to pay down some of my debt more easily than I'd thought. Yes, I'll still be paying off my student loans from now until doomsday, but at least I CAN pay them, knock on wood! Of course, I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything, to do with my degrees, but it's also kind of nice to NOT be so laser-focused like I was for my first 40 years.

Finally, I've joined a nearby weight-loss center. It's relatively inexpensive and very reasonable. I don't have to buy any special foods (although they have some, if I do: stuff that's also available in grocery stores), I can go and talk to my counselor as much as I want, and I am paying attention to what makes me feel good, rather than counting calories/points/fat grams/carbs, etc. In fact, at my last appointment I was told that I'm not eating ENOUGH. That's my kind o' weight loss, lol!
I'm finally figuring out that certain things make me feel blah. Or worse. I think I'd gotten so used to feeling tired, run down, or even sick after eating that I figured it was normal. But over the past couple of weeks I've felt better and more energized than I have in a really long time. No more stomach aches, reflux, heartburn, or mid-afternoon energy crashes. At least, so far.

Oh, and one more thing: I finally got to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part ONE." And LOVED it! I think it's one of the best in the series, especially the story of the 3 brothers. How beautiful was that?! I have to say I'm pretty impressed with the performances by all the young actors. I suppose if you grow up making movies with some of the best actors in the world, it leaves an impression.

OK. Gotta head to bed. 'Night!

Insanity

2011-10-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

No, not the workout (which ABSOLUTELY lives up to it's name!), but life in these parts right about now. Can't go into TOO many details, but another trip (or 4) to the dentist will be involved. Not for me, but the offspring. Feeling (even more) scared and stressed (than usual). Plus the house...the seemingly endless house/school district drama.
I'm also (finally!) realizing that I really do need to take things not just day-by-day, but sometimes even moment-by-moment. To keep breathing, keep perspective, and take action when there is action to be taken, but also realize that at 4 AM there's usually not a lot that can be done, and obsessing and creating those worst-case scenarios doesn't help. AT ALL. It actually makes it worse.

So, a few new experiments. I'm ditching the coffee. All caffeine, in fact. Not only does it add to the jitters I already have, I can't even drink it without adding all sort of sugary crud to it. Since I'm trying to go without processed sugar for a while, as well, it just makes sense to ditch the coffee. Oh, and the artificial sweeteners. I'd already gotten rid of those, for the most part, but still enjoyed a diet soda now and again.
But no more. I need to focus on putting things in my body that will help, not hurt me. I think, for a long time, my body has been shouting at me to get rid of some of this stuff, but I just plugged my ears and sang "lalalala I can't hear you!"

This is just for me. I'm not going to tell anyone else (other than my kids) how to eat. (I'm certainly not going to tell Hubby he has to give up coffee. Especially since I kinda like my limbs, lol! He's the mellowest guy on the planet, but if I ever took his morning joe away, I have a feeling we'd have some "Incredible Hulk" action going on!)

See, I'm experiencing a very familiar feeling: the desire to curl up in a ball on my bed and stay there. I've felt this way so often, probably more often than not in my 42 years. Usually this feeling is trying to tell me something. For instance, in grad school, I started feeling like this (and having panic attacks) when I realized that acting, despite the hours, money, and years I'd already put into it, might not be what I truly wanted to do. My subconscious and conscious minds started to battle it out, while the rest of me went through the days on autopilot. When I was a kid, I missed A LOT of school for 3 years in a row. I had stomachaches, but they were part of something deeper. Not that I or anyone else knew that at the time. (Oh how I wish we had: would've saved me from the Barium milkshake!)
The best remedy for feeling like this is to NOT give in. To go out and do something. Luckily I have a Pilates client this morning and my 20 little urchins this afternoon. They'll keep me plenty busy, lol!
The other remedy is to take my own advice: do what can be done when that's possible, and let the rest go. As Hamlet says, "If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now. Now, if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all."
(Huh?)
In other words, it's gonna happen sooner or later, and I need to get myself prepared. Wishing something away won't make it go away. Time to pull on my big girl panties and deal.

Another thing to remember is that 9 times out of 10 the anticipation of something is 1,000 times worse than the event itself.

So here I am, continuing on my road of (hopefully) self-improvement. If you see me, give me a wave!

3 Years Ago Today

2011-09-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dad breathed his last on this plane. Hubby swore he saw him that night, going to check on the kids, and I absolutely believe it. He constantly checked on my brother and I when we were kids, as we slept. And I'm sure he wouldn't have left before making sure all the grandkids were safe and sound.
And he's still doing just that.
Thanks, Dad! And here's to you!

Back to Basics

2011-09-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

As I've posted before, I need to work on my endurance. I'm quite strong (thank you, Pilates and my kids!). I also wrote I was going to be doing more barre-based workouts, which I haven't been doing as much as I intended.
So, I'm going to try a regime of mixing said barre workouts with Slim in 6/Slim Series, the workouts that got me back in shape after WG was born. I'll be doing these 3-4 days a week (mixing and matching) along with yoga and my Pilates classes. I'll be teaching more off the mat, so to speak. Doing less and observing/correcting more. And HIIT for cardio, since it doesn't take up much time and kicks my patootie. I don't want to go back to working out 12 hours a week, so I'll be judicious in what I'll do on which days. (For example, on Fridays I work with a private client on the reformer: I don't do the exercises, so I can do a Si6 or barre workout that day.)
So we'll see how that goes.

In other news, I had this whole post ready to go about my decision to not teach drama classes for really young kids anymore, once this current class finishes. Then I realized that, hello!, my employers or one of the parents could possibly stumble upon it. It was full of grousing and, after sleeping on it, I've decided not to post it. Just getting it all down in writing helped, and a good night's sleep has given me some perspective. Because as adorable and fun as the kids are, I just don't think I'm cut out to teach them. Especially in large groups (the class currently has 20).
I've also been questioning my decision to teach acting, drama, etc. AT ALL right now. We're on wildly shifting sands: we don't know how long it will be until we have to move, if hubby will ever be made a permanent employee at his job; I've spread myself way too thin (as I wrote about recently), and my kids need their mom. I cannot take on a ton of financial responsibility AND be a full-time mom. We cannot afford full-time child care, and my in-laws cannot be solely responsible for taking care of the kids while Hubby and I are working. So I'll keep teaching Pilates and bringing in a bit of money, but my main focus will be the kids.
One of the problems with working at 5 different places is trying to schedule everything. Being home when the kids are, or making sure their grandparents can be with them (even picking them up from school, if need be), scheduling clients around other jobs, giving myself enough time to sit in traffic, and scheduling the kids' therapies around everything else. I kind of feel like a field marshal, lol!
So I'm going to simplify things. Pare it down, just like we're TRYING to do with our stuff. Give myself permission to NOT be responsible for everything and everyone, ALL of the time. Be responsible for the kids, and keep them as my top priority.

It's all a big relief, actually.
I'm breathing easier than I have in REALLY long time.

Now I'm gonna go play with my virtual cats.

Shana Tova, everyone! Happy Jewish New Year!

Stop Messing With My Brain!

2011-09-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm no longer an actress and no longer (thank goodness!) live in L.A., I still live my life as if I am and I do. I already knew L.A. had messed up my head, but the longer I'm away the more I understand just how much I let myself get caught up in all that crap.
What messages do we, the general public get from Hollywood? Too many to count, but here are a few: 1) Women are stupid (check out any movie on Lifetime for examples). 2)Women are helpless (again, Lifetime, or pretty much any movie ever made with a male hero. So, 90% of movies). 3) women are there to have sex with. In any movie, women are usually the Wife, Girlfriend, or simply Random Girl Whom Hero Hooks Up With. And if there's a female character who teams up with a bunch of guys, she will inevitably fall in love with one of them. 4) Women must look 25 all their lives. Whether they are 16 or 50, this must be so. 5) Women must often be paired with men who are, literally, twice their age. At least. 5) The ONLY thing women need worry about is their appearance. If you're attractive, you will be taken care of. As long as you put out, and until whoever's doing the caretaking decides you're a gold-digging bitch. And if you're "TOO" sexy, well, whatever happens is your own fault. Because, after all, men cannot control their urges, right? And we need to REALLY worry! If we don't fit the narrow definition of "hot," which changes with the wind, we must do everything in our power to make ourselves fit it.

Those are a few.

So what does Hollywood tell its actresses? All of the above, and much, much more: 1)Women should be grateful for ANY role they get. Yes, this goes for men, but very few male characters are rape victims, or walk around in a thong with a camera up their butt, or have to wear white tanktops without a bra and their nipples in constant stand-at-attention mode. 2)Women should have a thick skin, so that when a casting director or producer tells her she's old, ugly, fat, and worthless, she doesn't take it personally. But if she DOES grow a thick skin, well, then she's a bitch. 3) Women should be seen and not heard. And if she opens herr mouths, she gets a reputation as being "difficult." 4) Women must be attractive and look young (see above), but if they have obvious plastic surgery, they are to be ridiculed and belittled. 5) Womens' bodies, especially celebrity women, are public property. They belong to agents, directors, producers, and magazine publishers. If a celebrity is chosen by a tabloid as A Worst Beach Body, or as a possessor Celebrity Cellulite or something equally ridiculous, it is her fault and she must get to the gym AND cosmetic surgeon's office asap. 6) Women are useless unless they are hot. ALL women. Not worthy of love, of happiness, of a good job or a halfway decent life.

Again, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Add all of the above to young women who are, invariably, lacking in self-esteem, and you have a recipe for disaster. Here I am, in my middle-age, and I still buy into it all. I don't look around at real people and think "No one here is a supermodel, and yet they are all living their lives. They are happy, fulfilled, confident, competent, and, yes, many of them have sex on a regular basis." WHY don't I do that? Because I'm still thinking like an actress.
I had neuroses before I moved to L.A., but they revolved around my abilities. I put A LOT of time and effort into being a good actor and a good teacher. I was pretty confident when I made the move to L.A., but it was slowly stripped away. I also found myself becoming bitter: why should women with less talent and less experience get all the jobs, simply because they looked better in lingerie?

So I guess the question now is, what do I want to be when I grow up? Because I'm not going back to acting, that's pretty much guaranteed. At least, not professionally. And as much as I enjoy teaching acting, I'm getting a little old for the kinds of jobs I've been doing: an hour here, 2 hours there, pulling a paycheck but not a salary. Trying to teach freelance, the way I did in my 20's, AND be a full-time mom. There's also the fact that my kids are still pretty young, and they still need me as much as possible. Right now they get picked up from school by their grandparents one day a week, and, to be honest, I hate it! I want to be the one to pick up LG and talk to his teacher. I want to get WG off of her van, read about her day in her notebook. I want to get their snacks. Yes, it's one day a week, and they don't mind it, but I do! Time goes by too fast. Before I know it they may not want cuddles and hugs from their mom after school.

And, truly, the thing I do best is being my kids' mom. Yeah, for a while I was a pretty good actor, but I'm a REALLY good mom. Not perfect, not by a long shot.
But damn good.

So we'll see what happens.

Hello Autumn! (?)

2011-09-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

We've had a warm streak in these parts. OK, a heatwave. It's been between 85 and 90-plus degrees here the past few days. After a rather cool, sometimes clammy summer, it's nice to have some really warm weather. And not TOO warm, not like the triple digits we had in L.A. (Seriously, we all lived like vampires: staying inside all day, then coming out at night to play with the kids/walk the dog/mow the lawn, etc.)
So today is the last day of summer, according to the calendar. Which makes me kinda sad. I guess it hearkens back to being a kid; the feeling of the end of freedom, going back to school (Blech! Yuck!), and the horrible, AWFUL allergies that always accompanied early Fall when I lived on the east coast. And later, when Fall (as much as I love the season) meant the end of the outdoor summer theater season and the knowledge that winter and snow were coming.
The shorter days always make be a bit melancholy. Even though they now mean that the kids are back in school (yay!), and knowing that we're probably not gonna have any freak snowstorms, nor will my allergies act up the way they used to. I just LOVE Summer. It's my favorite season, and it's hard to say goodbye.

I'm also just realizing (hello!) that we lost Dad at the end of September, 3 years ago. So that adds to the sadness. (Geez, Alyssa, ya think?!?!) I remember sitting outside the hospital on a beautiful, late-summer day before he passed. It's a beautiful time in Boston, and a reminder that he wanted us to keep living, even as he was dying.

On the other hand, and a much happier note, we'll soon be getting pumpkins, a bit of foliage (yes, even here!), crisp, cooler days, brightly-colored sunsets, and, before we know it...HALLOWEEN!!!!!!! Don't know about you, but my favorite holiday!
Yesterday my S-I-L came by with a costume she found on sale for LG. It's a SpongeBob costume, and it's SO CUTE! He tried it on, then didn't want to take it off. He was rollerblading around the house with it on, and, dang, there are just no words to explain the adorable-ness of it! (Yes, I know that's not really a word.) She tried to find one for WG, as well, but there weren't any in her size. (She did find an M&M costume for our nephew, though!) I'm trying to think of an equally cute costume for her. Luckily I have over a month to find it.

Anyway, happy Autumn! Now go get a pumpkin spice latte...

Holy Cow!

2011-09-19T20:18:00.000-07:00

Decided to go to a new yoga class yesterday morning. It's at the new studio where I go to the Anusara class, and it's now part of the Fall schedule. Yesterday was the first session of Hot Yoga (not Bikram, more of a Hatha flow class in 85 degrees), and I was the only one who showed up. Sooooo...I got a private session!!!!! It was so cool! I'd never had a private yoga session before!
Of course, the disadvantage to that is I couldn't slack off. At all. (Not that I ever do in a full class! Oh no, not me! I'm a perfect angel! See the halo? See the two horns holding it up?) And BOY HOWDY, am I feeling it today! I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. OK, harder than usual.
Luckily I have the day (mostly) off today. I might just head over to the pool, since it's supposed to get up to 90 degrees today. I'll swim, sit in the hot tub, then go to another yoga class tonight. Tomorrow it's a session with my private client in the morning, and rehearsal with the rugrats in the afternoon. Then bring our own kids to the pool. So it'll be a full day, even without a workout. (I've decided that, for the immediate future, Tuesdays will be my non-workout days rather than Sundays. I used to call them "rest days," but I don't think they will qualify when I'm with 17 kids ages 6-8. And, yes, it's gone up from 14 to 17.)
OK, scratch that. I just found out it's 19.
Oy.
Gotta make more script revisions...

I'm also being ridiculously entertained by the pirate-speak on Facebook. Since today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, you can change your language to "Pirate (English.)" Go to your profile page, scroll all the way down & on the left it will have the current language. Click on it, and it will enable you to change it. It's REALLY funny!
Or, I'm just easily amused.
Perhaps both.

*UPDATE: I just returned from my Anusara class, and have some exciting news! The owner of the studio asked if I'd be interested in teaching a Pilates class on Mondays, after Anusara. I would get paid, of course (though not very much, since it's all still just starting out), but I'd also GET TO TAKE YOGA CLASSES FOR FREE!!!!!!!! (And tai chi, and Zumba, and all the other stuff they have there!)

Anyway. Gotta go add a couple of llamas back into a script. Have a good night, all!

Memo to Self: You Are NOT 24 Anymore, Capiche?!?!?!

2011-09-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Reverse the numbers, Baby! You are 42 with 2 kids. 2 kids who have very specific, special needs and a WHOLE lot more energy than you have!
Yes, when you were 24 you could rehearse outside for a very physical, outdoor production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream," spend a few hours in the press office, get to the gym, and finish up the day with a slightly-less physical, indoor performance of "Twelfth Night," wake up the next morning and do it all over again with few ill side-effects.

That was then.
18 years ago.
Nearly TWO DECADES.

Face it, babe; you're not as young as you used to be. It may feel as if almost no time has gone by, but it has. And you must deal with that fact. You cannot, for example, work with a private Pilates client in the morning, come home and clean the entire house, spend 2 hours emailing, faxing, phoning, texting and obsessing about your new class, drive to the elementary school and teach said class (just you with fourteen kids ages 6-8) for 90 minutes, drive home in rush hour, make dinner, play with the kids AND your 3 year-old nephew, wash the dishes (again!), walk the dog, and finish with a ballet-based workout and expect to bounce outta bed the next morning ready to go and without any consequences.
Just not gonna happen.
Not anymore.

So, this morning, you are NOT going to yoga. You are teaching a mat class tonight. This morning you are going home after you drop the kids off at school. You will go back to bed. You have a couple of hours to yourself today, and you will take full advantage. Read your blogs. Listen to music. Grab your Kindle, get comfy, and read the book you downloaded a couple of days ago.
In other words, you are going to RECOVER FROM YESTERDAY.

That is all.

OK.

2011-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post today. With so many tributes, and so many already writing about it in ways that are much more eloquent than I could ever hope to be, I decided not to say anything.
I won't write about where I was or how I felt, or about the changes it made in the lives of my family and friends. Or even about those lost.

What I WILL write about is the fear for those first responders that are getting cancer. There are many who have died. It's an issue that, like practically everything else these days, has become politicized and polarizing. But it shouldn't be. The EPA was given outdated information and declared the air at Ground Zero safe. But it wasn't. They didn't do it deliberately. There was so much confusion, so many things were unknown during the weeks and months that followed that awful day. But now we know better, and now maybe something can be done.
I also fear for the people who have survivors' guilt. From the responders who survived, to the people who made it out of the towers, to the people at the airport gates who allowed the highjackers onto the planes. The ones who blame themselves, even when there is no blame to place on them. Who suffer from deep depression, alcoholism, addiction, divorce, PTSD, and obsessive thinking about the events of that day. I pray that they will find peace and be able to fully live again.

I also pray that we as a country are able to find our best self again. To let go of the pettiness that has defined much of the past decade, to realize that those who believe other than we do, or who behave, live, look, love differently, are still human beings of equal value. To stop demonizing one another (even in election years!).

So much has changed since that September day, and much of it is not for the better. Sometimes it seems as if no time at all has passed, and other times it feels like lifetimes ago.

But there are positive changes, as well.
I was a brand-new, terrified mother. Now I'm an experienced parent of 2 children. I was a daughter of two parents who still had a great influence on me. Now I've lost one of them, and I am a friend to the other, and often worry, because she's getting on in years. I was insecure, still trying to find my voice. While I'm still on an ever-changing path, I no longer apologize for who I am or try to be someone else in order to please others. The shifting sands have mostly settled, and I am far more at peace now than I was then.
Much of the past few years have been about learning that loving myself is the first step toward loving others and having true empathy. That a lot of my suffering has been self-imposed and needless. And, a big one for me, that G-d's love is boundless, and He really does want us to be happy,as trite as it may sound.
Finally, I am an adult. As immature as I sometimes feel (and act), I really am a grown-up.
Huh.
Imagine that.

Take care, everyone. Hug your loved ones, and remember the feelings we all have today.

Because It's Just Too Exhausting

2011-09-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read Charlotte's blog yet today (www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com), I strongly advise that you do.
No, seriously, go ahead. I'll wait...

Ah, you're back. Pretty good, eh? I mean, I read the blog every weekday, and it's always good (you're a great writer, Charlotte!), but today's is especially good. And, like all good writing, it got me thinking. Because in the midst of back-to-school craziness (in our case, after a really fun 4-day weekend), when I was getting overwhelmed and frustrated as the dog needed to go out, WG was fussing and refusing to eat breakfast, and LG kept saying "No school" over and over and over before finally giving in to a meltdown (not ALL typical for him), and I was ready to throw in the towel at 7:30 AM, I was able to sit and read the blog (after getting WG on her bus) and to, well, take a deep breath and remember how hard the first few weeks of school are for our kids. How nervous I always was, even when I liked my teacher and had friends in my class. It's still an adjustment, and for kids with Autism it's even more so.
I also realized, as I was writing my comment on her post, that I never truly realized how much I depend on my various neuroses to get through the day. I know we all have our crutches, but I don't think I realized how heavily I'm still leaning on mine. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere nearly as dependent on them as I used to be, but many are still there, and I'm still leaning on them.
No wonder I'm so tired all the time! Lugging around that much baggage is REALLY wearying!!!!!!

I also noticed that, after reading the post, I was paying more attention to breakfast. Autopilot switched off and I realized I was no longer hungry. ( I'd eaten enough. Lucky dog, she got the rest of my english muffin!)
Charlotte mentions Geneen Roth, and some of her (IMO) best advice: speak to yourself the way you would speak to a young child; with care, with love, and really listening. I ALWAYS forget this! I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy the way I speak to myself. And, of course, it's automatic. I've been doing it for 40 years, after all.
I think I feel overwhelmed because I have very little faith in myself. I expect to fail. I see myself as being inept. After all this time, after everything I've accomplished, I still feel like a failed loser. I was never one of those folks who could speak and walk with assurance, confident in my decisions and opinions. I question everything, all the time, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, there comes a time when the questions must stop and action must be taken. And the constant, niggling, whispering self doubts are just effin' annoying!!!!!!
As soon as I got this new teaching job, for example, my brain immediately went to all the ways I could screw it up. I got really nervous because I'm teaching on my own. Which I've done DOZENS OF TIMES!!!!!! And I'll have the complete support of the staff at the theater that hired me, for cryin' out loud! It's not like I'm directing "Spiderman: Turn Off The dark" (thank goodness!) with millions of dollars at stake. I'm directing a bunch of cute kids who already like drama in a short play. The goal of the entire class is, basically, to have fun and learn a little bit about theater. We're gonna PLAY!!!!!!! And yet here I am imagining all the things that could happen that will scar these poor children for life.
That has NEVER happened, in ANY class I've taught. In fact, I've had many experiences where just the opposite has happened. Yes, it changes them, but in GOOD ways. And it changes me, too. Which is why I do it: I was inspired by drama as a kid. It was one of the few places where I wasn't terrified, where I had fun and could speak above a whisper. If I can help another kid have that experience, well, that's GOLDEN! And if they just have fun, that is totally worth it, too.

I just don't want to THINK about EVERYTHING so much! Whether it's food or my weight or work or whatever, I just want to go with it. My instincts are actually quite good, so why do I second (and third and fourth and on and on) guess them, all the time?
Because that's what I learned. A long, long time ago. But those days are gone. It's time for a new way of doing things.
Because, frankly, the old way doesn't work. And It's just too damn tiring!

We're Baaaaack!

2011-09-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

And we can call it a nearly unqualified success! WG had a few mini-meltdowns, which were cured with either food or the "Koi Pond" app on the iPod. Last night (er, this morning) she was up until 3:30. As was I. Although I was coughing and hacking, which kept me awake, while she was just having fun, thankfully.

Lesson #1 Learned: DO NOT attempt to sleep 4 people in a 2-person tent, even when 2 of the 4 are small. They wiggle around. A LOT. And elbows and knees are SHARP, people! (Plus, WG used Hubby's legs as a pillow the first night. Took him a while to get the circulation going again in the morning.)

Our campsite was near the river, so on the afternoon we arrived we put the kids in their swimsuits and let them play. The water was cold, but the air was hot, and much fun was had by all. After drying off, we put on warm clothes, built a fire, and had dinner. Why does food taste so much better outdoors?

The following morning, we all woke up at 5:30 and got an early start. We drove out of the park to explore some nearby towns and county parks. We discovered a very nice coffee bar/motel with a wrap-around porch, an empty playground, a visitors' center with free WiFi and super-clean bathrooms, a very cool little town in the midst of its Founders' Day Festival, and some sulphur hot springs.
With a naked guy in them. Standing.
Not far from some people taking target practice with a .38.
We decided to save the hot springs for another time.

