Monday, September 23, 2013

Dreams and Plans.

Last week I had a dream that I was sitting on the edge of a bed with David Tennant and he was giving me a hug.  My alarm went off before anything else could progress, but I was fine with that.  Dream David Tennant knows how to hold a girl, let me tell ya! I was in a very good mood all the next day.
I also had a full-on sex dream about another actor, who shall remain anonymous.  It was the first time I'd ever had a dream like that about anyone other than Hubby.  I felt a little bit guilty, but not too much so. 'Cause that dream put me in a good mood, too!  :)

A few days later I had another dream, the details of which escaped me as soon as I woke up.  But my first thought upon awakening was that I needed to keep my daughter close.  Not that there was any danger, just that she needed me.  And it turned out that at school that day she became VERY upset. So when she came home we had some extra hugs, cuddles & tickles, and it did us both a world of good.

Last week was all about listening: To my instincts, my body, and, especially, what my kids are trying to tell me. I skipped my yoga class on Sunday, mainly because I had no way to get there, and skipped it again on Monday.  Then I realized that I needed a rest.  I'd been going great guns for a few months (as you know, lol!) and needed a wee break.
A small break, not a bathroom break...although I need plenty of THOSE, too...

Last Thursday was the second improv class.  I was SO nervous before the first one, but it was GREAT!  For the first time in about 16 years I just got up and played,  ENJOYED, without worrying about how I looked or if I was doing it "right."
And it's a terrific group.  Ranging in age from early 20's to 70's.  Some are aspiring (or established) actors, while others are there for fun. One of the older students, who is the definition of Fabulous, said "I ain't paying money to be all stressed out!"  She's there to enjoy and have fun.  And I wish I'd met her 25 years ago!
It feels so good to work those muscles again, and in such a non-stressful environment.  I believe I've told you all that one of my main reasons for quitting acting was that I'd stopped enjoying it.  And it wasn't as if I'd been making a decent living at it.  So I took a break and focused on being a mom.
But 10 years later I'm enjoying it again. And I'm inspired again. Granted, I'm not auditioning at the moment, or doing any actual productions, but I've got my feet back in, and the water is nice and warm.  And free of sharks. So we'll see where it goes.
Tomorrow night Hubby and I are going to see a production of "Buried Child" at the Magic Theatre in the city.  Another theater date!

BTW, I heard back from the Shakespeare theater where I'll be doing the workshop next summer.  And was told "No matter how hard you try to escape, you will always be a member of the company!"   How cool is THAT?  Even after 19 years, they still think of me as family.  And told me that they'd squeeze me in even of the workshop was full.  I felt a bit verklempt, let me tell ya!

Finally, the best laid (workout) plans...Y'know how I was gonna start Ultimate Yoga?  Well, I've started, but I have to amend the schedule a bit.  Turns out that I get overuse issues in my wrist and elbow when I do yoga every day, so I need to intersperse it with other workouts.  A similar thing happened when I was teaching a lot of Pilates.
But y'know what?  It's not actually that big a deal!  I'll still get my beloved yoga in, and I'll do it in a way that honors my body, keeps my joints pain-free, and lets me use that Spin bike we paid decent money for, which I love.  It's all fine.

And now I must go pick the kids up from school.  Have a good one, my lovelies!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

There is a Season, and It Is Now

What?!?!?!?!  2 days in a row?
But some things happened and I want to get them down.

First of all, I'm exceedingly jealous of my mom right now.  That doesn't often happen, mainly because she still lives in Boston, where they have winter, and things like snow, sleet, and ice. I love my hometown, but less so between late October and early June.
However, she got to go to a screening of "The Fifth Estate" the other night, the film about Julian Assange and Wikileaks.  It was a special event for media types, and since she's a journalism prof, she was invited.  The rest of us here in the States have to wait until Oct. 18th, I believe.
But she thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday was my EFT phone session, and it was a doozy.  It's funny to find out you've been holding on to things like grief for 5 years when you thought you were so over it.
Well, as "over it" as you can be when your parent dies.
I've written about the weight gain I experienced after my dad passed.  And the difficulty I've had in getting it off.  And I knew they were connected.  But I've been so invested in the "closure" he and I got when he was dying, that I never let myself fully grieve. I didn't cry at the memorial, telling myself I had to be strong for my mom.
Which is, basically, bullpucky.  I guess I felt we, as a family, were a bit on display, and I desperately wanted some privacy.  Hard to do in a room with 500 people.