Lesson #2 Learned: Try to avoid hot springs with naked men standing in them in the vicinity of gunfire. Even if said hot springs are free.

Lesson #3 Learned: DO NOT give LG a head lamp. He will sneak off to the bathroom down the road, in pitch darkness, on his own, without telling you. Taking (yet another) decade off of your life. On the plus side, when he hears you calling his name in an absolute panic, he will come running back. And also tolerate it when you hug and squeeze and kiss him repeatedly for the next 20 hours.

We took a trip to Tenaya Lake. Again, cold, but quite refreshing. And kinda like a bath. We also got to Tuolomne Meadow to watch the sun set. All in all, it was a great trip. And I really hope the kids associate camping with fun.

We also received a visit from our camping neighbor's 13 month-old pit bull. A very sweet puppy!

Now it's time to give the kids their baths and take a shower. I've got to get to bed early: I have a cold, and I also have teacher training tomorrow for my brand-new job!!!!!!!! With Peninsula Youth Theater!!!!!!!!

Nighty night!

Isn't Technology Supposed to Make Life Easier?!?!?!??!?!

2011-09-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

So the hard drive on my computer was replaced last Friday. By a very nice fella who came to the house at 6:00 at night. it worked GREAT for 4 days, and now it's on the fritz again.
Grrrrrr....
I'm still waiting for a call back from Dell. it may have to wait until Tuesday, as we're leaving tomorrow for our camping trip. No big deal, as long as I don't have to shell out any more money.

In other news, I'm still contemplating the future. I just found out UC Santa Cruz is hiring for their pool of theater instructors. It's part-time, year-to-year employment, with no guarantees that I'll ever actually teach a class, but I DO have an advantage (2, actually): a friend of mine used to teach for them, and they desperately need voice teachers, which I have quite a bit of experience in. So I have a good reference AND something they need. I've also discovered that the method I'm trained in (although not certified) apparently has NO instructors in the area.* So my ADHD brain starts thinking "Hmmm...if I were to get certified, I'd be the ONLY such certified instructor in THE ENTIRE BAY AREA. Which would make me a rare commodity. And such certification would take as much time as getting a Psychology degree, but wouldn't cost as much. And, in fact, was something I tried to do right after grad school, but didn't have the resources. Perhaps it's time to revisit this particular option." In the meantime I'm taking my online Intro to Psych class to see if it's something I want to pursue.

(*We interrupt this post to tell you that right now I'm listening to "10 at 10" on a local radio station, in which they play 10 songs in a row from a specific year. Today it's 1993. [The Lemonheads, anyone?] I'm being bombarded with memories of the year I turned 24 [yes, I'm that old, shut up]: touring in "12th Night," performing on the mainstage in "A Midsummer Night's Dream" [still my favorite professional experience, ever], falling in love and getting my heart truly broken for the first time, subletting a friend's apartment in Cambridge and teaching in Andover with one of my best buddies. Walking to Harvard Square in the freezing cold because parking my car there is too bloody expensive. Duct-taping my shoes because I couldn't afford to buy a new pair. Pondering the idea of grad school. Ah, memories!)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say, in my usual, meandering, beating around the bush, roundabout way (see?!?!?!) is that it's nice to have options. I'm not in a place where I thought I'd be by the time I hit this age, but nowadays who is? Lately I find myself re-discovering old (and sometimes forgotten) passions. I've been trying to fit my (very) round self into a tiny square box, and I've been doing this for quite a while. Telling myself that I didn't want certain things because I have truly believed that I cannot have them. And also believed, maybe, I didn't deserve them.
Which makes me so incredibly sad!

So now I'm getting an arm and a leg outside of said box, maybe poking my head out and taking a look around. Who knows what I'll see? The future is not set in stone, and, to quote my favorite Timelord, "Time can be re-written." To quote Goethe, "Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it." And one of my favorites (from Pastor Basil King, NOT Goethe), "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."

I have spent so much of my life being timid. Time to change that.

Oh, and I'll let you know how the camping trip goes!

*Edit: It turns out there ARE instructors here, just not MASTER instructors. My bad!

Brave or Foolish?

2011-08-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

We're taking the kids camping this weekend. At Yosemite. On one of the busiest weekends of the year. WG has been to Yosemite but has never been camping (unless you count the trip we made in '03, when she was in utero. Have I mentioned how bad an idea it is to go camping when you're 7 months pregnant? Sleeping on the ground in a tent when you have to pee every 17 1/2 minutes and there are hungry bears nearby is NOT fun!), and LG is still emotionally scarred from his camping trip last year, which he generally didn't enjoy.
But we're going.

Part of me is REALLY excited! I haven't been camping since the '03 trip, and I LOVE Yosemite! But another part of me (that would be the Jewish Mother Part) is terrified. All sorts of worst-case scenarios are running through my head (shocking, I know). I'm pondering getting one of those GPS tracker devices for the kids. I can't find their I.D bracelets. I'm also just thinking of chaining myself to both of them for the entire weekend. Sure, it'd make swimming and the aforementioned peeing difficult, but it might just be worth it...

We went to REI yesterday to stock up on supplies. That place is so much fun! The kids even enjoyed it, which, perhaps, bodes well for the trip?

We thought about bringing the dog, but since she just turned 13 and has that arthritis in her hips we've decided to leave her with the in-laws. All that walking and hiking and swimming would be hard on her. Because she's part Corgi, she follows the kids EVERYWHERE and tires herself out. This way she'll be able to lounge in the sun, hang with her goofy pitbull buddy, and enjoy home-cooked meals. (My M-I-L not only spoils the grandchildren, but the granddogs, as well.)

Of course, if the kids are having meltdowns, we can always leave. There's no law that says we have to stay the entire weekend. And since Monday is a holiday we'll have time to decompress before going back to work and school. So I'm going to try and Have Faith that All Will Be Well, and focus on enjoying the trip.

Oh, and may I just say, Anusara yoga is like therapy.
That is all.

Good night.

HIIT Me Baby One More Time

2011-08-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

I started doing HIIT workouts this week. So far I've done two, and have one left for the week. I'm also, of course, teaching my Pilates classes, doing yoga, and taking the kids to the pool.
Those HIIT workouts are only 35 minutes, but they're KILLING me! They talk about how much fat you burn even after the workout, which is great, but they don't tell you that you'll also turn into a zombie!!!!!!!
I fell asleep at about 12: 30 this afternoon. Luckily I had the day off and didn't have to function much beyond getting the kids to and from school, because if I'd had to be alert all day I would have been in serious trouble. And I didn't even do the workout today! I did it yesterday, then taught my class in the evening. I've decided I'm going to avoid doing HIIT and Pilates on the same day whenever possible.
Please, someone who has done these types of workouts, tell me it gets easier? Not the workouts themselves, but the after-effects! I have to teach 4 classes in the next 3 days, and kinda need to be awake!

I also have another job interview tomorrow. For Peninsula Youth Theater, in Mountain View. Which is kinda cool, since I just emailed them my resume last night. Before my computer crashed. The same computer which needs a new hard drive. Fortunately, I have an extended warranty and don't have to pay for it. Whew! (I'm currently using Hubby's computer.)

And in more breaking news, I'm taking a few days off for Labor Day Weekend! I'll have almost an entire week off! We might go to Yosemite. I'm kinda thinking a day trip, but Hubby wants to stay overnight. We'll see. He's also taking a couple of days off, and we're going to lunch next Thursday, just the two of us! I'm so excited!
And I still have a spa weekend to plan...

And finally, my geeky little heart is swelling because this Saturday is the return! Yes! "Doctor Who" comes back for the second half of the 6th season! I have so many theories about who's who, what's what, and who does what to whom. So I'll see if I'm right or, as usual, waaaaaaaaay off the mark. In the meantime I've been watching some classic "Who" on Netflix and YouTube. Including "The Web of Fear" from 1966, starring my former boss, Tina Packer (who went on to found Shakespeare & Company). Yes, it's a small world, my friends! Hubby and I often see our friends on TV or in the movies, and it's always so nice! Because they're talented and work hard and deserve it. (I saw one such friend in 3-D the other day. It was a but unsettling. I mean, yes, I see them in 3-D in PERSON without any side-effects, but seeing them that way on screen, well, we've talked about the effect 3-D has on me.)

Anyway, I'm now gonna sign off & listen to the radio (or Spotify on the computer. Do check it out if you haven't; it's pretty cool!) and play footsie with WG, who's sitting here with me, fresh from her bath and comfy in her summer PJs.
'Night!

The Schools Are Open...

2011-08-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

And I am free!
(Said in the voice of The Creature from "The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit", season 2 of "Doctor Who.")

Yes, today is the first day of school!!!!!! And it's gonna be a great year!
WG was a bit fussy this morning (tired), but as soon as she saw the bus, she got a BIG smile on her face! Then she crawled right in and sat in her usual seat, rarin' to go. It was so cute!
And LG ran around his classroom like he couldn't believe he was actually back. It's so NICE when the kids actually want to go to school! (Not that I blame them, I want to go to their schools, too, lol!)

But I'm sitting on the bed, blogging, and not having to worry about whether LG is playing with the food I just bought yesterday (to make "crabby patties." Dude, I love Spongebob too, but that bread isn't cheap!), or if WG is going to have a meltdown at any minute, or if either one of them is getting into anything they should be leaving alone.
IT'S SO NICE!!!!!!
Aaaaaahhhhhh!

I'm gonna play on the computer and maybe take a nap.
Have a great one!

Will Walk for Kale Chips, Plus a Movie Review

2011-08-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

A few months ago my brother and S-I-L were in town. She later posted on Facebook that, as they waited in the airport for their flight home, she snacked on a bag of kale chips. My brother, not known for the variety in his diet or willingness to Try New Things, took one look at them and asked "Are those lawn clippings?"

I LOVE kale chips! I bought a bad today and already plowed through 1/3 of it. I put kale in my smoothies. I just don't particularly like kale on its own. But I'm trying to be a grown-up and learn to like it. Or at least tolerate it. 'Cause it's SO good for you!

You know what else is really good for you? Walking. The other day I brought the van to a service station to get the brakes fixed and then walked to my in-laws' house the next town over, where I'd deposited the kids. It took me about an hour, and I was carrying about 20 pounds of stuff in my backpack. It was fun and a great workout, and reminded me of how much I used to love taking walks! Our last house was at the bottom of a hill, and it was an instant workout. Plus, fresh air (or at least as fresh as it gets in L.A.), time to myself, and endorphins. Perfect! I decided I'm going to walk more once the kids are back in school. My sanity and my waistline will thank me.

The kids start school in 2 days. WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!!! I love my kids, but the fact that I'm outnumbered, have to find a sitter so I can work, and can provide only so much structure/fun activities/stuff to keep them busy and engaged and, ultimately, make them tired without burning out myself is challenging, to say the least. I'm SO looking forward to putting her on the bus, dropping him off, and getting a few hours of peace and quiet! Maybe even a nap, as LG has taken to waking up at 4 or 5 AM and ensuring that no one else stays asleep by providing loud re-enactments of favorite "Spongebob" episodes. Verbatim. Using many voices. He's certainly talented. But did I mention he's LOUD? At 4 AM?
Meanwhile WG has decided that she's ready for school, and is letting us know with many (also loud) meltdowns.
Ah, Monday! When the kids are going crazy, the landscapers are working across the street (#$@%&-ing leaf blowers at 7 am WHY?!?!?!?!) and Hubby won't be home until 9:30 PM because he has an audition after work. So no yoga class for me tonight. No sleep for the past 5 days. Many meltdowns, from BOTH kids and, I'm guessing, from ME, fairly soon.

On the plus side, I did get out for a couple of hours on Saturday. Went to see "Fright Night," which was OK. Turns out David Tennant doesn't appear until about 45 minutes in. It also turned out that the screening I showed up for was in 3-D. UGH! I've never been a big fan of 3-D, it makes me dizzy. And, quite honestly, I have no burning desire to see blood spatter in 3-D, which there's quite a bit of in this movie, as you can imagine. I ended up taking the glasses off through much of it. I'd rather it be a bit blurry than have to hurl into my cup holder.
The cast was good. DT was great, as always. And there was a fun cameo, which only makes sense if you're familiar with the original. I really liked the original. For me, it had a heart and spirit that was lacking in this version. Too much time following the characters as they tiptoe around creepy, dark places, and not enough dimension to them the way they're written. Chris Sarandon, in the original, was so compelling and sexy and even sympathetic at times. Colin Farrell is fun, but creepy right off the bat (sorry, no pun intended) and doesn't get much of a chance to be anything else. The girl (Imogene Poots) is, well The Girl, and the single mom (Toni Collette) is The Single Mom. Although it was fun to play "That Actor's Not From There But Does A Perfect Accent." David Tennant is Scottish {but uses an English accent here}, Imogene Poots is English, Colin Farrell is Irish, and Toni Collette is Australian. Anton Yelchin was born in Russia but raised in the U.S., so I guess that doesn't count.
Still, I hope it does well. Especially as I've heard rumors that if it DOES, there might be a sequel focusing on DT's character. I'd like to see him get more work on this side of the pond, for purely selfish reasons: it's not like I can hop a flight to London and catch him in "Much Ado About Nothing." Plus, as I've said before, I really like watching good actors act.

OK. Looks like the sun might be peeking through the clouds. Gonna take the urchins to the pool for a bit, then for a walk later.

Later!

Obsession (Gettin' Personal Here)

2011-08-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

No, not the overpowering Calvin Klein fragrance (seriously, I cannot even stand to pick up any fashion magazines: the photos and articles are bad enough, but the perfume inserts are HELL!!!!). This is about some of my personal obsessions and the death of dreams. Or maybe pie-in-the-sky fantasies. Ones that, even as I concoct them, I KNOW will never, EVER come true. But confronting that reality head-on is still painful.

I'll never be on Broadway. I'll certainly never be a Rockette. (OK, letting go of that one wasn't NEARLY as painful as continuing to pursue it would have been. Especially for anyone within a 50-foot radius of me as I flailed around in my spastic-giraffe impersonation of dancing.)
The fact is, I will never meet, let alone work with, the many, MANY actors and directors and writers that, to this day, I want to work with. I'll probably never find the same kind of working environment I had in my early 20's at Shakespeare & Company. It was crazy and stressful at times, yes, but it was also the most creative, exciting, and supportive place I've ever worked. I've been trying to recreate it ever since I left. (Except, of course, for the zombie years when the kids were babies/toddlers and I could barely string a coherent thought together.)
I know that I could go back and work there, but my life is in a place that won't allow it. I live 3,000 miles away, in a city I adore and with my family, whom I thank G-d every day for. We NEED to be here. The kids wouldn't get the same kinds of services anywhere else, and we have an amazing support system here.
Oh, and that lack of snow and ice thing is pretty cool, too!

Yesterday I decided to take part in an improv workout that will happen every Sunday in the City starting after Labor Day. Pay $15 and improvise for 3 hours. I did improv in New York 20 years ago, and I loved it. (And, to toot my own horn for a minute, since no one else is gonna toot it for me...wait, that sounded kinda dirty...anyway, I was REALLY good at it!) Plus, there's no pressure. Just go and have fun for 3 hours. I'm not trying to get on SNL or be the next Tina Fey, I just want to be creative and have fun. And get the ol' juices flowing again, after being dormant for 8 years!

When I see something, anything, be it a film, a TV show, or a play, that is well-written, beautifully acted, directed with care and produced by people who are passionate about it, I want to be a part of it. During my best times on stage, I felt as if all of us in that room, actors AND audience, were all part of the experience. It was communication on a grand scale, yet still intimate. There is no other feeling like it.
I lost that in L.A. Of course I did: it was all about who got the job and could lord it over their friends, and who was the hottest chick in the room. Very few people cared about process or communicating or the absolute need to say something. Theater was a ticket to getting an agent, getting on TV, and clawing one's way into film. If they taught classes, it was usually only a way to make money until they got their Big Break. it was rarely about getting students to find their voices, to dig deep and be brave.
That's not to say it doesn't exist in L.A., it certainly does. But you have to really look for it, and it's often found in unexpected places.

And then there's TV. While most of it is a vast wasteland of crappy reality shows and dumbed-down dramas and sitcoms, there are some gems. Not necessarily the critically lauded stuff: I don't watch "Mad Men" or "Breaking Bad," though I'm sure they're terrific. I just finished watching the first 3 seasons of "In Plain Sight" on Netflix. It's a show I've watched once in a while, but never regularly. Because it's on at 10-freakin-o'clock at night and, as you all know, I've usually done a face-plant into my pillow by 9. (Which also impedes my theatrical career.)
But it's a show that is SO well written, and has, at it's center, 2 actors who can do pretty much anything, who move from TV to film to stage with ease, and play off each other like the Williams sisters at the Wimbledon finals. (Oh yeah, and they're both gorgeous!) They're surrounded by universally good supporting and guest actors. It's the kind of show that has you laughing hysterically one minute, crying the next, and thinking about All Kinds Of Stuff.
In short, it's the kind of show I always wanted to do. Y'know, back when I was young and there was a whole world of possibilities open to me.

And I guess THAT'S the Big Issue: The closing doors. The end of the Possibilities. The thing that happens as you hit middle age and have to start saying goodbye to some of those dreams. It happens to us all, eventually. But knowing that doesn't really make it easier, lol! After all, we all have to live our own lives, have our own experiences, and own it all. So maybe, for example, my body issues aren't just about the 30 pounds I've put on, but about what they represent: the loss of youth, of beauty (such as it was), and possibility.

I made my choices. Perhaps I could have stayed in the business, left L.A., gone back to Western Massachusetts or even made another go of it in New York. But then I think of all the things I'd've given up. And I realize it wouldn't have been worth it. I was meant to be the mother of these two amazing, gifted, special kids. They need me, and G-d knows I need them. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, and that's due mostly to my kids.
I cherish my husband, and the relationship we have. It takes a lot of work, and we've both bled for it at times, and it is SO worth it!

So, I'll never get to Broadway. I'll never be on an amazing TV show. I'll never play a superhero on screen (maybe not life-changing, but it sure seems like fun!).
And I'll never be a Rockette. That much was clear from about the age of 5.

Sometimes that realization hurts. But then I look around and realize that not having what I do have would be so much worse.

So, I'll watch my friends, and, more often, people I don't know, create the wonderful work. I'll raise my kids, teach my classes, and maybe actually become a drama therapist. I can still make a difference, just in different ways than I thought of 20 years ago.

And I will live my life, owning every precious second of it.

Updates and More Confessions

2011-08-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hubby went to the ER on Wednesday and it looks like it's all good. Everyone is pretty amazed at the lack of injury. Still keeping an eye on him, though. Oh, and yesterday WG ran her shoulder smack-dab into the very spot that's sore.
YOWCH!!!!!!

It has been a hell of a couple of weeks! Between the hacking, the accident, work, summer break, and my mom in town, I've been running around like crazy. Hubby's going to Yosemite for a couple of days next week, and he REALLY needs it. The accident has him stressed out, and he put a lot of work into his bike, which is pretty much totaled. (Oh, and he hasn't taken a vacation in over a year, and is doing the work of 3 people at his job, even though he's still considered a temp and gets no benefits. And he's training the folks who will take over from him, who are being hired on as permanent, full-time with full benefits.)

I'm just SO THANKFUL that he's OK, and praying he stays that way.

But I do have to confess something: I'm getting a bit annoyed at the fact that everyone else's vacation means more work for me, and I don't get a turn. So I made a deal with Hubby (before the accident): if he gets to go camping, I get a spa weekend. On my own. Well, with my S-I-L.

I'm also going to ask for more help with the kids. My M-I-L is retired, and can help out. We have a bit more money for a sitter now. I'm going to take advantage so that I have room for more than just work and taking care of the kids and the house. I've started taking an Anusara yoga class (my favorite kind!) once a week at a new studio that just opened up nearby. I also ordered two Anusara DVDs, so I can do it at home and apply the principles I learn in class. And I'm writing again. Just fun stuff, for my eyes only. At least, for now.
I've also re-discovered the joy of going to the movies. Having broken my 5 year sabbatical with "Harry Potter," I'm now determined to go to a movie every once in a while. There are a couple of caveats: it has to be something I REALLY want to see, and most of the time I will go on my own. I don't want to have to talk anyone else into seeing it with me, and then worry about whether or not they're enjoying it. 'Cause that's what I do. Instead, I'll go myself, and enjoy some time alone, with a good story told by good actors. It's relaxing and fun, and I think I've earned a little bit of that.
I saw "Captain America" a few days ago (fun!), and will go see "Fright Night" after the kids have gone back to school. Because David Tennant is in it. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. But I'll pay $10 for DT!!!!!!

And who knows? Maybe I'll even get to see some good theater again!

Anyway.
It's been a hell of a week, and I'm ready for it to be over.

OK, Commence Freaking Out Now

2011-08-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

So I was getting set to take Mom out to see "Captain America" when I got a call from Hubby. He was on a freeway not to far from home when he was rear-ended by an SUV. He was thrown off his motorcycle, but is THANKFULLY ok! But we're staying home tonight. His hand hit his chest as he fell, so he's a bit sore, but otherwise feels fine.
Still, not gonna leave him alone (with the kids) tonight.
The other driver stopped and waited for the highway patrol, which is good. But his front tires were completely bald, so he couldn't stop or maneuver. Not good. He was also going way too fast on a MERGE in a construction zone!
Hubby is a good driver and very physically aware. He moved to the left when he heard tires squealing, and that's probably what saved him from a worse injury. He also wears all his protective gear, all the time.
But I can't help wishing we had a second car.

He's in a bit of shock, and so am I. I think I need to take a walk.

If you don't mind, maybe send some good thoughts and prayers? Thanks!

I Remember (Before I Was A) Mama

2011-08-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Last night, for my birthday, Hubby took me to dinner in the City. We went to a nice sushi place in the Richmond district called Sushi Bistro. Apparently, it used to be housed in a smaller space a few blocks away, but then it was featured in an ad for (I believe) iPhone, and became very popular.
We made early reservations, partly because it gets busy and partly because, well, we're tired these days. So we dropped the kids (and my mom, who's visiting) over at the in-laws' and headed north. I hadn't been to the city in a couple of months, and haven't been there at night in a long time, so it was really nice. I also realized that Hubby and I hadn't gone out alone together in over a year! Between his job, my jobs, the kids and our (until recently) severe lack of money, we hadn't had a date night in waaaaaaay too long!
It was SO relaxing! Just to be able to sit in a restaurant, have other people make and bring the food, then clean up afterwards was such a treat! Add in the fact that we weren't constantly telling someone to sit down, use their indoor voice, stop poking their brother, etc., and it was like a vacation! I'd forgotten what it was like to just sit and relax, like adults. It reminded me of what life was like before it revolved around the kids.
Don't get me wrong: as soon as we got back to my in-laws' I was squishing and kissing my offspring as if I hadn't seen them in days rather than hours.
But it was REALLY nice to spend time alone with my husband.
After dinner we tried to walk around the Marina, but couldn't find parking. So we tried Russian Hill, but couldn't find parking. Finally, we went to the Potrero and to Whole Foods, where I was able to use the ladies' room and do a bit of grocery shopping. Then we left to go get the kids. (And my sister-in law gave me a present: 3 CDs of 80's tunes! SCORE!!!!!!!!))

It was a good reminder that Hubby and I are not JUST parents, but partners, as well. After all, we fell in love with each other first, before we had kids and fell in love with them. And the best gift we can give our kids is to love and care for each other as much as we love and care for them.

And in other news, today is the first day in which BOTH kids are officially on summer break. So if you hear screaming coming from the left side of the country, it's probably me. I will need my yoga class tonight, and perhaps a good stiff drink. Except that I don't drink. Hmmm...this might force me to start...
Tomorrow night I am taking mom top go see "Captain America." Now that I've broken my 5-year movie sabbatical (with "Harry Potter,") and have been watching YouTube videos of last weekends' ComicCon (I WILL get there in person someday!), I have decided to once again fully embrace my inner geek. Granted, I've been partially embracing her since "Doctor Who" came back on the air, but now it's time to go whole-hog. So yes, I will be seeing "Captain America" in a theater.
Plus, it turns out that Chris Evans grew up outside of Boston. Gotta go support the home team!

And the fact that Richard Armitage is in it doesn't hurt either, lol!

Hacked!

2011-07-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

It happened again.
3 years ago a guy in North Carolina got hold of my credit card number and bought a bunch of stuff at WalMart. Unluckily for him, my bank alerted me and I wasn't charged. Even worse for him, my brother the FBI agent was stationed nearby at the time. He went to the Wal-Mart & looked at all the security tapes, got the guy's image and car, and found his address. Unfortunately for me, he didn't get enough info for a warrant. so he couldn't bust him. But the guy has pretty much been on the radar of the FBI and local police ever since.
This morning I decided to check my Amazon trade-in account, as I wanted to add a few items. When my log in info came up, my name was attached to an email account I have never seen before. I called them, and, long story short, it turns out someone hacked into my account and bought two Kindles.
Well, tried to buy two Kindles. They're not going to receive them, because my Amazon account, as well as all my credit and debit accounts, are frozen. A fraud alert has been reported, and hopefully that is the end of it.
But I'm nervous. I REALLY hope this is the end of it!
So aside from work, most of my day was spent on the phone and at the bank. I'm in limbo, wondering if there's another shoe out there waiting to drop, and without credit or debit cards for a few days. Luckily I was able to take care of some financial issues (grocery shopping, gassing up the car, depositing my paycheck) yesterday, because I wouldn't have been able to do it today.
Just by chance, yesterday I did an internet search of my name. Basically there is no privacy anymore. Pretty much ALL my info was out there, from my various addresses & phone numbers, to my voting preferences, to how much our house is worth.
And then I was hacked.
So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty wrung out and vulnerable right now. One consolation is that anyone who tries to steal my I.D will end up with my fairly crappy credit rating.
Hmmm...maybe I should declare bankruptcy? That'd pi** 'em off!

Isn't technology supposed to make life easier?

Yogahhhhhh!

2011-07-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

I went to a yoga class tonight. Anusara yoga, my favorite kind. There were only 2 of us in the class, and we ended up helping each other into handstands. It was fun, it was challenging, and it was EXACTLY what I needed!
After spending the morning running errands with LG (who was very helpful, placing an eggplant and a single avocado in the grocery cart, asking to go ice skating, and pointing at "Armadillo Willy's" repeatedly and asking to go, probably because he probably thought it was a place like Chuck E. Cheese. Unfortunately it's just an adequate BBQ chain), we came home and got WG off the bus, then I spent the next couple of hours keeping her from playing in the toilet. Yup. It's as disgusting as it sounds. I thought we'd finished with that a couple of years ago, but it's summer, and apparently any body of water will do when she want to play. And now she can climb over the baby gate.
Joy.
So as soon as Hubby came home, off I went. And it was glorious! It reminded me why I prefer to do yoga in a class, rather than by myself. And why I like Anusara more than other types: it's all about focusing on the anatomy of the pose, rather than the "burn." Maybe I don't shed quite as many calories as I do during Bikram, but I worked up a good sweat, got a great workout, and felt about a billion times better after the class.
And the teacher said something at the beginning that, frankly, I really needed to hear: she talked about a big decision she recently felt she had to make, and two options. The more she thought about it, the more anxious she became. She talked about feeling "contracted," curled up in a tight little ball of anxiety, until she realized she not only didn't have to make the decision right away, but there were more than 2 choices. And suddenly she felt herself expanding again, kinda like the Big Bang. That out of something painful, something beautiful was created. She said "I am a free being." And it was a HUGE reminder that I get myself tied into knots and feeling trapped, and I have the power to free myself all along.

Just like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz," lol!

It's easy, in times like these, to see people as "other." To demonize, or dehumanize them. But I was reminded tonight that we're all just people, living in frightening, unsure times, and that while, yes there are a few who are truly evil (Anders Behring Breivik being one), the majority of us are really, basically, good. And we are connected, whether we want to thin so or not.

We all sat and chatted for a bit after class, and it was so nice! This is a brand new studio, run by a woman who also teaches at the JCC. She even told me I could pay for the class next time, since I didn't have the cash on me!
i will definitely be going back, and maybe (hopefully) bringing some friends.

Oh, and I'll be doing a lot more handstands against the wall at home!

Ding!

2011-07-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

A big, thousand-watt light bulb went off this morning. I was reading "My Formerly Hot Like" (courtesy of Leslie, thank you!) (And yes, I'm reading it s-l-o-w-l-y, lol!) and she writes about her part-time obsession with plastic surgery. She hasn't had any, but she thinks about it a lot, and sometimes researches it on the web.
I started thinking about my own obsessions. Back in L.A., it was, of course, my body, which I thought was too fat and roly-poly. Yes, I obsessed over it. And I remember when we were moving up here, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, "Hey, I look THIN!" And realized that that happened a lot: in L.A I felt huge, but anywhere else I felt (and looked) fine.
Then we moved here permanently, I gained 30 pounds, and now I really am roly-poly.
Sigh.
I still obsess about it, but not quite as much. I think IE has helped me to accept that will never be a stick figure, and, more to the pint, I don't WANT to be. I've lost a few pounds, and plan on losing more. But not in the same way I used to. 'Cause look where THAT got me!
However, all that obsession had to go somewhere, since I obviously haven't learned to truly deal with it yet. So it has turned to politics.
And I can't decide if that's better or worse. On one hand, I'm glad I no longer have the same level of body hatred I used to have, but all that hatred has turned outward, toward people I don't even know personally. And I don't like the feeling. I may not agree with a person's politics, may even truly believe those politics are harmful, but does that mean I have to hate the PERSON? They're human, after all, and like I said, I don't actually know them. I always thought of myself as a fair minded, decent person, willing to give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt. But now I feel myself getting so enraged at certain folks that I, yes, believe I hate them.
?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
But it's a relief to now that a BIG part of that hatred is not necessarily directed toward them, any more than it was really about my waistline. It's something else. Something I really need to think about and talk about (with my therapist) so I can finally just LET IT GO!
Last week she asked me an interesting question (she has a lot of those, lol!): What would I do with all the energy I use in obsessing about things over which I have no control if I STOPPED obsessing?
This is probably a big reason I'm so tired ALL THE TIME. It takes a lot of energy to be so obsessive, lol!

I know a big part of all this is trying to feel that sense of control. For someone like me, who hasn't always had a say in my own life, control can become very important. And feeling helpless or at the mercy of someone else is just awful. Like living on a fault line. (Which, actually, we kinda do, but that's another post.) The idea that someone could come along at any moment and pull the rug out from underneath you is maddening and frightening. And it has happened. I think I mentioned my uncle's suicide when he was let go from the mental health institution he'd been living at after they lost a lot their government funding. It makes me think the same could happen to my kids after I'm gone. Who's going to take care of them? What if they're in a group home and the funding goes away? We're trying to save money for their future, but what if it's not enough?
And it's not just that, but also the million different ways that, growing up, I was powerless. Made to feel less than I am. It's hard to let go of all that, but I'm doing my best.
One of those ways, possibly, is Krav Maga. I know I've said it before, but I'm going to go take a class and, if I still like it, get back into it. Not only will I continue to learn how to defend myself, I think it will help me calm my mind. Give me a sense of control, yes, but also help make peace with the things I can't control. (Serenity Prayer, anyone? I could use some of that, too!)

Anyway, I've felt more at peace today than I have in a while. Hopefully I can stay mindful of all this, and calm the heck down!

What the What What?!?!

2011-07-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Man, I really AM getting older! If the extra weight, gray hairs and wrinkles were a subtle clue, the past few days were a sledgehammer to my thick head.
On Monday I DID NOT do yoga OR take the kids to the pool. I sat on the couch and even fell asleep there for a bit. Yesterday I managed to get to the grocery store and post office. We even took the kids to the pool. I swam for a whopping 10 minutes, then retired to the hot tub. I have just had ZERO energy. My recovery time from last week is a whole lot longer than I thought it would be. Luckily I'm feeling less sludge-like today. I'm going to take LG to the pool this morning and teaching a class tonight. I'm off tomorrow, then teaching again on Friday and Saturday.
I must say that this, well, it sucks. To be THIS tired after hosting 2 birthday parties. Well, that and working. And taking care of the kids. But honestly, it feels like I'm 197 years old! I'm 42!
I realize that some people just naturally have more energy. Hubby, for example. He can get 4 hours of sleep, then go work a full day at the VA clinic, rock climb for 5 hours, then go have a beer with his buddies without suffering any ill effects. It's SO not fair! Plus, he still looks about 15 years younger. He has a lightening-fast metabolism , too boot. I, on the other hand, have a metabolism that moves as quickly as a turtle on sleeping pills, look every day of my age, and need at least 8 hours to function at a basic level.
And I STILL have Mom Brain, lol!

On the other hand, I did do ALL the planning and set up for the first party, and 99% of it for the second party. And I subbed a class on Saturday, before the big bash, as well as teaching my regular class. And did a good chunk of the house cleaning. (Hubby did a thorough vacuuming job, bless him!) I think I'm going to need more help, from here on out, in setting up any festivities.

Another lesson learned. It may take a virtual sledgehammer to the head, but I DO learn eventually!

So. Tired.

2011-07-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

This was Thursday:
Wake up, feed WG, make her lunch/snack, get her on the bus. What is the Dog doing? OK, gotta go clean that up. Wake up LG, feed him his birthday breakfast, sing "Happy Birthday" (which he hates), give him lots of hugs & kisses (which he tolerates), and tickles (which he loves). Then it was off to school, armed with gluten-free, non-dairy "cream"-filled cupcakes. After dropping him off, I went to the gynecologist (yay.) for my annual, then to my favorite new coffee place for a well-deserved mocha.
Off the the grocery store to order a cake big enough for 15-20 people for the party on Saturday (26 cupcakes shaped like a swimming pool!) and some snacks for same. Home to put everything away, then back to school to pick up LG. Home for lunch, get WG off the bus, then we left for Bounce U, where we met up with my S-I-L, LG's teacher, and some of the kids from his class for 90 minutes of jumping and sliding. After a snack, we all went our separate ways. Home again for dinner, then off to the pool for an hour. Finally, baths, brushing teeth, and a face-plant into our pillows for the next 8 hours.

Friday, kids to school, me to couch. Failure to clean house despite having the entire day off.

Saturday, taught 2 classes in the morning, then picked up food & cake, Hubby & I cleaned the house. 16 people arrived for the party, and much fun was had by all. We took the kids to the pool for 90 minutes, as well.

Sunday: Hubby & kids drop me off at an actual, real live movie theater so I can see "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, Part 2." The first movie in a theater I've seen in 5 years. Holy canolis, they show COMMERCIALS now?!?!?! In the movie theater?!?!?! That blows! Luckily I have my crack, er, Kindle, so I can ignore them.
Also, my calves are killing me. I am so sore all over! Realize, yet again, that I am no longer 25.

Hubby & kids pick me up, and we head over to the in-laws' place, where Hubby has been cleaning out the yard to make room for a storage shed. After a while, including playtime with the pups and shopping at Trader Joe's, we head home. Dinner, some quiet time, then it's off to bed after a fun, if exhausting, weekend.

Now it's Monday morning. The Dog woke me at 3 AM to do some business, and I had trouble falling back asleep. And a WHOLE lotta trouble waking up, but I did it. WG is at school, LG is on vacation, and we're waiting for the cable guy to show to make a few adjustments to our service. Later I'll so some yoga, then tonight maybe we'll take the kids to the pool again.

And maybe we'll go to bed early.

Happy Birthday, LG!

2011-07-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

He's 10 years old today (July 14th)!!!!!! Kinda hard to believe. We're taking him, WG, and his classmates to the bouncy house later and, if I have any energy left and it's not raining, we'll head to the pool after dinner.

I'm a Fickle, Fickle Female. (Or Maybe Just ADD...)

2011-07-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

So I know I mentioned my Barre workouts, and I do love them. I've also been doing some Tracy Anderson workouts. She's kind of freaky, especially with food (400-700 calories A DAY?!?!?! Um, thanks, but I've already met your Irish-Latin friend, Anne O' Rexia, and we are no longer on speaking terms), and with her whole "women should never lift weights higher than 3 pounds" thing, but her workouts are actually pretty fun.

But earlier today I busted out my Cosgrove books, Alwyn and Rachel, and decided to do a workout from "The New Rules of Lifting for Women." It took 25 minutes, wore me out, and was REALLY FUN!!!!! I felt good afterwards, as well. Good enough to swim some laps when we took the kids to the pool. The book says that 3 of these workouts a week is ideal, 2 is OK, and 1 is not enough. So I'm trying to figure out how to work in the workouts with barre, Pilates, Tracy, and everything else. Because sometimes I can do a bit much, exercise-wise. I don't want to work out 12 hours a week anymore. It's painful and damaging, physically and psychically. And I want to get my yoga in, because that helps keep me sane. (To me it's more of a mental exercise than a physical one.)

All of this makes me wonder; am I doing something wrong? Should I stick with one exercise program for a while (say, a month or 3), or is it OK to keep mixing and matching?
Or maybe just chill the heck out and do what I want. So there, nattering squirrels in my head. Pthpthpthpth.

*BREAKING NEWS*
We are NOT moving next month. The short sale fell through and will be be going into foreclosure. Not great, but it gives us more time, and the kids can stay in their schools for the next few months, at least. And the way I see it, if the bank doesn't want to work with us, two responsible adults who paid the mortgage on time every month for 5 years, then we'll walk away and the house will be their problem, not ours.
At first I thought foreclosure equaled failure. But it doesn't, and we have done everything humanly possible (short of declaring bankruptcy) to salvage the situation, and nothing has worked. Things happen for a reason, and all will be well.

New Stuff!

2011-07-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Here's the post I was working on before I morphed into The Terminator.

You might think that living just south of (IMHO) one of the best, most vibrant and beautiful cities in the world, we'd have a plethora of really good, independent coffee places. Sadly, this is not the case. Sure, go north into the City or south to Silicon Valley (where coffee is basically THE food group) or over one of the bridges and in to Oakland or Berkeley and you're fine, but for some reason, here on the Peninsula it is very difficult to find a really good cuppa without visiting the chains. (I have NO issues with the chains, but I do like to support local merchants, and to try something new once in a while).
Well, all that has changed! Thanks to Yelp! I found a new place. Not only does it have GREAT coffee, it is a beautiful space with free Wi-Fi, plenty of seating, and good food. OK, the food LOOKS good, I didn't actually try it. It's also near my doctor's office (and right next door to a nice mystery book store). And they have those little punch cards where you get the 10th drink free. Love that!

Not loving the new Verizon tier plans, however. Hubby and I had been trying to upgrade our phones before July 6th, when the new plans took effect and the unlimited plans were ended. Basically, if you got an unlimited plan before the 6th, you could have it for life. But we're not due to upgrade our phones until November, which means that in order to get a smartphone on the unlimited plan we'd have had to pay full price. And let me tell ya, until they come out with a smartphone that does the dishes and the laundry and babysits the kids, I am NOT paying $600 for one!!!!!!
We tried working with Verizon. We begged. We reminded them that a) we've been loyal customers for 8 years and b) we're trying to GIVE THEM MORE MONEY!!!!!!! Because even with the unlimited plan, we'd be paying $50 more a month!
If you are a new customer, they will give you a GREAT deal: iPhones and the like for $199 plus the unlimited plan. If you're an existing customer? Well, they've already got you, they have the good technology, they have something of a monopoly, and they could not care less about you. Why should they? Chances are very few people will switch to a different carrier. Virgin Mobile has great plans, but the phones are fairly basic and they don't have nearly the same coverage. Same with Sprint and others.
(BTW, Verizon has bought the domain name "verizonsucks.com" so that no one else can use it. But one industrious soul has created "verizonsucksass.com." The hatred of Verizon, even on its own boards, is legion.)
Despite all this, Hubby has found a way around some of the red tape. I'm kind of hesitant to write about it, but suffice to say it's fairly brilliant.
And, come November, I still get my cheap(ish) iPhone. I'm hoping that, since the iPhone 5 will have been out for a couple of months, the earlier models will be even less expensive. We'll see.

Moving on to a MUCH happier (and way cuter) subject, WG is confirming that she is part fish. Every day she tries to put on her swim diaper and bathing suit by herself, letting us know that she would like to go to the pool. She also stalks my husband as he does his laps: she gets out of the pool and skips alongside him, then gives him the sign for "more" when he stops. If he doesn't go right away, she gives him a little push. He calls her "Coach," lol! It's so cute!
And LG is jumping into the deep end, doing flips, and swimming under water for long periods. So, I guess we have TWO fish.

We also have these really cool nocturnal birds that live here. They're not owls or nighthawks, so I'm not exactly sure what they are, but they're pretty cool-looking. Anyway, when we were at the pool at dusk the other day, one of them flew in and settled on a branch not far from us, just sitting and watching. Then it flew and settled on an even closer branch. It stayed there, looking at us, until another family came to the pool. As soon as it saw them, it flew away. But it was really cool!!!!! He stayed with us for 15-20 minutes.

We'll be off to the pool again soon. Hopefully without incident. But at least Hubby will be there to help. Always good to have an ally!

Have a great weekend!

They Have Been Warned.

2011-07-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so I had this whole other post ready to go. But then an Incident happened at the pool. I don't want to go into details, because I'm finally managing to calm myself down, and, as they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Not that I'm looking to exact revenge, but this person should NOT be expecting an apology from me anytime soon. Unless she cares to offer a mea culpa first. But I'm not holding my breath. People who feel free to be nasty to a 7 year-old, even after said child's mother has explained that the child is Autistic, cannot understand her, and that Mom has been doing her best to keep BOTH children out of the way so that Ms. Byotch can swim her laps and Ms. B CONTINUES to live up to her namesake, well, suffice to say I highly doubt she will see the error of her ways any time soon.
Another life lesson learned. I no longer feel any responsibility to try to reason with people who are completely UNreasonable. I think G-d has been trying to teach me this lesson for a while. I also think He's trying to help me to not miss this place once we move. Because honestly, every time I start to feel sad about leaving, something happens to make me glad!
I cannot tell you how many NASTY women I have had awful encounters with over the past 5 years! And it always happens around here, and always when I'm minding my own, trying to get through the day, not be too intrusive, and obey traffic laws. Seriously, these women have GOT to find new hobbies!!!!! Ones that don't include making other people as miserable as they are.
So here is my warning:

To all the nasty, bitchy, self-centered, overly-privileged people who think the world belongs to you:
It doesn't.
Not even the pool belongs to you.
You have to share.
If you don't like it, tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal.
Your inconvenience is not my problem.
And now this, above all: If you are mean to my kids, I will pull a Ms. Hyde on your ass. You think you know from Bitchy? I will transform, in front of your eyes, into the Biggest, Baddest Bitch this world or any other has ever seen, and I will make you wish you'd been born a slug. Because I try not to step on slugs. But I will step on you. Repeatedly. Until you are Crushed, and run home crying.
Got it?

You have been warned.

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

To all my U.S. friends! Geo, I hop you had a great Canada Day!
I think the 4th is my favorite holiday next to Halloween. (And for the first time in 4 years, Hubby is home to celebrate with us, yay!!!!!) Last year I threw my back out on the 3rd, so the 4th was, well, painful. But this year we're going to the beach. I have a cold, but it's on its way out. I'm DETERMINED to have a good day, lol!

So stay safe & enjoy the festivities!

Getting in a Workout. Or Not.

2011-07-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I managed to ingrain in myself the idea that I MUST workout 6 days a week, preferably for at least an hour. Since then I have repeatedly told myself that this is, in fact, NOT true, and I can work out 5 days, or 4 or 3 or even take a week off now and again. I try not to be compulsive about it. The way I'm compulsive about, oh, pretty much EVERYTHING. It's that "worst-case scenario" talent I have. If I don't exercise today, I'll let it slide tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on until I resemble Jabba the Hut, sitting around on the couch with hot slave girls chained to me.
Of course, that's NOT gonna happen (I am a feminist, after all, and wouldn't dream of demeaning anyone that way!), but, as I said, it's deeply ingrained. As is the idea that 1500 calories /day is an ideal number. Even with my strides in IE, that dang number is still there. The fact that I never stop at 1500 has been a niggling source of guilt.
Even though I discovered recently that for my body and lifestyle, 1500 is the MINIMUM amount of calories I need to take in each day.
So what's a girl to do?
KBO, I guess. In the worlds of Winston Churchill, at least on "Doctor Who." Keep Buggering On. Continue to get in touch with how I'm feeling. Try to figure out what I need when a craving hits and I'm not actually, physically, hungry.
And really, really, REALLY TRULY take a vacation!!!!!!! Hubby has offered to send me to a spa overnight in wine country. Why am I not leaping at the offer?!?!?!
Because I'm truly on the verge of total burnout. Between 3 weeks of one child and then the other on vacation and work and the move, I can feel the boiling point coming. I'd better do something before I blow!
I believe I've mentioned a colleague who teaches something like 18 classes a week AND has 3 kids, and I wonder how she does it? Because she takes frequent vacations! They go skiing in the winter on weekends, visit her family in the summer on the east coast, and generally just take time off. The result? She is SANE.
And now that, maybe, we'll actually have a bit of money left over each month after the bills are paid, we can go away now and again. Do fun stuff. Not worry about my caloric intake, number of steps taken, or hours worked out.
Basically I need to chill. All around. In every way.

So, peace out, dudes!

Learning to Like Myself

2011-06-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

For years we've been hearing about learning to love ourselves. And it's definitely important. But what about LIKING ourselves? 'Cause it's possible to love someone without liking them all that much, right?
Over the past decade, since our son and then our daughter came along, I've spent much more time at home. Before the kids came along I was ALWAYS crazy-busy: due to the nature of my work, I'd drive from one job to another to another, teaching here, rehearsing there, then going for an audition or job interview somewhere else. In the Spring of '98 I drove from the San Fernando Valley to Pomona on Mondays and Wednesdays to teach all day at Cal Poly, then to San Diego on Tuesdays and Thursdays to teach at UCSD. After my Thursday class I'd drive to West L.A in rush hour traffic to perform in "Romeo & Juliet," which we performed 5 times over the next 4 days. Sunday nights, after the last show of the week, I'd chill for a bit, then start all over again the next morning. I'd had a similar schedule since graduating from college.
So when the kids came along and I became a stay-at-home mom, it was a bit of an adjustment. Especially when Hubby went off on tour, and it was me & the kids 24/7. However they were very young, and I was very busy. So the days (and nights) were taken up with preschool, diaper changes, cleaning, cooking, their therapies, and all that other mom stuff.
Nowadays the kids are in school most of the day, and when I'm not working, I find myself, well, by myself. And, as much as I groused about how busy I was until recently, I think subconsciously I did it on purpose. But then reality hit: I'm not 25 anymore,. I don't have the same time and energy I had back then, and I need to to ease up a bit and learn to stand my own company. Even when the kids are home, Hubby often isn't. And the kids are able to amuse themselves now without doing permanent damage to themselves or the house (unlike the Great Sharpie Incident of '06), so I'm still left to my own devices.
I've thought about taking up a nice quiet hobby. Like knitting. But I'm too hyper for that, I think. I don't know that I have the patience to learn, and I get frustrated easily. I COULD try being adult about it, but where's the fun in THAT?!?!?!
So maybe I'll go back to writing. Just for myself. Putting down on paper all the stories in my head. I used to really enjoy that. And knowing that I'm the only one who will ever read any of it takes the pressure off.
But I STILL have to learn to be in my own skin. To take my own advice and take a deep breath, close my eyes, and chill.
To pay attention.