I don't believe that things end at death.  I'm not sure what, exactly, comes after, but I do believe there is something else. And I think, I certainly HOPE, that the something else is something wonderful. I hope Dad is there with his buddies, telling jokes and swapping stories over a beer. And hanging out with all our dogs and cats who've crossed that Rainbow Bridge.
The thing is, that great closure?  I wish we'd found it before he was dying.  Before he got sick.  I wish we'd been able to come to a place where we understood each other at that level a long time ago.  But we're very similar, he and I, and I think we were both too proud and too stubborn.  And, maybe, too angry at each other.
When he was in the hospital, and could barely speak, all that anger and pride and stubbornness went away.  Because we both knew there was no time left.  I had only a few days, then I had to get back & take care of my kids.  They were only 7 and (almost) 5 then.  He and I knew it was the last time we'd see each other, at least here.  In this life.

I know that my regrets are very common.  I also know that we give ourselves very little time and even less room for grief.  After he died I flew back east, stayed a few more days, then came home and went back to work/being Mom/regular life.  When people offered me condolences, I (hope I) accepted them graciously, smiled, told them I was doing OK, and believed I was.

Not so much, as it turns out.

It wasn't until he was dying that I realized how much he loved me.  And how much I loved him.  I wish I'd known sooner.
It wasn't until he was gone that I realized the full extent of his pride in both of his kids.  I wish I'd known sooner.
It's not until now that I realize how much of him is in me, and how proud I am of that.  I wish I'd known sooner.

But we cannot turn the clock back.

This Sunday will be the 1-year anniversary of Luna, our dog's, passing. Which may not seem like much compared to losing my dad.  But they adored each other, and I hope they're together.

And so, I guess the grieving process begins.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

We've All Gone Crazy (Another Political Post)

At least you'd think so, judging by the punditry and the responses to maybe letting diplomacy work before we bomb the crap out of another country.
As always, please feel free to disagree.
But the level of rhetoric, on all sides, is making me dizzy.

I'll state my opinion, and leave it at that.  We are s-l-o-w-l-y climbing out of the most severe economic crisis since the Great Depression.  We are still involved in a war in Afghanistan.  We just got out of Iraq.  We are cutting programs left and right that were designed to help the neediest.  We're facing another battle over the budget. We cannot collectively agree on the color of an orange.  We are up the proverbial creek.

I feel for the people of Syria, and Libya, and Egypt, and Israel, and Palestine.  I hurt for everyone who is suffering, especially the refugees, particularly families who have lost everything, including loved ones.  But we have a United Nations for a reason.  So that one country cannot, and does not, become the World's Police.  For the sake of the entire world, AND that one nation.
We are war-weary.  There are so many dead, all across the world.  So many who are alive, but broken.  Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. All over the world.  My husband works for the VA clinic, and he sees so much of it every day.

Call me naive (you'd hardly be the first), but I think we're at a point at which we HAVE to look beyond the usual, short-term solutions.  Or else we are well and truly screwed. And we HAVE to get beyond the finger-pointing and partisan politics.
Basically, we have to grow the hell up!

People were killed in one of the most horrific ways possible. get the evidence, get it to the Hague, and charge those responsible with war crimes.

I'm not optimistic.  We've gotten to the point we're winning the argument is more important than the welfare of the many. When it's more important to try and screw the other guy than it is to figure out a solution to extremely difficult, complex issues that have no easy answers.