I really think it'll solve a lot of my issues!!!!!

OK. So now, I need to get some sleep. Have a good night!

Hitting the Bar(re)

2011-06-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've been loving my ballet barre-type workouts lately. I have a bunch of them: Bar Method, Cardio Barre, Dailey Method, Squeeze, and a couple others. (I also have Yoga Booty Ballet, but haven't done it in a while. Might be time to bust it out again.) I love how such tiny, focused movements can be so challenging! I don't have a portable ballet barre (I know, all the COOL kids have one!) so I just use a chair. Or the kitchen table (don't worry, I don't put my feet on the table, lol!). I also love how it gets my heart rate up and even sometimes makes me feel less klutzy and almost, ALMOST, graceful.
There are Bar Method and Dailey Method studios nearby, but seeing as it costs $20 per class and WG is home on summer vacay right now, I'm going to stick with the DVDs. I did try a Bar Method workout at the studio once. The class was great; really fun and challenging, but I felt disturbingly like a Stepford wife; all the women were white suburban moms, ALL wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. Except for me. I was wearing LUCY pants with a Lululemon top, lol! Plus, they were all so SERIOUS! It was like competitive barre work or something! It was really freaky and made me not want to go back. I know some people like to be serious and focused during their workouts, and I completely respect that. But I like a bit of fun and humor injected into mine. One of the best Bikram classes I ever took was with a really flamboyant teacher who was constantly cracking jokes and making us all laugh. Sure, it made the poses that much more challenging, but it was also more fun!
Anyway, doing these workouts at home also gives me the freedom to fantasize that I'm warming up for my duet with Baryshnikov at Lincoln Center. I took ballet as a little girl, and again for a bit in grad school (it was part of the curriculum), but it was pretty clear early on that prima ballerina was not going to be on my resume. No regrets, really, but it's fun to pretend. Plus, I don't have to go through all the nasty stuff, like bulimia and anorexia, bloody feet, intense competition and severe lack of self-esteem.
OK, wait; I DID go through all of that (except for the bloody feet). But it wasn't always enforced and encouraged by instructors and directors. (I've mentioned the rumor about the pipes at Julliard having to be replaced every few months, haven't I?) Because as much as I went through as an actor, I have a feeling it was nothing compared to what ballerinas go through.
Luckily, I don't have to suffer ANY of it anymore, because I'm just working out to a DVD.

Which brings me to yet another awkward transition: Makeovers.
If you are a female, chances are you have been reading about/watching makeovers since you were old enough to sneak a peek at "Seventeen." Lord knows there have been a glut of makeover shows in the past decade, for better (Carson Kressley's "Look Good Naked") or worse ("The Biggest Loser," Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition"). And then there are the sabotage makeovers: unsuspecting women are accosted on the street, dragged into a TV studio, photographed, then plucked, snipped, dyed, twirled, highlighted, painted, and have brand-new clothes thrown on them before being paraded in front of a studio audience and compared to their "before" photos to the wild applause of the audience. As if to say "Wow! You actually walked around in PUBLIC looking like THAT?! Thank goodness we found you and saved you!!!!"

But...
What about a voluntary makeover? Going to the cosmetics counter for advice and maybe a free makeup session. (Well, the session is free, but you often end up walking away with a heavy bag of new supplies and a much lighter wallet.) Or simply getting a new haircut, or a wardrobe consultation.
See, I used to see some of these makeovers as a passive-aggressive way of saying "You weren't good enough as you were. NOW you are worthy." But I find myself stuck in a rut. the last time I updated my makeup style I was in my early 30's, my hair just sort of, well, HANGS there, and my wardrobe consists of my black, gray, and dark blue workout clothes. I feel tired, but does that mean I have to LOOK tired? DO I have to keep looking like the exhausted, chubby, frumpy hausfrau I've become?
No, I don't believe I do. Except I don't even know where to begin. I don't have a lot of money to spend, so the cosmetics counter is out (I'm weak). I'm thinking of throwing myself on the mercy of the cosmetology students at the local community college.
We shall see how it all goes.

In the meantime, it's time to go get lunch ready for the kids. When daddy comes home we'll go swimming. And later, my favorite activity: sleep!

Have a good one!

Musings

2011-06-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

First of all, happy Father's Day to all you dads out there! Regardless of the fact that the media would have us believe that all Dad wants/needs is a polo shirt, a drill, and a set of BBQ tongs, we know how awesome and amazing you are!

Zombies. (Yes, odd segue, sorry!)
There's been A LOT of talk about zombies lately. Some of it in jest (check out the book "How to Speak Zombie: A Guide for the Living." It's hilarious!) and some of it, not so much.
What would you do in the event of a zombie apocalypse?
Personally, I'd hand the kids off to my husband, since he runs a whole lot faster than I do. And I think the zombies would probably leave me alone, as I'd most likely be mistaken for one of them. Heck, I'm halfway there already! Everybody wins! (The eating of brains would take some getting used to, however...)

Facebook. Let's face it, I'm lonely. I don't have friends in my immediate vicinity (so sad and so true), so I rely on the internet to keep in touch with people. I realize how pathetic that is, and am trying to rectify the situation. But, quite frankly, it can be hard to make friends with other moms/parents because their kids are typical and they just don't want to hang around us, and the parents of other autistic kids are just too dang tired! Heck, I'M tired. So for the time being I'll socialize electronically.

Finally, today was Ride A Wave, the day that a group of AMAZING volunteers take kids with special needs out on the water. I wish I could describe how amazing it was, but there really are no words! It started with Annalise, WG's "Beach Buddy," the volunteer who took care of her during the event. They connected right away, and when WG wasn't in the water, she was wrapped around Annalise. It was SO SWEET!
They also offered to let LG participate, even though it was for the students at WG's school. He'd been running around in the (really frickin' cold!) water, but as soon as we put the wet suit, helmet, and life jacket on, her started throwing a fit and refusing to take part. Ah well. Maybe next year! But it was so wonderful of them to offer, and the fella assigned to be his Beach Buddy was REALLY nice and very patient.
WG ended up spending 2 hours straight in the water, smiling and sqee-ing the whole time. Last year she did the boogie board a couple of times and went out on the kayak, and that was it. This year she boogie boarded about 12,000 times (even wore out the volunteers, lol!), went on the kayak, and then on a surfboard, where she was able to get up on her knees on her own, and onto her feet with help. Before falling in, which was her favorite part. But they finally had to take her out of the water when she started shivering uncontrollably and her lips turned blue, lol! She would've kept going if we'd let her, though! She spent more time in the water than anyone else, and we were all amazed. She's still in a great mood, and I think she'll sleep really well tonight. (Plus, I see some possible surfing lessons at some point in her future.)
I'm so flippin' proud of her and amazed by her I can barely stand it! And LG loves the beach, he just doesn't want to be constrained, if ya know what I mean.

Now it is 7:30 PM and I'm ready for bed. Have a good night!

Get Out the Leg Warmers!!!!!!

2011-06-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have found a tap class! It's 4 Mondays, at 8 PM, and it's practically right down the street! I could ride my bike there if I weren't such a terrible street rider (I tend to stick to trails). I've also found a discount dance supply shop that will sell me ready-made shoes for $30. But I don't even need the shoes right away; they ask that we start off in athletic or jazz shoes until we decide we want to continue. How cool is THAT?!

I'm also going to be teaching another mat Pilates class, on Thursdays, at a community center nearby. It'll start in September and will be at 5:30 PM, so I can be home in time to get the kids fed , bathed, and into bed.

I've also proposed a specialty class at work. Every month we have Free Bring-A-Friend-Fridays, which culminates in a class offering that isn't on the schedule. My boss sent out an email asking for suggestions, and here is mine:
"Pil-80's! A combination of standing and traditional Pilates incorporating light weights, all set to an 80's soundtrack. Come dressed in your best 80's gear: leotards, headbands, leg warmers, etc. Sequins are optional, spandex is awesome!"
(I was going to say that sequins are optional but DESIRED, but we're trying to get a mix of men and women into the class. Even in Nor Cal, the sequins might turn off the dudes, unfortunately.)

My boss says she loves it, but I think she needs to hear other options before deciding which one to go with.
When I was training to be a teacher, I imagined having theme nights. One, of course, would be 80's, while others could include heavy metal, country, goth, even science fiction and various eras. But it's not really allowed; it is, after all, a gym and not a theater. And I kinda wanted to be taken seriously and keep my job, lol!
This would allow me to live the dream, if only for one night!

So let me get your opinion: would YOU go to an 80's-themed Pilates class? Even if you've never done Pilates? Would it turn you off if you're a regular Pilates attendee?
Let me know what you think.

In other news, I finally heard from a couple of folks at the synagogue. They were both very supportive and understanding. Also asked if I've spoken with my co-teacher and immediate supervisor. But still not a word. Maybe she's on vacation (Like Geosimin suggested, because she's waaaaaaaay smarter than I am). Either way, it's done. Hopefully they can find someone who will be a little less scattered than I was.

Finally, did anyone watch the Tony Awards last night? I always watch, even though I no longer live in New York and am not part of the "in" crowd. (There was a time when I'd seen almost all the nominated shows; these days I haven't even heard of most of them, lol!) Neil Patrick Harris hosted again, and did a terrific job. The opening number (It's Not Just for Gays Anymore!") was hilarious, and his rap at the end was brilliant. Hugh Jackman sang and danced, which is always a highlight, and the horses from "The War Horse" were AMAZING!!!!!! Plus, hey, Joel Grey, "Anything Goes," Chris Rock, and just getting to see hugely talented, deserving folks get their due is always a good time. And the speeches by Nicki M.James and Norbert Leo Butz (who mentioned his sister, who was murdered 2 years ago) were very moving. Mark Rylance proved once again how wonderfully nutty he is, while Daniel Radcliffe showed off some serious hoofing skills.

I must say, though, that even as a U2 fan (and former rabid fan), the "Spiderman" musical looks pretty bad. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm off to lift some weights and resurrect my dram of tap dancing on Broadway!
And take LG to the pool, if it ever warms up.

Dare I Say I Made the Right Choice?

2011-06-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

So I decided not to continue my drama teaching gig in the fall. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone; not to my kids, the kids in the program, or my fellow teachers, with everything going on. I'd be too distracted and spread too thin, and of no use to anyone. I came to this decision after thinking long and hard about it, and I did not make it lightly.
I emailed my supervisors about my decision, and apologized for not being able to continue, and that I'm happy to sub or help out any way I can. And the response?
Crickets.
I'm not waiting for (or wanting) them to fall on their knees and thank me or beg me to reconsider. I just want an email telling me they got MY email. I'd settle for a "You suck and I wouldn't have you back in these hallowed halls for all the tea in China!" I just want to know they got my emails!!!!!

On the other end of the spectrum, I just got off the phone with a man who was kinda my mentor when I was in my early 20's. The one who planted the seed in my head, many years ago, about drama therapy. I had emailed him a few days ago, and he emailed me back the next day (See?!?! It's not that hard, people!) and told me to call him anytime. So I called him tonight. And even though it was 11 PM on the east coast and he'd just gotten out of rehearsal, he spent 45 minutes on the phone with me, answering my questions, listening to my theories/experiences, telling me about his, and encouraging me to go for it. He also told me to call, email, or text him "in a heartbeat" if I had any other questions or if I see/read something that I either want to share or get feedback on. And it reminded me of all the amazing things I learned at that theater company, and what art CAN be, as opposed to all the competition and egotism and other crud I experienced later on. And that rehearsal can be fun, a place to play, and to find our voices, and to feel safe to express. That actors and students can and SHOULD be appreciated. Not worshiped, just appreciated, instead of belittled and dumped on. And that there must be empathy, all the time. Because people are baring their souls.
THAT'S the kind of work I did years ago, and what I want to do again.

Finally, a few words on WeinerGate: Dear Politicians, privacy goes poof! when you publicly post pictures of your pecker! (Ya putz!)
I'm at the point where I'm just gonna take it for granted that the majority of our elected officials will cheat on their spouses, hire call girls/guys, take and email nasty pictures of themselves, lie about hiking the Appalachian trail while running off to Brazil with their mistresses, and quite possibly have a penchant for deviant behavior. It'll be news when one of them DOESN'T do any of the above.
As a guy on the radio said yesterday, "If we assume that 10% of the general public are knuckleheads, ya gotta allow for at least the same percentage in Congress."
So can we PLEASE get back to covering things like the economy and what's going on in Syria, and stop showing the pictures of these guys' pecs and, um, pecks? 'Cause I REALLY don't want to see that!!!!!!

Thank you for listening. Or, reading.

The Blues and Seeing Red

2011-06-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's all the foggy, rainy weather (hello, climate? Um, It's June! In CALIFORNIA!!!!!!), but I've been a bit blue. And seeing red. Perhaps also a bit green with envy in some instances?
(And isn't it interesting how we attach colors to emotions? Tickled pink. Sunny, happy yellow. Feeling gray and blah. Etc.)
I've been craving chai lattes. With soy or almond milk. Very specific, that. (And I really, really, really REALLY don't think it's a you-know-what craving. Fervently praying it's NOT! I REALLY don't think it is.) I've also discovered a new Godiva chocolate bar: Vanilla Sundae. Dark chocolate with vanilla truffle cream inside. And it is YUM-MY!!!!!!!! Apparently they have a whole line of ice cream-inspired chocolate, and this is one of them. The only one I've tried thus far.
And, can I say, a piece of that together with a chai latte? Heaven, lol!

I've also been thinking about what to get Hubby for Father's day. It won't be nearly as good as what he got me (my beloved Kindle), but I gotta do SOMETHING. I was thinking of buying him the entire series of "One West Waikiki" on DVD, which was the show he was on in the early 90's, but it's been discontinued. One seller is selling it on EBay, but there's an episode missing, and I'd really like to get him the whole set. He was in nearly every episode, after all. (There was a contract dispute, and he was written out of one episode. But all was resolved. Um, well at least until the show was canceled.)
So, I'll keep searching.
I COULD bite the bullet and send him to Yosemite for a weekend. With his climbing buddies. As long as the weather is OK.
Not a bad idea, actually. And the kids are a little easier now. Plus the pool is open...

OK, another random riff: David Mamet, the playwright, has declared he's no longer a "brain dead liberal." Yes, after years of anti-capitalism riffs, taking grant money from the government as a struggling young writer and as a theater co-founder (including an NEA grant last year), he has decided that he shouldn't have to pay taxes, help anyone else out in any way, that global warming is a myth, and that liberals are all a bunch of anti-semites.
Let me talk about why I give a damn about anything this guy says: in college we were force-fed Mamet. Told over and over and over again about his "brilliance." Force-marched to his plays. And if we deigned to say that we didn't like his work? Well, LOOK OUT!!!!! Guaranteed F in that class, let me tell ya! His young acting students, most NYU graduates themselves, came to speak to us one day. They were in their early-to-mid-20's and, as many of us are at that age, quite full of themselves. They scoffed at us, telling us to leave the worthless university environment and strike out on our own. (No one mentioned the fact that they had all GRADUATED from the very same university they were now disparaging and, oh yeah, they had been hand-picked by David Mamet, while at NYU, to run his experiment and start his company, and did not, by any means, "strike out on their own." Many are actors who are now fairly well-known and recognizable. I have met many of them in the years since and, thankfully, they have mellowed considerably and are now quite lovely, lol!)
But one of the points that was made over and over again was that it was possible to build one's own company because of ALL THE GOVERNMENT GRANT MONEY AVAILABLE!!!!!!! (This was the 80's.) And we were fools, FOOLS, for not taking advantage of it (at the ripe old age of 18).
I was in the anti-Mamet camp. Along with a lot of other female students. We thought (and still think) that he is a ridiculous, angry-at-the-world-for-who-knows-why, self-centered misogynist. And hearing him speak years later only confirmed that opinion. I also have friends who have worked with him, and they are of that mind as well. This guy, held up as one of the greatest, if not THE greatest, playwright of his generation, was and is a gigantic di@#head.

In a New York Times interview, he was asked if he still stands by his earlier work and writings, in which he claims capitalism is the root of all evil (seriously, does this guy go to extremes or what?) and he replied that yes, he stands by them. It was what worked for him at the time.
And THAT, I think, is David Mamet in a nutshell. Whatever works for him is what should work for everyone. I don't believe he is or ever was truly either a democrat OR a republican. He's just a selfish jerk. When he was struggling, he was more than happy to accept grant money (and I don't see him refusing or giving back the money the NEA gave his company last year). And truthfully, I kinda feel sorry for the republicans, because now they apparently have to claim him as one of theirs.
Good luck with that.
They are going to need it.

OK, rant over. Feel free to disagree with me.

Oh, and may I add that I have since tried the hazelnut Godiva ice cream-inspired chocolate, and it, too, is delish.

All right.
All that ranting has made me tired.
I'm gonna go chill.

Take care!

Click

2011-06-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I got another IE type book last week, which also has an online course you can follow. It's called "Skinny Thinking." I just got it on my Kindle a few days ago, and am also using the online course. I just finished chapter 1 last night.
But I noticed something interesting: it seems to have started working right away! I'm not sure why, but of all the IE-type books I've read, this one is the one that clicks. At least, so far. I notice that I have MUCH less anxiety around food, even "trigger" foods like pizza. We took the kids for ice cream the other day, and I was able to eat a little bit, enjoy it, and stop when I'd had enough, without gorging myself. Same thing happened at the family BBQ yesterday, and again all day today. There are still moments when I have a bit too much, but it's not nearly the same as it was just a week or so ago. And I'm kind of amazed at how relaxed I feel at mealtimes. It's what I've been dreaming of for years, and it seems to finally be happening.

I'm also realizing that I'm just not the type o' gal who loves to kill myself during workouts. Challenge, yes, but push myself to the point where I'm gasping, breathless, and can barely continue? Nope. I know some people really thrive on that, and more power to'em! But that's just not me. I guess that's why I'm drawn toward things like Pilates, yoga, and walking and cycling. They let me focus and think, and I ALWAYS feel better mentally after I do them. In fact, I'm heading out for a walk soon (before the hail storms start. Ah yes, June in San Francisco, lol!)

I also took a walk last night, after doing my new new YogaFit workout (YogaLean). I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the walk helped a lot. It helped me come to terms with leaving our house. Hubby and I are really feeling now that the move is a good thing. If only we knew where we stood in terms of the kids' schools and HIS JOB! There's a big question as to whether they are actually going to make him permanent, like they said they would when they hired him. It was supposed to happen after a year, and now that it's been nearly a year, it may not happen.
BUT...
My brother, also a federal employee, told us there are many jobs available in intelligence, which pays better and would be more fun. So we'll see.
I'ts just the transition/up in the air place that we're in now that's so frustrating.
But this too shall pass.

All will be well.

Alright. Gonna go walk.

P.S. It's now nearly 4: 00. As soon as I got ready for my walk, the rain started. No hail, luckily, but buckets of rain and gusts of wind. So I figured I'd wait it out, settle in with my Kindle, and read for a bit.
And promptly fell asleep.
For an hour and a half.
When I woke up it was time to pick LG up from school (abbreviated day today), so couldn't take my walk. I DID, however, just finish a nice cardio workout using On Demand. And I'm teaching Pilates tonight, so it's a good combo. As soon as WG wakes up from her nap (what is it with the napping today, lol!), she'll get a bath & I can shower.

And, of course, NOW the sun is out, the wind is gone, and it's quite warm out!

Thank You!!!!!

2011-05-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

To all our servicemen and women. To all the vets. To those who gave their lives. To all the families, who sacrifice so much. We can never thank you enough.

My grandfather served on the S.S. Lake Champlain in the Pacific theater during WWII. My dad volunteered in the army for 6 months. And, well, was politely asked NOT to re-enlist. Something about misplacing a tank with two other soldiers in it near Fort Knox...
(They were found. Eventually. Safe and sound.)

2 days a year to recognize you all isn't nearly enough. Words aren't enough.

But I'll say them again, anyway.

Thank you!

I Didn't Really Think I'd Be Saying This, But...

2011-05-28T17:30:00.001-07:00

I miss performing.
There.
I've said it.

More specifically, I miss being onstage, preferable in a Shakespeare play, with a group of terrific, experienced actors, all of us (including the audience) having a grand old time.
In other words, the polar opposite of many of my acting experiences in L.A., unfortunately.

But I've been thinking a lot lately about creativity, and what it means to me. I'm not a good visual artist (stick figures are about all I can manage on a good day), I don't knit or crochet, and I believe I've mentioned my utter lack of sewing skills (*cough* sewing the sleeve of a shirt to ITSELF when I tried to sew a patch on*cough*). I'm an OK singer, but I get ridiculously nervous when I have to sing in front of others (unless I'm singing in a show). Dancing? Fuhgeddaboutit! I've mentioned the electrocuted-giraffe-like flailing, right?
I can take a decent, basic picture. I can't design anything; heck, I can barely manage to put together a decent outfit.
But acting? THAT I can do. Or could. I'm sure if I tried it now I'd be very rusty. And improvisation. I'm quite good at that, as well.
I've been wondering if maybe I should try sticking a toe back in that particular swimming hole. Not professionally; I'm not sure I could do that again, just maybe doing some readings or going to some casual improv workout groups.
Because I've been feeling a little, well, stifled, creatively. I enjoy teaching Pilates, but it's not quite the same. I enjoyed teaching the drama class (except when I didn't enjoy it, lol!), but it wasn't really MY class. I had very little to do with the curriculum, the show as it was written, or even the class structure. Which was fine, as it was my first year teaching there and my first time teaching after nearly 7 years. And I'm still planning on taking that psych class in the fall, to see if drama therapy might be my thing.
But there's that small, niggling feeling, growing a bit bigger as time goes on. A voice in the back of my mind that won't be ignored anymore, telling me to go out and do something fun. Something I enjoyed SO MUCH for such a long time, until the Biz sucked all the enjoyment out of me.
I guess I'm feeling a bit resentful, as well: I resent the fact that I was prevented fro doing something I loved so much, something I trained for, sometimes literally bled for (darn those wooden set pieces!), because of the way I look. Because I wasn't ultra-skinny and 22 when I lived in L.A., I was denied the thing I most wanted to do. If it were (almost) any other business, I could have sued. But because of the nature of it, and because of the product being put out (good looks, little substance, for the most part), I was barred.
And I let myself get sucked into that mentality. Let myself believe I DIDN'T DESERVE to work because I was too fat (which I wasn't, really), not pretty enough (puh-LEASE! I was gorgeous back then!), didn't have the discipline to lose weight (snort! I'd just gotten my Master's degree!!!! I knew from discipline!), and on and on and on.
If I'd been stronger, maybe I could have given a giant middle finger to all the people who said I wasn't good enough, and created my own niche. But I wasn't. That's not a criticism, it's just the way I was back then. And I DO believe I made the right decision to get out and focus on my kids. After all, acting takes a LOT of work, focus, and energy, and I put all that into them. And I am damn proud of that fact!

But there are ways to be creative without being a professional, and ways to do it so that it doesn't take away from the kids. I just need to figure out what works best for me and mine.

OK, can I rant for a moment?
I made the mistake last night of watching about 3 minutes of "Fashion Police" on "E!" last night.
BIG mistake!
I know it's supposed to be good, snarky fun, but I just...is this REALLY what we've come to? Criticizing Uma Thurman's ELBOWS?!?!?!?!?! It's not enough that she's 40 (or thereabout), has kids, and still manages to be so exquisitely, ridiculously beautiful, but they have to poke fun at the fact that her ELBOWS are slightly crinkly?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?! What's next? Miley's earlobes are too small?
Every time I think it might just possibly be getting better for women (I actually saw a non-anorexic woman in a commercial), something like this happens to make me despair all over again.

Le sigh.

Why Do I Do It?

2011-05-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

Watch the occasional soap opera episode, I mean? I've blogged about soaps before, but having had some time off the past week I've been tuning in now and again. And they, curse them, drag me in!
But I have to say that it DOES get annoying. I know they need to keep the plots going, but the way these characters behave! It's like watching...reality TV!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has, however, got me thinking (Uh oh!): with our obsession with youth culture, are we stunting our growth as a society? One of the finalists on "American Idol" is apparently 17 years old (I don't watch). But I'm hoping he DOESN'T win, just so he has a chance at a semi-normal life. If you're a parent looking at the Lindseys and Britneys and Christinas, do you REALLY want that for your kid?
Let me give my theory on Christina Aguillera as an example of what is so wrong with teenage celebrity. She's talented, no doubt. She has a natural gift that has been apparent from the time she was a young child. And her singing style is EXACTLY the same now, as she nears 30, as it was when she was 15. No maturation, no added training, no new nuance. Add to the fact that, at the ripe old age of nearly 30, she is an apparent alcoholic, divorced, and was recently arrested for public intoxication while out on the town while her son was at home with the nanny or a sitter.
Don't get me wrong; if a mom wants to have a night out she is certainly entitled, and sometimes divorce is the best option for everyone involved. But getting sloshed, trying to drive, and getting arrested is maybe a sign that things are getting out of control.
We're obsessed with achieving "success" as soon as possible. Forget about training, education, learning from those who have more experience than we do. We want what we want when we want it and we think we deserve it. Then we blame everything and everyone else when we fail spectacularly because we're not mature enough to handle it.
And then there are the reality shows. Many of which feature people well out of their 20's and even their 30's who behave like spoiled children. And are rewarded heavily for it. Interviews, magazine covers, and loads of cash.
So instead of being sued for damages after, say, knocking a table over in a restaurant or getting into a fistfight AT A CHRISTENING, they are lauded for it.
So then the pundits follow suit, followed by the politicians. The next thing you know, we're all acting like a**holes. We're all turning into spoiled, entitled BRATS. And if we're not careful, it will be our downfall.

So, THAT'S what I get from watching soaps, lol!

Still Here?

2011-05-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

OK, yes, it's easy to make fun of the Rapture true believers, but it's actually pretty worrying to think about the ones who quit their jobs, left their families, and gave away all their money in anticipation of it. It's also hard to know whether this Camping guy is a scam artist or just off his rocker.

(I do have to say that the line I enjoyed best about all this is "The Rapture has been delayed more times than the opening of the "Spiderman" musical.)

Aside from the Armageddon that wasn't, we also just had the (seemingly endless) farewell of Mary Hart, entertainment correspondent extraordinaire. Yes, she's retiring after 29 years on the same show, but they're kinda acting like she's dying! It's just creepy!
We're also in the midst of the "Oprah" farewell. Also endless.
I've been doing my best to ignore it all. but it's not easy. They keep talking about it on the radio, fer cryin' out loud! Thank goodness for my Kindle: I can just read and ignore all the other crap.

Alright, enough of that. I know what you want to read about; our epic night at the Theatre!!!!! Well, it was DEFINITELY epic. We dropped WG off, at which time LG started to cry and asking to go home. SO we headed out to the freeway.
I don't know if I've mentioned this, but in the car we have a GPS system with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Granted, the car IS 10 years old, and we haven't been able to replace the original CD-Rom, so many times it doesn't recognize the addresses we put in. But even when it DOES, it's just...weird. Not all the time. Often it's straightforward and fine. But other times, like on Friday, it will insist I take a certain route even when I know a different route makes more sense. Then, if I follow its route, it recalcuates every time I do EXACTLY WHAT IT TELLS ME TO DO. It will often, quite literally, send me around in circles. And because I don't really know my way around the city, I had no choice but to follow its directions.
Seriously, it was like being guided by HAL, the computer from "2001!" (Or the ATMOS.) I'm just lucky it didn't eject me from the minivan, lol!
We finally arrived at Golden Gate Park (after 90 minutes!), and I found a parking space. LG asked for "Aquarium" and "Sky movie," which is what he calls the planetarium show at the Academy of Sciences. it's pretty amazing, since we haven't been there in a year and a half.
So we got out and started walking. After about 10 minutes, I gave up and brought us both back to the car, needing desperately to find a space closer to the museum, as we'd be walking back after dark. We finally found one that was closer (though not much, lol) and went in to the DeYoung.
Where there were hundreds of people, as it was it's annual "Young at Art" festival, in which students from schools all over the city perform and show off art projects. Hubby's show was part of this: in fact, it's gotten so popular that the museum has audience members come in through a different entrance, because in past years people would decide at the last minute to go see the play rather than listen to the keynote speakers at the festival. (Not that I blame them!) (I also found out that, that same night, Davies Symphony Hall was hosting the semi-finals of the national students' poetry jam. It was a great night for students in the arts in the city!)
So where was I? Ah yes, the throngs of people who showed up for the festival. It was great to see, and very exciting, but was is it about people in crowds who stop the chat in the ONLY CLEAR SPOTS IN THE ROOM, EFFECTIVELY BLOCKING EVERYONE FROM BEING ABLE TO MOVE?!?!?!?! Normally it's not all THAT big a deal, but after the drive and parking and the headaches, I was a bit peeved.

Anyway, after a snack, we made our way to the theater and stood in line to retrieve out tickets, where we ran into some friends (very nice surprise!).
When we went in, LG spotted the drums (there was a live band for the music) and immediately made a beeline for them, which, luckily, I was able to head off at the pass.
Finally the show started. LG was not into it at first (and was pretty tired), and said "time to go home." But as soon as his dad appeared on stage, he perked right up. He kept looking at me, pointing to the stage and saying "Look, there's Daddy!" He clapped when everyone else clapped, and joined the standing ovation at the end. He was SO GOOD!!!!! And it was a 90-minute show!

Meanwhile, Her Majesty WG was ruling the roost at the in-laws' place. She was sound asleep when we got there, but woke up easily when it was time to go home. All in all, it was a highly successful outing, and I'm a very proud Mama!!!!!!

And now, I need a nap.

Best Workout, Ever!!!!!

2011-05-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I went for a walk/play with the Hubby and kiddos. We walked to the playground, then ran, climbed, rode scooters, played chase, shot some hoops, and a whole bunch of other fun stuff for about an hour, then walked back home. It was SOOOOOO FUN, and a great workout, to boot.
The kids are amazing: I keep thinking back to 5 years ago, when WG was 2 1/2 and still not walking very well. Now she climbs to the top of the play structure and flings herself over to the opposite side. And LG still has as much energy as ever, even when it's more focused (and it usually is, thank goodness, lol!)
This morning I'm actually quite sore! I'm also thinking we need to do that more often. It's so easy to fall into the routine of dinner, baths, TV/reading, then bed. Now that the days are longer, we gotta get more playtime in! It also means more family time, which is always good.

My in'laws live right next door to an elementary school. So when we move, we'll have a big ol' playground to take them too. There are also fields and empty play spaces, so maybe LG can learn to ride his bike. I'm guessing that the 3 1/2 weeks of summer vacation will be filled with trips to the playground and (hopefully) lots of swimming. They'll be tuckered out!
And so will Mommy.
'Cause one of the things about tiring out the kids; you tire yourself out, too. But it's a GOOD tired. We came home last night and everyone bathed/showered, and fell into bed happy and exhausted.
And we all slept like rocks!
I think I'm still on a high from it all. Plus, I'm taking LG to see Hubby's show tonight: it's a series of "Short plays written by short people," as it says on the flyer. The plays are all written by elementary school students. It's being performed at the DeYoung Museum in Golden Gate Park. I'll drop WG off with the grandparents, then LG and I will drive into the city, grab some grub, and see the show.
Um, that is, if Hubby can get us tickets. Just found out that the show is sold out. Which is pretty cool, except for the fact that we don't have tickets yet. Maybe they can sneak us in. We'll see.

Finally, I have been taking it pretty easy this week. Except for Wednesday night and tomorrow morning, I haven't been working. I've been sitting in bed with my Kindle, or taking the dog for walks, or going out for coffee, or watching "Doctor Who" reruns. I've even snuck in a couple of naps! 'Cause after 6 weeks without a day off , all that drama the past couple of weeks, and the show last weekend, I think I've earned it, lol!

OK, I'm off. I'll let you know how our night at the theahtuh goes! (Assuming the world doesn't end before I can post.)

Whew!

2011-05-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

It is DONE!!!!!!
Yesterday I taught my Pilates class, went home to chill for a couple of hours, then headed to the synagogue, where some last-minute touches needed to be put on some of the set pieces. Then the kids arrived, we got them ready, and before we knew it it was Go Time. They did a GREAT job, and we packed everything up for the next one.
Which was this morning. We all arrived at 9, which is when I learned about the awards ceremony to be held at the cast party. Each child was to receive a water bottle in honor of their award, which we made up this morning. (Things like "funkiest," "most suspicious," etc., mainly having to do with the plot and characters.) I was then asked to write a poem, so I whipped up a quick limerick. It was appreciated, but also explained to me that what was needed/desired was a poem for EACH CHILD.
All 20 of them.
So, 45 minutes before the show, I wrote 20 short limericks.
Luckily I have a knack for limericks. Unluckily, I had to keep them squeaky-clean, which made it a bit more difficult, lol!
But it was done, the show was performed, and, again, the kids were terrific. The awards were handed out, and we all went home.
Where I promptly crashed.

Tomorrow I'm going to check out a yoga studio in Palo Alto, one I've never been to before. It'll be nice to drive somewhere other than the school, the grocery store, or work. (If I don't pay attention, I'm sure my brain will go into automatic and bypass the freeway exit entirely and take me back to the synagogue. So I've got to keep my wits about me.) Plus, it'll be nice to be in a calm, relaxing environment with other grown-ups for a while, lol!

On an entirely different subject, for my fellow Whovians ("Doctor Who" fans): One of the best lines EVER was spoken in last night's episode; "Did you wish REALLY hard?" Laughed so hard I almost cried.
Then DID start to cry when the Doctor said "I don't want you to!"
Neil Gaiman, who wrote that episode, is a freakin' GENIUS!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. That's all the news for now. Have a good night!

The Proverbial Weight...

2011-05-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

Has been lifted from my shoulders. Former Client was issued a refund yesterday. It's over. And I truly feel lighter! I didn't realize until last night how much I'd been dreading Friday mornings. Even though there wasn't any outright hostility until last week, there were obviously some undercurrents that I had been pushing aside.
You know the whole Law of Attraction thing? I think there's a bit of merit to it. To a point. I don't believe that the entire population of Japan attracted an earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear meltdown, for example. But I do believe that I have attracted high-maintenance people for many years, because there was a big lesson I needed to learn (see last post).

So. Big sigh of relief!

In other news, we have our last rehearsal today before the big show this weekend. I think it's going to be fun. The kids are so freakin' adorable, how could their parents, teachers and friends not love it? It almost makes me wish I could come back in September. But I just don't think it's going to be possible. It wouldn't be fair to my kids, the kids in the program, or to me. This past year I bit off WAY more than I could chew, and I don't want to do that again. Especially if I'm going back to school.

In happier news, my Kindle arrived on Tuesday. Hubby had LG give me the package and say "Happy Mother's Day!" He's so stinkin' cute! Just like his sister!
And I LOVE my Kindle!!!! I have to be a bit careful, 'cause it's so easy to buy and download books. I could get into serious trouble, lol!
The next step is to buy a protective cover so I can bring it with me and not worry too much about it getting damaged. I might do that today. WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

On ANOTHER unrelated topic, I've recently been adding some more raw foods into my menu. There are a number of raw cafes nearby, and since the weather has been so nice I find myself craving more raw stuff. Plus, it's YUMMY!!!! And I feel good after I eat it. More energetic, less brain foggy. It doesn't mean I'm gonna go all 100% raw-foodist on you or anything, I just like it.

Anyway. I guess this post was kind of a brain-vomit: y'know, where you just write about whatever pops into your mind. I'm just SO RELIEVED!!!!!!! My schedule clears up in 4 days!!!!!

At which time I will either be much more alert and cognizant than I am right now, or everything will fall completely apart and I will sit in a corner, drooling.
Either way works for me!

The Good, the Bad, and the Crazy

2011-05-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

First off, a belated happy Mother's Day to all you moms!
We had a good day here. Hubby bought me a Kindle!!!!!! It should arrive on Wednesday, and I am soooooo excited!!!!!!
I think part of it is self-preservation; he's in danger of being buried under the pile of books in our bedroom should we have a strong enough earthquake to send them pitching down from the precarious pile they're currently stacked in. But I've been wanting a Kindle since they came out: at the time I figured I should wait a couple of years, until the bugs were worked out and it was less expensive. And, voila!!!!!
At the same time he was ordering, the Dallas mavericks beat the L.A. Lakers, booting them out of the NBA championships! WOO-HOO!!!!!!
(Remember, I grew up in Boston. In the 80's. During the heyday of the Celtics/Lakers rivalry. Hatred of the Lakers is deeply ingrained; not even 9 years living in L.A could erase it. In fact, it may have only deepened it.)
I then went to Barnes & Noble to look at all the new books I'm gonna download on my new Kindle!!!!!

Is that too materialistic of me? Who cares? Hahahahahaha!!!!!!

Besides, after the weekend I had (and the week coming up), I needed a bit of fun. And the nicest part was when I thanked Hubby and he said "Of course! You deserve it!"
That was awfully nice to hear.
That's the good.

On Friday there was an incident at work with one of my clients, and now there's all this drama going on. Incident reports are being filed, emails detailing the incident are being sent, and all of it is completely unnecessary and ridiculous, and it is all the fault of one person. Who is a client. Or, maybe, WAS a client.
No one was hurt, but mild threats were made, emotions got out of hand, and now the executive director is involved. I have no idea what's going to happen: all I know is that I would strongly prefer to NOT be a part of it anymore.
That's the bad AND the crazy.

Except for my boss: she ROCKS!!!!!

In other news, this is tech week for the show at the synagogue. We have 3 rehearsals with the kids, figuring out the light and sound cues, the curtain opening and closing, costume changes, etc. The show is this coming weekend, I have classes all week, took the kids to the doctor this morning, and am trying to figure out what the heck to do about The Incident. As of next week, for the foreseeable future (or at least the summer), I'll only be working 3 days a week and things will calm down quite a bit. I'll be able to focus on packing, getting rid of a lot of our stuff, and getting ready to move.
I'm also going to focus on more strength training. 'Cause I'm missing my heavier weights.

Also focusing more on the fact that my body is NOT a dumping ground, either for food or emotions. And that it is time to take a stand. I will no longer work with this client, if I have ANY say whatsoever.

I'll let you know what happens!

Update: As of this afternoon, I am no longer working with her. I got an email from her asking me if I'm available to teach her at another time.

No. No I am not.

I was also given a guilt trip this afternoon by ANOTHER member, one whom I'd just met. Today was the last session of my Monday afternoon class, and this person was the only one to show up. She just joined, and saw the class on the schedule. I apologized and explained that I am not supposed to teach a class with only one participant, and gave her some options for other classes. She then harangued me about the fact that she has two young kids (join the club) and had rescheduled her ENTIRE day in order to be able to come to the class. Yes, a part of e felt guilty for not holding the class. A teeny, tiny, microscopic part of me. Most of me was just pissed. Especially when she gave a world-weary sigh and said "Fine, I'll just go ride the bike or something." Sorry, but it was 1:30 in the afternoon, and she had two floors of a nearly-empty gym almost all to herself. My heart didn't bleed. Especially today.
It may sound harsh. Maybe it IS harsh. But I'm done feeling badly for people who go out of their way to try and MAKE me feel badly! Yes, you pay a membership fee. Yes, I am an employee. I am not your servant. And the fact is, I didn't make the rules. And, please, DO NOT talk to me about having to schedule around 2 young kids! You do NOT want to get into a pi**ing contest with me about THAT.
Because I will win, hands down!

The fact is, for the 3 years that I have been teaching Pilates, I have gone above and beyond to satisfy my clients. I, and others, have twisted ourselves into pretzels with some of them, but there is NO pleasing them. Most of the clients are WONDERFUL, but there are a few... My boss even told me today that I am the most patient member of the staff.
That was a bit of a surprise.
But then again, I have had some HIGH-MAINTENANCE clients, and they're all still alive, lol!

On the radio today, I heard Aretha singing "Respect" TWICE.
I'm taking it as a sign.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.

Mama Wants!!!!!!!

2011-05-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, Spring! When a young(ish) woman's fancy turns to...
STUFF!!!!!!
Yes, I have a materialistic side. Yes, I have seen a few things over the past few days that I want. And yes, I'm thinking that once we move and can actually save a little money, I'm going to get some of them!
The first, and most important thing, is the inflatable 15x30 ft. (and 4 ft-deep) pool for the kids. We NEED it for August, when the weather's hot, the kids are on vacation, and we no longer have access to the pool here. I can't handle both kids at once at a crowded public pool, and I think WG would be too overwhelmed.

Second, an indoor swing. It attaches to a door frame, doesn't cost much, and has 3 different swing attachments. The kids' occupational therapist has one, and they both LOVE it! It helps them to self-regulate, and it is awesome.

Finally, I have found the Holy Grail for Pilates: a home reformer that is compact, inexpensive, and not flimsy!!!!! I first read about it in a review in a Pilates magazine (yes, they do exist, lol!) and they gave it a great review. For a long time I have been thinking about someday owning a reformer and maybe even doing private trainings at home. And maybe, just maybe, it will soon be time to do just that.

Other than that, our money will go toward rent, the kids' futures, and the occasional dinner out for Hubby and me. Oh, and my classes, should I decide to continue after this Fall.
But it'll be SO NICE to NOT have to pour everything we make right back into the house. To not live month-to-month. To be able to have a savings account with actual savings in it, and the peace of mind that comes with all of it.

Anyway, that's it. Now I can go back to my yoga, meditation, and veggie burger. 'Night!

What A Weekend!!!!!!

2011-05-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

We started it with a royal wedding, and ended with the assassination of one of the most evil people in recent history.
Today seems downright dull, by comparison!

I did see a little bit of the wedding as it happened. I'd woken up at 3:20 (insomnia strikes again) and figured I may as well watch. They were already wed at that point, and singing some hymns. After about 20 minutes I decided to try and go back to sleep, as I had to teach 2 hours of Pilates in the morning and wanted to be, y'know, conscious for it.
So I turned on BBC America when I got home, before I had to pick up the kids, and watched the replay.

And cried through the whole darn thing!

Honestly, I REALLY don't know why. It's not as if I know them, or have even met them. Sure, my friend Maria dragged me into Boston with her one day in the 80's, all gussied up, because Prince Charles was paying a visit to the Burberry store on Newbury St. and she wanted to catch a glimpse but didn't want to go alone. Since she was my partner in "Doctor Who" geekdom, I went along. Yes, I was her enabler in her fascination with all things Windsor.
We did catch that glimpse, though. She was holding an enormous bouquet of flowers that security wouldn't allow her to give him. I think he stepped out of the limo and saw this poor 15 year-old holding flowers, looking slightly dejected, and took some pity on her, giving her a look right in the eyes & letting her snap a photo before being hustled into the store.
But that, and nearly getting trampled by the Queen's guard in Hyde Park at the age of 10, having just watched the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace and walking along not paying ANY attention to what was in front of me, is as close to the royal family as I've ever gotten.

So WHY the tears?

I guess I'm just getting soft.

And I got TOTALLY sucked in to the whole thing: from the dress to the cute bridesmaids/dudes, to Harry sneaking a peek as she walked the aisle, to the cheer that went up after the Archbishop announced they were married, to the kisses on the balcony (and the little girl covering her ears and scowling during the flyover), and especially the two of them driving in Charles' Aston Martin convertible. I cried from the moment she walked down the aisle with a death grip on her dad's hand 'til the moment they left for the reception. Luckily that left me 45 minutes to get a hold of myself before I had to drive to the school.

But I think I also cried a bit for Diana. She was, what, 36 when she died? Leaving her beloved boys behind. I, like pretty much everyone else, would like to think she had a front-row seat to the wedding. But, as a mom, I kept thinking about her not being there to watch her sons become the men they are now. I imagine she would, and does, take great pride in them, and would heartily approve of Kate and also of the time she and William have spent getting to know each other. But one of my greatest fears, and that of any parent, is dying before my kids are adults.

I actually had a dream about it last night, in which I discovered that I am actually an android. That the real Alyssa had died from cancer, but before doing so, had built and programmed an android to have all of her memories and feelings. To the point that I, as the android, believed I WAS her.
And I was happy, because it meant that I wouldn't die. Not this version of me, anyway. I would stay alive for as long as my kids were alive, and then I'd be de-programmed when I was no longer needed. And I was so relieved!!!!!!
(I also thought, upon awakening, that this would make a pretty cool science fiction short story! So if you're reading this, DON'T STEAL MY IDEA, lol!!!!!!!!!!!!)

But back to the wedding for a sec: there was one teeny-tiny moment, as I listened to the Archbishop of Canterbury, that I half expected him to break out with "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. A Cewebwation of twue wove. So tweasuwe youw wove!"
Because "The Princess Bride" has just RUINED it for me, lol!

Anyway. I'm not going to get into the OTHER Big Event, because it's just too much, and I'm kinda tired. So I will leave you to think of your favorite lines from "The Princess Bride" (mine are too many to count) as I start dinner for the urchins.

Have fun storming the castle!

Pissed!

2011-04-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

OK, I know I've said this before, but I REALLY need to stay out of political discussions on Facebook! Someone who doesn't know me at all just called me a name because she misinterpreted something I wrote. But what really ticks me off is that one of my so-called friends, someone who DOES know me and has known me since we were in kindergarten, "liked" her comment.
I am sick of being bullied. I often use humor to try and defuse a situation. Well, I'm done. I am sick TO DEATH of being disrespected, dismissed, and called names! I treat people with respect, and would appreciate the same. You can disagree with me without calling me names or being rude. If you don't want to hear a different POV, then stay out of the discussion.