1,000 years ago, Damascus was the jewel of the middle east.  It was advanced, urbane, the equivalent of a modern-day New York, London, Madrid, etc.  Which makes me wonder, where will WE be in a thousand years?  Will we even still be here, or will we have blown ourselves off the face of the planet?  If we ARE here, what, exactly, will we be?
We're arriving at a crossroads, I think.  We can either follow the path to our own destruction, or do the hard work of trying to be better, rather than trying to prove ourselves right.

Sorry to get all political, again.  But I had to get that off my chest.
We will return to our regularly-scheduled kvetching soon.  :)

Thursday, September 5, 2013


That's pretty much what happens when I sit down to write.
I have a great imagination, if I do say so myself.  And I do.  Heck I've got to say SOMETHING positive!  I mean, it's not like I hit the genetic lottery, or have a photographic memory, or any understanding of anything mathematical or scientific.  Or even have, y'know, rhythm. I can't draw, I don't play any instruments.
BUT, in my brain, when I'm alone, I'm Noel Coward, Dorothy Parker, and Oscar Wilde all rolled into one.  Sometimes, when I'm relaxed & with people I know, it leaks out.
But put me in front of a computer, or give me pen & paper, and...
Nada.  Zip. Zero.  NO.THING.
My fertile imagination becomes as dry as Bridalveil Falls in August. After a drought. (That's a Yosemite reference.  I was going to say something about a post-menopausal woman in a desert, but that just seems too mean.  And seeing as I'll be there in about a decade, not funny, dammit!)

So, I'm looking for inspiration.  Luckily, it can apparently be found nearby, and for free.  Because of Meetup.  There are all these groups online, for just about any interest you can conceive of, and I'm gonna find me one for creative-types.
Because that's what I am.  Or at least, what I used to be.  Before my kids came along and sucked every last bit of creativity, originality, and will to live out of my marrow, leaving me the hollowed-out husk that I am today.  (Kidding! Mostly.)
But, now that they're...wait for it...

******BACK IN SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!******* (Cue Hosanas, glitter, falling balloons, released doves, celestial light...)
I can spend more time on Stuff I Like.  I just signed up for the improv class (yay!), and will be searching the interwebs for Meetup groups nearby.  I'm also going to try Aikido. (Which will come in handy if these Meetup groups are not what they seem.)
Yup.  I'll be a busy little bee for the next few months.

I'm also, and this is TRES exciting, going to go back to the theater company from whence my professional self sprouted all those years ago!  Every summer they have a week-long teacher-training workshop.  It's like a condensed version of the month-long training they have for actors (which I took-gulp-21 years ago.  But the focus, obviously, is on teaching rather than performing.  About making Shakespeare accessible and entertaining, rather than just having students sit at their desks and read it aloud, thereby ensuring a lifelong hatred of the Bard.  I'm not sure exactly when it will be, but Hubby & I have discussed it, and I'm gonna go for it.  I also get a discount, since I'm still considered a company member. Score!  (I am SO talking like it's still the 90's!)

This is all assuming, of course, that we're still here and haven't blown ourselves off the planet.

But I'm going to try and stay positive, even with all the crap going on.

Speaking of staying positive, I've been keeping up with the yoga.  Along with a bit of walking, cycling, and barre work.  Just adding 10-15 minutes of it, because the yoga has been fairly intense.  The nice thing is that these days there are some really great yoga classes online.  A lot of them are even free. Or, you can get a month-long online membership for the same price as a single class.
I still prefer to practice in a class setting, but it's not always possible (or affordable).  Always nice to have options.  Soon, however, I will be combining my classes with my "Ultimate Yogi" DVDs.
(Did I mention I was able to get the set for $25?  Because I did a big Amazon trade-in deal, and got $100 in credit.  Yahoo!)

So that's what's up, kids.  In a couple of hours I'll be taking myself over to the multiplex to see "The World's End."  Could use a good laugh right now.

And here's hoping it doesn't happen literally.

On that note,