OK, quick update: I just got a message from my friend who started the discussion (who stood up for me, which I SO appreciate!), that the woman who called me out is her cousin and not very nice. And another guy who was giving me crap actually spews a lot of it himself.
So I feel better. But I think I need to let go of the idea that the majority of people I interact with on Facebook are reasonable people. And one cannot reason with the unreasonable.

Whew. Deep breath.
All done.

How Can I Think With This Fog Permeating My Brain?!?!?!?!

2011-04-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

I seem to get my Bad Cold this time of year.
And then conveniently forget, so by the time mid-April rolls around the following year, I'm surprised when I get sick.
I'm like that character Tom from "50 First Dates," who introduces himself to a group of people, only to forget and do it all over again.

Anyway, I have The Cold, and it stinks!!!! I'm doping up on cold medicine and continuing to work and take care of the kids, and since I can't take time off, I'm gonna whine:

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tiredmybodyhurtsmyheadhurtsIkeepcoughingandsneezingIwantmymommyIwannagohooooooome!!!!!!!!

Oh. Wait. I am home.

But I have to teach tomorrow: the young 'uns and the not-quite-as young 'uns. And I don't wanna!!!!!!!

OK. Whining over.

I have to confess right now that I'm watching E! News coverage of the royal wedding.. In typical over-the-top, 21st-century fashion, they open the show with "SECURITY SCANDAL! WILL KATE HAVE TO GUARD HERSELF ON HER WEDDING DAY?!?!?!?!"
Um...noooo...
One 18 year-old security guard has been fired because he called Kate a "posh b*tch" in a tweet. Apparently he stood outside as Wills and Kate rode by and she didn't give him enough of a wave.
Uh-huh.
Boy, what a byotch! (Eye roll)
So, yeah, that kid's out of a job, and rightly so, IMHO.
Get over yourself, dude!!!!!!!

OK, enough royal stuff for one post.
And, no, I'm not going to watch it live, as it's on at 3 AM here. I'm pretty sure it'll be repeated a few (thousand) times, so I'll get to see it. I need all the sleep I can get.
I'm sure Kate and Wills will find a way to go on without me.

In other news, since I still can't seem to post links on this blog, I am going to direct you to my new set of FAVORITE videos on YouTube. Find time to head on over there and type in "Jersey Shore Gone Wilde." Two actors from the Broadway production of "The Importance of Being Earnest" act out transcripts from Jersey Shore in the style of Oscar Wilde. There are 5 videos, and they are AWESOME!!!!!!! Check it out, I promise you won't regret it.

OK. Gonna go lie down and watch more mindless drivel. There's a "Mob Wives" makeover coming up!!!!!

Oh, So THAT'S What's Going On!

2011-04-22T04:44:00.000-07:00

Yup, posting again, mere hours after the last post. Because last night, with one little text, things went a little crazy and then great clarity was had.
I was supposed to have the day off due to my childcare situation. then last hight at 9 PM I received a text from work informing me that I had 3 clients and a demo class at 10:15 this morning (Friday). First I texted my M-I-L (I LOVE that she texts!) to see of she was available to watch LG, but she isn't. My F-I-L has a doctor's appt. this morning, and he's still not allowed to drive. So I called my supervisor who had, alas, already left. Then I called the front desk and explained the situation, and my heroine there offered to call the (already down to 2) clients and let them know we had to reschedule. I apologized, and she said "No big deal. These things happen."
And she's right; these things DO happen, and they're NOT a big deal. But I make them into Big Deals. And things like this have been happening quite a bit over the past few months. Which lead me and my brain into Worst Case Scenario Land (I'm gonna get fired! Who's going to take care of my private client? Will she like them better than me? What will I do with my life? and on and on.)
And it finally occurred to me, at 3:30 this morning, that I am quite simply overwhelmed. Stretched too thin. Overextended. I NEVER have fewer than a dozen thoughts racing through my brain at any given moment. I'm never able to sit still. There are ALWAYS a ton of things that have to be done RIGHT NOW, and to top it all off, I've been summoned for jury duty, AGAIN!!!!!! Honestly, this is, like, the 5th time in 3 years! I ALWAYS send them a doctor's note informing them that I am the mother/primary caregiver of 2 young kids with Autism, and cannot serve at this time. I don't know WHY they keep summoning me! It's not like my kids aren't still Autistic, People!
Anyway, between Pilates and the drama classes, it's become too much. I may have mentioned before that I'm burning out. Add to that the fact that the kids have been on vacation for two weeks and Hubby has only been home long enough to sleep, and I feel like I'm drowning. I am only one person, and there are only so many hours in a day. Sure, it would be GREAT if I could find a part-time job that lets me work only the hours my kids are in school (and pays well and is personally fulfilling. Hey, I don't ask much!), but those are hard to come by these days. I was also planning on taking that Intro to Psychology class this summer, but between the move, the summer break, and helping the kids get adjusted, I just don't think it's feasible.
So, I'm now planning on taking the class in the Fall, when the kids are in school.

But there are deeper issues at work here. The 3 books I'm reading are helping me to take a good look at myself. (The 3rd one, BTW, is a novel called "G-d On A Harley." I bought it about 3 1/2 years ago but never read it. I'm ready for it now.) There's a moment in "GOAH" in which Joe (the name He uses when he appears in human form to our heroine) asks the main character why she feels people are always rejecting her. Why is it always about HER and not the other person? And BOY HOWDY did that hit home! Why do I feel I'm being constantly and negatively judged by everyone? From friends and family to complete strangers? Why do I have Worst Case Scenario Brain And how do I get over it, already?!?!?!
Why do I feel responsible for everyone and everything, all the time? Why do I let others get away with slacking and being selfish, but not myself? Why do I feel like I have to pick up THEIR slack? When someone else says "I don't feel like doing (fill in the blank)", why do I just accept it? Why don't I say "Well, what about what the REST of us want?"

Or even, "What about what I want?!?!?!"

What ABOUT what I want?
What DO I want?

To be continued...

Dear Khloe Kardashian: You Are NOT Fat!

2011-04-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

I rarely have much empathy for anyone with the last name of Kardashian. Yes, I'm sorry that Robert passed away, but beyond that, I generally try to ignore them.
I DO, however, listen to the radio and watch TV, and it's hard to get away from them. I recently heard 2 older male deejays refer to Khloe as the fat one, and I saw a preview for the new Kardashian show (lord help us, another one!) in which Khloe breaks down in tears and says "I'm so fat!" Apparently the tabloids have been going after her.
So I guess Kim is the "hot" one, Kourtney is the one stuck with Psycho Scott, and the others are...underage.
But if Khloe is fat, well then, I want to be fat like her!
She's tall. She has a larger frame than we're used to seeing on TV. But fat?!?!?!?! WTH?!?!?! What year is this, 1998? Is "Allie McBeal" the number-one TV show? Are we still considering lollipop heads the ultimate in beauty? Did the last decade never happen?!?!?!

Just had to get that off my chest.

In better news, LG and I have been having a FUN spring break! Today I took him to the pool at the gym, and he had such a good time! And the three of us have been taking walks and having dance parties when Hubby's not home. We'll try to do that more when he IS home, so he can join in the fun, lol!
I'm kinda sad that LG's break is over soon. If you'd have told me 4 years ago that he would be so easy and fun to take out and about, I'd have had you committed. It gives me a lot of hope that WG will be the same way in a couple of years. (Entertaining little tidbit: the other day I had to g to the police station to get a document signed, and took LG with me. In the middle of the station, well, I guess he decided he just couldn't hold it in anymore: he yelled out "Dance!" and started tap dancing away. Hey, when dance fever hits, it hits! I'd like to think he brought a bit of brightness to everyone's day.)

And I just have to say, on another topic entirely, I just saw a preview for "Doctor Who" on Nickelodeon. First time EVER! And it makes me think that all my years of geekdom, all the crap my friend Maria and I took when we were in school because of our love for the show, all the teasing we dealt with for YEARS, has all been vindicated.

Revenge of the Nerds, indeed!

Hate.

2011-04-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I am a Huge "Doctor Who" fan, and have been since I was a kid. Today there has been some very sad news: Elisabeth Sladen, who joined the show in the early 70's, has passed away from cancer at the age of 63. She played one of the most popular companions, Sarah Jane Smith. She made a number of guest appearances on the revamped version of the show, and then had her own spin-off, "The Sarah Jane Adventures," which was geared toward younger kids.

I was watching some clips from that show last week. I had no idea she was sick. I didn't know her personally, had never met her, but she was a big part of my childhood, in a way. She was also married with a daughter, and I can only imagine how much they are hurting.

A few years ago Ron Silver died from cancer. He was also in his mid-sixties, and another talented actor. And, of course, I think about my dad. I think about this horrible disease that takes so many people, way before their time, and robs families of loved ones. How unfair it is and, yes, I realize life is unfair, but cancer seems to be on a scale that is just so cosmically huge, and it's so prevalent, it sometimes seems like a modern plague.

And I hate it.

(Of course, I don't know anyone who LIKES cancer.)

So what is it? Lifestyle? The fact that we now live so much longer than we used to? The chemicals and pollutants we ingest all our lives? Stress? All of the above? NONE of the above?

I lost my maternal grandmother to cancer: she was tremendously stressed out about her son, my uncle, who was suffering from mental illness (and ended up committing suicide, but after she and my grandfather were gone). My dad was the kind of guy who worried about everyone and everything all the time. His folks both had heart disease, so he and his doctors were vigilant about heart health, but no one imagined he'd get Melanoma. My mom had a bout of breast cancer: luckily it was caught early and she's free and clear.
My B-I-L's dad died from cancer.
Our dog Tundra died from cancer. And now our dog Luna may have cancer in her bladder.

And it all makes me so completely pissed off!
Because even when people survive, there's always the chance it could come back. I know this should be telling me that life is precious, the unexpected happens, and we should all live each day to the fullest. And all of that is true. But when I hear about another person dying from cancer, or diagnosed with cancer, I just want to scream and throw things.

Two nights ago I dreamed about my dad. Last night I dreamed about my high school drama teacher, who also passed away a few years ago. I don't know what it means, but I hope that they're coming to me from a beautiful, peaceful place. I hope the message is that death is not to be feared. It doesn't mean it hurts any less to lose people, but maybe if they ARE in a wonderful place, it makes it better. Just a little bit.

At least, I hope so.

Epiphany!

2011-04-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm posting again this morning after posting last night. Because I had an epiphany this morning.
I'm reading a book called "Weight Release" by Freeman Michaels. (I'm still working my way through "A Course in Weight Loss." S-L-O-W-L-Y. Just finishing lesson 2. I don't want to go too quickly.) I'm just starting this book. As in, still reading the introduction. But something he wrote REALLY struck me, and I FINALLY get it!
For all my talk about not judging my life based on external factors, I am still doing exactly that. In every moment, in thousands of ways. I have lived my life listening to my inner Simon Cowell, and it hasn't served me. At all. I feel watched and judged to the point of paranoia, and I never, for a single second, have felt good enough.
Good enough for what, or whom, you may ask?
Well, that's just it: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Who is this large, shadowy presence looming over me, deeming me unworthy every second of every day of my life? Telling me there is still more to be done, even after I have given everything I have and am? Telling me it's not enough and never will be?
Well, that's the question. Today I begin digging for the answer.
Because 41 + years of feeling like a failure, even in the midst of what many would call success, is quite enough, thank you.

The other day Hubby was telling me that he's feeling burned out at work. He, like me, needs a vacation. My first instinct was to say to myself "OK, I have to hunker down and get a good, full-time, well-paying job, just in case Hubby gets total burnout and can't continue." Luckily for me, I soon realized what I was doing and put a stop to it.
Because I am not responsible for his feelings. And he doesn't expect me to be! I can and will help in any way possible, but he is not a child, and I need to stop treating him like one, even if it's only in my head that I do so. He is an adult, taking responsibility for his life and his family. As am I. And, quite frankly, I CANNOT take more on than I already have at the moment. Because working 3 part-time jobs, subbing, raising 2 kids with special needs and trying to provide 3 mostly-healthy meals (plus snacks) and keeping the house relatively clean is enough, without adding on guilt that I'm not making more money.

If some people where I work think I don't do enough, that is their problem, not mine. If they want to teach 12 classes a week, I say more power to 'em! But don't expect me to do the same, because I simply cannot.

And it really IS NOT about the weight! Or the food, or the numbers on the scale and/or pedometer. It's not even necessarily about eating matzoh next week, or feeling guilty of I don't. (That stuff is TRULY the bread of the afflicted, lol!) It's about finding out what goes on inside my head and my heart. About finding my true self, finding the wonder in this world that G-d has given us, and the joy that He wants for us all.

So that's my new goal.

The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be

2011-04-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

And by "The old gray mare" I mean, of course, me.
Just a measly 5 years ago I had all this energy! I would get LG off to preschool, get WG changed and fed, do a workout, take a shower, bundle WG into her car seat so I could get coffee and have my once-daily conversation with another grown-up (the barista), and the conversation would generally go as follows: B- "Good morning, what can I get for you?" Me- "Morning! Can I have a [insert coffee here]?" B- "Sure! How old is your daughter?" M- [insert age here.]" B- "OK, here ya go. Have a nice day!" M- "You too, thanks!" And...Scene.
Then we'd go home, get LG off the bus, have lunch, and watch "Sesame Street." Later, I'd put both kids in the car and we'd drive to either the mall (if it was raining), the public garden (on nice days) or, if I was still tired and desperate for caffeine, we'd go to the San Fernando Valley, to Aroma Cafe, where I'd put them in their double stroller and walk them around the neighborhood while I drank my second caffeine infusion of the day. After an hour or so we'd go home, I'd make dinner, give them their baths, and we'd all collapse into our various beds. I'd wake up a few times to feed WG, then we'd get up the next day and do it all over again.

So I had all these GREAT plans for WG's spring break. And on Monday it went as planned. Then yesterday, WG was a bit fussy and I was tired. We went for a drive, but when I took her out of the car to go for a walk (after getting myself more coffee), she didn't want to go. So we just went to pick up LG from school. Who, it turns out, was not doing his work or listening to his teachers as much as he usually does. Which meant he couldn't use the iPod, computer, or TV for the rest of the day. Which made him a bit calmer, so there ya go.
Today WG was cranky and Mommy was tired, so we mostly hung out at the house. I had to teach tonight, so I wanted to save a little energy.
Because I just can't do it anymore.
Granted, 5 years ago I was still in my 30's and not working outside the home. But I must say that there are a number of years, when the kids were younger, that are a blur. I remember day after day of pushing the kids in their double stroller and doing mountains of laundry, fueled by mochas and very little sleep.
But I made it through, even when Hubby was out of town on tour for months at a time.
I don't think I could do it these days though. I woke up Tuesday morning and was SO tired and sore! And I feel guilty because there are 2 official days left of her vacation, and LG's break starts next week, and I might not have the energy to get through it!

HEEEELP MEEEEEE!!!!!!!

One Day Down, 13 to Go

2011-04-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

WG is on her spring break. Next week is LG's spring break. Next week will be easier: LG has an easier time with transitions, and WG gets picked up and dropped off every day, so I won't have to pack both kids into the van to drop her off and get her like I have to do this week.
At first I was bummed when I found out they weren't off the same week, but then I thought back to their February break and how difficult it was, how guilty I felt because it was too hard to take them anywhere (especially when it started raining!).Plus, it gives me some one-on-one time with both of them, which is really rare.
This morning we dropped LG off and went grocery shopping. WG helped me push the cart and then grabbed a 4-pack of muffins, which she proceeded to devour. Partly. Leaving the remains (and crumbs) in her bed AND ours, to be discovered by me this evening. Kind of like an early Passover: we always lost track of the Afikomen and would end up sitting on it the next day, as it was inevitably hidden in the sofa cushions. You'd think we'd remember, seeing as it was ALWAYS in the same place...) Later, when I was working out, she helped me by sitting on my back as I did push-ups and on my stomach as I did my ab work. It's nice to have a live-in personal trainer! (My favorite part was when she sat with her little tushie right in my face.) Later we picked LG up from school and went for a walk at the mall.
Now I just have to figure out what to do tomorrow.
One day at a time.
(Oh, and I musn't forget the other 17 messes she's already made.
Oy.)

The good thing is that I'm not working outside the house much this week or next, so I don't have to worry about childcare. I'm actually only teaching 2 classes this week, which is kind of nice. It's also nice to just have some downtime. I'd forgotten what that was like, lol!

Hubby may even take a day off next week, something he hasn't done since he started his new job. He's had a pretty stressful time of it lately AND he's been sick on top of that, so he definitely needs a break. Maybe he can do some father/son stuff with LG, who had a GREAT time checking out the new toy store at the mall. He did it on his own, picking up things that interested him, playing, putting them back. Independently and all by himself! (Plus, he drew a self-portrait of himself in school today: wearing a t-shirt and underwear, his usual at-home outfit, and joined by Gary the snail from Spongebob.)

All-in-all, it was a great day! A little fussing when she was hungry (boy, can I relate!), but mostly happy. Hopefully I can keep her happy, well-fed, and entertained for the next 6 days. Then it's LG's turn. Then, 3rd week in May, It's MY TURN, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

OK. gotta go get some sleep. Another big day tomorrow!

Are the Voices in My Head Disturbing You?

2011-04-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

First, credit where credit is due: the title of this post is from an interview with a guy I dated in college: he was a sci-fi geek like myself (we actually met at a meeting of the science fiction fan club on campus) and was a member of a fictional band called the Phillip K. Dickheads. The college newspaper did an interview with the band, including photos of and quotes from all four members. He was sweet and hot and adorable and funny, and he put up with my neuroses far longer than he should have.

OK, so to get to the point, the ANNNCs are at it again. (Annoying Noisy Nosy Nattering Chipmunks, aka; the negative voices in my head.) The "Shoulds" are creeping back in.
I'm noticing this happens when I'm facing undue stress and/or feeling guilty. Which, OK, is pretty much all the time, I know, but MORE guilt and stress than usual.
So what am I feeling guilty about:

Feeding my kids lots of (whole wheat) pasta.
Spending lots of money on groceries.
Not being able to sub more classes for colleagues who are going on vacation. (I know, I know! I'm feeling guilty for NOT being able to do other peoples' work...WACKY!!!!!!!)
Being in the doghouse with my supervisor. Again. (Long story, has to do with a class, my kids' spring break schedules, and lack of child care.)
Being vegan (for the time being) and eating lots of carbs.
Falling off the wagon and eating turkey sausage last night. With cheese in it. (Hello, self, remember; no food guilt?!?!?! Remember that?)
Sitting at the computer on my one day off this week instead of going outside/walking the dog/paying bills/cleaning the closet.
The fact that, as much as I love the kids I teach, I don't want to go back to this particular teaching job next September due to other circumstances.
That I may not have the energy to teach this two-week summer camp. It's an AMAZING program, and I would love to be a part of it, but I'm not 26 and childless anymore. I just don't have the same energy levels I had back then.
That we're taking our kids away from the place that has been their home for nearly 5 years, since they were 5 and nearly 3. The place we have lived the longest since before the kids were born.
And some weird-a** guilt over being vegan and also of the idea of NOT being vegan.

Stressing over:

Being a vegan in a carnivorous house once we move.
Not doing enough yoga. (I mean, really, how weird is it that I'm stressing over not doing yoga?!?!?!)
The Big Issues. The things over which I have no control.
The move.
Finances (of course, nothing new there). And the fact there may well be a government shut-down this week, which may mean that Hubby doesn't get paid.
My weight, 'cause it's always a good thing to focus on when I can't handle the bigger issues (sarcastic eye roll).
What happens, as time goes on, with my kids: their education, their therapies, their futures, what happens when Hubby and I are no longer around, etc.
What if I start taking my drama therapy classes and discover I don't like them? What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

But even with all that going on, there's all the good stuff to focus on. Right now, at the park across the street, there's a group of adults with special needs having a picnic. I see these guys quite often, and I want to know where the facility is, if it's nearby. It could be a great resource for us, for many of the questions we have! Plus, it's great to see them out and about. And when we wave hello, it makes them so happy! Such a small thing!
(BTW, Darius Rucker, former lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, performed on the Academy of Country Music Awards the other night with a group of adults with developmental disabilities. It was amazing! I think it's on YouTube, if you want to watch it. Just have a hanky handy.)

OK. Enough. I'm gonna go use my online meditation thingy and stop obsessing about all this.

Animal Attraction

2011-03-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was driving to an appointment and saw 2 dogs (a basset and a beagle mix) wandering the street. I got out and saw that they were VERY friendly and both had collars. Before I had the chance to look at the collars, though, the basset walked to the gated front lawn of a nearby house, where another dog waited (in the yard), and turned to look back at me. I figured it was his way of telling me that he lived there, but I checked his collar just to be sure. And yes, both he and the mutt lived there. So I opened the gate (luckily the 3rd dog had zero interest in running out) and let the dogs back in.
I always seem to attract lost dogs. Most of the time I'm able to get them back home, but sometimes I have to call the SPCA. I don't know if I'm some sort of dog whisperer, or just a sucker for our furry friends.
OK, scratch that (no pun intended): I absolutely DO know, and it's the latter.
When I was a kid, I'd often go for walks around the neighborhood, and every time I did, the cats would find me. We had lots of cats in the 'hood, and I'd attract at least 2 or 3 on every walk. Not the same 2 or 3, either.
In my early 20's, when I started at the Shakespeare company, I continued my walks. This time, however, the dogs, cats, and even a horse one time, would often follow me. It' was a fairly rural area and the critters would always amble back home, eventually. It took some getting used to, as I had just moved there from Manhattan. One time I was out walking and heard a rustling in the bushes next to me. I immediately jumped away, into the middle of the road, tore the headphones off my Walkman (this was 19 years ago, lol!) and crouched, waiting for my would-be attacker, ready to strangle him with the cord. Well, my "assailant" turned out to be a cow. Looking decidedly unworried by my ninja-with-deadly-headphones stance.

In grad school I met my husband. A few days after that first meeting, we met up again at a bonfire. He had his dog with him, a big, fluffy, husky-looking guy. Having been dogless for 9 years at that point, I fell in love at first sight. When Future Hubby asked me to watch Tundra (the dog, who turned out to be a 2 year-old Alaskan Malamute) while he got something out of his car, I heartily agreed, not knowing that it was a ruse, that FH was planning on spying on us to see if we got along. Luckily, the love-at-first-sight thing went both ways, and Tundra was soon sitting in my lap, all 95 pounds of sweet malamute-ness of him.
Tundra would end up being OUR dog, and my constant, faithful companion. He lived for another 8 years before succumbing to cancer, and in that time he was my protector, my baby, and my best friend. He was filled with personality, and universally admired, everywhere we went (and, boy-howdy, did he know it! That guy was SHAMELESS!) He was also a gigantic flirt, and liked to put on a show (like the time he jumped into a water fountain at an outdoor mall in Santa Barbara.) He taught our current dog, Luna, how to howl. And when he passed, I dreamed that he was in a huge dog park, fit and healthy, running happily. In the dream, he sat in front of my and I crouched down to be on his level: he put his furry forehead up to mine, as he had so often in life, gave me his big paw, and then turned and ran off to play with the other dogs.
A couple years later, his best friend Nanook joined him. And Luna is now nearly 13; who knows how much longer we'll have her. But when I get sad about that, I remember that her buddies will be waiting for her when her time comes. And in the meantime, she has Chopper, a 65-pound pit bull, to boss around. And she does! Lying on his bed, eating his food, and generally giving him a "don't-mess-with-me-kid" attitude. (I'd like to introduce anyone who's afraid of pit bulls to Chopper; the only dangerous thing about him is his tail, which causes gale-force winds because he wags it so hard. Well, that and the fact that he thinks he's a 6-pound terrier and tries to climb onto your head.)

Finally, you all know by now about my feathered friends. Well, the other day I saw something I'd NEVER seen before: A duck running. In all my 41 years, I must admit I'd never seen that. And this guy was moving at a pretty good clip! It wasn't the most graceful movement, but, hey, it got him where he wanted to be (by me, the bringer of bread) before the other ducks and geese, and he got first dibs.

So does this mean anything? I honestly don't know. I DO know that I still get excited when I see the bunnies out on the field near our house at night, and I think it's adorable to see water fowl swimming in the pool, and I LOVE May because all the ducklings and goslings are presented to the world. I'm quite proud of the fact that one goose not only ate out of my hand, but even let me pet her.

If it DOES mean anything, I guess it's that I'm a big ol' softie. Show me an animal or a child and, well, I get all gooey inside. And, yes, I often use baby talk. I admit it.

I also know I'm not alone. Two years ago one of our neighbors installed a wooden ramp on the side of the lagoon so the baby ducks and geese would have an easier time getting in and out of the water. And when some ducklings were in the pool and couldn't get out, another neighbor used the hot tub cover as another ramp for them. There are signs all over that say "Caution: Duck Crossing" and show a picture of a duck walking across the street, carrying a satchel. Traffic often stalls because drivers are waiting for the geese to cross.

So when I start to despair about the state of humanity, I think about all this. About the time I was debating a guy on Facebook about politics and we ended up discussing our dogs. About the fact that even though I disagree with 99.99999% of what is said on Fox News, I LOVE that they do stories on laughing babies and extraordinary animals (like the Corgi who's good at math!).

And then all is well again, at least for a little while. The amazing Temple Grandin wrote a book called "Animals Make Us Human." Ain't that the truth?!

Oy! Such a Day!

2011-03-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

Woke up at 4 AM and immediately started THINKING. And that's NEVER good, lol!
To the soundtrack of WG partying like a (half-pint) rock star in her room, I started Obsessing.

Would I get the job I interviewed for? Did I WANT the job? Would I have reliable enough childcare to TAKE the job? Do I have enough energy to DO the job? It's only 2 weeks, but it's a lot to take on, especially as LG will have started his summer vacation during the second week of this job. And it's in the East Bay, which means driving over the bridge.
Twice.
Every day.
But the main concern is childcare.
Oh, and the move.
Which got me thinking about long-term childcare for other jobs that may come up.
Which made me start worrying.
Because it is so ridiculously complicated.
Which made me wonder if I should be unemployed for a while after we move.
Knowing that after 2 days of said unemployment I would most likely throw myself out of the 3rd-floor window, just to have something to do.

And then, because I'm me, my brain went directly to all the worst-case scenarios it could envision. And my brain may not be so good at things like math or peoples' names, but it's got a GREAT talent for worst-case scenarios!
And, of course, I forgot to do my yogic alternate-nostril breathing, which calms me down right away...when I remember to do it! (Seriously, it's better than a sedative! Check out Sadi Nardini demonstrating it on YouTube; it'll change your life!)
Luckily, Hubby's alarm went off soon after. He took one look at me and asked me what was wrong. I explained the childcare rigamarole, and he completely understood. Then he spent the rest of the morning (at least until 7:15, when he left for work) reassuring me that we'll work it out.
And we will!

I put WG on her bus and dropped LG off at school, where all the teachers save one in his classroom were subs.
Yikes!
(Not the ideal situation for a room full of autistic kids, but they made it through).
Then I went to San Jose for WG's IEP (an annual meeting with her teachers, therapists and team, to discuss her progress and set new goals). It was great!
have I mentioned how much I ADORE her school, and all the people in it?
And the special ed director from our school district is going to talk to the special ed director in the district we're moving to about keeping WG at her school. How awesome is that?!?!

Then it was off to the gigantic Whole Foods in Silicon Valley to buy me some vegan products: I got cheeze, mock chicken salad, miso, hummus, and even treated myself to lunch at Gratitude Cafe, which is a raw, vegan (hella expensive!) cafe inside the store.
It was YUMMY!!!!!!!!
Then it was off to the gym, to teach my Pilates class, after which I picked up LG from school and got WG off the bus.

Today was the first day of my 21-day vegan experiment. I must say, I felt more satisfied than I usually do, and wasn't obsessing about my next meal. I also have A LOT more energy right now than I usually do at this time of day. I'm thinking of taking the kids for a nice walk, since it's so beautiful out and the days are longer.

And let me just add that feeling this good after very little sleep and a pretty crappy start to the day is kind of a miracle. I don't know if it will last, if I'll become full-on vegan or more flexitarian, but if I feel good and I'm getting healthy and not obsessing over food, then I say this is one for the "win" column.

Oh, and after going over all my options, I'm still planning on going back to school for drama therapy.
As for the job, well, they haven't even offered it to me yet. And I need more time to think. But my instincts are telling me it may not be the best timing, and I might be stretching things too thin if I take it on.

But I'll let you know!

Take care, all!

Well, It's Happened.

2011-03-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

The Plateau. The stalled weight loss.
I kinda hoped it would happen later, when I'd lost a BIT more weight.
But then, maybe it's not a REAL plateau: maybe it's the combined result of a few incredibly stressful (and ridiculously busy), emotionally charged weeks and a late period. (I took a test, it said negative. But I bought a 3-pack just in case. PLEASE, NO!!!!!!!)

I'm also considering doing a 21-day vegan experiment, courtesy of Dr. Neal Barnard. What the heck, it's only 3 weeks, it's free online, and what could it hurt? I've been looking more and more into vegetarianism/veganism over the past couple of years. May as well give it a go. No law that says I HAVE to stick with it if I don't want to.
But I have to do SOMETHING about my energy levels! They're in the basement. I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days. Every day. I'm missing out on my life, and my kids' childhood, and all the good stuff that's around. Some days I dread going to work. I'm having trouble motivating myself to work out on the days I'm not teaching pilates.
I think I'm falling into a bit of a depression again. I REALLY don't want to go back on the drugs, but I will if I have to. It just seems like every day dumps something else on my already crud-filled plate. This morning I started wondering if I was being punished for something I did in another life. Maybe I was a real jerk, and now my kids are paying the price.
Except I don't believe that G-d and Karma work that way. I don't believe He would make my kids suffer for something I'd done. And I also know that I am so very blessed, in so many ways. That my husband and I were chosen to be the parents of these two amazing kids. That, yes, things happen for a reason, and those reasons aren't always clear until later, looking back. So I just have to keep slogging through the quagmire (literally; it's been raining here for nearly 3 weeks!) and keep the faith that the light is out there and I WILL reach it, eventually.
(This is going to sound bizarre, but I think I was a marine mammal in a past life. I was OBSESSED with water when I was a kid, staring at my grandparents' neighbors' pool for hours on end, swimming until I turned into a prune whenever possible, and running right for the seals every time we went to the aquarium. And really, how big a jerk could I have been as a SEAL?!?!?! Even in this life, marine mammals and birds REALLY like me! I once went nose-to-nose with a puffin at the New England Aquarium.
In my 20's. And don't get me started on the ducks and geese. OK, I feed them, but still!
My husband always attracts the chimps at the zoo. What does THAT say? )

I did have an interesting experience a week ago: in the middle of teaching a class, I felt, for just a few seconds, more powerful and capable than I have ever felt in my life. I thought "I am the TEACHER." These students are relying on me, my knowledge, and my experience to give them better health. And I ROCK!!!!!!"
I can honestly say I have NEVER had that particular feeling before; of being so completely grounded, confident, and in control. It was a flash of insight. I was left with the feeling of what it would be like to live my life as a full participant, rather than simply reacting to the people and circumstances around me. I finally understood, on a visceral level, what yogis mean when they talk about being the tree that bends in the wind and stays standing, rather than the one that topples over.
Or maybe a better image is that I no longer want to be that plastic bag being blown around in the wind (remember "American Beauty?"). I want to be sturdy. Flexible, yes, but not bending to the point where I break.

I remember seeing a sign in someone's office once, back in my temping days, that said "A mistake on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." It was the first time I realized that I didn't have to make other peoples' problems my own, even if they were my boss. Or the a**hole in the car behind me, revving his engine and leaning on his horn because I was taking "too long" to make a right turn. (I do try to avoid driving directly into the path of oncoming cars. Call me crazy...) Or the woman who gave the Starbucks baristas a hard time and then honked at me because I let a car in front of me and she was behind me. Too bad, so sad: pull on your big-girl panties and deal with it, byotch!
(I have had some NASTY encounters with rich suburban moms in that shopping center parking lot! I WON'T miss that when we move, let me tell ya! Spoiled idiots who GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to ruin someone else's afternoon because they were inconvenienced for all of 5 seconds!)

So I guess the theme in my life right now is Keeping The Faith. Things WILL get better. The plateau will go away, the weight will come off, the kids will adjust to their new home, be in the schools they are meant to be in, and all will be well.

Amen.

Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn!

2011-03-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

That's who I'm turning into. The crazy, mean neighborhood lady who yells at kids.
Not that I have a front lawn.
But I'm feeling somewhat Scrooge-like lately. When I look at other peoples' vacation pix on their blogs, or hear a client complain about the difficulties of renovating their kitchen, I get cranky.
OK, let's be real: I get bitchy!

And I fall into the "poor me" syndrome.

"Poor me! I haven't had a vacation in over a year-and-a half, so don't talk to me about yours!"
"Poor me! I can't even afford to stay in my house, so don't complain to me that your custom-made drapes don't match the dishwasher!"
"Poor me! I'm struggling financially, so don't complain to me that you don't feel rich with *ONLY* 5 million dollars!"
(OK, I think that last one is legitimate.)

Yes, it's true that I desperately need a break. And I will take one in May, once the class I'm teaching (and show I'm co-directing) is over. I'm taking a week-long stay-cation, getting subs for my Pilates classes. I'll go for walks and bike rides and swims while the kids are at school.
Or maybe just nap.
I'll hang out at Barnes & Noble, take the dog to the dog park, and just chill as much as possible.

In summer we'll move, and we won't have to pour all our money into our house. So I won't have to work quite as many hours outside the house. I won't be doing just about ALL the housework!!!!!!! I'll have help, and help with the kids.

So I just need to hang in there for another 2 months.

And stop grousing!

Enough.

2011-03-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Getting sucked into political discussions on Facebook. Staying awake and worrying over the state of the world. Letting others make me feel less than or even useless because they don't like or agree with the way I live my life.

Enough.

Spending time on energy drains, whether they be people or things.

Enough.

Feeling guilty because other people think I don't work as hard as they do. They don't see me when I'm not with them. They have no idea. (For example, today: Waking up at 4:30 AM, getting WG ready for occupational therapy while she pulled my hair and scratched. Then getting LG up and dressed. Dropping him off at school, taking her to O.T., then driving her down to San Jose for school. Driving home to pick up LG, who had an abbreviated day, then taking him to HIS O.T. Coming home to get WG off the bus. Making them a snack. Doing laundry, making dinner, taking the dog out, trying to get a workout in, giving both kids baths. Getting ready for both of my classes tomorrow AND creating a lesson plan for an interview on Friday, for which I will drive to Oakland after teaching 2 Pilates classes, then drive home to pick up the kids. After that, cleaning the house to get ready for Hubby's birthday on Saturday, when I also have a class in the A.M.)

Enough.

Enough of letting others' opinions of me matter so much. Enough of trying to get others to see a different P.O.V when they don't want to.

None of that is my concern.

Because I have enough to deal with.

So, enough.

What?!

2011-03-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

2 posts in as many days? What the hey?
I have the ENTIRE day off!!!!!! And since LG is home again from school, I'm hangin' out here with him. Gonna do some laundry, get ready for tomorrow's drama class, throw in a little yoga, then get in some quality reading time with the LG. I think we'll do BOTH pirate books, the Animal Strike at the Zoo (It's True!), AND The Lamb Who Came for Dinner. Good stuff! We may even get through Pierre the Penguin (A True Story).

But first, some random post stuff:

I am once again teaching my mat class for the pre-school teachers at the JCC on Monday afternoons.
Which is quite nice.

This past Saturday I had 26 people in my mat class at Crunch. The week before I'd had 30. That makes me very happy! I LOVE that class; the clients are so nice!

The mole on my dog's paw is getting larger, and she keeps licking it. I'm worried.
She is 12 1/2, after all.
She also has yet another bladder infection.
And an ear infection.
Poor puppy!

Last night I dreamed that Lawrence O'Donnell (from MSNBC) and Bill O'Reilly (From Fox) went out to a pub in Manhattan together to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. After a number of pints, they strolled the Upper East Side arm in arm singing sea chanteys.
I'm wondering, yet again, what the H my subconscious is trying to tell me.
I also realize it will take a while for me to see either of them without hearing :
"O, when yer sailin' 'round Cape Horn
(Heave away, Haul away)
Don't ya wish you'd ne'er been born
(Haul away Home)"

Last night, BEFORE said dream, Hubby and I had to cut WG's nails. Fingers AND toes. We dread it, because she hates it. She fights and struggles and squirms and cries and kicks (have I mentioned how strong she is?) and wails like her little heart is breaking.
But last night...she didn't. She cried a bit at first, when we worked on her toes, but she didn't fight. And by the time Hubby got to her fingers, she was helping him out! Then he played music on his guitar for her and she started dancing with me!!!!! LG was also in the room, and every once in a while he'd say "Stop singing, Daddy!" (because he prefers to do the singing around here, thankyouverymuch), but only half-heartedly, because he knew his sister was enjoying it.
We have the most awesome kids!

Went to bed at 9. Turned on the TV and was flipping around and found an old episode of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" with Brent Spiner. I LOVE Brent Spiner! So I started to watch it.
But then I fell asleep.
Because, if you read yesterday's post, you know that I hadn't slept much the previous 2 nights.
Hubby watched, though. I woke up a bit towards the end.
I think the daughter did it.
Killed the guy, I mean.
(And poured acid on his face. Which was, I think, quite literally, overkill!)
So while Brent Spiner's character was a whackadoo, he wasn't a killer.

I've been reading some very good books lately. Right now I'm reading "The Penny Tree" by Holly Kennedy. It came out 4 years ago, but I'm only now getting to it.
My "To Be Read" list gets longer and longer.
I've also read 3 books by Barbara O'Neal that I enjoyed immensely. Good stories, happy endings, and recipes. What more can you ask?
And the new Sarah Addison Allen book is coming out soon.
Love her!

Also love Artisana Cacao Bliss. Raw chocolate and coconut. Warm it up before you eat it. Heaven! (I eat it right off the spoon.)

OK. I think I'm done rambling now. If you've stuck with all this, thank you.
And I'm sorry.

Take care!

Sniffles, Sleep, Seals, and "Les Miz." Oh, and Pools.

2011-03-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm a little worried: LG, who hardly ever gets sick, has yet another cold. This is the 3rd time he's been sick in 4 months. The first time, in November, I think he had the flu. He missed a week of school, and he NEVER misses that much! He's usually over his sickness within 24 hours. But today he woke up with a slight fever, and he's sniffling & sneezing, poor thing.
Although it certainly hasn't affected his energy level (through the roof) or his appetite (5 Boca breakfast links, 2 apples, and counting).
WG got the flu right after he did, and she's had a couple of colds since, as well. She had a big ol' sneeze right before leaving for school this morning, so we'll see how THAT goes.
It's because I didn't get them their flu shots this year, I'm guessing. But we haven't gotten them for the past couple of years, and they've been fine.
Sometimes I'm an idiot!
I REALLY shouldn't take chances this way! Because now they're paying for it!
And yes, I know the flu shot doesn't protect against colds, but maybe they wouldn't be so vulnerable to the cold viruses if they hadn't had the flu. Poor babies!

LG is going to turn 10 this year. WTH?!?!?! How did THAT happen? It's crazy; time just keeps speeding up, and I want it to slow down a little bit! I want to go back in time, just for a couple of hours, to when they were toddlers. It's a bit of a blur, and I want to go back knowing what I know now. But I guess we all want that, at some point or another.

Anyway,what with all the germs and anxiety flying around, there hasn't been a lot of sleep up in here. I'm hoping that will be remedied soon.
Like tonight.

In the GOOD news portion of the blog, I saw a seal yesterday! I was walking at Seal Point Park, a place, mind you, where I had NEVER previously seen a seal. Just as I was thinking about that fact, a seal popped his head out of the water and looked right at me. He (or she) was SO CUTE!!!!! Just staring right at me, as if to state that, yes, they do in fact live there.
I may be post-40, but show me a cute mammal and I'm 9 years old again. Don't even get me started on the deer that live around here! They see me coming and sigh, like little kids who know they're about to get their cheeks pinched. As for the geese and ducks, well, they've once again started hanging out in front of our townhouse, waiting for bread. I'm gonna miss those guys! Although I'm guessing our neighbor's cat may expel a huge sigh of relief when he sees our moving van drive away.

Speaking of the move, my therapist (bless her) gave me a suggestion. One that goes into the "Duh!" file, but she's kind enough not to say that out loud. I was saying how much we'd miss the pool, how good the water is for the kids' sensory systems, and that I was concerned about taking them to a big public pool with the crowds and the noise and all, and she said "Why don't you get one of those inexpensive above-ground pools from Target?"
And the angels sang!
And then I remembered last summer, and how we would get all those circulars in the paper advertising those pools! They're not kiddie pools, but they're not huge, either. The water goes to about 4-5 feet, and they fit 6-10 people, depending on whether they're kids or adults. I kept thinking "If we had a yard, I'd TOTALLY get one of these, omig-d!!!!" (Because I often think in a valley girl accent.)
And then promptly forgot all about it.
But my in-laws have a yard. A big yard! With an area that would be PERFECT for one of these inexpensive pools! And then the kids could splash and play to their hearts' content. In private. Safely (with adult supervision, of course!), and we wouldn't have to pay a fee to use it!
Then, as the weather gets cooler, we simply empty it out and put it away until next year.
So, of course, I then had to go and start dreaming big, like "What if we got one of those swim spa thingies? Or one of the "swim at home" pools that creates a current so you can swim laps?" Then I went online and saw that they START at $13,000, and that was the end of THAT. 'Cause the one from Target costs $179.
Hubby's on board with the idea. We just have to ask, y'know, my in-laws.
But I have a feeling they'll be amenable to it.

Finally, I don't know if you happened to catch it, but "Les Miserables: The 25th Anniversary Concert" was on PBS last night. it was performed last November, and at the end they brought on members of the original London cast to perform. It was AWESOME!!!!! "Les Miz" is one of my favorite shows EVER. I saw in on Broadway in '87.
3 times.
And saw the touring production in Boston in '88.
4 times.
(Gotta love those student discount tickets!)
And I have to say, watching it again last night brought a few tears to my eyes.
Partly because I'm, once again, realizing how freakin' old I am! I saw the show when I was 18/19. Now I have kids and I'm hitting (glurk!) middle age.
Sigh.

Time marches on.

But, hey. At least when we have the pool I can act like a kid again!

What's The Point(s value)? And On to Politics.

2011-03-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

If you're familiar with Weight Watchers, you know that you have a daily allotment of Points (every food has a Points value. And usually the word "Points" is followed by that little "TM" sign, but I don't have it on the keyboard, so I'm just going to Capitalize it and let you know that that word has been trademarked by Weight Watchers. So I don't get in trouble.) You also have a weekly allotment of extra points that can be used however you see fit, and you can rack up Activity Points by, well, doing activities. Like working out.
I have been borrowing A LOT of points. And I need to cut down. Because the things I have been borrowing Points for are not always the most beneficial. Yes, a treat now and then is, I believe, absolutely necessary, but do I REALLY need (or WANT) a sugar-free caramel brulee latte from Starbucks 5 days a week?
No. I REALLY don't.
Granted, the Points value is low, but still.
The fact is, I don't like them all that much.
And I don't like the effect of all that artificial sweetener on my body.
I'd rather blow those points on pizza night with my family, or on a really good dessert, than on the fake stuff.
Yesterday I decided to not only cut down on the amount of sugar I eat, but also fake sugar. The stuff I already know is bad for me, but has been hard to let go of. I'd already decided to declare diet soda as a once-in-the-while thing, easing towards cutting it out completely, because not only does it have zero nutrition, it may also lead to a STROKE!!!!!!! At least according to a report that came out about 3 weeks ago.
So I have 1 cup of coffee in the morning, and then some unsweetened ice tea later. Lots of water. And I've been hitting the blogosphere for good, healthy recipes: THANK YOU, Heather Eats Almond Butter, Chocolate Covered Katie, Meals & Moves, Carrots-n-Cake, Diet, Dessert, & Dogs, Girl Heroes, Smoothie Girl Eats Too, The Body of a Mother, and SO MANY others!!!!!!!

The great thing is that while I have done WW before, this time I feel different. I'm not exercising simply to accrue more points, or eating crappy, processed diet food, or obsessing endlessly over my numbers. I find myself gravitating towards the things that make me feel good; the whole foods, a nice glass of ice water, recording my activity points AFTER I've done the activity, so I don't fall back into over-exercising.
Yes, the sugar-free gelatin is low in points. But do I really want it? Ugh! No! Eating it takes me right back to being 10 years old and having intestinal flu, when gelatin and Nilla wafers were all I could keep down.
No thanks!

My weight loss has been slow, and fairly steady. Which is good. Sure, there are times when I want to yell at the scale to hurry up and move faster, but I gently remind myself that the number on the scale is simply that; a number. And I think if I didn't have to weight myself as part of the program, I'd ditch the scale entirely.
The funny thing is, I don't panic about it like I used to. The scale is not my enemy. I don't weigh myself daily, and certainly not multiple times a day like I used to while in the throes of my ED. I don't give myself a time limit for when the weight has to be off, or even a goal weight. Because I am stronger and more toned now, and healthier. It's not about how much I weigh, it's about getting rid of the excess baggage, both physical and psychical.
As I go through this, I am working, very slowly, through Marianne Williamson's "A Course in Weight Loss." I wrote about it before, when I was just starting. I'm working my way through a long, involved section dealing with my emotions. It's slow-going, and it's invaluable.
It also makes me think about the speed at which we live our lives. We want, and get, just about everything right away. Sometimes fast can be good: when you're looking at a mini-Everest of Laundry, getting it done as quickly as possible can be a good thing. But there are some things that need time. And when we race through the day trying to finish our to-do list, I think we miss an awful lot.
Yesterday I was in the car driving to work, and being endlessly tailgaited (as you know, one of my pet peeves). One car after another, until they'd give up and switch lanes. Because I was in the slow lane, behind a long line of cars. People were honking and cutting each other off and making rude gestures at each other, and I wondered: does EVERYONE on this freeway have to be somewhere RIGHT NOW? Is it a matter of LIFE AND DEATH? Or are we just impatient? And doesn't it speak volumes about the way we go through life? If the car in the lane next to us signals that it wants to move into our lane, how do we react? Usually by speeding up and making them fight to get in behind us. But what would it cost us to let the car in IN FRONT of us? 10 seconds of time? Yet we act as if they are trying to take something from us, as if there's only so much freeway and not everyone will be able to get on. Driving has become a fiercely competitive sport.
What would happen if we all decided to give ourselves a break and take things slowly? If everyone took our time getting to work ('cause, really, are they gonna fire ALL of us on the same day?), stood patiently in line at Starbucks, focused on one task at a time, were polite, ate slowly, walked more slowly (as long as the weather allowed for it!), gave our full attention when someone spoke to us?
Would we be healthier? Calmer? Less afraid? Our culture seems to be to be based on fear right now: fear of the economy, of losing our jobs, our homes, what is rightfully OURS. And these ARE real, genuine fears. But when we live in a constant state of anxiety, we become unhealthy. Just look at studies in the area of anxiety disorder: constant anxiety produces stress hormones, creating more adrenaline, which keeps us awake at night and gives us, believe it or not, belly fat. So if we can't calm ourselves down for the sake of our health, can we do it for the sake of vanity, at least?
There are many people who benefit from our stress. The diet industry, the pharmaceutical industry, yes, but also politicians and pundits. If they can keep us believing that "the other side" wants to take away our freedom, we will stay fearful and keep watching/ electing them. If we were to cut through the partisan noise, we might just find out that we all have a lot in common and that we all want many of the same things, and the fear would lessen.
That would be bad for ratings.
But maybe, just maybe, the politicians would focus less on pleasing those pundits and work more toward finding solutions.
Maybe.
I'm not holding my breath.

I AM, however, fighting the good fight in my own life. There's not a lot I can do to change the political tone in the country, or control the way others drive, but I can control how I REACT to it all. I can do what is best for me and for my kids. I can try and be compassionate when someone is being a jerk, because they are coming from their own experience and, yes, their own fear.

And I can be compassionate with myself when I forget and screech at the idiot who just cut me off on the freeway.

I Love Ya, Tomorrow!

2011-02-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

The kids are GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!
As much as I adore them, having them home for a week, in February, when the weather's not so great (can't go to the park) and the pool is closed, is NOT so much fun. All the fun-kids'-stuff places are packed, and I'm on my own with them both, which can be a lot to handle.
Plus, I couldn't go ANYWHERE (except work) without taking them with me. Let's just say that grocery shopping with my two adorable urchins is always an adventure. Less Disneyland-adventure and more "127 Hours." As in, I think I'd rather cut off my own limb than take both of my kids to the grocery store!!!!!!!

Today we took a nice drive. Hubby had an audition up in Marin, so we thought it'd be fun to pack the family (including the dog) into the minivan and go. Until we got there, and WG had a meltdown. A screaming, crying, hair-pulling, scratching, finger-yanking (and this girl has a GRIP!) meltdown that lasted nearly 45 minutes. Finally, after rejecting her snacks, she accepted an apple, I bought her some Doritios (I know, I know, but I was desperate!!!), she not only calmed down, but was happy again. And we all had a LOVELY afternoon! We drove north to Point Reyes (one of my favorite places on earth), then circled back to Highway 1 and drove back along the coast. it was a BEAUTIFUL day, and this was like a mini-vacation! All that open space and being by the ocean made us able to breathe again.
And it was (yet another) reminder that we need to TAKE A BREAK now and then! Yes, we're busy, yes we need to work all the hours we can, but we also need OUR SANITY. The trip cost us a few dollars in gas and 12 dollars in snacks. Not a bad price to pay!

And yes, we DID watch the Oscars. Let me just say how glad I am that we live in Pacific Standard Time and it was only 8:45 when the show FINALLY ended, lol!
I'm also glad we don't live in L.A., where the Oscars are a national holiday and it's impossible to not only drive anywhere, but to find any salty snacks. We would have been stuck in meltdown-land if we were in L.A. today! And I'm REALLY thankful neither Hubby or I were ever successful enough to warrant an invite to the actual ceremony, and I can watch it in my jammies while baking cookies, and don't have to starve myself, spend hours getting dressed, or wear horrible high heels or listen to idiots eviscerate my fashion choices.

So tomorrow I will put WG on her bus, drop LG off at school, teach a private Pilates session, and take the rest of the day off.

It may sound crazy, but I LOVE Mondays!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

2011-02-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

So this morning Hubby and I decided to go with the short sale of the house this coming summer. As hard as it might be to leave the home we've had for 5 years and put LG in a new school in September, it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Last night, after subbing a class, I had to go to Target for some essentials, and then put gas in the car. When I realized I could barely afford gas and that Target is a luxury, It hit me hard that we cannot continue to live here anymore. As Hubby said this morning, the house has gone from an investment to a money pit. And, as I've mentioned before, it's not as if we'll be moving into a refrigerator box on the side of the train tracks. We'll be moving to a beautiful house, surrounded by loving family.
We need to save money for the kids' future: when Hubby and I are no longer around the kids will need, at the least, an aid. Perhaps assisted living. All of that costs money.
It will also cut WAY down on our stress levels.
Oh, and the fact that we can walk downtown, to the park, and pretty much anywhere else we need to go is a huge plus, considering that gas prices in the Bay Area are predicted to hit $5/gallon by summer 2012.

So I've been sitting here thinking about all the things we might be able to do once we're not pouring all our money into the house. Like go out to dinner once in a while, just me and Hubby. Or even take the kids on a real vacation!!!!! Pay off my student loans more quickly. Maybe even take Krav Maga again. (THANK YOU, Charlotte, for your post about it this morning!!!!!) I hear there's a GREAT Krav Maga trainer in Santa Clara!
Finally, since I won't have to take crappy jobs I hate just to pay the bills, I can find a GOOD job I actually like! And I can go to school, part-time, for drama therapy. I'll be able to pay for it and I'll have the time.

It's nice to be able to take my own advice from the title of this blog, lol!

Apologies

2011-02-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

My last couple of posts have been quite angry and full of complaints. Part of me is embarrassed, but another part of me, the 12 year-old part, thinks "It's my blog and I can write what I want, so phphphphllllththth!!!!!"

Yes, it IS my bloggie, and I can whine if I want to. But I do apologize if anyone was offended, annoyed, or just plain bored. I'm trying to find healthy ways of venting my anger and frustration, and blogging seems to be one of those ways. I COULD write in my journal, and I DO, but blogging about stuff just feels so...cleansing. Getting it out there into the universe. Ether. Blogiverse. Wherever it goes. It feels like the proverbial weight slipping off of my shoulders.
However, I COMPLETELY understand if you don't particularly want to read those types of posts! I can try and remember to put a warning in the title: something like "Caution: Contains Whining. May Not Be Suitable For Those Who Have Enough Crap Going On In Their Own Lives and Feel No Need To Read About Someone Else's, ThankYouVeryMuch."

Or maybe I could put a code word in the title. Like "WCWMNBSFTWHECGOITOLAFNNTRASETYVM." Which takes almost as long to type.

Hmmm...I'll figure SOMETHING out!

It just all came to a head, y'know? The house, the money issues, the lack of time off, getting sick, subbing a ton of classes, the issues at work, and now the kids' school vacation. Plus, watching and reading stuff that literally makes me insane. The news. The commentary that passes itself off as news. That episode of "Dr. Oz" that was all about Autism but ended up not being helpful AT ALL and just made me more nervous, addled, and hopeless.
The feeling I sometimes get that I am drowning. That I have no control over anything, that my life isn't my own, that if I don't get some time to myself SOON I am going to explode. But there IS no time on the horizon.
I have to MAKE time. Because no one is gonna hand it to me. There's no fairy godmother waiting to wave her magic wand and make time stop for a while so I can get my bearings again. I have to demand it. And if others don't like it, that's their problem, not mine.

I have to stop letting myself get sucked into political discussions on Facebook. They only stress me out and take even more time away.

I need to stop feeling guilty over little things. Like the number of books I've bought over the last few years. If I figure in how much I HAVEN'T spent on things like going to the movies, or out to dinner, or meeting friends for coffee, or going to a spa day (or even a mani-pedi or getting my Bert-from-Sesame-Street-eyebrows waxed), or going on vacation, or shopping anywhere other than the grocery store, then I'm doing OK.
Reading is the only real ME time I get. Yes, I'm spending more time at the library and less at the bookstore these days, but there's no need for me to feel guilty over actually buying some books when 95% of my time and energy is put towards other people.
Besides, I donate A LOT of those books to the library, so I'm sharing the wealth.

So. More lessons learned.

I'm off to finish reading "Emily the Strange: The Lost Days."

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming!

2011-02-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

Some days just aren't worth the effort it takes to get dressed.
Granted, I'm not a naturally optimistic person, but yesterday would've tried even the patience of a saint.
Maybe it's me, but when I interview for a job and explain that I am a mom, and that my kids have special needs, and that I will do EVERYTHING in my power to NOT have that interfere with the job, and you tell me that it's all good, you understand, it's a family-friendly place with lots of working moms, that you yourself are a working mom and you totally get it, especially when it comes to kids on the spectrum because, after all, I'm being hired to work with kids who don't necessarily fit in with other kids, then maybe you should think about actually practicing what you preach! Especially after you've already lost 2 other teachers over the same issue!
I have never missed a day. In fact, I am ALWAYS the first one to show up. I haven't let my childcare issues interfere AT ALL with the job. Just the opposite; I have busted my a** making sure it isn't an issue.
But now I have a small problem, and you have let me know, in no uncertain terms, that you will NOT be part of the solution. Not even for 10 minutes. That you will rake me over the coals if I even THINK of doing, for 10 minutes, WHAT YOU DO EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Here's the deal: my babysitter's hours have changed at her regular job. We were thinking that I could bring my kids to work with me for a few minutes, just until she can get there and bring them back home. Once in a while, not all the time. And she'd be there before my class starts. Seeing as my boss brings her almost-two year-old to the office every day, I thought maybe it wouldn't be a problem. I thought, because she told me she understood my situation when she interviewed me that there might be some leeway. But I found out that 2 other teachers before me did exactly as I was planning to do and got into serious trouble for it. They ended up quitting. And I am going to do the same. Not right away, I will see my commitment through. For the students' sake, and because I keep my promises. But I will NOT be returning in the fall.
I spend over half my paycheck on childcare. I joined this program because I believed in what I thought we were trying to do. But between the issues in the classroom and now this, it is SO not worth it!!!!!

Later, at my other job, I was told that the lounge, where I have been hanging out between classes for 3 years, is actually NOT open to the staff. There IS a staff lounge, but I don't have a key, since I'm only part time. This was immediately followed by an email to the staff informing us that from now on we may only park in the spaces furthest from the building.
OK, that last one I get: the members pay A LOT of money, and we have a large senior citizen population. It was just that 1-2-3 punch that left me reeling. Left me feeling like a 3rd-class citizen.
Completely disrespected.
Especially since there was no one else in the lounge at the time, and I was sitting silently reading a book! And I arrived early for my class, due to the lack of traffic. Am I supposed to stand in the hallway for an hour? I don't have an office. What next? We're not allowed in the locker rooms? The cafe?
I just don't get it. Are members so offended at having to mix with "the help" that we can't sit in the same room with them? Because if that's the case, what the hell kind of place IS it?

Between all this stuff,our economic crud, and everything going on in the country and the world, I just want to curl up into a little ball and stay in bed. And in a way I am. LG is home sick from school and I have the day off, so we're curled up in bed watching the rain. I may even start a fire in the fireplace.
I've decided to be selfish for a while. To stop worrying about all the things I can't control and focus on my family.
And myself.

Because I give up.

For now, at least.

Sniffle Suffle Snort Gragh!!!!!!!

2011-02-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

So that cold I had last weekend decided to hang on all week. I'm wondering if it was more than a cold, because my body was achy and tired, and I was awake 2 nights in a row. Luckily I had a GREAT sleep last night, and woke up feeling much better! It helps to have lovely, sexy dreams about Richard Armitage (the ridiculously handsome English actor, not the former deputy secretary of state. No offense to the latter.) in order to wake up happy.
A few days ago I had another job interview, and it got me thinking about some of the jobs I have now. Well, one in particular. Something has been off since I started last Fall, and I finally put it all together: If I'm going to teach a class for kids, then it needs to be about more than the end product. Yes, the show should be good, but the class needs to be about MORE than creating a good show. It needs to be process-oriented, not product-oriented. I realized that there are folks teaching who don't necessarily have any teacher training. They're good at what they do, but it doesn't always translate to being a good teacher.
(Kinda like 90% of the folks in L.A. who call themselves "acting teachers!")
See, I was spoiled: I took my first teacher-training at the age of 23. One of the instructors said something at a PTA meeting that stuck with me, that it's not about creating actors, it's about creating confidence. Study after study after study has shown that arts education translates to more class participation, as well as helping to keep kids in school until they graduate. And I've seen evidence of this myself, over and over again.
My next training was in my late 20's, and we read "Multiple Intelligences" by Howard Gardner. He theorizes that everyone learns in a different way, so education needs to be catered to the individual rather than to the group. And I believe it! Basically, there are 3 main categories of learning: seeing, doing, and hearing. We all learn through a combination of all 3, but we each also have different strengths and weaknesses.

One thing I know for sure; shaming students, trying to make them feel guilty, does NOT work! If a student is enthusiastic all around but refusing to participate in one exercise, then there's a reason for it. Instead of lecturing, what about letting him/her observe and then easing him/her into it?
Kids aren't mini-adults, and we're not working with professional actors. This isn't a production, it's a CLASS with a show at the end of the semester. It needs to be fun, sure (otherwise why would the kids even bother showing up?), and there needs to be a benefit beyond being complimented on a good performance.

OK. Rant over. I just realize that there are certain environments in which my style of teaching won't fit. So, lesson learned.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you are celebrating with the ones you love, whether they be human, furry, feathery, scaly, or all of the above!

Like The Weather?

2011-02-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the fact that we've been having temperature's 20 degrees ABOVE normal here (as opposed to the rest of the poor country) and it has been gorgeous out (even though I've been stuck inside with a nasty cold), but I woke up this morning with a deep feeling of optimism. My first thought upon awakening was "OK, things are gonna be So much better this year!"

And then, because I have PMS (is it me, or do I seem to post more when I have PMS? Or maybe I just have Permanent Menstrual Syndrome), I had a temper tantrum and startled LG. Because I let all the little things get to me. And the big things to, like getting the paperwork done so that my S-I-L and her hubby can short-sell their house (which is in my name) and move in with the in-laws.
Yup. Same in-laws we will eventually be moving in with.
Good thing it's a big house, lol!

I REALLY have to stop doing that!

Last night I was feeling a weight obsession coming on, so I started reading "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. It's based on her work with "A Course in Miracles," and it just makes SO much sense! Later I was lounging in bed and flipping through the channels when I spotted Paul McKenna on "Dr. Oz." I'd bought his book "I Can Make You Thin" a few years ago, and listened to his self-hypnosis CD for a while, until I, um, misplaced it. (I think it might be in one of the kids' rooms. Kids make great scapegoats, don't they?)
He works with hypnosis and "tapping," (literally tapping certain body parts, meridians in the body, based on acupuncture), in order to break bad habits and create new ones. And hey, the tapping feels pretty good, and it couldn't hurt, right? It beats banging my head against the wall, in any case.
Basically I had to remind myself that while I'm changing my behavior with Weight Watchers, I still need to fix the CAUSE of the behavior.
And I must be patient!

(OK, quick side note: I just looked away from my computer screen to find my dog staring at me. She must want something. But what? What does it mean?!?!?! Ah, the mysterious world of canines!)

I also need to learn to accept certain things: when I'm premenstrual, I WILL get annoyed. Frequently. I will get bloated and (sorry) constipated. I will break out. Reality TV will send me into the depths of despair (seriously, watching "The Bachelor" would lead one to believe the Womens' Movement never happened!), and it is all OK. This too shall pass. It is NOT the end of the world.

And for those of you not in California, Florida, or Hawaii, the weather WILL eventually get better!

BIG Confession!!!!!!

2011-02-01T16:07:00.000-08:00

I was not going to write about this at all. I was going to keep it my little secret form my blogging pals.
But then I realized I'd be doing you all a huge disservice.
And that is not cool.
I have a confession to make, and it's embarrassing.

I recently re-joined Weight Watchers.

To be more precise, I joined on the night of January 21st. It was Friday, I had just eaten way too much at dinner (again), and I was feeling desperate. My weight was going up again. I was stressed to the max, feeling sick and lethargic, and needed to do SOMETHING. So I got on the computer, looked at the new program, and signed up for a month. I promised myself that the moment I started sinking back into ED-like behaviors, I would stop.
But then something funny happened: I started noticing more and more how I was feeling. At times when I would normally have a snack, out of habit, I found myself asking if I was really hungry. If so, I'd have that snack. But if not, I'd refrain. I just didn't eat anything until I was hungry. And it was good!
I found myself wondering what kind of workout, if any, I felt like doing. Sometimes it was a 60-minute, high-intensity gut-buster (like yesterday), and other times it was a walk, or a little bit of yoga, or nothing at all.
And I felt OK, with all of it.
Granted, it has only been a bit over a week, but in that time I have started ...eating and exercising according to what my body tells me.
Intuitively.
Who knew that this commercial weight-loss program would be my entry into full-on IE? Yes, I'm counting points, but it's an afterthought. First I ask myself what (and IF) I really want to eat, then do the math later. Whereas before, last time I did the program, I would abstain from even healthy fats because of their point level, I don't bother now. My main concern is how healthy it is (seeing my F-I-L after his multiple surgeries has made me a bit obsessive, but it'll calm down) and is it what I really want.
None of the "diet-think" has come into play, which is what I was most afraid of. I'm not thinking "I have to finish this because I already calculated my points" or "I can't eat all of this, it has too many points." Instead, I ask myself if I WANT to finish it, and adjust the points accordingly. (This morning I made some oatmeal, then ate half of it. I just wasn't hungry enough to finish it. And when I got hungry later, I ate. For me, this was HUGE.)
When I was first reading about IE, one of the things that jumped out at me was how IE'ers can leave food on their plates and not think about it. They can have a cake in the house and take it or leave it. That seemed impossible to me at the time. Now I am becoming a person who can do just that.
I don't give WW all the credit. Actually, I don't give them much credit at all; this is ME. I've been working my butt off in therapy and in life to get to this point! WW gives me structure and helps me think before I mindlessly cram food into my cake hole, but all the other stuff is ME.
And you guys! Knowing I'm not alone in my craziness is a BIG help, lol! And the encouragement and support I get from your comments and from reading your blogs is beyond words.

I feel lighter. Not just because of the 6 pounds (mostly fluid, I'm sure, lol!) I've lost, but because I am finally, FINALLY, getting it. Not just in my head, but in my body. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight. But I am also hopeful that I WILL be a full-on intuitive eater sooner rather than later, and I am confident that I have the tools now to better deal with life and all it's stuff.

So there it is. My secret is out, and I am glad. I realize this may disappoint some of you, and that's OK. I can deal with that. I would not presume to tell you what you can and cannot feel.

After all, that's what got me into so much trouble to begin with!

Owie!

2011-01-28T13:03:00.000-08:00

My body is screaming at me.
For the past few nights I've had trouble sleeping, my legs are cramping up, and I'm cranky.
I've been eating pretty well lately, getting lots o' good stuff in the ol' system, keeping my energy levels up.
But my workouts have been harder to do. Even the less intense ones. My first inclination has been to grit my teeth and push through.
Yes, sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
My body is telling me to CUT IT OUT!!!!!! Ease up, dude! Dial it back, buddy!
TAKE A FLIPPIN' BREAK!!!!!!!!!
This morning I'm teaching a reformer class. Luckily it is a beginners' class and I can teach mostly off the reformer. I've also decided NOT to ride my bike to work.
Because my legs hurt!
I've been showing CLASSIC signs of workout burnout, and ignoring it.
The same way I was oblivious to my post-partum depression after LG was born.
I am ignorant of my own pain. And that is NOT helpful, at all!

Why is it OK for others to need support, but not me? I realized recently that I have never felt protected. I have always felt like the protecTOR. I haven't put my faith in anyone enough to LET them protect me when I needed it. Until very recently. Like a month ago, with Hubby. The night he told me we may lose our home, and he let me sob into his chest while he held me, for as long as I needed.

Let's face it; life ain't easy. Unless you are a coddled princess living in luxury with servants seeing to your every need, but really, how many people live THAT life? But I've always felt guilty complaining about things because there are so many who are worse off: we have a home, and food to put on the table, and amazing kids, and people who love and support them (and us). We have family all around us and we ARE truly blessed.
But that doesn't mean it's easy.
I think I wrote in a recent post that someone pointed out how much I torture myself. And it's true. I am my own worst tormentor.
But I also learned very early on that complaining was a no-no. Even venting was not allowed. For others, yes, but not for me. So I'd go along, fervently hoping that SOMEONE would notice me and offer a shoulder. But no one did, because I wasn't the squeaky wheel. It's been a hard lesson to learn; if I need help, I have to ASK for it, because I'm VERY good at hiding turmoil beneath a calm surface, and people are not mind readers.
I was always so amazed when others remarked about how calm and zen I was. Because I'm one of the least zen-like people I know, lol! It was all an act, one I have perpetrated, unknowingly, for almost my entire life.

So now,\ with your indulgence, I'm going to vent a bit:

It really sucks having to live month-to-month, paycheck-to-paycheck, never being able to save anything. It's hard getting paid by the hour, having to CONSTANTLY find more time during the week to work more hours when I am already so over-extended and exhausted. I hate feeling as if I HAVE to accept every sub assignment offered to me because we need the money, and that I can never, ever take time off.
At the same time, I can't accept every job because that means paying for childcare. If I'm paying more for childcare than I'm getting paid, it hardly makes sense to work!
While I appreciate people who tell me they empathize with us because they thought maybe one of their kids had Autism but it turns out they did not, I cannot help but think that they REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND: Yes, I'm GLAD your child is not Autistic, but having a scare and living with the reality of it every day are two entirely different things! Pacing the floor while holding a screaming child night after night after night, not knowing if your child will EVER say a word, knowing that kids with special needs are even more vulnerable to predators than other kids, the therapies and meetings and picture schedules and special classes and dirty looks from other parents when your child has a meltdown because s/he is simply overwhelmed, and the parents who don't want your kids near theirs because, what, they might catch it? (Autism is NOT contagious, people!), and the simple exhaustion of it all, as it goes on for years and years, is HARD!

But then, there is the flip-side. The celebrations of the little victories. Like when your child speaks spontaneously, without prompting. Or when your non-verbal child learns to communicate. The moments when they climb into the bed and cuddle up with you, or lay their heads on your chest. Or smile when you walk into the room. Knowing that you have their full trust and unconditional love, and that you have earned it, because the love you feel for them is bigger and brighter and scarier and more wonderful than anything else in the universe.
Because that is what it means to be a parent, of any child. All the worries you previously had for yourself are transferred to them.
I used to be afraid to die. Now I would gladly give my life for them. If someone has to get sick, I hope it's me, not them. But not TOO sick, because I don't want to leave them. THAT'S the scary part about death now: what would happen to my kids?
I also have to take a good look at my behaviors; how do they affect my children? Because kids learn more from what their parents do than what we say. If I continue to abuse myself, will my kids learn that behavior? If I don't see myself as worthy of being loved and taken care of, will my kids believe the same thing about themselves?
YES!!!!!!!
And that is unacceptable.

So, enough.

It's time to take care of me.
So that I can take care of them.